Wednesday, 10 October 2012
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Breaking the Abuse Cycle
I grew up in a verbally abusive home, I suppose you could say. I was told things like:- You are out of shape (when I complained of being out of breath, but I was diagnosed with asthma a few years later). Stop being lazy.
- What? You think I wanted all you kids?
- You kids drive me crazy.
- You are fat.
- What is wrong with you?
- You have got to be kidding me?
- What happened to the 2 extra points? (referring to getting a 98 on a test in a grade ahead of mine instead of a 100)
- etc etc etc
In contrast, my husband grew up in a somewhat physically rough home. I was spanked out of discipline, and so was my husband; but his mother and father tell me to pop the babies for squirming with diaper changes (um - they have an ulcerative diaper rash that makes me squirm! Why would I punish them for being in pain?). They tell me to pop their hands when they reach for my food. My MIL grabbed my oldest daughter a few years ago by the feet when she was climbing on the coffee table (she was no older than 18 months old) and dragged her off the table. My husband says this was the way he was raised and that he is fine. I am NOT against spanking, but I reserve spanking for when the action has to be immediately stopped, i.e. putting herself or one of her sisters in danger.
So my question is: How do you break the cycle?
I try to be aware of what I am saying to my children, the feelings it conveys, and the feelings that they may feel because of it. I tell them absolutely every day that they are loved.
I am not perfect. There are some days when I am absolutely exhausted and drained. Then something slips. Something mean. Like "why would you do that?" when they put their hands in dip and smear it on the wall. Or "what is wrong with you?" (in a mean tone) when the whining has hit an all time high.
I think that knowing what triggers the response in myself is the key to breaking that cycle. Trying to get a full nights sleep or trying to do something for myself whether it be the gym or a pedicure, really does help. But sometimes I just don't get that break that I desperately need. And getting a full nights sleep is rare with teething twins.I almost hate to type this out...today is my wonderful husband's birthday. He is an awesome husband, and a good daddy. And I almost hate to type this on this day, but I have to while it's on my mind. Yesterday, my oldest was not listening and kept taking her fruit off the table and dragging it into the living room. We asked her twice to return to the table. The third time, my husband lost it. He picked her up and forcefully sat her in her chair and told her to listen. Two weeks ago, we returned from the park, and my oldest was crying horribly - she acted out because she didn't want to leave the park and she was overly hungry and tired and couldn't control it. After about 20 minutes of this complete tantrum, my husband spanked her three times in a row. I was horrified.
I have approached it by saying things like, "I didn't like it when (MIL) grabbed Isabel by the feet and dragged her across the table. That was dangerous and could have hurt her."
He says, "I was raised like that. She was just trying to get her to stop climbing. I am fine."
When I told him that it really hurt my heart to see him spank her because she was overly tired and overly hungry and couldn't control it, he told me he was sorry but he had hit his limit.
He is really good about letting me get out every so often when he is off work to do something small by myself even if it just run an errand, because he knows that I need it. But he is burning out, too.
We do have a mother's helper. But it really isn't helping. We have four kids. Even with our helper around, we split them up to go to gymnastics or dance. But even split up there's still two kids that need constant attention.
When my husband is well rested, he is much more patient and not at all quick to be rough with the children.
When I am well rested, I am much more patient and not at all quick to say mean things.
So, back to my original question: How do you break the cycle?
And in addition: How do you teach patience? How do you obtain it?
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JM_in_SC@xanga - Name: JM
- About Me: Wife to an ER resident physician, mom to 2 beautiful small girls, part-time family nurse practitioner, with three sisters. Living a very blessed life.
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Comments (13)
The best way to teach, I think, is leading by example. If a parent wants their children to have compassion, patience, and kindness, then the parent must show those things to others around them. My parents were great helpers - they loved being active in the community, helped whenever they could, and my mother was always willing to cook a meal for the hungry. Now, I can't stop helping people and it drives my husband crazy.
Breaking the cycle. I'm not sure how to do it. Your mother sounds like mine. While she was kind to everyone else; she was very strict with me. In ways, I can see your husband's point. Despite her being very strict and sometimes brutal to me, I turned out to be a (I think) decent human being... but her methods still mentally messed with me (I'm OCD because I was never good enough for her). I'm insecure. I'm afraid of confrontation. It had its repercussions.
