Monday, 25 February 2013
My first miscarriage happened September 23, 2010. My second miscarriage happened February 29, 2012. It's almost been a year.
Since my boyfriend was not by my side through either miscarriage (although he claimed he wanted a baby), I ended up breaking up with him March 1, 2012. He claimed he wanted me back, although I thought he was seeing someone else since he cheated all the time. For the month of March, he tried and tried to win me back. I finally agreed to talk things through, after enduring a month of straight bleeding and a terrible miscarriage. (It lasted for 6 1/2 weeks total.)
Long story short, I found out he had been seeing someone else. Instead of making things right with me, he stayed with her. He purposely got her pregnant. He found out she was lying about being pregnant, but then kept trying to get her pregnant 'til he succeeded! This went on for months and I think she's due this month or next. LOVELY. With his daughter.
I know this is all complete bullcrap and for me to worry about it is insane. I know. But we can't always control matters of the heart and this has been a struggle to work through.
My point is that I really, really wanted a little girl so bad. For months I harbored resentment, hate, etc. Why can other women get pregnant yet I've had two losses? I see the news where women abuse or kill their children and it makes me hurt so much! I see women with 6 kids in Walmart who all look dirty. Even women with multiple kids at BabyMan's school fills me with rage. Anything could set me off into a deep inner cycle of hurt that no one can see.
Three women at my office are pregnant, and this isn't a big office by any means. Also, four women are engaged. So, I break off an engagement and lose another baby... and I feel like it's rubbed in my face how happy everyone else is!
I spend the holidays alone, just me and BabyMan. Holidays are rough. Getting through it sucked. I changed my number but my ex calls my work line anyway. He even got his new girlfriend to start calling me too, just to make me mad. WHY? I just wanted it to be like I never existed. I never wanted to hear from him again. He hurt me beyond belief. I trusted him for FOUR years and in return, I got crushed into a million billion pieces. He even said he wanted me back after his daughter got older - wtf! He said he just found her because HE WANTED A BABY and I couldn't give him one. Seriously? I do not want this monster around me.
It just makes me sick.
But I realize I have to be sick of HIM, not of women with babies. Not of random things. I shouldn't be upset over pregnant and engaged ladies.
I bought my co-worker a few outfits for her baby and a cute pink blanket. I went to the baby shower and sat there and didn't feel like crying. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't sad. Comfortably numb? I'm still envious. Can't help it. But I'm learning to deal with it better.
I told one of my co-workers who knows my story how I felt. It feels terrible when everyone is getting married or pregnant. She said, "But when your time comes, it will be more special," because everyone is doing it at the same time and it's not as "special." I don't know. It kind of makes sense. But I wish I could believe that I will have a time too.
I still miss my precious babies. At least they don't have to deal with a jerk dad. It doesn't make it easier. I seriously work daily on coping with it, and I feel like today was a big show of my progress. A big show, but a quiet show, because hardly anyone knows.
Have you ever had a hard time dealing with pregnancy envy or resentment? How did you cope? Were baby showers the worst?