From our reader Confusedbrokeenan44:
About two years ago, after almost a year of separation from my mom, my dad started acting extremely shady. I told my mom to confront him about it and they came out of a room 5 hours later and announced they were getting a divorce. I was pretty blindsided by it, but after hearing my dad's case I could "understand" that you just can't be in a marriage with someone you don't love anymore (as Louis C.K. jokes, no good marriage ever ended in divorce).
Then, just a year ago at Christmas, my dad told me that he had a 2 year old daughter by another woman.
Now he wants me to meet them both in the spring.
My question is, how should I regard either of these people? He says he always shows her pictures of me and my brother (and she calls us big brothers) but I hate what her mother represents (the ending of my parents' marriage, even though she probably wasn't the direct cause) and the kid sort of by extension. I feel like I'm being unreasonable, it isn't like this baby has done anything to me and she's even my half-sister.
But I can't see how I can reconcile these feelings. Any advice?
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Comments (12)
I'm sorry that I am feeling "un"empathetic today so my answer may seem a little blunt. No matter how you feel about these children, what happened between the adults in their lives is not their fault. They had no choice in the matter. They may be the embodiment of your parents' divorce to you, but they are just kids living their own life. They don't deserve to made to feel different because of something their parents made you feel.
There is a common perception that divorce creates a 'broken' family, and I suppose sometimes it might...but on other occasions it can create a bigger, richer, and dare I say happier family than would ever be possible without the divorce. My parents divorced when I was 4 and while I had a hard time understanding it at times, I know am lucky to have two families now. I hold a small grudge; I still don't acknowledge, much less, celebrate, my parents'/step-parents' wedding anniversaries. It just feels wrong, in spite of its role in my life turning out as it did (moving to the US, my friends and boyfriend here, my half-siblings; things, people, and opportunities I wouldn't trade for the world).
But my siblings (all of them) are amazing, and I am glad to have them and be what I am to them. It sounds like you were an only child before this: being an older sibling is an amazing experience. Possibly even more fun when you're much older. Give your sister a chance, even if you don't have the heart to do the same for her mother.
Speaking of which, you acknowledge that this woman wasn't at fault for the flaws in your parents' marriage (they were), and that their marriage probably wasn't happy (so, they might be happier outside of it). So I would encourage you to try to give your dad's girlfriend a chance, too. Meet her and get to know her; if you hate her THEN, at least you'll have good reason.
Basically, give your family the chance to heal and change before you pass judgement on what it will turn into.
one forgets parents are not perfection incarnate but simply human like them...
It's actually kind of funny because really, I think it is better that your dad let you know that you had the siblings-I mean I have actually dated someone who secretly had a 12 year old daughter that he never told his own children about. She always seemed like a dirty secret-and that is a horrible thing to do to a child @@Erika_Steele@xanga - I have to agree with what you said here-nothing that your father did is this child's fault, and blood is blood, family is family, you don't get to choose who they are or how they got there. Anyway, you never know this sibling might be an amazing addition to your life! Give it a try, and try not to hold (literally) the sins of the father against her.
I think if I were in your shoes, it would feel like my dad essentially replaced his family with a new one, maybe a better one (in his eyes, of course). So I can definitely see why you're hesitant to meet them.
It'd probably be better to meet them on your own terms, when you're ready and not when he thinks you should. Meeting them when you're not emotionally ready could just make everything harder to take in, and reinforce those negative feelings you're having right now.
I have a half sister. But she is my whole sister at heart. Don't let your resentment of your dads decisions affect the potential relationship you could have with your half sister. She shares the same blood as you. You really should build a relationship with her. If you don't try you are more likely to become full of hate towards your dad, his new girlfriend and your half sister. Learn to realize your dad is happy now and you should embrace his happiness and have a loving relationship with your half sister. Instead of thinking he has a new family think of it as your family expanding which can be an amazing thing.
Speaking from personal experience (granted Mine doesn't exactly correlate with Yours,) My half brother and sisters are the most important people in My life, easily on the same level as My Husband and Step-children, and My Stepmom is My hero and one of My best friends. Whatever deception went on between Your parents, regardless of what Your Father did, this is an opportunity to build some amazing bonds. As hard as it may be to let go of what this woman and child symbolize to You, I would suggest trying to let it go. Consider going to meet them, and allow good impression to take the place of bad associations.
I would tell my dad in all honestly just how I felt. While you don't probably recognize it, you have abandonment issues, and those have been made even worse by a new, cute little family. Gee, aren't we glad dad can still make babies. If you aren't ready to be friends with these half siblings, now isn't the time to do it. You haven't healed, and he's neglected you in the healing process. If you want to put on an act, go for it. If you can scrounge up enough money to see a social worker therapist, ( they are cheaper), a woman preferably, maybe a few visits might help you work through this and learn how to let it go, and even rejoice in new family members. It might even help you to understand how to be supportive of your mom, even though she probably puts a good face on everything. Deep down, she's probably hurting too, and could use some support. The worst mistake I ever made was not getting help for my small children when I left their dad, and I live with that one every time I think about it.
I am listening to how torn you are. Maybe now is not the right time for you.. Talk it out with someone who knows this situation well and decide for yourself. You should not be pressured by your dad or anyone else.
My brother has never chosen to meet his daughter whom he had while poking it in fun...I think it's a bit sad, because his daughter wants to meet him, but it is HIS life and I will support him in whatever he wishes to do..
Good luck as you move closer to making a decision.
I think you should a) talk to your father about your issues... you never know how much actually letting the person know your feelings will help you feel as though a weight were lifted off your shoulders and b) wait. The above commenter(s) said your dad is only human, but you are too. You are entitled these feelings too, and it'd be better to wait to meet them on your own terms when you're ready. And it doesn't sound like you're ready yet. Talk it out with several people, really come to terms with your own feelings before going to meet your half-sister. Who knows, you might come to love her, when you're ready of course.
If I were you, I'd tell your father you will meet his new family when you're ready to do so. You are entitled to your feelings, and should be allowed to take as much time as you need to not only process everything, but come to terms with this new situation.
I think you have the right to feel what you are feeling right now. If anything, I would probably feel the same in your shoes. The hate, though somewhat misguided based on the theory of supposed kindness (I just made that up), is justified in that the woman and the baby does represent the new family your dad has now. Does it feel like he's replaced you? As if he didn't try hard enough with your family and took the easy way out by creating another one, one that he can do right? Or maybe I'm reading too much into this.
In any case, do you feel comfortable even seeing them? I'm a sort of person who holds her grudges close to her heart, so I would want my father to suffer first. Because it feels like if I meet the new family, I've "forgiven" him. But don't let my philosophy cloud your perspective. I think you should do what you feel is right, if you don't feel comfortable meeting them, say so. It's not your obligation to make your father and his new family feel formally accepted. To hell with that. And if the Christmas spirit is descending on your soul, think...BAH. HUMBUG.