Give your husband a good spanking. He'll learn!
just try to be the best mom you can be, in the end you're kid is gonna love you. if you're honest with them and if you're showing and telling them you love them everyday then that's perfect. avoid, adult talk with children around as it can cause children to worry about things and they don't know how to control worry at that age. it can onset anxiety. make sure you appraise your child, and here is what's helped me getting through my trauma and abuse. opposite action, when you feel like you're being triggered, whatever you feel like doing, you need to stop and realize what actually matters and try and offset yourself from lapsing backing into old habits, or crutches you used to "deal" with stress. try and break those patterns, so if you feel like you need to yell, don't yell but try and talk with a soft approach. if all else fails, let go and Let God. take a breather, your kid can last without parents for ten minutes. give yourself room to have patience. anger is in all of us. for real life is still, survival of the fittest and sometimes a little tough love is actually the love you need. think what's best for you and your child, and for your child's life time. only you know them best.
I feel ya! I snap sometimes with my daughter. Like tonight, after hours of whining and crying, she cried for a bite of my yogurt. I went to give it to her and she smacked the spoon across the room (in anger). I grabbed her and very firmly sat her on her little couch and went into this long story about how angry and sad mommy is and how she is acting like a mean little girl. Of course I feel horrible now, but she has cried and barely slept for 4 days because of her cold, and I have really reached my limit. My husband even yelled at her for the first time today. We are so exhausted and are short-tempered. So really, don't beat yourself up over the occasional language you use, like "Why would you do that?" That isn't abusive. Is it appropriate? Probably not, because they don't understand that type of language. But you are doing the best you can and seem to be opposite of what I would consider abuse, so don't worry.
That is not ok for your MIL to drag your daughter off the coffee table. She could have smacked her head off of it and injured her. Does she still act this way with your other kids? You and your husband need to come to a common ground with the discipline issue, and it needs to be conveyed to his mother so that everyone is on the same page.
Everything that @LondonsMommy said, I agree with. Totally.
I grew up with physically and verbally abusive parents. Both parents would say horrible things and both parents hurt us. I received the brunt of the abuse because I was what they always referred to as the "difficult one." I vowed early on to NEVER treat my children the way I was treated. I want my children to grow up knowing their mother is so proud of them, feels so blessed to have them and will always love them unconditionally. I want my children to know they can come and talk to me about anything. To break the abuse cycle, I try to remember how I felt when getting hit. I remember the fear and resentment so much more than I remember the physical pain. I try to remember how the words said to me, even though they were said in anger, ruined my self esteem. It would break my heart into a million pieces to ever find out I made one of my babies feel worthless like I always did. I am not perfect, though, not by a long shot. I yell when I get super frustrated. I have uttered phrases from your post when frustrated. I have even so much as threatened to hit my kids when frustrated. Rather than beat myself up over these lapses in judgement, I wrote them down and hung the list up in our closet. Every time I feel myself going to that dark place, I take a deep breath, walk into my bedroom and look at the list. This brings me back to neutral, and I'm able to handle whatever situation has arisen with a more calm and constructive approach. My husband yells more than I do and loses his patience a lot quicker than I do, so having me around really balances him out. In turn, having him around to be the better disciplinarian (I'm a sucker for the kids' cute faces, and have a hard time sticking to my guns when it comes to following through with a punishment) helps to keep things consistent. Remembering that parenting is an on going learning experience truly makes me feel better about my shortcomings.
@rachmorgan01 - Well said! "Remembering that parenting is an on going learning experience truly makes me feel better about my shortcomings."
That's the truth! We all make big mistakes but just keep working on it and it will come in time...and even then you'll make an occasional mistake. Three things that you did right is realize that the abuse you endured was not your fault, you have chosen to alter your actions accordingly and you are doing your best to follow through with your choice. That is breaking the cycle. Perfect example.
In fact, you began to break it when you made the vow to yourself to deviate from what you experienced. Give yourself some love for that.
Remember that when you get mad, you need to look for the emotion behind that anger. Anger is a quick fix for a bigger problem underneath the surface like tiredness, frustration, fear, etc. Granted, in the moment, it won't be easy to think through that but after every mistake you make, go back in your mind later and try to pinpoint why you got so angry. After a while, you may discover what it is that you need to work on and things that can help you stop and think (in the moment) of a better solution because it will happen again and when it does, you can be better prepared to stop yourself in the heat of the moment.
I also came from an abusive, angry home and I've had to learn a whole new set of mental/emotional skills when it came to raising my kids. I used to get so angry all the time and yell as a knee-jerk reaction but now I am much more able to discipline and express how I'm feeling to my kids or what I'm thinking in a calm way. I had to learn it because things were starting to get really bad. I am still trying so hard on this because it's a tough thing to overcome.
I just hold to the idea that my kids need to see an adult handle life in a mature, non-angry way. I never got that and you may not have either so it's even harder for us to know how to live without anger. It really is a life skill that parents have to teach their kids and when you've never gotten it, it's so hard to display it to your kids. I applaud you for working towards it.
