Monday, 26 November 2012
-
I Need Help
I don't know what to do anymore, and I honestly need help. I don't know who to turn to, or who to ask for help.I found out on my twenty-third birthday, August 5th, that I was pregnant. My Husband was so happy about our new little addition, and we planned on telling all of our family on September 1st. On August 31st, my (unemployed) husband decided to show up at my job, and leave all of my belongings in bins and garbage bags outside, then proceed inside my place of work to tell me I wasn't allowed home, and he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He had apparently sat down with his parents, and they decided this was the best solution for him. I still don't know the details.
I ended up calling my dad, who lived a few hours away, since I was in a little mountain town which didn't even have a motel, and he came and picked me and my things up. Moving to a new town, I had to tell everyone that I was pregnant and that my husband of almost two years had thrown me to the side of the curb. I then tried finding work, which still to this day has not happened.
I received a phone call last night from my soon-to-be ex-husband's new girlfriend. She accused me of trying to hack into her facebook and e-mail accounts, which was impossible for me to have attempted, since up until that phone call, I had no idea he even had a new girlfriend, let alone who she was. She's from a few states away, and already has a three or four year old son from another man. My (ex)husband took her to his high school prom over ten years ago, and apparently reconnected with her two weeks after he dumped me. He has changed his phone number, turned off his facebook, moved closer to me (but I don't know where), and according to his new girlfriend, has mailed off my divorce papers. He wants nothing to do with our unborn child, wants to divorce me, and sign over his parental rights, but won't even have a conversation with me.
My mother and her side of my family live on the east coast, over three thousand miles away from me, so do my two younger brothers. My father, two older brothers, and their wives all live out here, but we're not on the best of terms, and they're not very supportive. I contemplated getting an abortion early on, but decided against it since I'm strict Roman Catholic, and it is entirely against my beliefs. I have been tossing around the idea of adoption, since I can't even get a job to support myself. My family here has decided that they won't let that happen, and they've all decided to "chip in" and help me get my own place and get situated, yet all they do is put me down in the process.
I have no desire to be a single mother going thru a divorce, nor do I want to raise this child on my own whatsoever. I have no friends or family to lean on for actual support, since no one wants to even hear me talk about giving up the baby. No one is taking my feelings or concerns into the situation. My sister in law told me that she would adopt my child if I was going to "really just give him away." I do NOT want that. I want a closed adoption. I want to pick out a family thru an agency, and never have to see the baby after he's born. I don't want to be a part of his life. I want him to grow up with more than what I could ever give him. Yet, my family and friends don't see the situation the same way.
I've become extremely depressed, to the point where I feel suicidal. I would never do anything to harm this baby, I know where the line is. That doesn't mean that I don't have suicidal thoughts constantly. I have nothing left to live for. Nothing makes me happy anymore at all. The one man I loved has left me high and dry with no intention of ever speaking to me again. My family doesn't support me or the decisions that I want to make. My friends are all still in 'party mode', and have no idea what I'm going thru, and if I tell them, they never know what to say.
I have nowhere to live, no job, no money, no car, and no hope left. I don't know what to do anymore, so I figured I'd reach out to anyone with an opinion.
Does anyone have any advice for me ? Or at least some kind of information that could be helpful ? I'm literally at wits end, and have no one left to turn to for support, so anything would be appreciated.
image source
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: missmandie
- About Me: 21 years young, recently engaged to the man of my dreams, trying to start a family :)
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 2398 Comments: 0 30 View all posts by missmandie
Comments (30)
I'm a single mom of 2 and well they were older when my ex dumped me, my daughter ( 7 now) was 3 and my son was 12 (now 16)...it wasn't easy and I moved back to my country (kids were born in a foreign country) seeking for my parents support, not finantial but mostly emotional...a mom will always be a mom no matter what and mine, we don't have a good relationship but we've tried to work it out in behalf of the children. My advice would be, talk to your mom first, maybe together you can find a solution...
