Friday, 23 November 2012
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They Don't Let the Newborn Sleep!
From Momaroo reader itsvitalx:
As the holiday season is now upon us, a lot of people are going to be seeing their relatives, in-laws, etc. These experiences can bring a lot of different feelings. From happiness at seeing family members you haven't seen in a while to feeling tragically depressed, wishing you could barricade yourself away while they visit. Or, another concern: What if you have just started your family and you have a newborn, who you know is going to be jostled around, picked up, practically harassed and also possibly... not allowed to sleep? While I do not have my own child or newborn, I've had a first-hand experience of these horrors recently.My brother and his beautiful wife just had a baby girl a little over a month ago. She is the image of health and is just darling. I love this little girl more than anything else in the entire world! All of us were expecting to have peaceful holidays this year with our new family member, but boy were we wrong!
My sister-in-law's dad (call him K) and step-mom (call her B) decided to visit for Thanksgiving. If you know anything about this pair, it is that they are literally the most horrid people to be around. I only personally met them one other time (at the wedding) and when I heard stories about them I thought my brother and his wife were exaggerating. How could they be that bad? However, upon meeting them, all these stories I was told suddenly made sense. These people are crazy!
They have been down here visiting for only a couple of days and I am honestly shocked that my sister-in-law hasn't kicked them out to the curb. They are rude, insensitive, messy, nasty and worst of all - handling the newborn too often, too aggressively, too carelessly!
When B holds the baby she does not support her head, makes movements that are too sudden and aggressive-like (not sure how else to describe it, she just kind of tosses her around to get her in the position she wants), she always gets the baby's arm caught in awkward/uncomfortable positions, and she puts her down anywhere and I mean anywhere! K isn't as bad when it comes to physically holding her, but he does something just as bad - he keeps her up! He doesn't let her sleep and blows in her face to keep her awake so he can keep playing with her.
My brother is going insane and is so furious because regardless of how many times he yells at them, they just argue and say they know how to take care of an infant! Umm, hello, no you do not! K abandoned his kids and B does not have her own. They are clueless!
Have you had to deal with relatives mistreating your newborns/children? How did/do you handle it? Is there any advice you have for me to give my brother?
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Comments (23)
They need to tell them to cut it out or leave. They need to stand up for their helpless baby. I doubt that they are actually hurting her when they jostle her around, but not letting her sleep is so unhealthy. What idiots.
I'm sorry but your brother is an idiot for letting it go on. He needs to keep the baby away from them if they are doing things he doesn't like with his daughter. And if they don't like it, either they leave or he leaves.
Honestly, the parents just need to put their foots down and tell them what they expect. Bottom line is, she is their baby, and they have the final say. If they don't like something, they don't have to let it go on, and if the behavior continues, they should flat out refuse to let the grandparents handle their daughter.
I have had plenty of experience in this, but slightly different. My family members and husband's family members have never physically handled one of our children wrong, but they always seem to think they know better than us. My mom and dad think everything should be done the way they did it even though times have changed and I'm a different parent than they were. My in laws just plain find me inept. It's frustrating, and sometimes, I want to tear my own hair out, but I just put my foot down in the nicest way possible. If the family members continue to push their agenda, I ignore it.
My boyfriend's sister just had a baby two months ago, and they were having similar problems, except it was my boyfriend's sister's partner that was the problem. She insisted on taking her newborn to three different places this past Thanksgiving, and all three places were really spread out, like 1+ hours to each place, so not only was he in the car a lot, he was also being held by tons of different people. He was miserable by the time he got to us, crying and falling asleep whenever he could.
My boyfriend's sister wanted to go home after they were done with us(we were the second of three stops), but her partner just kept insisting that he'd sleep in the car (he never does) and that they wouldn't stay that long at the next place (they were there for over four hours). Finally my boyfriend's sister said she was leaving with the baby, and if you want a ride home, you need to be in the car NOW. Her partner actually had the nerve to be upset with her, and gave her the silent treatment the whole way home.
