Friday, 09 November 2012

• Loss of Control

  
  
  I've been thinking about labor a lot lately, since I am supposed to be figuring out where I will be giving birth. And the realization finally hit me that the hardest part of pregnancy for me, in general, is the complete loss of control. Pregnancy itself causes your body to do what it needs to do, and those symptoms are not conditions you can prevent, are difficult to treat, and cannot be "cured." Typically when you have nausea, bloating, acne, etc., there are remedies that are pretty effective and quick, and you're past these things in no time. Typically when you're experiencing nausea and vomiting, it's because of a virus that works it's way through your body in a short period of time, so your suffering is bearable if only for the fact that you know it won't last. With pregnancy, you never know how you will feel each day. You cannot manage or cure the symptoms (at least not well), you do not know when the symptoms will change or cease, and frankly, there's just nothing you can do about it.
  
  When considering labor and what scares me the most about it, I find myself thinking in the same vein. Labor is different for every woman, and it's never entirely predictable. You don't know when it will start, how long it will last, how painful it will be, what course it will take (will you need induction? An emergency C-section?), or even how you will feel during the whole thing. I can read and research and write a birth plan, but I cannot control or anticipate exactly how labor will go or feel for me, and that's the most frightening part for a planner like myself. 

  As God and I have been struggling through my thoughts and feelings lately, I felt like I finally had a break-through when I heard myself pray something to the extent of, "and please let Your Will be done with the test results, and give me the grace to handle whatever happens," (referencing the test results for the NT scan for down syndrome, etc. that we haven't gotten back yet) rather than the prayer I had been praying which was more along the lines of "healthy baby, healthy baby, healthy baby!" There's nothing wrong with wanting a healthy baby, obviously, but when I felt myself surrender some of the control I'd been trying to grasp, I felt relief, and even peace. I don't feel as scared of the test results, and I'm working my way through labor fears using the same mindset. It's out of my control, so if I can practice surrender and trust now, I can feel that much better about it when it comes.
  
  I still need to practice a different mindset with my pregnancy symptoms. The nausea has returned pretty full-force in the evenings, and I still feel discouraged and whiny when it hits. As well as pretty useless and hopeless. We've needed to go to the grocery store for days now, and I still can't make myself muster up the energy and go. The thought of walking so much and being assaulted with all of the smells just sends me to the couch.

  On the plus side, I am showing now, which is nice. My hubby can't stop exclaiming over my stomach. I gained 5lbs in my first trimester, 1lb more than was recommended, and Lord have mercy, I could've done with gaining a lot less. I'm still too embarrassed to share belly pics, as it's not a cute little bump so much as a cute bump with a layer of fat above it. LOL! Nevermind my love handles! Sigh. I figure it'll come back off as soon as I'm able to start exercising again, and accepting it as unavoidable under the circumstances. That's one thing I've released control of. Ha! 

  Off to lay down and ride out the nausea. 
  
  
  
  Did you feel a loss of control at any point of your pregnancy or during labor? How did you cope with that? Did acceptance come easily, or was it a struggle?
  
  
  
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