Sunday, 14 June 2009
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Seeking the Help I Need
by Mama Elephant
I have suffered from depression for most of my life. I have sought help for it off and on through much of my adult life. I haven't needed treatment in four years and when my OB and the hospital Social Worker grilled me on Postpartum Depression, I nodded my head while pretending to listen and assured them I was fine. Of course I was fine, I had delivered less than 48 hours prior...I was still pretty out of it from all the meds for my blood pressure and painkillers for the C-Section. After all, the two years after Alex was born were the happiest of my life...poo poo on the PPD! I am not nodding my head now.My darling Leyla has been with us for almost 6 weeks. Things started out great with my husband and I working as a solid team. Then he was switched back to the night shift and Leyla decided that would be her difficult time of the day. Since then, my husband has tried to help but I am afraid he is as exhausted as I am and isn't much help. My mom, who volunteered to fly out and visit as soon as her granddaughter was born has come up with every excuse in the book to NOT visit. I even offered to buy her plane ticket. NOPE. There is always a reason and they are always stupid. I am waiting for her to claim that she is waiting for Chicago's swine flu problem to lighten up. I think I have finally written her off. I just can't take anymore of her bullshit empty promises and her issues with not letting go of a delusional past.
My son finally got an appointment with the only pediatric orthopedic surgeon on our insurance list and it is as we feared. He has a bone deformity in his femur and tibia and will require surgery. We are looking at doing that next week while he is out of school for two weeks of summer vacation. I also haven't spent more than five minutes with him since Leyla was born...enter UBER amounts of crappy mom guilt.
My mother in a law and brother in law (he also has Autism, like my Alex) are flying in tomorrow for a week long visit. Guess who isn't her favorite daughter in law? My husband was only able to procure one day off while she is here so guess who gets to bear the brunt of that visit?
Enter the depression. Is it PPD or is it just my regular depression popping up to make me feel like a crappy mom? I haven't spent any time, much less quality time with my son and I cry damn near every time I pick my daughter up. Did I mention the guilt I have over HATING breast feeding? Yeah, I really hate it but I guess that is a topic for another blog.
I have a late 6 week postpartum checkup on Tuesday and I will be bringing up the PPD/regular depression topic immediately. It is time to admit that I need help and ask for the Zoloft.
Do you find it difficult seeking help when you need it?
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About the Author
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- From: mamaelephant
- Name: mamaelephant
- About Me: Hi! I am Mama Elephant and I am both a college student and SAHM to a mischievous teenage son, who happens to have Autism, and an infant daughter. It is a practice in time management. Raising a child with special needs presents challenges disguised as impossibilities as well as rewards beyond the imagination and I write about both.
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Comments (15)
stress .....make me can't happy ....
Yeah It's really hard seeking help when you really need it.
Yeah. I suffered from depression since I turned 14. They told me because of my history, I was probably going to have PPD after having my daughter and to call them if I had problems.
I did have problems. A lot. I was sad and crying a lot. One night, my daughter who had been a night-time sleeper since we brought her home from the hospital, would not sleep for anything. I couldn't calm her down, I couldn't make her stop crying, nothing. I wanted to throw her, I wanted to throw things at her, I wanted to leave. (I was staying at my moms house then because I had had a c-section and my mom wasn't helping...at all...) I knew everything I wanted to do was wrong, so all I COULD do was cry.
It eventually went away, but I definitely understand how some moms could lose their temper on their children...I almost had. And for some moms it doesn't go away. I hope you pull through this. And THANK YOU for getting help before anyone (even yourself) gets hurt!
I'm here to listen, if you'd like.
No I don't. I have suffered with depression for many, many years. I continue to be amazed at how much they help me. Over the years I have changed meds several times due to changing symptoms. i.e. severe anxiety. Some time the meds have had side effects, and sometimes they just didn't work But when they are the right meds they REALLY help. By all means, ask for help. And also know people care about you. Even those who don't know you well. Children are the light of the world. How wonderful of you to bring your lovely children into this world. : -)
I got the zoloft after having my daughter. I didn't talk to my daughter about the way I was feeling u ntil my 6 week appointment and just like @PoetMcChick@xanga said almost the same thing happened o me, well my daughter wouldn't sleep and I couldn't handle it. All i could do was cry, and I was crying every single day. It was intense. The zoloft definitely helped! I think you're an excellent example for those around us who think they are stronger then PPD, it just happens! Good job for looking out for yourself.
@Kshorkey@xanga - I was put on Zoloft back in high school. You know how they say sometimes the side effects from that is suicidal thoughts and high risk for suicide? I almost became that statistic. I felt so awful, I thought to myself, "Man, if I wasn't on antidepressants, how bad would I be?" Eventually it got to the point where I was like, "You know what? I'm gonna stop taking the pills. If I kill myself, well, I just don't care anymore..." Three days later, I felt a million times better! Had I kept taking them, I probably would have killed myself. So I'm extremely paranoid. I know for some people they work, so I encourage everyone to take them if they need them, just to keep a close eye on it...and talk to your doctor if you have suicidal feelings.