The other thing is, you have to ask to yourself if you really want to do the adoption path, cuz there's no law that says everyone has to be a mom but every child should have a loving mother... In this you only have to be honest to yourself, if you don't want the baby then you can find him a loving caring home :)
Being a single mom is tough but not near to impossible and the joys of it are worth the tough times and much more. Organize yourself, write down everything you could need, make an strict budget, put all your efforts in finding yourself a job, doesn't matter which you can do it with low income as long as you're well organized and disciplined with your expenses...discipline, love and self sacrifice is all you need to keep going forward.
Best of lucks!
There is support though and you don't have to go through this alone. Maybe try joining a forum on babycenter.com or whattoexpect.com for more moral support as well.
You're strong, and although times are tough now, theyll eventually pass, and it'll get easier.
Hang in there!!
Wow, I'm sorry, that's really tough. Are you close to your mum? It sounds as though you're not happy living with your dad, and that you only called him for help because he was physically closer to you. My advice would be, if it's at all possible, to go and live with your mum. Get away from the people who are bringing you down, block all contact with your ex's new girlfriend, and if she keeps getting in touch, don't hesitate to report her for harassment. What she's doing is not okay.
In terms of adoption, at the end of the day, it's totally your decision. However, don't make a decision yet. You're only a few months into your pregnancy and your hormones and emotions are all over the place thanks to your pregnancy and the problems with your ex. I understand it must be so hard and that you don't want to bring a child into a mess, but a child wants love over anything else - children don't remember money or expensive toys or new clothes, they remember spending time with their parents and unconditional love. If you can provide that,you're doing better than a lot of other parents out there.
Stay strong, and best of luck
I am so sorry he did this to you.
Like others said it's up to you if you want to adopt out your baby. My friends are 24 have been married a few years both have jobs and careers in children education couldn't have children. So we're having a benefit to help pay the 30,000 it will cost to get a baby.
Someone out there is broken up inside and would love your baby. If it were me I would adopt but beg the mother to tell the baby that I was only trying to do what was best for him and her and that I wasn't the best. You're going through so much and if you can't keep this baby don't someone will love it.
Whatever you do stay strong okay?
Go to the Adoption Center. They are very good at taking care of closed adoptions and helping you find a reputable birth center.
http://www.theadoptioncenter.com/ The phone number is: 1-800-430-2367
Also check out this site: http://www.adopthelp.com/ The phone number is: 1-800-637-7999
But before all that, you need to call the suicide hotline ASAP (like, as soon as you finish reading this column ASAP) at 1-800-273-8255.
You also sound like you need some place to stay while you get your life in order. You didn't say what state you lived in, but here is a website directory of women's shelters. Many shelters also provide job-seeking services and can refer you to health clinics for obstetrical check-ups.
http://www.womenshelters.org/
@xXxlovelylollipop@xanga - No. This woman needs to find a loving family to adopt her child. She is without resources and - for obvious reasons- is suffering from severe depression. In her current state she is not fit to bring up a child and she knows it. Do you know how many women DON'T know that they are unfit mothers? Too many! This woman is taking the mature path towards getting her life back together.
This writer is a loving mother. She knows what the child needs and she is willing to take the unpopular path of adoption to make sure the child leads a happy life. She is a loving mother who knows that she cannot care for the child now... and I wish her all the luck in the world. I know so many successful people who were adopted into loving families as children. I have cousins, second cousins, college pals, .... all adopted and all leading wonderful lives. Adoption is the right choice here.
@phoebester@xanga - please read what I said before adressing me, I hate to repeat myself.
"The other thing is, you have to ask to yourself if you really want to do the adoption path, cuz there's no law that says everyone has to be a mom but every child should have a loving mother... In this you only have to be honest to yourself, if you don't want the baby then you can find him a loving caring home :)"
You sound like you know what's best for you and for the baby- adoption. Now what you need is the courage and freedom to do that. Your family is trying their best to scare you and bully you into doing what they think is best. If you can get away from them, try to do that.
