Monday, 25 July 2011
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Advice Needed: I'm Not The Father, How Involved Can I Get?
I really have no idea what to do, so I figure what better way to find out than to ask a bunch of mothers and expecting mothers.
Last week I received a text message from a friend of mine. In that text she told me that she was pregnant. Now, I have to add before the wrong impression gets made, that the baby isn't mine. I've known this girl for going on four years now, and we've gone out as friends a bunch of times. We've tried to get together numerous other times, but it just hasn't worked out; and apart from a few drunk texts one New Years Eve when she suggested we should get married because we have so much in common we've never been anything more than friends. So I guess the picture I'm trying to paint is that we aren't in a relationship, never have been; but we're not strangers either.
Anyway, she told me that she's four months pregnant and the father is a guy from her work. When he found out she was pregnant and that she was keeping it, he suddenly wants nothing to do with her or the baby. This really set me off. I mean, she wasn't alone in making the baby. I told her that the guy needs to man up and take responsibility for what he did. So she's pregnant, and the father wants nothing to do to help. I've probably been more involved in her pregnancy than the father has. Just last night her and I were throwing around baby names for when the time comes.
The problem is, I don't know how involved I should get. I mean, she told me her family knows and they took the news better than she expected them to take it. So that tells me that she has some support. I don't know how many of her other friends she's told. I feel compelled to help her out in whatever way I can. It's her first pregnancy so going to the appointments quite possibly alone might very well be daunting and unnerving. She may not have the money to buy the crib and everything that needs to be bought for when the baby comes.
I hesitate to bring any of this up to her, because I know that it's really none of my business and I don't want to butt my head into a place where it's not welcome. I just want her to know that, even though she may feel like it, she doesn't have to go through this by herself. I want her to know that if she wants me to I'd go to the appointments with her, and help her get things ready for the baby. Again though, I go back to thinking that it's none of my business and I don't want her to think I'm trying to pry myself into her life.
Do any of you have advice? What would you want someone like me to do if you were in her situation? Is it out of line for me to ask if I can help?
Any advice that you can give is greatly appreciated.
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About the Author
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- From: waitingonamiracle05@xanga
- Name: waitingonamiracle05
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 3264 Comments: 0 42 View all posts by waitingonamiracle05@xanga
Comments (42)
Just offer her your support and let her know you're there for anything, but let her decide when to turn to you for that support. That way, she's the one including you and you won't be overstepping any boundaries.
I think you should print out a copy of this post and hand it over to her.
She will need all the help she can get. You are just being a good friend and unless the father suddenly decides he wants to be involved you are certainly not crossing any lines.
@SarahC0828@xanga - What would handing her a copy of this do?
Be careful with how involved you get. Unless you're wanting to be her child's father, you need to leave that role open. Still, it's definitely alright to help her if you want to. Just make sure you define your boundaries and what you want out of the relationship, at least to yourself. Being a new mom's sole support will put you in a much closer position than you had previously, so make sure you know what you're trying to get out of this.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - Thank you. You're absolutely right, and I'm not entirely sure right now what I want out of the relationship. I do know that I want to and am willing to help her in any way possible. I should also add that I'm not doing this to get anything out of the relationship, just to help.
Firstly, you sound like an AWESOME human being! There needs to be more people like you in this world!
Secondly, I like the idea of printing this out and giving it to her! Otherwise, I'd say just make yourself as avaialble as possible. Let her know you'll take her to dr. appts. and help with anything she needs and then she'll let you know from there. I think she sounds pretty lucky to have a friend like you!
this is not an easy situation to be in.....
A bunch of years ago one of my best friends got a girl pregnant. He fell in love with her, she used him to make her family angry.
Long story short, I was there beside her the whole time she was pregnant because she was on bed rest and he was one of my best friends. I was also the only one who could deal with her and who did not hate for for using my friend.
So I get invited into the delivery room, and as soon as baby is born Mom wants nothing to do with her. There I was at 16, handed this 5lb ticked off red headed baby girl. 3 days later we are out picking up the last of the baby furniture and an engagement ring. We get back, the front door is open and all you hear is the shrieking of a new born. Mom was gone, and left a letter to the effect that as far as she was concerned he and the baby did not exist. His heart is broken, and I stayed.
For the next 5 years I was there every day, because I was the only one he trusted with her. He asked me to marry him twice, and I said no. I didn't love him like that, and I never would.
Fast forward, that baby girl is now going to be 14 and is an amazing young lady who calls me Mom. She knows the truth, she knows her mom tried to kidnap her, and passed away 2 years ago. She knows that if anything happens to her father she will come to me, and her dad and I have stayed friends.