Thanksgiving night was the first night since he was born that he slept through the night, that is how exhausted he was. My boyfriend's sister actually had to wake him up because she knew he needed to be fed, and he wasn't even starting to wake up. He slept most of Friday too, only waking up to be fed/changed before he fell back asleep. Needless to say, my boyfriend's sister is pissed, mostly because her partner refuses to acknowledge that it was a really bad idea to make him go to all those places, and still won't apologize for making her out to be the bad person in the situation.
Your brother and SiL need to put their foot down as far as her parents are concerned. Not holding the baby's head (especially that young) is EXTREMELY dangerous. The baby doesn't have the muscles necessary to keep their head up, and if they allow the baby's head to fall back far enough, they could break their neck, and the blowing on the kid's face to keep it awake definitely isn't helping. Babies need TONS of sleep, especially when they are newborns and infants, and keeping them awake just because you want to play with them is incredibly unhealthy for the baby.
Your brother needs to tell his wife that she needs to stand up to her parents, and if she won't, he will. If they continue to do things that are harmful to the child, they need to be shown the door, because they are clearly not respecting the parents or the child's health and safety. If his wife refuses to stand up to them, then your brother needs to, if for no other reason than his child's health and safety. They could seriously injure the baby, and that is definitely NOT okay, especially since it seems your brother has already voiced his concerns to them on numerous occasions.
I wouldn't put up with it under any circumstances. I would leave with the newborn to the privacy and peace and quiet of our own home. No exceptions, no arguments whatsoever! Arguing with me about my own child? Oh those are fighting words.
I wouldn't mind bringing the newborn around family who had common sense and were gentle and allowed it to sleep when need be. But a couple of inconsiderate fools? No, I'd stay as far away from them as possible, not for my sake, but for the infants health and well being.
Holidays are important But, if I knew those 2 were going to be there I'd just tell my family that we'd catch them some other time, when those 2 are not around.
You absolutely NEVER allow a newborn to be handled in the wrong way. All kinds of damage can result. Don't sit around and protect your relationship, if that's what you are concerned about. You need to discuss this with the baby's parents, in a serious manner, letting them know people get turned in to CPS for things like that. And do a little research online, to give to them, and to the abusers. The baby a few weeks old, and this crap going on? They need to be at home without intruding family members, unless the members are there to help cook and clean. I would get on this one very quickly. That baby is in a dangerous situation, and if the abusers aren't educated, and don't respond asap, she needs to be kept away from them. Tell the parents you will call CPS if this doesn't change. I'm appalled at them.
My son was born a month ago and husband and I decided to celebrate the holidays in our home and anyone who wishes to visit us may do so. Every year we drive from my family to his dad and then his mom (his parents are divorced) but this year with the infant we refuse to do that. I think best advice you can give them is tell them to do holidays within their little family before the newborn becomes older if they don't want to deal with germs, irresponsible people and pretty much anything that can harm their baby.
Dang. Even if my it were my own parents behaving that way, i would either keep the baby away from them or tell them they need to go elsewhere for Thanksgiving. I've been spending time with my sister and brother-in-law and their 2-week-old this Thanksgiving and although she gets passed around quite a bit, everyone is gentle with her and lets her sleep.
a couple of you are a lot ruder and nastier than you need to be. you can give me advice (i wrote this) without insulting my family. i never said they did jack shit, i was complaining about my sister-in-law's father and step-mother and was seeking advice to give my brother about the situation. as in, a way to keep the peace as much as possible because not everyone wants to sever ties with their family over this.
@andweknowthis@xanga - do not call my brother an idiot. end of story.
a little bit of an update, today K and B left. before leaving K asked if my brother was okay and my brother pretty much said that no, he wasn't okay and he has a lot to say to them but he won't say it for his wife's sake. he apologized to my brother and to my understanding he spoke to his wife about it but she was still as obnoxious as always.
@Pollypinks@xanga - this was just a total over-reaction and i am not going to humor it.