Good luck to you. Your situation sounds nightmarish. I hope that everything turns out better.I would feel so beat down in your situation too, and your family sounds like they are the opposite of help. You said that you are a devout Roman Catholic- are there any church related groups that you can go to for support, maybe even charity? Also, I know that business people often advertise for jobs in church sponsored circulars, maybe there would be an opportunity for you there.
@xXxlovelylollipop@xanga - "If you don't want him".... you were defining this girl's caring and desperate need to find a good family for her child as "not wanting him"... as if she considered the baby to be a pair of out-of-fashion shoes. The rest of your comment was then a glowing description of the joys of single motherhood.... something this writer does NOT need to hear right now.
That was what my comment was addressing.
@phoebester@xanga - ah language, I'm not an english speaker, all i mean is that she doesn't have (there's no law) to keep the baby "by force" ...she only needs to be honest to herself
also she asked for advice in general so i said how i do it, i'm not pushing her one way or another cuz all she needs is to hear she has options and she can decide for herself... why hearing she could do it fine doesn't needs to be heard?
I just turned 23 in October. Recently I have felt that adoption is a temporary solution for a shorterm problem. You may be poor now but 5 years from now you could be set. 4 years ago I was starting college not knowing what to do with my newborn. Now I am going to graduate college in another year and my daughter will be in Kindergarten. She is smart and spunky dispite me. Watching movies about adoptions and abortion has made me angry.... I was so close to just not having my daughter or putting her up for adoption. I literally start crying thinkg about almost making that decision. My friends/family almost robbed me of this experience. I was depressed because all of them telling me "where I was going to end up if I had my baby." And then when my cousins get "knocked up" it was the greatest thing since sliced bread! I am engaged to my highschool sweetheart (not my daughter's father) and living in a apartment. I dont know what to do in 10 years but things are holding up.
Pray and meditate. You can do this. It is all flying apart right now but that is only right now.
First off, it's your ex-husband's loss, not yours. If he is going to treat you and the baby this way he doesn't deserve either of you.
Secondly, I have been here. It is hard. No matter what decision you make, it is YOUR decision. It is for the sake of you and your family (meaning your child) that you make this decision.
I'm not really willing to go into the details publicly right here, but if you would like we can message privately about it. In case you need an unbiased ear to listen and shoulder to cry on.
Hi.
I think your first call should be the Gabriel Project. They're a catholic group that helps struggling women in your situation. They helped me when I was 18 pregnant, and abandoned by my ex.They will walk you through all the different possibilities you have--for parenting, or for adoption. They will take care of you if you want to sever the ties with your parents. They will help you with counselling...and quiet honestly...they will listen to your heart. Your Angel will call you regularly to check on you, and be there for you in whatever way you need.
And if you're scared to do that, private message me, and I will be your Angel.
The second thing I think you need to do is go somewhere where you can sit by yourself, and think. Be with you. Discern what is right for you. Open your heart to every possible path you have in front of you, and then decide what to do. Right now your whole situation seems impossible, and if it seems impossible it will be very difficult to make the right decision for you.
Trust me when I say that you can be a single mother, get a college degree, find a job that pays well, and make it on your own. It's a hard climb. But it is possible. And there is help.
But it is also possible to find a beautiful, loving family. To know that your baby is safe with them. Some adoption agencies have adoptive parents that will pay for the medical bills as well. It's a hard climb. But it is possible. And there is help.
Know that you are loved. That you are protecting yourself and your child's dignity in this process. Take a deep breath. You're not alone.
Let me know if you need anything.
I think you already know what you want to do.
Should you decide to go the adoption route, it sounds like you already know what you want. And its your decision.
Should you decide to keep baby and raise him/her.. Maybe your dad's family could "chip in" and help get you to your mum.
In all honesty, those sound like your best options.
Im not going to tell you which I think you should do.. but I am going to strongly suggest you go and find a counselor who is experienced with these things. they will be able to help you a lot better then random strangers on a site like this.
take care
@nixxyknox@xanga - I have a young friend who has been with the Gabriel Project for a couple of years now. They are wonderful.
