by Mama Hippo
Soon after moving to Switzerland I fell into a group of women who met for lunch once a week. We were almost all of us ex-pats, some with American husbands, others with Swiss or French boyfriends/husbands, basically all of us in the same or very similar life situations. It was so fun to meet up once a week, get to try out different restaurants and cafes around town, and just spend several hours hanging out and talking.
Since D's birth I haven't been going to the lunches very much, but I do try to go every once in a while. I went last week, to a lunch in this trendy little cafe. There's a couple women in the group who are now pregnant, but I'm the only one so far with a baby already. D had been kinda fussy the day before the lunch, which made me worry a bit about how he'd do at the cafe so I ate at home and planned not to order anything there.
It was fun seeing my friends, as it had been several weeks since I'd seen any of them. And maneuvering around the cafe wasn't
too difficult with D in his stroller. They were excited to see me, too, and they commented on how big D was and one of my friends held him for a bit. Then lunch went on as usual, talking about all the usual things we women like to talk about, and catching up with each other's lives. I was able to join in sometimes, other times paying attention to D and trying to keep him happy. As I'd feared, he started getting upset around the time everyone was eating their salads, and I wound up having to leave early.
It wasn't a bad lunch at all, but it got me thinking, and gave me yet another reason to look forward to moving back home. That kind of a set-up (lunch at a cafe) just isn't an ideal place to meet when dealing with an infant. I can't blame them for those get-togethers, as it's what makes the most sense for them to do. But it makes me long a bit for a group of friends who also have babies, who know what it's like dealing with them, and who'll plan get-togethers in places where it's easier to deal with a little one. Our friends in California are much closer to being that, with a couple of them already having babies (one friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl just 2 weeks ago!).
And so, while I've been so glad to have this group of friends here, I'm also feeling more distant now, and feeling more ready to get back to our other friends in the US. I hate how that sounds, as it makes me feel like one of those moms that's completely baby-centric as if the world revolved around her and her baby, but it does seem to make a difference to have people around you who are in the same place as you (life-wise), who are going through the same things you are.
Did you find yourself feeling more distant or "different" from your friends without kids when you became a parent?
Comments (28)
Oh yeah, definitely! My friend hosted brunch once and everyone there had no children. I brought my son, who was in the 8 week crying stage, to give hubby a break. When Damian started to get fussy everyone just stared at him. No one helped me! Since then I've understood that there's a huge difference and now I lean more toward my new-found mommy friends for company than my friends. Although to balance that out I go out with my non-baby friends while hubby watched Damian or I just have them come to my home.
Yes, it's hard when you have a baby and your friends don't. It changes everything. I have a 6 month old baby girl and I don't get to be with my friends much anymore. It's hard, but it's worth being with my baby.
I know my husband and felt totally out of place after having our first child...and still do sometimes. When our first was born, he was still in his junior year of high school (which actually kind of became his senior year - he graduated a year early because of our 'situation') so we were not at all like other people our age. We got married that summer and then he went to college...not the typical college guy. It is hard to find friends because, at that age, so many of them are only interested in drinking and partying and we weren't at all. We still saw friends every once in a while, but it was hard. It still is, since most 25 year olds are having their first baby...not having their third turn 2.
Recently, my husband has been able to make some friends closer to his age through Bible study. I am in a Bible study with some ladies that are also moms...but they are all also at least 10 years older than me so it isn't quite the same. I really need to find some friends I can connect with.
Ooo. Since I'm barely an adult. I can't say much, but I would understand the entire feeling of no one knows what it's like to have this "mini burden" around.
Not that the baby is a burden but rather the things it may do can affect a simple outing.
i feel like that is how it will be with me after the baby is born. i am one of the first out of my friends to get married and have a baby.
I'm not much help. When I found out I was pregnant at 17 pretty much all my "friends" ditched me. I did stay close to one and she now has kids so we can relate again With the few of my non-parent friends, yeah being at different life stages made us drift apart. We stay in contact but it's limited.
I love having mama friends. I was so bummed I had to cancel our playgroup today (My 2 y/o is sick). It's great just hanging out, not having to worry too much about keeping the kids on their best behavior and being able to talk about things in common, even if it is all about the kids. I'm not picky about adult conversation.
It depends on the friendship. Some of them still remain quite strong. I am the first of my close group of friends to have a baby. Two of my best friends are in love with Jeremiah and complain if I don't bring him along. Others immediately request a babysitter if we start to plan even the quickest outing at Starbucks. I have made a few mommy friends with whom I can relate to but I do miss the quality time spent with my girlfriends pre-baby- it is quite fun bringing jeremiah with me but at the same time the whole afternoon/evening has a different tone to it.
it's tough. even though my friends are the greatest, i feel very isolated since having Monster. although everyone promised that they would come and visit since it's harder for me to go out and meet up with everyone only 2 of my friends did, and only once. and they never ask me to do stuff because they always assume that i can't, and don't want to bother me with their problems because they say that I have "bigger things to worry about". it sucks.
