Monday, 22 October 2012
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Other Family Drama - What Do We Do?
My husband and I have a problem. We are faced with the tough decision to stand by and watch something wrong happen or put ourselves into the situation and cause drama.We moved this year from LA to TX and have had to live in an apartment complex while we're looking for a home to buy. In the meantime, we've made friends with a lot of the families around us. One of which is a father with his girlfriend, her 4 year old step-daughter, and his 15 year old daughter (that looks like she's 22). Another family is a 26 year old married man, his wife, and their son. Unfortunately, the 15 year old daughter of the first family caught the 26 year old married man's eye, and they have been "seeing" each other unbeknownst to her parents and his wife.
My husband and I had her baby sit for us previously and we befriended the guy until we saw them sneaking around as their romance started to unfold. We see them together a lot, talking to each other on the phone, him dropping her off and having conversations that "just friends" don't have. They sneak around in the morning to see each other and all throughout the day as well.
We highly suspect that they have had sex but we don't know that for sure since we haven't personally caught them. What we do know is that they have a highly inappropriate relationship for a married 26 year old man and a 15 year old high school girl to be having. We haven't said anything to anyone because my husband hates drama and wants to stay out of it. Being a mother, I look at it from the parent's perspective. And being a wife, I also can see it from the wife's perspective. I see how it could destroy his son and family and it can even destroy the 15 year old girl's life. She's still so young. It's also illegal and he could go to jail.
I'm not sure what to do. We could call the girl's father and inform him. We could call the wife, give her the father's phone number and let them sort it out. I'm just not sure. Or, we could just keep our mouths shut and let it unfold.
What should we do?
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- From: Kuai_le1010@xanga
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Comments (21)
Well you clearly know all the consequences that could happen if you told someone/didn't tell someone. I think it would be different if the married man was single and didn't have a kid in the picture, not okay, but different. I think I would tell. The parents of the girl and the wife of the man would probably demand some sort of proof, which you don't really have besides the secret rendezvous(plural) during the day. But if you did tell and they didn't believe you, at least they would probably be a little more suspicious and aware of what's going on.
It's honestly all up to you and the kind of neighbor you want to be. And if it slips out that you and your husband did know about it, that could still hurt your relationship with your community. Or you can keep silently by and let it all unfold more.Good luck! :(
If it's really eating ya'll up... anonymous letters to the parents and possibly the wife as well?
Keeps the two of you out of it while informing all parties who need to know.
You're planning on moving anyway.
I mean if the dude wasn't married I would keep out but he's married and I think his wife should know.
I think you have to say something for protection of the 15 year old. She may have the body (almost) of an adult, but not the reasoning skills or emotional maturity of one. Someone needs to step in. If you do nothing, who will?
Drama or no drama, you have to go with your gut. From reading this post, I can tell you're upset about what's happening and want to do the right thing. In my opinion, doing the right thing would be telling the man's wife and the girl's father. As a wife, I feel for the woman being cheated on. How horrible to have your husband sneaking around behind your back. She has a right to know what you've observed, and as her friend, you should want to tell her. If I were her, I'd want to know if my husband was cheating so I could kick his sorry ass to the curb. As a mother, I feel sad for the other family involved. This older man is preying on someone's little girl. Call it whatever you want, but I consider anyone who goes after an underage child a predator. The girl's father needs to know about what's going on ASAP before things get worse. What if this man gets his daughter pregnant? The fifteen year old may look like a grown up, but in many ways, she's still a child. She probably knows the harm this relationship could cause and the possibility of it ruining both their lives, but do you think she cares? Probably not. I can understand not wanting to cause drama, especially since there is a strong possibility of backlash, but if you don't do anything, and it really seems like you want to help, won't the guilt be worse than any sort of retaliation? There's also the chance neither side will believe you and things will continue to escalate, but once you've said your piece, it's up to the families involved to either rectify the situation or live in denial.
On a side note, what conversations and interactions would you consider to be appropriate between an older man, married or not, with a 15 year old? I'm sure if approached, they'd both claim to be just friends, but c'mon, is it really okay for them to even be friends? I don't think so, but that's just me.
How would you feel if it was your daughter or husband? Would you want someone to tell you?
Also, at 15 she is a minor. I am pretty sure you are obligated (morally if not legally) to tell her parents if not children's services... If you don't, and she gets pregnant (or worse).. how are you going to feel? How would you face her parents or his wife knowing all along it was happening?
Telling them is going to be freaking hard, but you should.
Good luck.. I do not envy you being in this position at all.
I think you know what you need to do. I don't have any advice on how you go about it, exactly. This story makes me sad and upset, think about it as a wife and a mother. I agree with LadyGwenivere, what if it were your husband or your daughter? I'd REALLY want to know if it were me in any of those situations. I would, however, try to distant yourself from this situation as much as possible while telling the truth and telling the truth in love.
