Monday, 01 October 2012
-
Am I Overreacting?
Okay so as many of you know, I'm a working mom. I work from 8am to 5pm. Obviously, if we could depend on my husband's income, I would stay home with my son. However, we can't because there's no way we can depend on that. So luckily, we have my mother-in-law watching him during our work hours.Now, I don't know if I'm overreacting, but I get jealous that she gets to spend so much time with him and that at times he favors her over me. Sometimes, she makes it worse because she will say things like, "Adan is mine." And then if he goes to her instead of me, she will say, "Why don't you go with your mom? Why do you come to me all the time?" And I don't think that's fair because if I could, I would be the one home with him. It bugs me that she says that he is hers.
I am the one that:
-gave birth to him
-is his mother
-buys his food, diapers, clothes, and toys
-put a roof over his head
-makes sure he has electricity and water
Am I wrong to feel like this? I don't think I can really talk to her about it because she is so generous and watches him better than anyone. Is this a sacrifice I have to make so that my son will be safe? I think so... Plus, I don't want to hurt her feelings..
Should I tell my husband about this or just shut up and get over it? I'd appreciate any advice.
image source
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: ChristyMaeRendon@xanga
- Name: ChristyMaeRendon
- Location: San Benito, Texas, United States
- About Me: 25 years old, married, and working mother of a 20 month-old baby boy and a 3 month-old baby girl <3
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 3209 Comments: 0 16 View all posts by ChristyMaeRendon@xanga
Comments (16)
You have every right to feel that way. And saying something may be good so you don't become resentful. When she does say why don't u go to ur mom, why do u come to me say because he is with you all day, and u probably will get Teary eyes but say and you wish he could be with you all day. When she sees your emotion she might get it.
Before talking to her I would talk to your husband. He should be the first person to hear your concerns as he knows your situation best and could probably offer some really great advise.
I think you might have to grin and bear it.
This happened to me all the time, when I was a nanny. It also happened when I was looking after my own brothers and sisters, but that's a different story. The point is, she's not deliberately undermining you or coaxing the child to come to her- she's just what he's used to. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Little kids attach to who they are around, especially if it's not their parent. Did you ever hero-worship your kindergarten teacher? It's like that. Mom is just plain old mom, nothing new, but the caretaker is something special. Don't worry. He still wants to live with you. :) And anyway, if you can't change the situation... don't waste too much worry over it! Your son is safe and cared for, and you're lucky to have family to watch over him. Count your blessings and feel relief while you're at work, knowing that your son is safe and happy. :)I felt the same way when my daughter was a baby because I was working full time. Now I'm only working part-time and she goes to preschool during my working hours so it's been alot better and she comes to me more often now.
Talk to your husband. It's his mother and he should deal with it. It would come across differently coming from you than him. Your husband definitely needs to know and he should calmly let her know how it makes you guys feel. Best of luck.
She sounds like Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond with those "little" jabs. You can decide to do a few things. Whatever you do, don't play into her comments or make him a prize to be won in a Mommy Vs. Grandma game.
If you are worried about causing drama and want to avoid it, bear it (you don't have to grin). When you are home, make sure that the time with your son is well spent. Sing a special song to him before and after you drop him off. Just work it out between you and your son, especially as he grows older.
-or-
Ask her not to say things like, "he's mine", because it could be confusing to him and makes you feel sad. You could also reassure her of how much you appreciate her help and want her and your son to be close but it hurts you to hear those things because you want to be home with him so badly. You could also tell her you understand that it's natural for them to be so close because he is her grandson and they do spend so much time together but it's a very sensitive area for you. She may or may not understand but at least you'll have gotten it out in the open.
-or-
Have you husband deal with it. This could cause some serious family tension because she may feel like you are talking about her behind her back and saying bad things to your husband (her son) about her. I kind of think that because it is between you and her, that it should stay between you and her.
I doubt there's any malice behind her comments, so it might be best to let them roll off your back. If you find you can't let it go, try talking to your husband about it first. This is his mother, and he knows her better than you, so he can probably be really helpful in finding a solution.