As far as the MIL goes...As your child's mother and protector, you have a right to tell her not to pick your child up by their heels or in any other inappropriate manner. You don't have to be terribly blunt about it but I would strongly encourage you to make your point well and not even worry if they like it or not. I've actually had to tell my father point-black to, "NEVER grab my child again", when he grabbed my 18 mo. old by his wrist and drug him across the room because my child, "wasn't listening", when he told him to back-up from the tv. Yeah, an 18 month old.
Give yourself a some serious slack and let go of the guilty. You sound exhausted! I mean, twins, c'mon, that exhausting! Teething twins at that! No wonder you're on edge, you must be so tired. That's mentally, physically and emotionally fatiguing and the last thing you need is more worry, guilt or stress to make it worse. Validate your feelings and give yourself a break. Besides, guilty parenting is not healthy parenting. Your kids still need discipline and consistency. Don't allow your fear of being like your parents to crowd out some much needed time-outs when your child doesn't listen after you tell them to do (or don't do) something.
When I was younger and my mom being a single mom did the best she could but when we were bad and pissed her off we knew because we would get hit with whatever she saw in sight. I have 3 boys (2 bio) and I use to give them spankins but only used my hand. but then I realized it did no good. So I got to the point they went into time out or grounded. My mom has 8 grandkids, and has never laid a hand on them. she taught me how to redirect them like if they were climbing take them to play with toys. if they dont want to eat at the table keep it there till they feel like eating. there are sveral ways to redirect and if you get mad (i learned the hard way about this) go to bathroom or in another room take a deep breath calm down the deal with the sitution after you are calm down never punish when you are mad because you may go over board been there done that. All this is coming from a mother of 3 teen age boys.
@Kuai_le1010@xanga - Your reply to my comment really made me feel good. I am so unsure of myself most of the time, and receiving praise from others and recognition that I'm doing the right thing really helps. Thank you!
Your husband may be fine with the way your mother-in-law disciplines YOUR child, but you're not. I understand that he grew up in that atmosphere. But you both decided the course of action for tantrums, climbing, etc. not the grandparents. You have to firmly tell your husband that you do not feel comfortable having your MIL discipline YOUR children and that right is reserved for you and your husband! And you can gently tell him that when he is tired, he can take a quick time-out before acting out on the child. But I think you're both good parents. And his parents may have been good parents despite the physical acts of discipline, but it's not their place to do it at your home. That's how you break the cycle of abuse.
"my oldest was crying horribly - she acted out because she didn't want to
leave the park and she was overly hungry and tired and couldn't control
it."
That just sounds like an excuse for your child. I don't feel your husband was wrong.
@SHEERROSE@xanga - it was completely my fault for allowing her to skip dinner and taking her to the park instead and pushing dinner back. We normally eat at 6 but that night didn't get home until 8 which is bedtime. So she was overly hungry and overly tired. I do feel like time out was appropriate so she could calm down but I do not feel like spanking her three times in a row was appropriate especially when a part of the problem was tiredness and being hungry. I feel like spanking is appropriate for when the action needs to be stopped immediately ie putting herself or others in a dangerous situation NOT for my lack of judgement. I know she needs to eat at a certain time or we struggle. Every single time. She just turned four last week and still very much needs bed time at a certain time and needs to have her meals at a certain time. I am not saying her behavior was acceptable. I am saying that my husband could have handled it better. He spanked her because he was tired and he spanked her angrily and forcefully without explaining to her afterward why she was spanked. After she ate supper she was completely fine w behavior. So you can't convince part of it was being hungry. I am not against spanking. I am against using it for the wrong reasons.
First off, none of the things you've described are really classified as abuse. You're afraid to cross the line that you're nowhere near. You seem way too timid with disciplining your children.
I don't have children of my own. I've been the babysitter, the nanny, the aunt, etc. and I live with my family- including my 2 little nephews. I take care of children anywhere from newborn all the way through middle school age at any given time. I take the lead of the parents, always. I never spank children unless like they do something crazy like run into the road, or dangerous or something. Which is fine! My nephew is constantly opening the front door- he now knows how to unlock both the door and screen door. I'll smack his hand for that.
Kids crave discipline and boundaries. They honestly do. They want control, and need to have it. Without it, you're going to raise wild animals that don't know how to listen that turn into teenagers that think they are entitled. I can count on 1 hand how many times I've spanked any child and have fingers left over.
I really do understand though, the abuse cycle. I did get spanked as a child, but that's not what I remember most often about growing up. I remember the roof over my head, clothes on my back, the valuable lessons my parents taught me, the fun times we had, and how we were a close family.