Hey moms, I was wondering if you could help me out with this one. Here goes....
Today I took my two boys, 15mo. and 3 yrs, out shopping. My husband works and I stay at home with them. I constantly have to find new things to do with them, to entertain both them and myself. Today we set out to buy new fall clothes. We went to our favorite second hand toddler clothing store - they grow out of their clothes in a month, I'm not spending a bucket of money on clothes! This store is located in a small strip mall. Next door, I noticed a used book store and decided to look around for just a minute. This is where the problem started...
The store was very small but nicely organized and I could see books that I was really interested in from the get go. My children, however, had a different agenda. Like all kiddos their age, they wanted to touch or look at everything and since there were no carts or room for even a small stroller, I had to hold my little one and try to entertain my 3 year old so I could sneak a peak at a couple of books. I was pleasantly surprised when I got to the back of the store where there was a little "kids corner" closet/room. The boys were very happy to play in there with the toys and books. We looked around in the kids corner for a while and then I came out and stepped not 3 feet away from the open door to the kids corner when the sales lady told me that I couldn't leave them unsupervised. Although I was slightly confused, they were certainly NOT unsupervised, I could see them where I was standing, I told her I'm sorry and brought both of the boys out into the section of books I was looking at.
Now my boys are not angels, they are kids. I do my best to make them behave and I think I'm pretty good at it but I'm very far from perfect and they are very young, it's going to take time for them to understand what they should and should not be doing. The boys were laughing at each other, not very loudly I thought, and running around me, literally, not around the store, around me in a very small area. This happened for less than 5 minutes. I could see them, they weren't hurting each other or anything and there was no one else in the store except us, the sales lady (who I think was the owner) and her daughter who looked to be about 16 years old, and they certainly weren't hurting them. So in my mind they were okay. But very soon after, the sales lady came back to me and told me that I needed to get a handle on my kids and that there was a kids corner in the back that I might be interested in taking them to.
My first thought was is this woman a mother and what in the world was I or my children doing that was offensive to her? So since I couldn't leave my children "unsupervised" in the kids corner while I looked at books and I know that it would be nearly impossible for me to hold both children and have them be silent or to even keep them from walking a couple feet away from me, I put down the book I was looking at, took my kids and walked right out of the store.
But now that I've has some time to think about it, I was certainly embarrassed and offended. But more importantly it made me question: Are my kids badly behaved? Does everyone see us and think my family is unruly? Am I not being a good mother in that way? Am I not strict enough?
So that's why I'm bringing this to you. Am I in the wrong or are they??
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Comments (18)
I think it's more of the store being snobby then your kids misbehaving....
I am not a mother, but I would like to share on this subject. I have seen plenty of parents that are not strict enough, as their children abuse the merchandise. LOL
It sounds to me you were doing a great job as a parent, allowing the children to be children and yet not allowing them to damage anything, including their self. You did great by simply leaving!
Don't let one person make you feel like a bad mother. I don't see anything that your children did wrong. I would not have left my son unattended in the kids corner either. I would have done the same thing you did. The sales person was being a snob. Children laugh, giggle, talk, and play. I doubt if she would have said anything to two adults sharing a laugh over a book or a magazine.
I don't think you need to play the "blame game", kids are going to be kids... I have learned the hard way that I can't even go to a public library unless we are there for the kids. They have no interest in my side, nor waiting while I read titles, back of the book, or anything. I believe that a library shouldn't have loud children, even though they see no issues, I know I certainly don't want to hear others kids screaming (easier to reign mine in at 5 and 7, plus I know and prepare ahead of time since there are others there for the free computers/internet, rude on my part to have screaming kids).
Instead of being upset by it all just see it as a learning expirience, and better plan when kids can be left with daddy? That is what I do...
@Growedup@xanga - Not always possible. How can we put our lives on hold until Daddy comes home? We can't really just sit at home because we're afraid the kids might make an offensive peep. I think we just put a brave face on and do the best we can with what we have at the time.
I can see where you are coming from... but having worked more then a few years in retail I can see where the people in the store are coming from too.. Maybe they had had a rough time with kids in the past (Ive seen children act more like Tasmanian devils in a book store then actually behaving).. Yes, children will make noise.. Yes children will take things off shelves and look at them.. but it sounds like these were snooty people who have had issues with children in the store in the past.
I would not take it personally... but I would also not take my children there again...Or maybe next time you are in without the children, stop and talk to the people who work there and see if you can find out if there is a reason for their attitudes.
Ive always said that you cannot teach a child to behave in public unless you take them out in public. Leaving them at home all the time won't teach them anything.
