Monday, 25 February 2013
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I Survived a Baby Shower
I survived my co-worker's baby shower. I don't mean it in a bad way.... just, I have some baby issues.My first miscarriage happened September 23, 2010. My second miscarriage happened February 29, 2012. It's almost been a year.
Since my boyfriend was not by my side through either miscarriage (although he claimed he wanted a baby), I ended up breaking up with him March 1, 2012. He claimed he wanted me back, although I thought he was seeing someone else since he cheated all the time. For the month of March, he tried and tried to win me back. I finally agreed to talk things through, after enduring a month of straight bleeding and a terrible miscarriage. (It lasted for 6 1/2 weeks total.)
Long story short, I found out he had been seeing someone else. Instead of making things right with me, he stayed with her. He purposely got her pregnant. He found out she was lying about being pregnant, but then kept trying to get her pregnant 'til he succeeded! This went on for months and I think she's due this month or next. LOVELY. With his daughter.
I know this is all complete bullcrap and for me to worry about it is insane. I know. But we can't always control matters of the heart and this has been a struggle to work through.
My point is that I really, really wanted a little girl so bad. For months I harbored resentment, hate, etc. Why can other women get pregnant yet I've had two losses? I see the news where women abuse or kill their children and it makes me hurt so much! I see women with 6 kids in Walmart who all look dirty. Even women with multiple kids at BabyMan's school fills me with rage. Anything could set me off into a deep inner cycle of hurt that no one can see.
Three women at my office are pregnant, and this isn't a big office by any means. Also, four women are engaged. So, I break off an engagement and lose another baby... and I feel like it's rubbed in my face how happy everyone else is!
I spend the holidays alone, just me and BabyMan. Holidays are rough. Getting through it sucked. I changed my number but my ex calls my work line anyway. He even got his new girlfriend to start calling me too, just to make me mad. WHY? I just wanted it to be like I never existed. I never wanted to hear from him again. He hurt me beyond belief. I trusted him for FOUR years and in return, I got crushed into a million billion pieces. He even said he wanted me back after his daughter got older - wtf! He said he just found her because HE WANTED A BABY and I couldn't give him one. Seriously? I do not want this monster around me.
It just makes me sick.
But I realize I have to be sick of HIM, not of women with babies. Not of random things. I shouldn't be upset over pregnant and engaged ladies.
I bought my co-worker a few outfits for her baby and a cute pink blanket. I went to the baby shower and sat there and didn't feel like crying. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't sad. Comfortably numb? I'm still envious. Can't help it. But I'm learning to deal with it better.
I told one of my co-workers who knows my story how I felt. It feels terrible when everyone is getting married or pregnant. She said, "But when your time comes, it will be more special," because everyone is doing it at the same time and it's not as "special." I don't know. It kind of makes sense. But I wish I could believe that I will have a time too.
I still miss my precious babies. At least they don't have to deal with a jerk dad. It doesn't make it easier. I seriously work daily on coping with it, and I feel like today was a big show of my progress. A big show, but a quiet show, because hardly anyone knows.
Have you ever had a hard time dealing with pregnancy envy or resentment? How did you cope? Were baby showers the worst?
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About the Author
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- From: sweethomenashville@xanga
- About Me: I'm a mid-twenties young professional, single mom. My son, BabyMan, is five & the only love in my life.
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Comments (17)
Gosh, I'm so sorry for the losses. I can't even imagine what that feels like.
I'm so sorry for everything you've struggled through. You are definitely better off without that jerk! How horrible that he essentially blamed YOU for HIM cheating. It's not like you didn't want your angel babies more than anything!
Hang in there...I hope someday you find an amazing man who treats you right and that will be an amazing father.
And for what it's worth...my husband and I have been struggling through infertility for 5 years. You are not alone in your longing for a child. It's so hard, but someday it will all make sense and has helped us to mature, be more compassionate, and become better people overall. We're constantly growing and changing and have proven how tough we can be. Hopefully someday it will help us become the best parents we can possibly be.
May you find peace, hope, and love in the coming years!
I lost a baby the day after my stepson was born (long story, lol). It was horrible, because my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) was gone because he went to the birth. I was all alone all weekend when it happened. I hated her for a long time. I wished and said some horrible things about her. But eventually I got over it. I don't feel jealous anymore. Now I have a beautiful son and a daughter on the way. Finally I feel healed. You will be healed someday too.
I'm sorry for your losses... but I'm glad to hear that you're smart enough to get yourself away from that monster of a man and keep him away.
Remember - just because you've had difficulty in the past doesn't mean there aren't other options - adoptions... surrogates... maybe you'll even eventually be able to naturally have one of your own! <3
I'm kinda dealing with the same thing,although I've only had one miscarriage that happened last year. My husband & I tried for 9 1/2 months just to end up having a blighted ovum. I was so hurt & still am when I see some of the people who are getting pregnant without even wanting kids. I just found out yesterday that my cousins girlfriend is pregnant with there second baby,without trying it just happened. So now I'll be sitting in on another baby shower for her & it just so happens that she's due my favorite month October.
Work wise there have been a couple girls who were pregnant who were 18...come on really? I'm 29 & haven't even had my first.