The second child is always difficult in the sense that you feel like you are neglecting your first born. I have been there. When your first born has special needs, you feel even worse. Like you had no right to go and have another baby because your first child needs all of your attention so much. I have been there too. The guilt does lesson as you become more accustomed to having two kids and you settle into a routine. That routine never comes until your baby learns to sleep through the night, so just live right now knowing it won't be like this for long.
I still sometimes have trouble giving my first child the attention he needs, but manage somehow. Now that my second baby is a year old, we can all do activites together and that makes it easier. Also, I'm starting to see that my daughter is really good for my son, who has special needs. My husband works nights too, so I'm with you on that one too. I say, take advantage of the in-laws coming and let grandma do all the work you can get out of her. At least maybe ask her to take over for an hour or two so you can take a nap or spend quality time with your son. Prepare yourself for the worst and let any comments or problems just glide right past you. Taking an "i don't care" attitude works best for me. They will be returning to their own homes soon.. focus on that!
Talking to your doctor is the best thing to do if you are feeling PPD. And if you are hating breastfeeding so much, just switch to formula. Your baby will be just fine on formula. Millions of babies everywhere are fine on formula. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.
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Well I think that PPD and your previous history of depression is all related, I don't think it necessarily has to be one or the other....I would definitely seek help. I know how you feel, just completely out of control as things pile and pile...try to take advantage of any little triumphs you can to try to get your momentum back. Unfortunately it sounds like you had your baby and before you could heal - emotionally and physically get back on track, everything just started piling up! With the stress of the MIL you've gotta be near a breakdown....maybe switch to formula if you hate nursing so much - it's not for every mother, and doing it this long has given her the most important nutrients she could've gotten, not maybe you can switch without feeling too much guilt. There are millions of formula fed babies out there that are perfectly healthy. See if your husband can really prep his mother that you're not feeling great and you need her to help you...maybe she'll be less likely to attack. Most importantly though talk to your doctor...you want to try to enjoy this time with your kids.
A sucessful treatment will involve more than just "happy pills". Without counseling, they're just a bandaid. Without changing the way that you view things and react to things, you're going to doom yourself and your family to a nasty cycle of hoping on and off of pills as things get bad and then as you become tired of feeling numb from the pills and decide to go off of them.
Your daughter is still really new. It is definitely so difficult those first weeks. I had never thought I'd be a mom who disliked breastfeeding but with my second I felt I could see how it was not as fun or enjoyable as before. I'm glad I stuck it out now though as it has gotten a lot easier.
I agree that you need some time with your son. It would be good for both of you. Is there a friend who could take your baby for a little bit? Or come over and watch/hold her while you spend time w/ your son.
Anyhow, it will get better. Moms days are filled with tears but I pray that your days will be filled w/ joy and laughter as well.
@PoetMcChick@xanga - I had the same problem. I will probably never take meds again.
I have a long history with depression. I currently have a regular psychiatrist, and at one point my husband and I were talking about trying for our first, and I brought up PPD with her as soon as we started talking. If necessary, I can do my therapy more often, and I can take as much time from work as I need. I never has problems asking for help because I'm at a place where I understand depression and am learning to deal with it, but I used to have a hard time.
Good luck, and I hope everything is okay.
@filtered_sunlight - - First, Zoloft and other anti-depressants are NOT "happy pills". This is a very common myth. I have never felt "numb" on medication. I get happy, sad, angry, frustrated, etc while on anti-depressants. I have never taken medication without also being in psychotherapy. I have never been in a "nasty cycle" of treatment based on how I feel. I was out of treatment for four years due to not having adequate insurance. Mental health has long been woefully ignored or denied by the health insurance industry.
It is amazing how much some people think they know based on one blog entry. I believe the question at the end of the post was..."Do you find it difficult seeking help when you need it?"...not "Please tell the author what you think she is doing wrong."
@mamaelephant - The exact content of my comment was that, no, they aren't really "happy pills" as most believe they are. 'Take this and the world will be bright and sunny 24-7!" Doesn't happen; the pills, by themselves, will not fix anything.
I will whole-heartedly agree that mental health is completely over-looked by the health insurance sect and that it's terrible that you - or anyone else - would have to go without the treatment that they need.
It's not simply "one" blog entry, but 90% of yours that I've read have some huge negative statements in them. When you think like that, it's easy to see why you're so down. Perhaps the question at the end of the post should have been, "Do you find it difficult to accept help when it is being offered to you?"
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