As a previous teen parent, I had to worry about this stuff in an extreme, and a lot of it was about being a father and not a mother. For some reason teen daddy's are looked upon as being these horrible beings who wont take responsibility and leave a pregnant girl with nothing, blah blah... especially since me and the mom did not stay together. we were broken up by the time my son was born, but i was there through EVERYTHING and i certainly did my best, even though I was terrified and truly WAY too young to understand everything (heck, even now at 23 I'm not sure I understand..)
What happened with me was that all my friends had all these opinions, and either drove me away or I drove them away for their opinions. It was hard to deal with these snotty comments about how THEY Would have done it differently (when they truly are too young to know ANYTHING about the truth of it), or those rude comments that made me angry, like when a guy would find out i have a kid and say something along the lines of "dude, that sucks."
just so you know, "dude", my son is the best mistake I've ever made, and it does NOT "suck" that he is around.
What was worse was how my friends couldnt understand. They didnt understand why i couldnt just leave my son Cooper with his mom, or with my parents, and go hang out and party with them. They didnt understand why it was such a "big deal", since I had people to help me (which really, I didnt. My parents refused to help since I had made the mistake myself, and I agree with them.) Apparently some of them even knew a girl who had a kid who still went partying with them every weekend.... I happened to know that her mother did most everything for her baby, and it may as well have been her sister, not her own kid.
Lots of my friends tried to act as though Cooper was an excuse not to hang out with them! Honestly, I would have hung out with them more if they had considered ME more often. My friends were always too lazy to come to my house (they ALWAYS said "well, I dont wanna leave the house." and i can seriously count on my hand the amount of times they'd been to my house over our 8 year friendship.) And when I did go there with Cooper, suddenly that "i dont wanna leave the house" changed, and they wanted to go see a movie, or go out to eat....... but, um, guys? I have a BABY here!
So that was that. I decided to just stop trying. I am actually quite bitter about the whole thing, though I'd never say it to them- they just couldnt know. Still dont, in fact. I have a 7 year old now, and they all still dont have kids.
I always especially loved the people in high school who said things like "well, in my home skills class, the teacher said that with a baby you should..." or "well, my little sister is a year old and SHE can..." it was horrible, and its not even like these people had HAD their own kids! I had expected that from experienced parents and had braced myself for it, but from a bunch of inexperienced teenagers? and by teens, I mean like 15-16 year olds..!
Onto another branch of the issue, lots of my guy friends didnt understand WHY i helped out so much. I'm just the dad, its the MOM that does all the work, right? Ha, i bet you all here are thinking "outrage!!" and honestly, I was too. Cooper's mom is one of my best friends, we've maintained a great relationship even after having dated and broken up adn all, and I would never be such a heartless pig to her, nor anyone else if i could help it. It just baffles me that anyone could insinuate that it doesnt matter what I do in his life... Especially since he's a boy and I think he really turned out as well as he did because he had a dad that was there for him and taught him that most male stereotypes are stupid and not worth his time.
Some people told me to just "hire a babysitter". god, if only they knew how HARD it was to find a babysitter for a very young infant, let alone someone you can trust, etc... and then how you WORRY when your not with him! Gah.
I should end this ramble now, sorry for the length. I'm forcing myself to cut this short. haha.
I am actually feeling like that now! Ever since I had my baby boy it seems that everyone is upset with me and the fact that I can't just go and do what they are doing. Ibasically had to let all my friends go because they were trying to make me choose.
It is a bit harder just because they can be out at all times of the day, but baby needs to nap, and if anyone's baby is like mine, has to eat in a comfortable place (usually home). And it can't be at a moment's notice.
Yes, I've already noticed it. Most of the people my age are still going out drinking on a regular basis and even Tim's crowd (9 years older) either aren't "ready" for kids or have 5-6 kids that are all rowdy and hard to be around - there's no middle ground. I tried chatting with my best friend's girlfriend since she has a 3 year old daughter, but she made it clear that she's not really "into that whole mommy thing". Righty-O. So I've rounded up info on the local Mommy & Me group and will be giving that a try next year.
I don't have a child yet but I understand where you're coming from. I have alot of friends who have babies so I try to make it easier on them by seeing them at their houses or having them come over to mine. It helps that I really a homebody anyway.
In high school I had a lot of friends and we went through everything together. All the ups and downs and it seemed like there were more downs than ups but we just always said that the downs made the ups seem so much higher. Then I got pregnant and many of my friends could not believe I was keeping the baby... I even had one of my "best friends" send me a whole bunch of information on putting a baby up for adoption. I am now married to a wonderful man and we are very happy with our daughther who is 8 weeks old today. One comment that really hurt was when I had just gotten to bring the baby home (she was a preemie so spend a little longer in the hospital) and I told her about it, she said, "cool, when are we going to go shopping and lay out?" No aww congrats or anything...
What may seem funny is that for my husband, his friends have been totally different. He is into very competitive soccer so just about all of his friends are into the soccer scene and surprisingly they are very intrigued by the baby. They invite us to go eat dinner with them and insist we bring the baby with is. It helps us not feel so "alone" and see that not everyone will see spending time with us as a "hassle" now.
