Ella is three months old today!

HURRAY!!!

I'm having a hard time lately, I miss Nick so much.

I keep having nightmares about the past....and they don't even have anything to do with Nick.

Let me tell you a little about my past:

When me and Nick broke up in 2004, I met an "awesome" guy named Tim. I thought I was in love with this guy. He was the guy I lost my virginity to in September 2005. Me and Tim dated from January 05' to September 06'. A couple months after we started dating...things got rough...I mean abusive rough. He started yelling at me a lot, then pushing me, then hitting me. He would always apologize and I would always forgive but, my parents started noticing the excessive bruising and they got worried so they limited the amount of time I spent with him. I had been going over there everyday, now he was only allowed at my house with supervision. He was verbally, physically and emotionally, and sexually abusive. Finally on May 15th, 2006 I told him we needed to spend time apart. HE FLIPPED. He went to my house after school and ripped everything off my walls, threw me on the bed when I tried to stop him and ended up punching a hole in my door. My parents came home later and I told them everything [Except the abusive part] about me and Tims sexual relationship and they saw the door. We went to the police station and filed a report but we didn't press charges. We were forbidden to see eachother. Stupid me thought I still loved him so we would sneak....The abuse didn't stop...He didn't change. After awhile, I realized he never would and I couldn't save him like I though I could. I was so beat up that I was wearing long sleeves and jeans that whole summer. The first day of my sophomore year on September 5th, 06'. I ended it for good. He wouldn't leave me alone...He was harrasing me in the hallways and I was scared. Later that month I met a boy who was going to take me to homecoming at the library down the street. Tims best friend lived across the street from the library and was sitting outside just in time to see me and this boy walk out of the library...Tim came across the street and told me he was going to beat the hell out of the guy, Kris, but he cornered me near the bathrooms and yelled at me and almost hit me and I was so scared. I went into the library after him to warn Kris but, my sister used to work there so the workers knew tim and what was going on...they immediately took me to the back where I called my dad and my dad came and took me to the police again. Me and Tim have not spoken since that day but, the violence haunts me to this day. Over a year of abuse I cannot forget. I got so depressed, I tried to kill myself in June of 07' and ended up in a psych hospital for three days. He still runs his mouth about me and now he's a huge pothead and waste of life.

The  nightmare is about him  but I hadn't had it since me and Nick started dating last June after the hospital. He made me forget about Tim and cutting and my anorexia. He made me happy and now, I can't see him or talk to him whenever I want and it's killing me.

Thats what I mean when I say Ella saved my life....She is my everything and now, She is what I live for. If I didn't have her, I don't know where I would be. And, If I didn't have Nick.....I don't know what I would do.

I love my family so much.





Before Ella was born<3



After our beautiful baby girl was born! First visitation!

Monday, March 31st at five fourty five AM me and my momma left for the hospital because I was schedualed to be induced at six AM. We got there a couple minutes early so we went up to the maternity ward and filled out the paperwork they had for us and then they put me in room 290. I got into my gown and everything and the nurse came in and inserted my IV. Tia and my mom were there with me because they were my two support people. I could not have done any of this without them by my side. At about seven fifteen they started the pictocin to start contractions. They didn’t really hurt at first, I was already dilated 3 centimeters and 90% effaced when they started the IV. By eight I was already 4-5 centimeters dilated. When the contractions started to become a little painful, the doctor put me on Nubane and let me tell you, I was LOOPY. I could not stop laughing, those pictures will def. make you laugh when I get them uploaded lol. A couple hours passed and they broke my water which was icky. My mom and Tia were next to me the whole time helping me deal with everything. That morning before they started the pictocin I was really smiley and one nurse asked me if I was going to smile during my entire labor and I said "yes". I stayed true to that. I smiled most of the time. About two hours after the nubane wore off I got my epidural. Within thirty minute I could not feel a thing from my belly down lol. I went from being 4-5 centimeters dilated to 9 1/2 centimeters in an hour and a half and when they did the pelvic exams, Ella’s head was like right there lol. They gave me about two hours for her to move completely down and to dilate the rest of the way then Dr. Lowe came in a said, "It’s time to push". I could not feel a thing but apparently I was pushing hard because within forty-five minutes my little girl was on my belly crying. I had a wonderful 8 hour labor and a wonderful delivery; then things got bad.
After the placenta was delivered and Dr. Lowe sewed up two tears I had on the outside, I didn’t stop bleeding. My uterus wouldn’t clamp down like it was supposed to because a piece of the placenta was stuck in my uterus cuz it had GROWN THROUGH THE UTERINE WALL! and my cervix was torn. Now, this was bad because I have a rare antibody in my blood and if it turned out that I didn’t stop bleeding and I ended up needing blood it would be more difficult to find. Luckily they reserved some ahead of time =] but, Tia and my mom were over at the warming bed admiring sweet Ella and at the same time they turned around and saw a waterfall of blood. Dr. Lowe told them it was okay but, she wrapped me up and they wheeled me back to the operating room. It was really cold in there but I was covered up. I could not stop shaking though because of the epidural so they had to give me Demerol to stop the shaking. It was scary and I ended up having four tears on each corner my cervix plus the two on the outside. Needless to say I had a lot of stitches. I’m not even sure how long I was back in the OR but, all I know is when I got back to my room, she was there: my little girl, My lovely Ella, My world. My mom and Tia were right there too...I could not have done this without them. I got to go home on Wednesday but, I wasn't really in a lot of pain despite all that happened.
Tuesday, I ended up needing two units [bags] of my special blood because I was as white as my pillow case! [<--See picture below]. Where you usually only lose 500 CCs of blood, I lost 1200 CCs. It suckkkkked. But it's two and a half months later and everything is good! I've never been this happy and despite my depressing past [thats another story], I did not have any postpartum. I just love Ella soooooooo much!


Before Pictures:




Seven Months?




Just really pregnant lol.




For 16, I got pretty HUGE!




Night before giving birth! <3

After Pictures!:




Pretty girl with her daddy's nose!




REALLY PALE! Thats a lot of blood loss.