Monday, 12 November 2012
I still don't know if I am capable of having a child or not! That is is what is bothering me the most about of all of this...
I went to see my family practitioner last week to discuss my progress (or lack thereof) in weight loss while taking Phentermine. This year I've seen her maybe 3 or 4 times and she told me she thought she was pregnant back in March. Turns out she was pregnant and when I saw her last week, her baby bump was very noticeable. During one of our visits, before she found out the sex of the baby, she told me that she and her husband had tried various techniques that would increase their chances of having a girl, they already have two sons. Her third son will born in December. She told me his name will be Orion. She was disappointed that I hadn't lost any weight in the two months since she saw me last and I didn't really have an explanation for her as to why I've maintained my current weight but haven't lost any. I know I've been eating too many carbs and too much ice cream, but I don't know if it's because I am stressed, bored, sad, happy, or just enjoy food too much? She said it wasn't worth the risk to my health or the price of the pills to keep me on the double dose of Phentermine, so I am back to one pill a day instead of two. Since her baby is due in December and she won't be back from maternity leave until February, she told me she would prescribe enough refills until I see her in a few months. She also wants me to start taking Metformin again, a medication I have had a love/hate relationship with for years. It's supposed to help me, but it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes and I don't even know if it is really working for me.
I also looked into scheduling an ultrasound, my last one was five years ago. My family practitioner's mouth dropped down to the floor when I told her how long it's been since I've seen the inside of my lady parts. My last ultrasound was in 2007 and I believe I only scheduled it because I was 24 and was about to be kicked off of my parents' insurance. Benji and I were engaged and I was about to start my last semester (turned into last YEAR) of college at the time. If you've read my earlier posts, then you already know that back in 2003 I had major surgery to remove an ovarian tumor, left ovary and fallopian tube. The ultrasound I had back in 2007 didn't reveal any cysts and I was told I could still have children IF I lost weight. By the time I walked out of my family practitioner's office last week, I had: prescriptions refilled, a referral for an ultrasound and a referral to see a mental health counselor.
A few days after I saw my doctor I received two different phone calls to schedule an ultrasound and a intake session with a mental health specialist. I thought it was funny when I looked at the calendar and realized the date of my first counseling appointment is exactly two months after CYFD told us we wouldn't be approved to foster until we sought out therapy. I sent out a prayer chain request to family and friends days before my scheduled ultrasound appointment. Judy, my substitute mother/mentor/pastor, offered to come with me to the hospital and offer her support. I happily accepted her offer. I wanted someone to be with me in case I received bad news from the radiologist during the ultrasound. I trust Judy and know she loves me like a daughter. My husband would have accompanied me, but he had to work that day. For years I have gone to the doctor by myself and have been alone with only my stormy emotions after these visits. It was nice to finally have someone comfort me during the visit (Judy) and someone to comfort me right after (my husband). During my ultrasound Judy, the radiologist and the student nurse I allowed in the room tried to engage in small talk with me. I kept looking up at the ceiling and noticed someone had tacked a picture of a blooming pink rose up there. I didn't want to think about what that rose did and did not symbolize for me or any other woman.
Pink Roses are used to convey gentle emotions such as admiration, joy and gratitude.
Light pink rose blooms are indicative of sweetness and innocence.
Deep pink rose blooms convey deep gratitude and appreciation.
Pink roses also connote elegance and grace.
Primary Significance: Love, Gratitude, Appreciation
As a symbol of grace and elegance, the pink rose is often given as an expression of admiration. Pink roses can also convey appreciation as well as joyfulness. Pink rose bouquets often impart a gentler meaning than their red counterparts.Above all, roses are a symbol for love and gratitude. As the pink rose was the most prevalent among the old garden roses, it was most strongly associated with these sentiments. While different roses may have more specific meanings, these are still the underlying message of any color rose. Pink roses also now carry a connotation of grace and elegance, as well as sweetness and poetic romance. Different shades of pink also carry their own significance. Dark pink roses are symbolic of gratitude and appreciation, and are a traditional way to send a message of thanks. Light pink roses are associated with gentleness and admiration, and can also be used as an expression of sympathy.
I didn't want to engage in small talk, I wanted to know what was showing up on the screen and what it meant for my overall health and chances of conceiving. I asked the radiologist to tell me if she saw anything and she was hesitant to respond. She told me she wasn't supposed to tell me anything and that I needed to wait and hear from my doctor. I asked guiding questions...was there a cyst? Is my fallopian tube OK? Do you see any eggs? She was honest, in a polite standoffish way, that she was just a radiologist and wouldn't be able to explain to me everything regarding my results. She did tell me that my ovary is 4cm and that I have 2cm cyst within it. She said a 2cm cyst is really small and that she couldn't see my fallopian tube, which is a good sign. I remember the cyst/tumor I had removed when I was 19 was around 10cm. She couldn't offer me anymore information beyond what she knew. She tapped the screen and pointed to a black bubble that appeared within the shape of my ovary. Judy took me home and stayed with me for awhile, I think until she knew I would be OK alone in the house, and when she left I immediately jumped on the computer to look up anything I could find on 2cm cysts.
My search didn't reveal any concrete information regarding what I want so desperately to know: am I able to have conceive a child and what are my chances if a cyst has taken up 50% of my remaining ovary?
Is there hope for me or do I need to move on with my life?
In 2003 I was told I would have an 80% chance of conceiving a child with my remaining ovary.
In 2007 I was told I could conceive a child if I lost weight.
In 2012 I am being told my one remaining ovary, which carries the remainder of all of my eggs, has a (growing?) cyst within it.
I still have no clue if I can have children, how much weight I need to lose or if I should give up and move on from my dream of motherhood?
The not knowing part is what kills me.