Little kids get attached to their caregivers. It doesn't mean your son loves you any less, it's just that he spends his days with Grandma, so he has developed a special bond with her. You could try implementing a special routine when you come home. Maybe sing a certain song with him or make up a dance? Anything to get him excited for your arrival should help immensely.
You and your husband are very lucky to have a family member willing to take care of your son during the day. You have the security of knowing your child is with someone who loves him to pieces and will do everything in her power to make sure he's safe, happy and healthy.
lol.. my mother does this with my children and I am the saty home who cares for them. She calls them her baby's. And tell's them they are hers.
It is understandable why you feel that way. I don't think it is anyone's fault. He's just around her so much that he has probably become attached. Next time she says something about him wanting her, just say something like "Yeah, it makes me sad and I wish I could be home with him more but I just can't." That way she realizes it hurts your feelings and hopefully she gets the hint.
1st, talk to your husband. Tell him how you are feeling about this and get his opinion.
2nd, YOU have a good old fashioned heart to heart with the mother in law. It will mean a lot more if you go to her, mom to mom, then if your husband goes to fight your battles for you. Chances are she is not doing it to be mean and nasty, she might not even be aware she is hurting you.
I am that gramma who watches a 12 month old grandson. And I always appreciate my daughter-in-law talking to me. It can be done in a very kind and appreciative way. Trust me, her days aren't a piece of cake, and you are so fortunate to have someone who loves him that much caring for him. Would you rather find someone strange, someone you really don't know? Would that make you happier? Over time, we've just learned to talk, and one thing you could do is what we decided on. MId afternoon, I sit down and make a log of our daily activities, foods, any tantrums, length of naps, visits to the yard, sandbox, walks outside, cute things he did or didn't do, the time of the last feeding and nap, etc. That way she doesn't have to hang around, she can just scoop him up and go home without talking endlessly to me. And always tell her what your preferences are in certain situations. She may disagree, but you are doing her a favor by telling her, so that there will be no hard feelings in the future. We've already begun talks about toddlerhood and time outs, etc. Love your baby, and for heaven's sake, realize someone else is loving him do death. And find a reason to rejoice in that, because maybe, just maybe, she feels unappreciated sometimes. Also, and I know this message is too long, but I'm a care giver all day, if my little grand boy does something really really cute, I text mom and tell her, and when she gets a chance to read it, she is really appreciative, and shares it with her co-workers.
I know I did the same thing when I was little and I had a childminder - apparently I cried when my mum picked me up because I was having fun, but it didn't mean I didn't love her any less, I just loved being around other kids and doing different things from what I did at home. It just happens - kids get attached to the people they spend time with. If you took a week off work to spend with him alone, you'd notice a big difference, I'm sure.
Thank you to everyone who responded!! And you are mostly all right... She is my mother-in-law and although it sucks that I can't be home with my son, at least he is home with someone who loves him... I would much rather have him with someone who loves him than someone who mistreats him.
P.S. We got my mother-in-law a puppy and some of her affection is being shared now lol.. Win-win situation for us all...
Tell your husband
Jealousy is from insecurity.
Your son does spend more time with his grandma and a wonderful bond has developed between the two. (and it is good that he has a loving relationship with his grandma)
If you would rather that bond to be with YOU, then you must make sacrifices and quit your job OR work shift opposite of your spouse so he can take care of your child part of the day and you can take care of him the other part.
Or work just 2 days a week and you spend 5 days per week with your son.
It is only for a few years until he enters preschool or KGN.
Good luck as you make your decision.
Christy
I understand feeling jealous, both of the time she gets to spend with him, and the fact that he sometimes goes to her rather than you.
I am a bit lost that her suggesting he DOES go to you bothers you? Am I missing something?
Please re read your own post. Your mother in law cares for him 60 hrs a week, and your list of what you do (this is what YOU shared with us) is a list of physical/material things. Small children, unless they live in dire poverty, take electric, diapers and a roof as a given. Your son has no understanding of who pays for what or how much appreciation you expect for those things you list.
Kids understand time and love. Children the age of your son have NO concept of dollars and cents.
If this hurts your feelings too, I am sorry, but reality doesn't bend to make us more comfortable. I'm glad the puppy helps, I'll bet your son loves it as well. What are you going to do for child care when your little girl is born?