Wednesday, 24 October 2012

  • Being a Mother to My Daughter: My Fears



    Five months ago I was laying on my back, gazing up at a screen as my ultrasound technician whispered conspiratorially "Let's take a peak at the gender while they're gone!"

    My three year old had to pee, and his papa had taken him in to use the potty.

    My heart started pounding. Unlike with my son who I just KNEW from day one was a boy, I genuinely had no real intuitions about this baby's gender. And then the words I'll never forget "Well, looks like by my best guess to be a little girl". I whispered "Are you sure?" The tech smiled "Yup, 99.9%".

    The next week at a follow-up ultrasound, a different tech gave me a better explanation of the "three lines" and our little family was over-the-moon with excitement. We'd all been hoping for a girl, and now here she was!

    For the next few months I sewed her nursery set: fitted sheets with little hearts and a quilt prominently featuring the color purple. I lovingly folded little dresses that were gifted to us, and even bought a pack of newborn frilly headbands.

    Now her due date has come and gone and we're waiting for her arrival. And the reality of having a daughter is hitting me in a different way. Sure the little girl clothes are cute, but I'm about to bring a woman into this world. And I'm kind of terrified that I'm not ready for the challenge.

    Growing up I was always much closer with my father than my mother. I didn't develop a close bond with my mom until I was pregnant and about to become a mother myself. We didn't have a relationship were we confided much as women. For example - when I asked her how to use a tampon as a teenager she directed me to read the directions in the box.

    Sure, I learned a lot of great things from my mom. She modeled healthy self image, she was confident and strong. But she was also cold and emotionally hard to read. It's made me wonder - Will I be distant with my daughter, too?

    By contrast, a lot of my friends had much closer bonds with their mothers, but this turned contentious in junior high and high school. They turned on their moms and fought them tooth and nail. Many of my friends now in their twenties and thirties talk about the emotional baggage they carry from their mothers specifically. Their mothers had passive aggressive tendencies they picked up, or modeled bad relationships with men that sent them running into the arms of losers.

    So that's made me wonder - How do I present myself as a woman? What horrible traits might I unwittingly pass on to an impressionable little girl? How will I set her up for failure without meaning to?

    Sure I was scared when my son was born - the responsibility of caring for a baby and raising a person was overwhelming. But I took it on, one day at a time. So I don't know why I feel that as a mother I have a greater impact on the woman my daughter will grow into, than the man my son will someday be. The world is a scary place for a prepubescent girl. And an even scarier one for the teenager she then becomes. Teen girls and their fragile, complicated selves have made me suddenly terrified of just how to parent a girl. The responsibility of ushering a new woman into existence seems strangely daunting.

    Did (or do) you have more anxiety about having a girl or a boy? What advice would you give in parenting a daughter?


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Comments (7)

  • jules_surveys@xanga

    I feel the same way! My mom and I love each other but it's really awkward and distant. I'm not sure I'll know how to do it right the other way around.
  • MomWithoutaMinivan@xanga

    I have three daughters, one of whom is a preteen. I am scared to death that they will sexually act out as I did. That they will be insecure and angry like I was.

    All we can ever really do as parents is make sure we do and say everything in the realm of possibility to make sure we don't make the same mistakes our parents did. None of us are perfect. But as long as we do the best we can, it will be good enough. 
  • rachmorgan01

    Everyone has a different opinion about which gender is easier to parent. Some say boys are easier because they're less emotional. Some say girls are cheaper because they don't get hurt as much lol. In my opinion, neither gender is easier, they're just different. I have two boys and a girl, and each of my children have aspects of their personalities that are challenging for us to deal with. I think the best thing we can do as parents is let our children know we love them unconditionally. Leaving the door open for discussion about anything and everything, setting limits, sticking to our guns... The list goes on and on. Also, each child is different, so in turn, every parent must be different. Try not to worry about what's "right" and "wrong" when it comes to parenting, and go with your gut! Girls are great and I'm sure you and your hubby will be amazing parents to your daughter just as I'm sure you phenomenal with your son! Besides, you have a long time before the teen years hit, and I wouldn't worry unless you start to see a rebellious side to your daughter. She might not even go down that road....

  • Erika_Steele@xanga

    The way I see it is that children are individuals.  I would be no more afraid for a little girl if I ever had one than I would my son.  The way you present yourself as a woman will impact your son just as much as it impacts your daughter.  Being a parent is a tough job, it does not matter what gender your child is.  The only thing you can do is be yourself and be there to help your child be prepared for the world and to become the person they want to be.
  • galliver@xanga

    I think the best advice out there on parenting girls is: don't treat her like a girl. She'll get enough of that from the rest of the world.  
  • chronic_masticator@xanga

    I don't have any girls of my own, but I've got two nieces.  The oldest one seems to have just as many problems growing up as I did.  Where my mother did nothing for me, I try to do the opposite with my niece.  I encourage her to be strong, even when she feels like an outcast and a failure.  One day she cried to me that the other girls in her class were picking on her.  I told her to brush it off, act as though they didn't even exist.  Don't you dare let them see you cry.  If they see, they'll never stop.  Cry all you like at home or to me, but don't ever give them the satisfaction of knowing they've gotten to you.

    I'd have sold my soul for my mother to have told me that.  What she did for me was try to make me fit in.  It only made it worse.  No matter what clothes she put on me, or how much makeup she made me wear, or the activities she made me participate in, it was obvious that I didn't belong.  Oh, to have simply dissolved into the background.
  • dancingrain4u@xanga

    As a mother of 3 girls, all I can do is try my best each day and some days, I'll not perform at the level that I want, as a mother, but hey, I am not perfect so I know I would never have any regrets about how I have raised my children. Often times, I see women blame so and so for their various failures in life when really, the women are adults now and need to own up to whatever actions they take at present. Life is not perfect, our children are not perfect, so I don't expect that of me and I sure as heck won't take such expectations from my children. I hope to teach my children to look at people's intentions and not how they have carried out their intentions. Take a look at different cultures: one action could be interpreted differently but the person's intention remains the same. People in general need to look at the positive side of their childhood and hang on to that. 

    I can't give any parenting advice because I realize there are multiple ways of raising a child depending on the needs of both parties (mother and child) but I think it's unwise to feel insecure about our role as mothers. 

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