In a lot of ways, getting pregnant saved me. Some people would probably disagree with that statement, saying that I'm too young, too poor, too irresponsible, and maybe even too naive. I don't care about what those people have to say about it because They're. Not. Me. The decisions that I make are not based on what they think. And I am going to enjoy it when I can show them that *I* can do it differently and that I won't fail at being a mom. I think so much clearer now than I did eight months ago! Thank God I do, because I can't tell you how foggy everything seemed to be back then.
Because eight months ago, my life was a blur, a buzz, and a high. I was drunk on a regular basis, and I smoked cigarettes whenever I felt like it. I experimented with drugs. I went to endless parties, most of which occurred where we were living at the time. I would go to bed at four in the morning and wake up at three in the afternoon with strangers still sleeping in my living room. I would get pissed off because I would find people reaching into my cereal boxes with their hands and eating my food like it was nothing. Money was spent on beer and other unmentionables. I put dreads in my hair because it was simply what I felt like doing at the time. I was skinny all the time and dressed like a free spirit. I liked shirts hanging off of my shoulders and cutoffs showing an inch of my tiny stomach. I liked long skirts which sat below my hipbones, and couldn't stop planning the tattoos I was going to get all over my body.
I was high every day, all day. We listened to music like most people watch tv. I was depressed and unhappy but didn't know it because I wasn't in the right state of mind to notice anyway. I did things that I never thought I would be dumb enough to do. But thank God I never tried coke - even though everybody in that house told me that "it wasn't a big deal." I saw and learned things that I never thought I would ever witness myself. I met people who I quickly learned I could never trust, but they were still okay for me to party with. I learned who was cool (as in, honest) and who you wouldn't trust if your wallet was left unattended. I learned what to do and what not to do. And I learned that some people are just as okay with telling you the truth to your face as they are with flat out lying, even if it's going to hurt you and incredibly screw you over.
But now? I haven't had alcohol or smoked in eight months. I save my money and spend the rest on things that I actually need, like deodorant, gas, and food, and everything else that's necessary. I follow the speed limit at all times and always wear my seatbelt. I rest when I need to and get up for work every day, Monday through Friday, only taking off enough time to go to my doctor's appointments.
The first person I think of every second is my son, and he isn't even born yet. I don't go clothes shopping for myself, I go clothes shopping for him. I try to eat as healthy as I can. I wear sweatpants, leggings, t-shirts, and long sleeves every day simply because that's all I'm comfortable in (and slippers. I love slippers). I keep my bedroom clean because it's also the nursery, and I hate it being dirty. I clean all the time. Everything in it. I do my laundry as soon as I need to do my laundry, not a week in when I'm out of clean underwear (and I don't get so desperate that I go out and buy new underwear simply because I don't feel like washing it). I'm responsible. I do what I have to do, now.
My perfect night is cuddling in bed with Matt, with his hand on my belly, and watching a movie together. My most favorite moments are when Matt kisses my belly and talks to Bennett and giggles like a little kid when he feels him kick and roll and hiccup. I'm so anxious to see him hold him and just be a dad - because I know without a doubt that he is going to be so, so good at it! And he will love him as unconditionally as I already do and always will.
Even though I'm young and unmarried and don't have a lot of money, I can still be proud of myself and know that I'm going to be a great mom. My son is going to be so well-loved! And he's the reason I've straightened up so much.