In a lot of ways, getting pregnant saved me. Some people would probably disagree with that statement, saying that I'm too young, too poor, too irresponsible, and maybe even too naive. I don't care about what those people have to say about it because They're. Not. Me. The decisions that I make are not based on what they think. And I am going to enjoy it when I can show them that *I* can do it differently and that I won't fail at being a mom. I think so much clearer now than I did eight months ago! Thank God I do, because I can't tell you how foggy everything seemed to be back then.
Because eight months ago, my life was a blur, a buzz, and a high. I was drunk on a regular basis, and I smoked cigarettes whenever I felt like it. I experimented with drugs. I went to endless parties, most of which occurred where we were living at the time. I would go to bed at four in the morning and wake up at three in the afternoon with strangers still sleeping in my living room. I would get pissed off because I would find people reaching into my cereal boxes with their hands and eating my food like it was nothing. Money was spent on beer and other unmentionables. I put dreads in my hair because it was simply what I felt like doing at the time. I was skinny all the time and dressed like a free spirit. I liked shirts hanging off of my shoulders and cutoffs showing an inch of my tiny stomach. I liked long skirts which sat below my hipbones, and couldn't stop planning the tattoos I was going to get all over my body.
I was high every day, all day. We listened to music like most people watch tv. I was depressed and unhappy but didn't know it because I wasn't in the right state of mind to notice anyway. I did things that I never thought I would be dumb enough to do. But thank God I never tried coke - even though everybody in that house told me that "it wasn't a big deal." I saw and learned things that I never thought I would ever witness myself. I met people who I quickly learned I could never trust, but they were still okay for me to party with. I learned who was cool (as in, honest) and who you wouldn't trust if your wallet was left unattended. I learned what to do and what not to do. And I learned that some people are just as okay with telling you the truth to your face as they are with flat out lying, even if it's going to hurt you and incredibly screw you over.
But now? I haven't had alcohol or smoked in eight months. I save my money and spend the rest on things that I actually need, like deodorant, gas, and food, and everything else that's necessary. I follow the speed limit at all times and always wear my seatbelt. I rest when I need to and get up for work every day, Monday through Friday, only taking off enough time to go to my doctor's appointments.
The first person I think of every second is my son, and he isn't even born yet. I don't go clothes shopping for myself, I go clothes shopping for him. I try to eat as healthy as I can. I wear sweatpants, leggings, t-shirts, and long sleeves every day simply because that's all I'm comfortable in (and slippers. I love slippers). I keep my bedroom clean because it's also the nursery, and I hate it being dirty. I clean all the time. Everything in it. I do my laundry as soon as I need to do my laundry, not a week in when I'm out of clean underwear (and I don't get so desperate that I go out and buy new underwear simply because I don't feel like washing it). I'm responsible. I do what I have to do, now.
My perfect night is cuddling in bed with Matt, with his hand on my belly, and watching a movie together. My most favorite moments are when Matt kisses my belly and talks to Bennett and giggles like a little kid when he feels him kick and roll and hiccup. I'm so anxious to see him hold him and just be a dad - because I know without a doubt that he is going to be so, so good at it! And he will love him as unconditionally as I already do and always will.
Even though I'm young and unmarried and don't have a lot of money, I can still be proud of myself and know that I'm going to be a great mom. My son is going to be so well-loved! And he's the reason I've straightened up so much.
True
Comments (20)
That statement is so very true, frightening, and sad. Enjoy your pregnancy. Being a mom is a huge, huge challenge. I am glad it has helped you get things together. I hope you have a good support system that you can depend on. Every woman needs it.
Sounds like you're on the right track now. Congratulations, and I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
This was a wonderful post to read. I, too, had a fantastic pregnancy that really helped me to identify what the priorities were in my life and how I needed to grow and change as a person. I am a much calmer person now and try to set a good example for my son (now 8 months old). Enjoy your new life journey.
My daughter saved me, too. 4 years later I'm happily married with a son. I shudder to think of where I would be today had I not gotten pregnant when I did.
I can really relate to this post, and it's so refreshing when I read about other mothers who not only do not view their unplanned pregnancies as mistakes, but they better themselves while pregnant, and continue the self improvement after the births of their little miracles!
My senior year of high school and the 6 or so months post graduation were what I refer to as my rock bottom moments. I rebelled against my parents, my religion, and everything I had once thought important. I was skipping school, sneaking out at night, and picked up some nasty little habits. I was binge drinking, smoking cigarettes and pot, and I tried a few other substances. Since I was still living at home with my parents and siblings, crashing out at my house wasn't an option, but I woke up in strange places a lot. Scary, right? I get the chills just thinking back on all my reckless and dangerous choices. I could've been beaten, raped, or killed. I truly am lucky to not only be alive, but to have made it through that rough patch virtually unscathed. In January of 2006, I missed a period. This was not normal for me. My best friend urged me to buy a pregnancy test, and finally on February 2nd, I broke down and took one. My boyfriend and I had been fighting that night because he wanted to move out of my parent's house (yeah, my parents allowed my bf to live with us, and then were all surprised when I got knocked up, but that's a story for another time), and wanted me to go with him. We were both too broke, and to be completely honest, I wasn't ready to be that serious with him. The test came back positive, and when I showed it to my boyfriend, he flipped out at me and threatened to take off if I told my parents. Well, I didn't have to tell my parents I was pregnant because in my haste, I left the wrapper in the bathroom, my brother found it, and he brought it to my mother. Within minutes, mom was in my room and wanted to talk. My boyfriend sat on the floor with his head resting on his knees and refused to say a word. For the next week, he barely spoke to me, let alone came near me. Then, he was gone. He called me from Vegas on Valentine's Day of all days to tell me he wasn't coming back and I was alone. After a few months of fighting with him, I decided to let him live his life how he wanted and to clean up my own. I couldn't make him be the father I felt he should be, and fighting with him was getting me nowhere, so I cut my losses and moved on.
