As parents, I am sure that we are all faced with this same situation at one time or another: it's time to wind down and to get ready for bed. The pajamas are on and the teeth brushed. Bedtime stories read, and blankets tucked in. You give your child a kiss and tell them you love them and will see them in the morning, walk out of the room and all of a sudden, not more than three minutes later, you have a crying and screaming toddler on your hands?
Our son has generally been pretty good with going to sleep lately. Occasionally he would want us to hold his hand until he fell asleep, but that hasn't happened for quite a long time now. Last night was one huge tantrum. We went in there, tried to hold his hand, but he wasn't having any of it. He wanted
out.
Now when he takes a tantrum, I mean he
takes a tantrum. He goes all out for it; he throws his toys, bites his crib and screams at the top of his lungs. Once we figure out that there is nothing physically wrong with him, we put him back in his crib to go to sleep. He isn't calming down for anyone or anything.
Our son's pediatrician says that crying it out isn't going to harm him. As a mom, I hate to hear him crying though. What else is there to do?
Have you experienced this with your children at bedtime? What are your solutions?
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One of the hardest things I ever had to do was listen to my kids cry at bedtime. However, I grit my teeth and endured. And, after awhile, my child would gradually quiet down and finally go to sleep. It's torture, but if you go in the room, your child will continue the behavior, which is not healthy for you or the child. Good Luck!
is your son able to verbally communicate yet? maybe there's something frightening him... maybe leave the door open with a hall light on?
I second Jersey_jenn's question/suggestion, though it sounds like a tantrum cry, not a fear cry? I would also question if he is overtired or under-tired. Putting him down earlier or having a physical activity sometime between dinner and bedtime routine would be tactics I would try.
Scared, very uncomfortable (clothes bunching up, bed too hard, etc), not tired, too tired, too hot, too cold, lonely, simply unable to sleep, suffering from nightmares, in pain (heartburn, gas).... just a few possibilities I thought I'd throw out there. Honestly, those can turn ME into a crying, miserable mess that won't let my husband sleep. He makes up bedtime stories for me sometimes. Those actually help a lot. lol
I hate the "cry it out" concept. Hate, hate, hate it. I'm not saying it will turn kids into mass murderers or anything like that, it's just super duper not my thing and it's not something I'd want inflicted on me, even now.
IDK if this would help but Cloud b has constellation light turtles and also ones that make the room kind of look like it's underwater, and that one, IIRC, has some kind of water-themed white noise settings, too. Amazon.com sells both, as well as some other lights and/or white noise animals that may be helpful. We always sleep with a fan on.
Try adjusting times and routines, perhaps. If you can get any helpful communication from him, start there. Ask if he's hurting, ask if he's scared. Does he have a teddy bear or something he can cuddle?
Excellent advice, Vampire. I agree with all. Also, like jersey jenn mentioned, maybe something is scaring him? Food for thought: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out
Is it only 5 or 10 minutes? When my little grandson is exhausted I put him down for a nap, and he always cries a few minutes, while I'm in the other room, quietly waiting it out. I remember doing that behavior myself as a child, and eventually I'd wake up the next day and be just fine. Is it longer? The shrinks probably would call me on this, but when mine were little, occasionally they'd cry after story time, and I'd crawl under the covers for a few minutes. Then they'd go to sleep. It didn't last forever. Kids want independence at some point, and mine did as well. Went on to school just fine, not messed up or anything. But there was that feel of someone just being there for a few minutes. And once in a while I'd awaken to a little boy in my bed in the middle of the night, and we'd just put our arms around him. He grew up to be totally normal. Do what makes you feel like a good momma, and don't worry about what others say is proper development. I ignored so much advice raising my kids, and following gut instinct, and for the most part, things are okay.
You need to find out what upset him. Toddler's schedules change so rapidly, unexpectedly. He could have been freaked out by the thought of not seeing you till morning (kids don't understand sleep and time). Maybe something over stimulated him. Maybe he was under stimulated and not ready for sleep. Maybe he had a bad dream with his last sleep. Maybe his naptime needs to shift. Maybe he's getting sinus congestion and laying down makes him feel like drowning. Maybe some teeth are coming in.
If he's normally good about bed, and this was an out-of-normal experience, I wouldn't get too worried yet.
By letting him scream alone (even if you're just there in the room but not involved), it can teach him two things: 1) sometimes I need to work it out myself or 2) the people that love me and usually help me are not helping me this time, gotta max out this tantrum. If that doesn't work, he'll retreat and withdraw. The key is to step in before the tantrum starts, and never give in when it does. However, this sounded like an "overload" tantrum which is NOT the same thing. They are best helped by being quiet, swaddling (even toddlers like swaddling), rocking, bouncing, pacing, sucking, white noise...the same 5 S's we use on babies :)
We solved the general coming out of the room by making sure all their needs were met. THEIR needs, LOL, not our need to finally flop down on the couch. We started a "10 minute" period where it was kid-lead, in bed, of whatever they needed. If we forgot, they would come and ask for their "10 minutes". Sometimes it was only 5 minutes, sometimes it was 20. But they felt acknowledged and comforted. We did not do cry it out, because when they're teens, we WANT them to come to us with crying! Crying is one of the few ways non-verbal toddlers have to communicate. Would we ignore a senior after a stroke just because they've lost the ability to speak? "Tuck yourself in, whatelse do you need, you have everything here, get over it, no you don't need to go to the bathroom, you just went...." Everyone wants to feel validated....doesn't matter if you're 2, or 92.
