Tuesday, 09 October 2012
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An Open Letter to: Parents of Special Needs Kids
I am afraid to make this request of parents who have special needs kids because I don't want to be politically incorrect or step on any toes. But I have seen enough instances of it now and how the kids pay the price for it, that I am going to risk potential wrath and just say it. I am a Sunday School teacher (volunteer), and that is the position I am coming from.Moms and Dads of special needs kids,
Please do not leave your child in my classroom without telling me that your child has special needs. Your child, his teachers, and his peers, are suffering for it.I have taught and assisted in classrooms for 1st and 2nd graders, and 3 year olds. I have had kids who are obviously autistic, ADD, have sensory processing disorders, etc., and not once has a parent approached me before leaving their child in my care and said, "my son/daughter has these special needs. This is how you can cope with them. Please let me know if you have any questions." I am 100% sure some of those parents are unaware of the diagnosis, but even when a child was diagnosed during the season I had the child in class, I still found out because I approached the parent about it, not because they chose to communicate it to me. Meanwhile, I had been super frustrated by that child (because I did not yet identify the child's behaviors as a disorder) who had been extremely disruptive in class. Fast forward to my approaching the parent and communicating that I wanted the child to be successful in my class, but I needed help knowing how to handle these behaviors. Suddenly the (recent) diagnosis came out, I was given tips for coping in the classroom, and the child was able to be in class with me successfully!
In the second instance that this happened, I had started assisting a teacher in the 3 year old class. A child came in, and when he was greeted, I knew immediately by the teacher's tone that this was a "problem child," and she was not happy to see him. I observed him carefully throughout the night, and I also observed the teacher's interactions with him. He was treated differently than the other kids, and not in a good way. While I had picked up on all the classic red flags for autism, the teacher was obviously unaware, and every autistic behavior he showed, she treated as an inconvenience and a willfully wrong behavior. I was almost in tears by the end of this class, seeing this child isolated and treated negatively because of something that so easily could have been communicated.
This past Sunday, the mother of all incidents happened when a child with a behavioral disorder was left in my care without a word about his needs, and it ended in his grandmother and mother chewing me out when they came to pick him up, because one of my volunteer helpers had grabbed the child's arm, to stop him from repeating the same wrong behavior he had been doing for the last thirty minutes. This parent had left her special needs child in a classroom with 20 other 3 year olds, and 3 adults. I wasn't even present when he was dropped off, so they had left him with two adults and 20 other children, without a word about him having a behavioral disorder that required extra attention. I was unusually short-handed that day, and had they communicated his needs when they left him, we could have at least tried to make accommodation or figured out a better solution so his needs were met. Instead, his needs had to be guessed at and coped with in the spur of the moment, leaving him and the teachers incredibly frustrated and unhappy by the end of our time (nevermind that the whole class was disrupted and barely got through!). And then I bore their wrath for a problem that should've been prevented by their own communication to begin with.
Parents, please don't do this to your child, and please don't do this to the people who are volunteering to care for him/her while you do your thing. Some of you may argue that these volunteers need to be trained to recognize and cope with special needs, but I would argue right back to you that I am trained (from a previous job, not from church), and I still cannot pinpoint a child's needs and meet them spur of the moment like that. It's not fair to your child, his/her teachers, or their peers.
You are your child's advocate, please communicate their needs!
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About the Author
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- From: PreMommy@xanga
- Name: PreMommy
- About Me: I am a fairly-newlywed with a heart for kids. I blog about the things I'm thinking about and doing to prepare for becoming a mommy, and welcome readers who are in the same boat, and also experienced parents! We are now expecting our first baby in May 2013!
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Comments (16)
Okay, full disclosure; I was ready to be ticked off based on the title of this. As the mom of a child with special needs I was imagining something that was going to leave me fuming.
Thankfully I took the time to read the blog before I lost my cool. You are absolutely 100% correct and I can't imagine any parent I know not relaying the necessary information to a caretaker. I advocate for my daughter daily. No, I do not wish for the focus to be on her diagnosis, but if I do not give the tools to the people whom will be caring for her, I am doing my child and those caretakers a grave disservice.
Thank you for how you handled this. I appreciate it.
I agree with gwacemom. I, too, was 100% ready to be irritated by this. As I read it, I found myself not mad, but rather grateful.
My son has ADHD, ODD, and SPD. At the beginning of this school year, I went out and bought a cheap composition notebook, and labeled it "Parent-Teacher Communication Log". I wrote out my sons diagnosis, and informed his teacher on how we help him at home. It has made a world of difference for his teacher, and she thanks me often for doing this. None of her other parents have thought to do something. It's really super simple, and can avoid MUCH frustration. It takes less than a minute to discuss. Thanks for posting.
I can understand your frustration. Parents should disclose any and all information they know will be helpful to teachers before leaving their children. None of my children have special needs, but my middle son had a hard time transitioning from being with my father or I to attending nursery class at church. Once I let the teachers know about his separation anxiety, things went well and within a few weeks, he was allowing us to drop him off without a problem.