I had already stopped drinking, smoking, and doing drugs, but those weren't the only habits in need of changing. I had to get away from the people who were terrible influences. I pretty much lost everyone who I thought were friends, and found I was better off without them. I took good care of myself throughout the pregnancy, and delivered a happy, healthy baby girl in October of 2006. Fast forward to now: I've been married for 4 and a half years, my daughter has two little brothers, and although life isn't perfect by any means, things are great. I know that if I hadn't gotten pregnant with my little miracle baby almost 7 years ago, my life would've continued down that self destructive path, and I don't even want to think about where I would be now (if I would have made it out alive). My daughter truly saved my life, and I am beyond grateful for her every single day.
Double congratulations for you! You ended a dangerous lifestyle & you're bringing a new life in the world! It's all worth it!! :)
this is a good post
:) I'm so proud of you! And I believe you will be a great Mom. I hope things continue to look up for you, and I hope you have a healthy baby boy, and a loving relationship with Matt. Best wishes, girl! :)
<3, ~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
This was a really nice post to read. I'm so glad to hear how you've matured and bettered yourself throughout your pregnancy and for your baby's sake. Unfortunately, not everyone does that. I wish you the best!
xo
I'm glad that the assumptions are all good. Because it's not about the baby having the job of making the mother a better person, or the father more responsible. It's about, "What can I do for this child, to see that he has everything he needs in life to become stable, successful, happy, able to earn an appropriate living. It's all nice and sweet while they are young, and you have something to prove to those you love. But someday he'll be a teen, who may or may not be impressed with you, and then he'll be a man. If we just look at statistics, of children of teens graduating from college, they aren't high. That's not me doing a bitching number. That's just the way the numbers play out. I hope you are the exception, and the stress of raising a child, not just a cute baby right out of the womb, will accommodate you improving your own earning capacity. I had a dear friend at work who told me she'd given birth at 16, and had she not, she would be dead from drugs. Once again, the child had a job well before birth. To fix the mother. Years later mom had four more kids, and life was extremely hard.
i could almost have written this post four 1/2 years ago...my son definitely put my life on a better track, and now I'm married with a daughter as well. I was also too young and too poor when he was born, but he's growing into a healthy, smart, much loved and well cared for boy. Best wishes as you move forward. Honestly, parenting is way harder than I thought it would be, but also way more rewarding
I really love this story... Your son (from what i can tell) will have a great mother!! Keep up the efforts and enjoy all the wonderful things you can do together!! Happy thoughts your way!!
I'm so happy for you! Can't wait to see the baby! :)
It makes me nervous that a baby is saving a mother and a mother isn't saving a baby. But in all honesty, you were never addicted to anything, so I don't see you turning back towards your lifestyle, there's not much for you back there. You seem to realize it was shitty. I know you can do it. <3
Wow..I am thrilled that you have decided to turn your life around because of the love you hold for your unborn son.
Best of luck to you. Motherhood is challenging but also full of joy. May you have the best!!
Thanks for sharing this optimistic story!!
Christy
Now the next challenge is keeping your son #1 and staying away from going back to your old ways as I've seen so many young moms do.
thanks for sharing! great post and definitely very encouraging.
first off, i want to thank everyone for their input, so very much. my first reaction was holy cow, i never thought that post would have been recognized and read by so many people, but i'm so glad it was! i've been a writer my entire life and it's the way i deal and cope with things, and this was definitely a part of my life that i want to share with other people who may be struggling with what i did back then so that they can see it IS worth changing your lifestyle, especially when a child is involved.
i'm so proud to say how far i've come from that point. these days i'm on bed rest, sitting and laying and waiting extremely impatiently for my baby boy to come. he's due in a month, but we all think he's going to come early, and that would be okay with me as long as he's perfectly healthy!
as for being nervous that a baby saved a mom instead of a mom saved a baby-i can understand how you're taking that. but as soon as i found out that i was pregnant, i immediately stopped doing everything that could have harmed him and turned myself around. i never would have done any of those things while i was pregnant, no matter what, because i've found that in my heart, being a mother is what i was meant to be. that feeling came so naturally and so quickly to me that i know that's what i was made for. and that makes me so confident and excited to love my son as unconditionally as possible. thank you for your concern, because it makes me feel very supported, even by people i've never met before in my life!
i wish you all the best, and thank you again for taking the time to read what i had to say. that means more to me than you know. my dream is to publish something important some day, and if i do, hopefully you will remember me and we can all keep in touch!
sincerely,
janell foltz.
i'm happy for the both of you. and congratulations!