@BraddyRants@xanga - Kudos to you. It's unfortunate when it seems that responsible young dads like you are the exception, but it's also always good to hear of people like you who take the responsibilities handed to you by life and live up to them.
I was a young mom, and the first out of all my friends to have a child. It was not easy, because as a parent our priorities have to shift from our own needs onto our childrens. And being young, that was defintely a difficult concept for me to swallow. But it will always be inevitable, once a child is in the equation, things have to change. Especially your first child.
I was an at home mom, while my friends were either working or going to school. Yup it was defintitely hard. Mostly because i was home most of the time and did everything on my own and. I couldnt help but feel like i was missing out
. But its a part of life that we all eventually half to go through, if we plan on having children. And i dont regret any moment spent with my son. Because he was worth it... a blessing. Atleast I got to hear his first words and watch his first steps and almost every other step the rest of the way.. Thats something that is priceless.
I do however think that it would have been fun to have some friends that had children of their own. Someone for my son to play with and me to vent to about parenthood.
But my friends eventually came back around.
Oh wow...that's totally my situation. I actually don't speak to one of my bestfriends because of that. After getting married and having a baby our worlds didn't run in similar circles anymore. I'm sure other people's cases aren't as severe as mine, but it really is hard on the Mommy when u can't lean on ur friends for support (because they have no idea). Having similar interests in really important and i am so lucky to now have a group of 'mommy' friends that i am even more closer to than my 'single' friends!
I'm in a little bit of a different situation... I got married at 19 to a sweet boy in the Army and got pregnant six months later. Our marriage was already rocky and I was already looking for a way out, and then the pregnancy happened... and I was baffled.
Francesca was born on January 29th of last year, and my husband and I made a plan together to adopt her out to a really great couple who couldn't have any children. She is a year and a half old now and just incredible. We're divorced now, but my ex-hub and I still get updates a few times a year, and I talk with the little one's new mommy every month.
Alternately, though, having spent a lot of time in the military circle.... there are SO MANY young mommys that I actually had a hard time finding any kidless people to hang out with! You guys should marry the military. =)
Although... everyone got a really weird look on their faces and acted really awkward when I told them about the adoption. Apparently it makes me a bad person or a bad mom to decide I didn't want to be a parent just yet. It's hard to find people who are willing to talk about that, you know? I'm sure it changes your friendships a lot when you become a mom, but I can almost guarantee you it's equally as hard when you're a mom who gives away her little one.
The only pre-baby friends that I've maintained are my friends who are homebodies and don't mind chilling out at my house so I don't have to worry about kid friendly enviroments.
I'm going to be the first one in my closest group of girlfriends who has a baby. It'll be interesting to see what happens when my son is born, but right now, it's hard to get together. And it looks like it will only get harder.
It's felt the other way around as well. Being single while all of your friends are having babies puts you outside of the loop as well. You can't really join in on the "mommy talk" as you're not experienced enough to know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night, breastfeed, calm a fussy baby, etc.
Honestly, I don't think most people mind a fussy baby (in an appropriate atmosphere. IN the movies? Yes, people mind. But at your average cafe, a la Starbucks or Pete's, people don't mind. Crying/fussing is what babies do. I'm sure, as frustrating as it may be to take care of a fussy baby, your friends don't mind having him/her fuss while you're spending time with them. Hopefully, when the setting is right, you'll be able to socialize more with your friends and not see your baby as a hindrance to growing in your friendships. =)
Definitely felt the distance. I married young and so was the first to become a parent among my siblings and peers. It felt lonely. I had difficulty maintaining the close friendships that I used to have with my single friends. Somehow I feel that it's more of a stereotyped thinking that got in the way - like oh "she's got a family now, so expectedly has less time for her friends, and we've talking different things now" which inevitably has some truth in it and it just goes downhill from there. But though my life is revolving around a little person whom I love more than anything else in this world, I think it's sad that my single friends still view me as only a mum at this time rather than both a mum and a woman.
One of my best friends just had a baby & I don't want her to feel weird/distant from me because I can't relate to her. Is there anything you can recommend I do? I've been trying to do all the little things I can for her, however it's been hard because I've recently gotten MRSA so I haven't been around the last week or so but I plan on being back in her life as soon as its healed. So what can I do to make her feel more comfortable? We've been friends for years & I don't want to make her feel like she can't relate to me just because there's now not only her and her fiance to care for, but this darling new bundle of joy!?
I worry more that I'm imposing on my non-parent friends too much sometimes. They love my daughter though. My one friend has a niece that is a bit younger than my daughter and she baby sits her a lot. So, she's generally used to children. My friend's are great but I wish there were some playgroups or something closer. I'd really like to make some more friends with children of their own, mostly so my daughter can make a few more friends her age.
A friend and I are going to try to time our first babies around the same time, so we can go through it together. Odds are, we'll be the first of our group to have kids, so it'll be good to have someone else who knows what we're going through.