I am a mom afflicted with a psychological disorder, one that I have had even before I met my husband or had my son. It is something that I have lived with since I was a young.
I live each day with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
When you think of Obsessive Compulsive disorder, you may think of people obsessively washing their hands or checking their locks on their doors. But there is another form of OCD, one that is less often talked about because the shame felt by those who suffer with it. It is something called "purely obsessional OCD". The primary symptom of it is being affected by obsessive thoughts, thoughts that just won't quit. Scenes continually play out in the mind with no reprieve.
This began for me when I was a teenager. After my father had passed away, I had found myself plagued with thoughts of wanting to harm myself or the others around me. The thoughts scared me something fierce, and they just wouldn't stop. I began to doubt myself. What kind of person has these
thoughts? Come on, surely I am crazy and belong locked away. This is what I told myself each and every day I had these thoughts.
Throughout the years I was put on
many different medications in hopes of something toning the thoughts down to at least a dull roar. But it never helped. In 2008, I eventually checked myself into an inpatient facility to get some help. I came out of it not much worse for the wear, but hoping the thoughts would begin to subside. 2008 was the same year I met the man who would soon become my husband. I eventually ended up telling him about these horrible thoughts, thinking he would be out the door before I finished telling him. But instead, the whole time I was talking, he held my hand with tears in his eyes and called me brave.
In December of 2009, we had found out that we were pregnant! What joy and excitement there was the day we found out! But soon reality began sinking in for me: what kind of mother am I going to be? With these thoughts, what if I have them about my son? Why can't they just stop? I just wanted them to stop.
Sure enough, the thoughts were there after my son was born, in addition to having post-partum depression. The thoughts played out in my mind, and scared me. I told myself that I was the
worst mother in the world. The same year that my son was born, I had attempted suicide. I felt that my son was better of without me. What a better mother he would have! He shouldn't have to deal with a mother like me.
I was brought to the ER, where they gave me charcoal, and everything was okay. I was again admitted to inpatient behavioral health and was started on a strict regimen of new medications. While I was there, I realized just how much I had missed my son. A week later, I came out with a whole new lease on life. I was put in a day program, too.
Each and every day is still a constant struggle, but instead of wanting to die, I want to live. I want to tell my story. I want to be there for my little boy, to see him grow up. Most of all, I tell myself the thoughts are just that.
Thoughts. Nothing more.
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Comments (12)
I'm a mom of two and I suffer from Severe OCD, I so know what you mean, the river of unnstoppable thoughts but I do have a lot of compulsions like a lot. I do fear soemday I'll lose the daily struggle and end up failing everyone but I try, everyday I try to be alive and be the mother my kids need.
I'm not the depressive kind but more of a manic, that makes appareaces easier but also makes the risk of a slip greater. I only take meds when I have audio hallucinations or stop sleeping but the meds make me so very numb, the thoughts don't subside but the reactions are less intense. No meds work to control the compulsions though, I have tons of routines and lil things I "need" to do and requirments to fill before I realize the simplest tasks.
Best of lucks to you, it's so great that your partner is there for you and there's nothing more important than wanting to live and sww your boy grow up and thrive. Totally worth it :)
I'm glad to hear you're on the road to recovery, to be there to see your son grow up healthy and strong. How wonderful your husband is so supportive of your affliction. I always believed that we should be singly strong, but that just shows how important to have a partner who is willing to help you become a better person. Best wishes
I have OCD also, of the mostly pure obsessional variety.
I once read something about OCD that changed my life. It's the fact that the people who have terrible thoughts are actually the least likely to act on them. Our brains trick us by obsessing us with thoughts of things that are the furthest from anything we would actually do.
The second life-changing thing was finding out that OCD brains have a wiring issue. When we think about doing something, our brains saddle us with the feelings of guilt we would have if we actually did it, which sound like what happens in your case. You don't deserve that guilt; your brain just doesn't understand the difference between thinking of something and doing it.
I'm not a mom, but I'm sure it must be very difficult to deal with OCD and parenting at the same time. I know that understanding OCD doesn't stop the thoughts, but it has at least helped me to make peace with the fact that having them is a quirk of my brain and doesn't make me a bad person.
that is rough...hang in there.
:( i have ocd and thankful that i do not have your type... I'm an over organizer lol it comes and goes in spurts while pregnant with my daughter the whole nesting thing was extreme! Even went over to my parent's house and organized her whole house from top to bottom haha. Anyways sending prayers and thoughts that you truly realize how amazing of a mom you are just by getting help. A lot of people can't even do that...
I have pure O too. Life is hard for me. But I can work, & take care of myself. I take an SSRI, it helps a little. Miss what your husband said to you is true...you are brave as brave as any soldier on the battle field...peace to you and your mind miss.
@Pickwick12@xanga - Me too...
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - Me too
@KellysBackinTrouble3@xanga - Me too
@xXxlovelylollipop@xanga - me too
And me too OP
@LKJSlain@xanga - That's actually really interesting. Sometimes when I read your posts, I get a weird feeling that we think similarly. Guess it makes sense :)
me.too. Except I am more and more developing the compulsions too, and I don't know why....
You said you were diagnosed with OCD several years ago?
It's important to make sure you are treated for any and all current sympotms you may be facing, and part of that is having an up-to-date diagnosis.
Considering seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist for an updated assessment on your symptoms, and perhaps, considering seeing someone (who specialized in CBT) can help.
It's imperative that your diagnosis(es) is accurate and up to date so that you can be treated properly.
I'm hoping any feelings of guilt you may harbor will pass. Mental disease is just like physical, only in the mind. I'm also hoping they put you on some type of medication, and that you don't feel horrendous guilt at the thought of not breast feeding if you take meds. Mom has to be well in order for baby to be well. Thank goodness you have a supportive spouse to help you walk the walk. My walk is bipolar disorder.
I hope I'm not alone in this belief. OCD can make you strong. You do something over and over again, a little differently each time, you suddenly surprise yourself and accomplish the absolute impossible, far surpassing your original expectations.
Miracles happen when you obsess over minute details. you find the pixel in the pattern, the grain in the bushel, and the discrepancy in the equation. I know this from experience.
Sometimes OCD can be a good thing, if you use it in a positive and productive manner.