Thinking back to when I was pregnant with my son, it was a hectic, exciting and scary experience all at once. After all, he was my first child. Going to the doctor a couple of days after I took my test, we were told that my numbers were a bit low, and that
possibly could mean an ectopic pregnancy. At that very moment, I felt an overwhelming love for the little life growing inside of me. I was scared for it, I wanted it to be okay. I knew I would love my child more then life itself.
Everytime my fiancee and I were at a store, we would head to the book section to scope out their selection of baby books. We usually would come home with one or two. We wanted to be prepared, ready for anything. Boy was I wrong about thinking I could get all my answers from a book, but I digress.
When it got close to my due date, which happened to be August 30th, 2010, I was anxious, nervous, and full of Braxton-Hicks contractions. I swear I thought I was going into labor each day I woke up with them. However, finally the day arrived when I was indeed in labor. After walking around the maternity ward for 3 hours, my obstetrician told me I was dilating and I was having this baby today. That's when it hit me.
I had felt like I was just hit with a ton of bricks. "You're having this baby today". My first thought that popped into my mind was "OH NO I'M NOT!". I was so scared, I didn't know what labor was going to feel like, what was going to happen or if everything was going to turn out okay. Hours passed, and finally Syrus arrived, this is the moment I had been waiting for. This was it, I was going to get that dreamy overwhelming sensation of love the minute they placed him in my arms. I waited for it.
He was put into my arms, I looked him in the eyes, and felt absolutely nothing. Not a thing. I don't know if it was from being so incredibly worn out from labor or something else, but I hadn't felt the slightest twinge of anything. Don't get me wrong, I was excited he had arrived, my son was here!
But as for that sweet sensation of falling in love with your child the minute they are placed in your arms? That had felt like a total and complete lie to me. I believed every word those books told me. I know that it is different for every person though, so this brings me to the question:
What did you feel when your baby was placed in your arms for the first time?
Recommend
Comments (8)
I did feel the love and it was amazing. However, I also felt a huge amount of fear and inadequacy. I was afraid because I really was his mom. I really was one of the people he was going to depend on the most....forever. I was afraid I wouldn't be good enough, of the mistakes I would make, of hurting him etc. Even though I was excited and overjoyed that I got to finally meet my son, I was sad as well. I was going to miss my life as a non-mother. I was going to miss not being able to always put myself first. I was going to miss the freedom and lack of responsibility. I was going to miss not being a role model.
I am sorry those books lied to you. I am sorry those books did not prepare you for ALL of the feelings that you may have when you first become a mother. Above all, I am sorry there were not women in your real life that weren't there to prepare you, tell you everything, or they maybe felt ashamed because they also didn't have a storybook initiation into motherhood.. You are a freelance writer, have you ever considered sharing your experience and/or collecting the experiences of others and sharing them?
I felt love, joy, and this instant connection that is indescribable. I couldn't believe he was mine! But i was also terrified. This tiny, helpless human-being was 100% relying on me for his every need. That was overwhelming to even think about, and still is sometimes!
After the first Labor, which was horrendous, back in the day of no epidurals, no nothin, even with an episiotomy I tore through my rectum, which would be fixed surgically. I remember feeling joy when they showed her to me, but whisked her away because she'd been through so much she wasn't crying properly. Her body temp was too low, so I couldn't see her for four hours. I remember not having that wonderful feeling of love. I was in so much pain, and so exhausted. But I do remember extreme concern over her, and wanting to be with her as much as possible. My friend, who had 4 children told me, "Many women don't feel that gooey love until they get up in the night with the baby and have that one on one nursing experience." I felt overprotective as we brought her home, and made everyone wash their hands before touching her, and then, about a month later it hit me. "I think I'd just die if anything happened to her." I'd actually been loving her the whole time, but not realizing it, because so much was going on physically. So no one need feel guilt if they don't have the exact same experience, and we shouldn't compare ourselves to each other either. She's now 36, and the protective feelings haven't left, and the love hasn't left, only grown.
LOL, when the doctor told me I was having a baby today I said, "Oh, no I'm not," my daughter was born 4 hours later. haha I guess that doctor showed me! Of course all 3 times I gave birth I told someone I was not having a baby that day.
Baby 1: Thank God they cleaned her up. She's messy.
Baby 2: This isn't my kid, why are they giving me some strange baby?
Baby 3: Yeah, again this isn't my kid. How did they stash a kid under the bed and what did they do with my real baby? OMG, there's a messy kid on me! (I almost threw him off of me and I didn't want to touch him until the midwife said that his face was smooshed into my belly and he probably couldn't breathe.)
Haha... well, no I don't think it's a question of whether love is instant or not. It's all about still being in shock. Giving birth (and I have turbo births, my longest being 5 1/2 hours) is really quite a shock. They should actually mention that in all the baby books. It is traumatic to your body and mind even if all goes well and you're having your 2nd, 3rd, etc. baby.
Usually, by time you spend the first night with them you wake up in the morning with all those good feelings.
I did NOT feel any instant love.. yes I cared about her and I knew she was mine and I her mother. But, it compared nothing to what I feel for her now!
I felt absolutely terrified. Any instant love I felt was over-shadowed by the powerful urge to sleep. I had a hard, exhausting labor. The Stadol they had given me was still in my system at the time of the birth & they told me my son had to go straight into the NICU to monitor his breathing. After they took him away, I passed out.
Six hours later, I woke up to the phone ringing and realized I hadn't seen my son since he was born.Then I felt guilty.
I adore the boy now, but the moment he was born I probably didn't look like a Movie Mom. I resembled a real woman who just gave birth and wanted to take a nap.
With my first baby, I was so relieved that the pain was over when she came out that I almost forgot the relief came with a new baby too. I was so caught up in thinking "thank God that head is not in my vagina anymore" that when they set my daughter on my chest, my thoughts were a mix of, "ew, she's slimy," and "what am I supposed to do with this baby?" I should probably mention I was only 19 years old so I still had the thought processes of a teenager lol. Anyway, I was excited that she was here, but I can honestly say I didnt feel love for her until about 2 weeks later. In fact, for the first couple of weeks, she seemed to prefer her dad so I cried a lot thinking I had a daughter that would never love me. I felt like I was babysitting for a friend. She is almost 6 years old now, and obviously she is the love of my life. But, no, it wasn't even close to love at first sight.
I didn't even really want to be holding my son when I had him. I felt nothing at all. They cleaned them first cause I told them in my birth plan that was what I wanted then put him on me wrapped in a towel. I was like what the hell is this thing. I had to get them to move him when I needed to move because I was too scared to. I didn't even care, to be honest. I didn't want to dress him or anything, I let other people do it and didn't even watch. I wish I could go back and do it again cause I missed out on so much, but I was unprepared and scared. Not to mention exhausted after a long labor. I didn't even start bonding with him for at least a couple of weeks, I just went through all the motions because that was what I had to do.