As I see it you have three options. #1: Talk to the 26-year old and clue him in on the age of his "girl friend", maybe he doesn't even know. I don't know many guys who are willing to go to jail for a little girl. Tell him if they don't knock it off, you're calling the police and/or telling his wife. #2: Tell his wife and/or her parents. You'd want to know, wouldn't you? #3: Call the cops and let them sort it out.
This is a tough situation. Maybe it's because I am a teacher (and a mandated reporter of this type of thing) but it's just not right to let this happen. If you really want to stay away from the drama, type up a letter or note instead of telling people in person. Mail it delivered in a plain envelope to make sure no one else intercepts it. Just know that most police/CPS people won't waste their time on anonymous tips, so if you want to go that route you better be sure of yourself and willing to testify or give a statement. Good luck!
Send them an annoymous note...
Besides the fact that he is being a douche bag by cheating on his wife, he is -preying- on a minor. Yeah, you can be mature at fifteen. But according to science, she still has not fully developed her reasoning skills, among other things. That is why we have laws regarding minors.
You need to tell the parents for certain, and I would tell the wife as well. It's not going to be easy but it's the right thing to do.
Send a letter to the parents.. start there. I would hesitate to send one to the wife of the guy, just in case you don't know the whole story right now, maybe later. Good luck!
the parents need to be aware of your observations. not your feelings or thoughts. just your observations and let them handle it from there
Tell them, face to face. Forget the letter BS they could easily dismiss that as a prank. If they don't like you for it...too bad, you're moving anyway. And being liked isn't the most important factor in this situation. There is a minor involved! What if you telling could prevent a teenage pregnancy? Even if there is nothing going on at least the parent's of the girl will have a reason to keep closer watch on their well developed but surely immature and impressionable daughter. And if the guy is 26 he should behave more appropriately lest he develops a pattern (with the youth) that could lead him to something he regrets (or should regret).
Everyone acts like this 15 year old is not going to have emotional damage because of this! You and your husband need to meet with her mother, and tell her exactly what's happening. If this were your child, would you want the whole complex to pretend like the problem is the man and his wife/s, and the girl and her mother have nothing involved in this? She may need counseling. They may need to go to the police. His relationship with his wife is stupid to talk about. It's about the child.
Normally, I would say stay out of it, especially since you haven't actually seen them doing anything sexual.
But the girl is 15. You have to tell her parents.These kind of things have a way of getting back to the source. In my opinion, I would not get involved and stir drama or gossip, the injured parties will find out themselves and said couple will suffer more hell with solid proof rather than speculation. But I'm not condeming anyone who wants to warn others. Happens sometimes. And is necessary sometimes. Use your own judgement.
Spray paint "HOMEWRECKER" on the girl's window, and "CHEATER" on the guy's car.
I'm most concerned about the daughter. One option you have is to contact the police (personally I would use the non-emergency line), but if you tell them who it is they WILL have to act on it (if they have enough information to do so). That means the man might be arrested, but if the fifteen year old denies it they might not be able to press charges. Still, it might be that that solves the problem and the relationship stops, even if it has the potential to destroy the families (although, since this man is sneaking around with a fifteen-year-old, HE'S the one ultimately responsible for the destruction).
I would contact the girl's father first - in person, if it were me; he has every right to know and try to protect his daughter. It would then probably be advisable for him to contact the police. Whether or not you tell the wife should probably depend on what you know of her.
@DenimPants@xanga - Going to the couple first may not have any impact. What 15 year old girl is going to listen to an outsider, especially when it comes to romance? Teenagers have this impulse to always do exactly the opposite of what they're told to do. Chances are, she'll amp up her behavior as soon as the author of this post says something to her.... As far as the man goes, it could get nasty. I know I'm jumping to the most dramatic scenario here, but what if he decides to threaten this couple if they don't butt out of his business? In my opinion, it's better to go to the father and wife first. They know their family members better than the author of this post, and therefore, should be the ones to handle the situation.
@rachmorgan01 - Do the opposite of what they're told by their own parents... Getting shamed by an outsider can be kind of jarring-- that and it gives them the opportunity to stop while they're ahead. If it continues and there is proof, then by all means, go to the parent. But by going to the parent/wife first you're guaranteed to ruin everyone. As for worst case scenario, really, if they told the wife first, what's to stop him from rampaging on the author after the fact? There are repercussions for both actions, and no absolute answers. Question then becomes: damage control?
Whatever risk you want to take-- it's up to you.
I think you should leave it alone. If your family noticed this kind of thing and you're not even involved, what makes you think those two other families don't realize what's going on as well? Chances are they just want their lives to be blissfully ignorant.