I don't know what to say, except for one thing...HUG.
Thank you for not killing your baby.
I can understand your family's stance. Had my sister considered giving her son up, we'd all have been upset, and no, none of us would have supported that idea. In our case, it wouldn't have been the best option for anyone. We really don't mind helping her out as long as she's willing to help herself, and my husband and I were quite willing to adopt her child had she decided to let us. If your family is willing to help, there's no need to feel like you'd be doing it on your own. You're in a bad position right now but that doesn't mean things will stay that way forever.
If you straight-up don't want anything to do with your child, then you should let another family love and raise him/her. But if you're just panicking, that's not a good situation to make life-changing decisions in.
Honestly, we'd like to adopt an infant (even though I'm pregnant), but our state has really stupid laws about it so that killed our plans.
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - She never considered killing a baby!!! She considered having an abortion and chose not to. I wish you had not used such emotionally-charge rhetoric... especially considering the already emotionally hard time this writer is having.
@d639@xanga - There is nothing shameful in allowing your child to have a loving family who can bestow a better future. Every adopted child knows that he or she was loved by his or her birth mother. Giving up a child for adoption is a sacrifice and it is done with love. Just ask the late Steve Jobs or Jamie Foxx or Nelson Mandela or Faith Hill or Jesse Jackson or the many other successful people who were adopted as children.
My friend's boyfriend was adopted from Korea. His birth mother had been very young, only fifteen, and she had been raped. Condemned by her family for getting pregnant she could think of nothing else except wrapping her baby up in a blanket, putting him in a basket and leaving him by the front door of a police station.
The police gave the baby to an orphanage and less than a month later an American family from Chicago adopted the baby. My friend's boyfriend is, to this day, very close to his adopted family. He was a super-genius at school and ended up going to Harvard. He now works at Deloit as a consultant and pulls down about 150 grand a year. Two years ago my friend and her boyfriend went to Korea where her boyfriend tracked down his birth mother. She lived in a poor part of Seoul and she couldn't speak English so my friend's boyfriend had to use a translator. He showed his birth mother pictures from his childhood and graduation from Harvard business school (class of 2004). He told his birth mother: "Thank you for giving me up for adoption. It was the right the decision. I have a wonderful life because of your decision."
His birth mother listened quietly. "I know," she said at last, "I would not have been able to give you all that if you had stayed with me. I wouldn't have been able to give you the life you have now."
Adoption is a sacrifice and it is done with love. It is done to give your child a better life, even if it means you will not be able to be a mother.
You sound very strong, especially during the part of the post where you say you'd never do anything to harm this baby, and I think that's wonderful and very important. Remember that feeling of wanting to protect it and let that guide your decision. What will be best for you and ultimately the child? It sounds like you've already found your answer, but don't have the support it takes to stand up for it.
There are lots of people in the world, here on Xanga, social workers, over hotlines, with agencies, with churches, that are here to support you and back you up in whatever decision you feel is best. While it sucks that you may not have the blessings of your family on your side, sometimes people who are close to you think they know what's best for you and kind of lose sight of the fact that you're a human being with your own ideas, heart, and soul.
If you feel you can talk to them about how you feel about their support in a calm way, try. Let them know that you feel alone and that you wish they'd support you, even if they don't personally think it's the best thing.
I have a nephew that I've only seen twice in his life. My mother spent a lot of time trying to convince his mother to give him up for adoption. It was heartbreaking because while I could see that my mom just wanted the best for her grandson (she honestly believed that his home life was lacking and somewhat dangerous to his health and development), her attitude wasn't helping anyone in the situation and was ultimately very detrimental to the overall picture. I finally told her point blank that her negativity wasn't going to make that baby back into a sperm and egg and that if he was already alive, his parents would have to make the final decisions about what they would do with him.
