Friday, 25 January 2013
Tonight, I won’t pray. Tonight, I will plead.
As a mother, the world today is overwhelming. The news is today as it was yesterday - heart wrenching and terrifying. Adults abusing, killing, torturing children. People, in whom the ones in their lives have grown to trust are lying, cheating and damaging souls. Or even removing them completely from this world.
I’ve grown more weary of strangers than ever. I scowl at someone who smiles at my children, as I pull them closer, protectively. The gas company technician, here to just check my heaters pilot light, is a threat. The elderly neighbor who waves to my children every morning, is now a pervert. The deadbolt on my front door, is now an illusion. My children’s school, feels ominous and vulnerable. I’m uneasy until they’re back in my care.
So, God, tonight, instead of my usual prayer, tonight I plead with you. I acknowledge that you don’t bargain and can’t make promises. And my understanding is that there is a method to your madness, a reason for everything. And that you will take care of us. But, tonight? My worry is bigger than I am, and my inability to ultimately control ANY outcome is striking. So, I ask you, I beg you, this:
Whatever you have planned for me, whatever joy, love, success or good things you have planned for me, I willingly give up, if you would ensure the safety of my children. If there is anything you can take from me, take it. If there is anything you can give me to bear, I will bear it, but please, please, always protect my children. Please keep them healthy and safe and joyful and blissfully unaware of the world's ugly.
The world is so serious right now, it’s so big that I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it and when I do, I’m unable to breathe for a minute and I feel it is just me that stands between my children and the world - and that makes me scared all of the time.
My trust in you is unwavering, but I’m confused. My worries have always been quieted with knowing that there is a greater good, a grander plan, a reason for everything. I’ve seen the bigger picture.
But today, I feel blind.
Thank you God, for everything that we have and everything that we are.
Has your faith been tested? Are you more fearful these days? How do you protect your children?