Ok end of story,.. my advice? Talk to her. Be honest. From personal experience if you don't figure this out now there will be heart ache down the road.
You are a good good friend. Just tell her you're there for her if she needs anything. Leave the door open and let her come to you if she wants/needs anything.
Assuming you have at least a conversational relationship with her, just ask if she wants help. That's all you have to say. If you think she may take it rudely, acknowledge that it may be none of your business before you ask. If she doesn't want help, there's not much else you can do.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - That's an incredible story.
@Brilliant_Innocence@xanga - Why do you like the idea of me printing this out and giving it to her? I am just not sure what it would accomplish.
You sound like a very good friend.
I'm gonna be the bad guy here and say that your friend should have an abortion. She doesn't have a husband and this pregnancy came as a very dangerous surprise. She has nothing to gain from having this child except life-long exhaustion and resentment over being saddled with a massive responsibility that was not entirely her fault (you were right to mention that in your blog).
If your friend is healthy and the embryo shows no signs of congenital impairment then adoption is another option. What she is doing now, slowly and reluctantly slogging through the process of becoming an unwilling mother, is the worst possible way to do things. No good can come from unhappy motherhood. I don't care how many rosy stories of "... and now she's a beautiful and successful teenage girl!!!" are posted here in the comment section. The good stories are far outweighed by the bad.
At the very least your friend should lawyer-up and hit the biological father with a paternity suit!
@waitingonamiracle05@xanga - I think this post does a great job of showing you care and that you want to help but aren't sure what she needs or what to do.
I think it's great you care enough that you actually wrote for advice and input. You're going to be a huge blessing to your friend and her child.
you are a really great friend, just tell her exactly what you said, she doesn't have to be alone in this, you're here to be there for her etc. Just be her friend :)
@phoebester@xanga - Who said she was becoming an "unwilling mother"? I don't even want to have kids and I probably WOULD get an abortion if I was going through an unplanned pregnancy, and your comment pisses me off.
"She has nothing to gain from having this child except life-long exhaustion and resentment over being saddled with a massive responsibility that was not entirely her fault"
Really? Nothing to gain from it other than that? How nice of you to decide that based on your lengthy discussions with the pregnant woman. OH WAIT.Obviously this girl decided to have the baby regardless, making some other kind of decision isn't even on the table here. This girl isn't asking for other options, I'm sure she knows what her options are. If she didn't want to have the baby she wouldn't be having the baby.
This post is from a guy asking about how he can be supportive to his pregnant friend. Telling her to have an abortion or give the child up for adoption or basically telling her to do anything at all isn't really respectful to her as a human being who is clearly capable of making her own decisions.
I would like to thank all of you for your thoughts, comments and opinoins. It has made the decision of what I'm going to do considerably easier. Also, thank you for all those saying I'm being a good friend to her. I'm just trying to do what is the right thing.
Keep the opinoins coming if anyone out there has any others!
@waitingonamiracle05@xanga - More often than not (at least by my standards) it is better to talk to someone about a situation than it is to mull it over by yourself, especially for something this life changing (for her). If she's got a good head on her shoulders, she'll appreciate that you're being upfront with her and she'll appreciate the support even more.
Best of luck.
The reason multiple people have suggested you print this out and give it to her is that this is exactly what she needs to know. You articulated it well, made it short but thorough, and it's sensitive without sounding pitying. It's perfect. So either print it, or recite it to her. She'll tell you the answer to this question.
im pregnant. the dad left me for awhile, and i wouldve loved to have someone BETTER take his place. trust me, getting involved is okay if she seems like she needs it. her knowing her baby wont ever have a dad is probably terrifying. and youre so sweet for caring, youre definitely dad material .
@thisiswhereItellyoueverything@xanga - some people are retarded and love talking about abortions. exhibit A. im glad you stood up against that. you made a very good point.
Be there as much as she wants you to be. She can be vocal with her feelings and honestly the best way to find out is by asking her and her alone. Just make sure she knows she has options ie child support etc etc
@xllxo0o_0_Kara_0_o0oxllx@xanga - That's exactly what you ladies have shown me. At first it was a question of if I even should say anything to her. You all have made that abundantly clear. I thank all of you for that.
@achingquotes@xanga - Thank you! It drives me crazy other people thinking that their choice would be the best choice for everyone...especially if they don't even have all the information and haven't even talked to that person about what THEY want for themselves.
I'll just say what everyone else has said, show her that you will be supportive of her no matter what and keep being a good friend to her. If you are going to be a big part of your friends life, the child will be a big part of your life as well. The best thing you can do is ask your friend how she needs to be supportive and listen to her. You know her better than any of us do, and I am sure you can sense when something is wrong and what she needs. I would say that you don't have to change just keep being yourself.