My nephew's mother ended up marrying a different man and they had a child together that they put up for adoption because they knew they couldn't care for her. I can't imagine being her husband and choosing to keep someone else's child over my own, but they did it, and I really, honestly believe it was the best end to the situation.
I'm 22, almost 23, and if I got pregnant this month, I'd be ready to find a better situation for it than the one I'm in right now. I can't afford a child, and I have my own apartment, car, job, and life and have been with my partner for over 4 years now. I just KNOW I'd be unable to care for a child, even if I had the help of parents and grandparents all in the picture, and that alone is enough for me to say, "Okay, the best thing for me would be adoption".
I think it would be great for you to look around online for adoption agencies, read stories from birth moms and adoptive families, check the whole process out, and maybe find a few agencies you like to call and talk to someone. Check with your local Planned Parenthood; oftentimes they have resources for adoption information in your area and can help you find the support you so desperately need right now.
Remember that this is YOUR decision to make, and don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise. You'll be the one caring for this child at least until its 18th birthday if you decide to keep it.
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - Wow, I just have to say that there is so much...
wrong...with your comment. Wrong situation for your wrong words. First of all, whatever decision this woman makes is her own, and don't kid yourself into thinking otherwise. Sure, be happy she didn't have an abortion, but don't turn it into a forceful "upstanding" comment. It's not needed in a situation like this, or rarely any situation where someone has/is contemplating abortion and/or suicide. Secondly, it sounds like the situation you described (and this PRESCRIBED to the OP as the right course of action) is dysfunctional
at best. Using peer-pressure and emotional leverage against someone you're supposed to care about to affect the outcome of their decisions is NEVER ok. Not supporting someone's decision to abort, adopt, or keep is essentially saying you don't trust them to make their own choices and that you support people making decisions for others. That's how some people who end up murdering their toddlers happen -- they're bullied, blackmailed, or otherwise coirced into keeping their children that they cannot handle.
I am so sorry you're going through this! It's just awful! All I can think to say is do what you need to do, and if that means adoption, seek it out. I'm going to be completely honest with you: the suggestion to give your baby to a family member is possibly the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard, and I commend you for shooting it down. Like you want to watch your child being raised by your sibling..... It seems to me you're an emotional wreck right now, and have every reason to be considering the circumstances, but like someone before me mentioned, it may not be the best time for you to make a decision. Definately try to get in touch with the Gabriel Project or another agency that can offer help and support. I commend you for being strong and reaching out for help! The bottom line here is this: You have to do what you feel is best for you and for your baby. Your family can have their opinions, but unless they're going to really step up and help you (and from reading your post, it sounds like they might be all talk and no action), you may have to go elsewhere for support or go through with an adoption. Either way, though, I don't think this is something you should be going through all on your own. You need outside help, and there are options.
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - Wow. I know you're not going to like what I have to say in response to the comment you left here, but I can't in all good conscience, keep my opinion to myself. I feel your comment lacked sensitivity, tact and feeling when the OP was clearly seeking out support and empathy. Using the phrase: "Thank you for not killing your baby" in reference to what I'm assuming was the OP's choice to not terminate her pregnancy, in my opinion, seemed a bit too blunt. She clearly stated she is not okay with giving her baby to her sibling, so mentioning your family's situation may very well come off as added pressure to do what her family wants her to do even though she clearly stated her and her family are not on the same page. A woman's choice to give her baby up for adoption should not be influenced by her family members or friends. How awful to feel you have to keep a baby you can't care for simply because your family would be upset if you didn't. Bottom line is, she's the one who is going to have to provide for and take care of this child while family and friends get to enjoy the baby. She did say her family wants to help, but in the same sentence, she said they're putting her down in the process. Doesn't sound like help to me.....
Your ex is a total loser, serious scum.
Your family can't bully you like that, I'm sorry. If they want you to follow a certain path, maybe they ought to treat you better.
At the end of the day, you know what is right for you. Be true to yourself and don't let anybody tell you what is right for you. I'm sorry I can't offer more but I'm sorry you are going through this and wish you the best.