Get a sling! A pouch sling, ring sling or Moby style (knit) wrap, and let the parents (or other responsible adults; not the grandparents!) wear the baby anytime the grandparents are around. Cheap, easy, and absolutely wonderful for the baby.
@Rigaboo@xanga - It is not an over-reaction. If you ever had an infant family member suffer brain damage due to mishandling, nothing would stop you from keeping another newborn safe. Your brother and every other person that witnessed and did not stop the woman (and no...repeatedly yelling at her not to does not count as stopping her) from continuing to be rough with the infant even after she had been warned not to are worse than idiots. Calling them idiots would excuse away their behavior for which there is no excuse.
@snarkius@xanga - well guess what? the baby doesn't have brain damage.
I guess I'm a little more than shocked that you would be angry with some of us who have knowledge about infants and what can and does cause brain damage. I'm a little more than shocked that there wouldn't be immediate action taken to protect a child at risk, but there would be immediate action at those showing concern. And how do you know the baby has no damage? That it's more important to keep the peace between relatives that to protect a newborn? Are you expecting us to take you seriously after this? I agree with the post about getting some kind of wrap to carry the baby around in, but even then, you have to do it properly, so as to not cut of any air. Immediate protection of a child, which can be done calmly and effectively, is number one. If the person holding the baby doesn't quite get it, then you remove the baby, and ask him to watch the mother handle the baby, so he knows more about how to do it. No yelling or screaming, no threats. But this was and is in my opinion poor parenting, and no, I won't shut up when it comes to the welfare of children. As a nurse for 23 years, I saw a few things I wish I hadn't. As a teacher of 24 years, my husband has seen a few things he wishes he hadn't. You just can't be safe enough. Period. And this is not, I repeat, not, your fault. You aren't the parent, and you can only do so much.
@Pollypinks@xanga - Like I said, the parents did not do jack shit. Can you read?
The parents did not do jack shit. Who did?
@Rigaboo@xanga - Honestly, what did you expect from posting something like this online? All sorts of people will respond with their own opinions. If you don't want the occasional "mean" response, I wouldn't post in the first place.
As far as the welfare of the child. The child's parents should have taken her away from the grandparents. Regardless. Babies are not fragile, and yet, very fragile. No sleep is unhealthy for a baby. I would advise your brother to stand up next time and physically just take the baby away, saying "it's time for this little one to get some sleep, thanks for entertaining her so nicely for us". Keeps the peace and yet gets her away for a little bit. Yelling doesn't help, it just makes people more defensive.
And another sidenote, you don't need to be rude to the commentors, they're going off of as much information as is in the post--which isn't very much. In other words, they don't have as much knowledge personally about it as you do. So either accept that some people will post not so nice things, as is the world of the internet, or don't post at all.
Why don't they kick the grandparents out? I don't understand why this has continued to go on... obviously it's a serious enough problem to warrant telling them they're not welcome anymore. It wouldn't take much to have this newborn seriously injured and newborns NEED their sleep... clearly these people don't know their boundaries and cannot be trusted to handle a child.
Ah man that drives me crazy. I'm the primary baby sitter in my family, especially with the infants. I adore sleep and witnessing a baby being handled like this is just irritating.
You have to set the boundaries and hold to them, if they do not abide by the boundaries then they do not get the rewards (in this case, time with the baby). It broke my heart when I had to make the call of my kids not going to my mother's house, and again when it became clear to me (in a similar manner as this situation) that she would no longer be allowed to hold/watch my kids anywhere at anytime. You have to choose who is the priority: the baby or the adults.
Post a pot-stirring post, and then get angry at the comments. Good job! :P
FWIW, it's quite possible that you won't know if there's any brain damage due to Shaken Baby Syndrome, for years. But, of course, we're the idiots for pointing that possibility out.I cut ties with my family for the safety of my baby. It was sad but necessary.
If talking to them and removing the baby from them when they are mishandling him or her doesn't work, it is not unreasonable to ask them to leave. Our little ones are far more important than family ties that may have the possibility for reconciliation down the road. Parenthood is not the time to be a people pleaser.