There are many things to soothe sleep. One of which is, yes, a night light. But let them pick it out from the store. Something they feel strong in, like Tinkerbell, or one of the characters from Toy Story. Make sure it's in plain sight where they can see it when they sleep.
Sometimes the gentle whirring of a fan can also help to mask out the creaks a house or apartment can make in the night. I use one myself.
As for the temper-tantrum past bedtime, I don't understand that unless it's nightmares, and if the child is of a speaking age, I would ask them what they would like.
Hope you have better blissful nights of sleep and congratulations on your little one. You'll get there, parenting is a full-time job I think you'll find. *Gentle Smile* Φ ≡
We forget that children are manipulators, and I mean that both in a good and bad way.They learn to say, "NO!" on their own and they learn to manipulate you with a grin, a smile, or a scream. More than likely, as you have already observed yourself, your toddler is not afraid nor having clothing issues. He just does not want to go to sleep when you want him to. If there are two of you, you can go for a walk while the other one stays close by to keep the child safe but stays out of the room. Doing so will not scar your child's psyche. You can sit in a chair in the room or lie down on the floor, read a book, or listen to your iPod. Using ear plugs helps... ;>) Laying with the toddler is okay, as a grandpa I have had to do this, yet I fall asleep and wake up later on in the evening wondering where I am! Over the years we have done all of these and each child is different and it is quite NORMAL for most children to try manipulation of some kind. They think tantrums work best, my grandson lays down in the middle of the street, but he has realized I keep walking. (Making sure no cars are coming of course.) As the old king once said, "This too shall pass..."
My husband and I deal with moments like this from time to time with our 3 kids. Our oldest, who is 6, will sit in her bed and talk and talk and talk rather than try to go to sleep. We don't mind this behavior because at least she's in her bed where she's supposed to be, but we do warn her after 15min or so that she needs to start settling down and try to go to sleep or we'll shut her door (eliminating the comforting light filtering in from the hallway). Maybe that's not the best tactic, but it sure gets her to stop talking and lay down. Our middle child, who is nearly 4, usually goes straight to bed without a fuss. He climbs onto the top bunk, gets under his blanket, and rests. This may be due to the fact that he gave up taking naps last year, and is tuckered out by the time 8pm rolls around. There are moments, though, where he will throw a fit, and his scream is nearly deafening. We always ask him what's wrong, and 9 times out of 10, he just doesn't want to go to bed yet and wants us to stay in his room with him. Well, if we stay with him, he'll never go to sleep. He'll want to talk and play and climb down out of bed, and we don't want him to associate bedtime with playtime. So, we give him his hug and kiss, tell him we love him and will see him in the morning, and if he protests, oh well. Having mommy or daddy go back in the room throughout his tantrum will only make it worse, and in my opinion, teaches him that throwing a fit will get him what he wants. Our youngest son, who will be 3 in a few months, is the hardest at bedtime. He doesn't want to go to bed, so he constantly gets down and plays with toys or comes out to the frontroom (and shuts the door on his older brother in the process). Some nights, we have to put him back in his bed 20 times, and it's exhausting, but we don't give in to his behavior. All he wants is for mommy to lay with him, and even though it breaks my heart to have to refuse him, I know it's not going to teach him anything. Plus, he won't settle down and actually go to sleep if I stay with him. He needs to learn how to go to bed and stay there on his own. In the middle of the night, though, we make exceptions. When our sons wake up, they are allowed to come into our room. The older one is content with laying on the floor next to our bed while our youngest insists on being in the bed with us. I'm fine with this because I know it's not going to lead to us having teenagers in the room with us or anything ridiculous like that. They are still little now and want comfort during the night, and I feel it's my job (and my pleasure) to offer it to them. At bedtime, though, we're tough because we feel it's important to instill good routine habits that will carry on throughout their lives.
My husband and I don't get much time alone together, ever. We get to go out on our own 2 or 3 times a year, and that's if we're lucky.The last date night we had was for our anniversary in July, and we won't get another opportunity until my hubby's birthday (not Valentine's Day!) in April. Nine whole months without a date is hard! Once the kids go to bed, that time is our's, and it's all we have. I know many people don't agree with me when I say couple time is just as important as family time, but I truly feel it is essential to a happy marriage. We get so caught up in our roles as parents, and if we don't have moments, even short ones, where we can reconnect as a couple, what are we going to do when we have an empty nest? I feel it is extremely important to find time to just be together without the kids so we are not just looking at each other as the fellow parent. The kids' bedtime is truly our only option, and if we spend the 2 or 3 hours after we put our kids down running in and out their rooms bringing in water, cuddling, reading "just one more story," etc, we'll miss our opportunity.
sometimes kids are just cranky and need a good cry to release tension and unwind. it's okay if it's just sometimes!