I feel your pain,don't give up!
I have experienced pregnancy envy. My husband and I started trying for another baby at the beginning of 2011. Over 2 years later, and still no pregnancy or baby. It's very frustrating, especially when it seems like everyone around us is getting pregnant or delivering babies. In fact, a friend of mine from high school gave birth to a beautiful baby girl today, and although I'm very happy for her, I can't deny the pain in my chest and the churning in my stomach. I think: Why can't that be me? My husband thinks I'm a bit insane. He can't see why I'm so desperate for another baby when we have 3 kids already. The only answer I can give him is that I just feel we're not done having babies yet. I feel there's still at least one more sweet spirit waiting in Heaven for us, and I just can't seem to shake the feeling. There were times last year when the desire would mix with envy, and it would just make me angry. I didn't take this anger out on my family, but my husband could tell something was bothering me. He'd ask, I'd spill, and the mood in our home would just be gray. Then, I decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and leave everything in God's hands. If He wants to bless us with more, He will, and if not, there must be a reason, and who am I to question His plan?
We experienced a miscarriage about 6 months after the birth of our 3rd child. Although we were nowhere near ready for another pregnancy, let alone another child, the pain was almost too much to bear. I cried for two weeks. It was so hard, and I could not stand to see anyone with a newborn or pregnant belly because it made me ache for the child we lost.
I would love to comment on this post, I just can't read it because there are literally THREE different ads that popped up over the text that I can't close. I don't know if you guys have any control over that... it's just been happening all over the front page stuff and I know Momaroo is the only publication who will care if I say something about it.
Thank you all for the kind, encouraging words. I know I am not the only one out there who struggles with this. It makes me sad that some of you go/went through it too!
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - I'll ask about this. It doesn't happen to me (but I have pop-up blocker on my browser).
I am very sorry for your loss. Couldn't even imagine miscarrying and the father does not appear to care. Best wishes to you!
But you can look at the positive. You already have a son. And you're only mid twenties. I'm mid twenties and I've been so sick for the last 6 years that I don't even have time to date or even be interested in men. I go to baby showers and I'm happy for my friends, even though I can't go to college myself I show up at their graduations. Even though I can't do a lot of stuff I still encourage them in their goals. I just don't see the point in holding resentment. Be glad you have one son. I will never have any. My brother makes a six figure income as an engineer in the Army and I am disabled. I realize the potential I could have reached when I look at him, but I love him and I'm glad he's succeeded so high in life. Getting those things are luck. Not having them is just the luck of the draw. It's funny, I'm sitting here wishing I were you. You have a job, a son, and you can function.
I am sorry about your miscarriages though.
@DuckifiedAngel14 - Thank you for the best wishes and kind words!
@FallenSafely - I'm not trying to compare my situation to yours or anyone elses. Everyone has their own struggles they must face. I developed diabetes right before becoming pregnant with my son and I've had two miscarriages due to my body not being able to carry the babies past the first trimester due to my health. I'm sorry that you're sick and I'm sorry about your situation, but you said you don't see the point in holding resentment yet you seem to. (Like mentioning your brother making six figures.) I have stated in my blog entries that I DO look at the positive and THAT keeps me going. This blog entry simply talked about how hard baby showers are to attend. I won't pretend to understand your struggle so please don't pretend to understand mine. I felt like your comment to me was kind of a back handed slap to the face and it really discourages me from sharing my story or feelings because of being judged and my feelings being downgraded to zero importance.
I do thank everyone who has been kind and understanding with their comments. Other women who have been through miscarriages understand the pain and how it feels. No matter how many kids you have, after you have a miscarraige, you still ache.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - Hi there! I'm sorry you're not able to see the post because of the ads! :( What browser are you currently using to view Momaroo? I'll see if we can troubleshoot this issue.
Thanks!
@eugenia@xanga - Google Chrome. I can see the post now, by the way, so it doesn't happen every time. It's worse on Lovelyish.
So sorry for your losses. You are so strong to attend the baby shower when your heart is breaking. See a specialist next time before you try to get pregnant. They might help you know what caused the loss of your first two pregnancies. I've been there and lost babies.. I know how much it hurts.
You are smart to move on...even though it hurts. It's the loss of a future, a baby, happiness...or at least, you think so.
Forgive him, forget him and move on. Forgiveness is NOT saying what he did was ok, because it is not. But forgiveness is for YOU...to stop the hatred, scorn and bitterness. To be able to move on and be ready for the RIGHT guy.
http://books.google.com/books/about/Forgiveness.html?id=_puKkUx4Lz0C
You can move forward in your life. Cut all ties with your ex and ex's girlfriend. Get a different job, if that is possible.
Best of luck to you.. Look for the small bright lights in the dark room... They are there.. can you see them?
Christy
@greatredwoman@xanga - Thank you! I went to a high risk doctor and it's due to my diabetes and my levels being way off. I love what you said about forgiveness. I don't think I've managed to forgive yet. I've came far, but I need to do that. I do see the small bright lights. They definitely help get me through! I'm sorry for your losses also. Thanks for your wise words.