I agree 1000%. I thought special needs children had their own classrooms & teachers though? By the time I was finishing high school, my school had a program where special needs children or disabled kids went to regular classes so they didnt feel so isolated. One boy I'll never forget was in a wheelchair & we both had to leave class about 3-5 minutes early & I paired up with him once on an assignment. He was really sweet & even though he was in a wheelchair & I would hold the door for him, he ALWAYS opened the door for me! The way he did it was he would wheel himself close to the door, swing sideways & hold it open.
I think some parents dont mention it because they feel embarrassed & dont want their kids to be treated differently but it has the opposite affect. Any good teacher would be subtle & help the student instead of putting them on blast or ignoring them. I have a friend studying to be a special education teacher. I've been rooting for her!
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga -
She's a Sunday school teacher, so they don't usually have the resources for segregated classrooms.
Often parents assume the volunteers do not have any training. Not too many people in the general public know what SPD is, or they know only the aspects that pertain to their child. Or, parents get fustrated by a revolving roster of volunteers and figure that the hour spent in Sunday School isn't long enough to bother with full disclosure. When I had to leave my son in volunteer care situations (like at the parenting center), I wouldn't go into the diagnosis, but I would say he has sensory issues that can cause behaviour issues and come get me if there's any trouble.
THANK YOU! As a youth pastor I have had times where parents won't pass on the very important information of the special circumstances surrounding their children. I once had a student with Asperger's that no one told me about. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and why this young teen was fixating and throwing fits. I finally asked someone if there was something wrong and they said, "Yes, he has Asperger's, didn't anyone tell you?" No. No one shared that very important tid bit of information. Sheesh. :)
A huge thank you to you parents who (took the time to read my post before getting mad
and...) speak up about their children's needs!
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - We actually do have a special needs class, but parents seem to think it's not for their kids with behavior-based needs.
@TracyKVM - It's two hours of time, and the same volunteers Fall-Spring and then a different (but regular) set of volunteers through the summer. I've often figured the reasons you mentioned are why parents don't speak up, but man, if they would even say, "he has sensory issues that can cause behavior issues and come get me if there's any trouble," I would be satisfied and able to handle it! Special needs are such a taboo/touchy subject, figuring out how to approach a parent (or even to ask anyone else that might know) is SO HARD. I don't even need to know the full diagnosis, I just need to know what I'm facing and how to handle it.
I am sure those parents don't mean any harm. They probably just want their kid treated like all the other kids. No one wants their kid to grow up labeled as "the kid with a problem." But at the same time, I totally see your point.
@TracyKVM - That's a shame. To volunteer nowadays, you have to have a few hours of training at least to help out with kids. It's a liability issue. When my nieces were in aftercare or daycamps, I told the staff I'd volunteer but they told me I had to have a license & other certs before I could help. I can see why though. When I was in school, parents would come in to help out & didnt need those but times have changed.
@PreMommy@xanga - I dont see why...there are different types of needs. It's worse when they dont tell & a child is punished for something that may be beyond their control. I've seen teachers fly off the handle over things like that & it's uncalled for. Teaching is often a job where someone is overlooked & rarely thanked & I get that but if it's too much then maybe they need a different job.
If you see a teacher handling a child poorly, why don't you pull him/her aside and say that you suspect the child may have some issues that need to be dealt with differently?
I've been working for my boy's preschool and on the school buses for two years now. Not once have I ever had a parent NOT tell me if their child had behavioral problems. Most around here, and all the ones that I've had to interact with, are more than happy and willing to share information with me, my drivers, and the other teachers so that we can help the kids get through the day. Same as I am with my own son.
I've worked in childcare for a couple of years and have experienced the same thing on occasion. One boy in particular seemed to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum but none of the other teachers nor his mother communicated about it. I have no training in working with autistic children and basically had to figure it out by doing it.
Now, I think a lot of things that are simply matters of personality are medicalized when they don't need to be (e.g. a young boy who, in the history of the world would have functioned perfectly fine but is now expected to sit in a desk 7 hours a day must have a conduct disorder) but there are definitely some things, even if not diagnosed, that need to be communicated by the parent to the caretaker.
@gwacemom - Sometimes these posts are titled poorly just to get people to view them...like the one that said "Outing my son" with a picture of a boy drawing rainbows appeared to be about homosexuality when it was really about autism.
I agree that this post was good though, as someone who works with kids and plans to teach middle school. It's really sad when kids have to pay for the miscommunications of adults.
@Manic_Butterflies@xanga - From my end, this was not titled in a way to be provocative to get clicks.
It would have been a little long-winded to be even more descriptive than it already is: An Open Letter to Parents of Special Needs Kids Who Leave Their Children in My Care and Keep Their Child's Diagnosis a Secret.
Kinda crazy, right?
@Manic_Butterflies@xanga - Yes, I am aware. I had an editor change the title of my blog posted here years ago to read "life with my mentally challenged daughter" when it was actually titled "life with my medically challenged daughter". It was the last time I allowed them to use my blogs for the front page. Never was there an apology, an explanation, nothing. I was less than pleased. It is for that reason that I always read first before passing judgement.
@gwacemom - There are different editors here at Momaroo now than years ago, I know I have only been on board here for a couple of months. I'm sorry for what happened to your post, I would have been upset, too.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - Yes, I am aware there has been a change. It was an intern at the time that simply didn't pay attention.