Wow..they were totally out of line for saying anything. I'd write them a letter saying what you just told us. Maybe they won't even care, since it sounds like they don't need customers, but at least you got it out there. From what you described I don't see a reason for them to interfere.
However, I worked retail for a few years and there were parents who I just wanted to strangle! They let their kids run around the store, scream, rip things off the shelves... I probably would have told my kids to stop running, especially in a bookstore. I know the 15 month old would not listen, but the 3 year old should. I would also tell them to whisper, because we are in a book store. Not that your kids were screaming or running into anything, but I just don't want my children to seem out of control or have free reign. Just don't be one of those parents who turns their head and pretends their kids arent throwing things across the aisles haha.@sarahsmurfette@xanga - I run into that problem a lot too! I try to take my daughter shopping or to run errands and when I complain someone says "Well why didn't you leave her with a sitter or grandma?" Uh because she is my child and a part of our family, so I don't just keep her cooped up in the house in case of a tantrum.
As a mom of 11 years and a former retail worker, I can tell you that you are certainly NOT being a bad mom. What they were doing is par for the course with younger kids. They weren't hurting anything or anyone, and it seemed to me like they were doing a pretty stellar job at entertaining themselves. I have seen parents literally leave their kids in my store (small and mall based) and just leave. Those were the kids that tore everything up and put themselves and others in danger. The parents would come back and find their kids in time out...imposed by me.
Then there was this lady I saw the other day at the store. Her little boy looked to be about 3 years old and he was happily skipping along a little ways ahead of his mother. Not out of sight. And she was freaking out. Having a total bitch fit that he kept on skipping ahead. Then she snatched him up, spanked him and walked away. The dad...all he said was to let go of his shirt. I wanted to pipe up and tell them that he's just a little boy and to let him act like one. Poor kid seemed to be a real burden on his parents.
Anyway, you seem to be doing a great job if your boys are that well behaved in public at their age. Don't let some stranger let you feel otherwise. Especially not a child hater...lol.
Perhaps she was afraid of them becoming rowdy, even though they weren't yet. Or maybe she's just really strict herself. Who knows?
You know what I notice? Every single one of us has to get judged when we go outside our houses, among other people, whether we are parents or not. Everything we do is likely to be picked apart by complete strangers. But moms seem to take it the hardest. Perhaps, by being occupied with the care of children, they let their guards down. I don't know. I also think that people are more likely to voice their opinions on child-rearing than, say, the outfit that they are judging you on. My point is, everyone's got an opinion on everything you do, they're just brave enough to say it when it involves defenseless children and a mom who doesn't want to make a scene.But maybe, it would help if you just try not to give a damn what some old lady thinks of you and your beautiful, lively young sons. Who cares if she's cranky? That's her problem, and also her problem if you don't buy her book- you can always pick it up somewhere else. Yeah, she was probably wrong. But you can't change what she does, you can only change you, so, channel Clark Gable here and say, "Frankly, my dear..."... You know the rest.@sarahsmurfette@xanga - I understand what you are saying... but you can't get offended when you choose to take the kids into situations. Not attacking, just stating fact... I run certain errands when my husband can take the kids... I too am a SAHM (stay at home mom) while my husband has two jobs, so I know what it is like. And unlike most clicks I see at the kids' schools I am not going to "make friends" just so it can be a give and take relationship of helping with each others kids (that is as tacky as joining a church so you can take advantage of their resources).
Sorry if you got offended, but I was simply thinking that if it is as simple as a "book store", you could do it while kids are with hubby, a friend, family... and than less drama on the next trip. Hence learning lesson as I call them (and I have many). I noticed the post was mainly to rip the person apart, call names, and I personally don’t want to jump on the “bully” wagon.
@LondonsMommy - Can be as simple as taking a child back to the car, a time out to the side to get them calmed down... no one would ever treat a child like a dog... but if you know your kids are going to act a certain way why would you than subject others to life choices you made? As a mom I chose to have children, I know what they act like at various ages, and it shouldn't than be something other need to "deal with" because I decided to have children. I wouldn't allow my child to run around anymore than leaning over a booth while eating out. Nothing personal, but I personally wouldn't than teach my kids to blame others, use it as an excuse to bash the person and retail store, and instead find the positive learning expirience... even if it means to get the "quiet time" needed to buy a book, leave them with someone you trust
@Growedup@xanga - I didn't think this post was to rip any one apart. The post was written more as a self reflection. Her questions more focused on herself, inward reflection, "am I strict enough? Am I in the wrong? Am I not a good mother?" The grammar was geared toward herself, I felt. I thought it was an honest question and not a guided discussion meant for only one conclusion.
@Growedup@xanga - Oh I definitely leave her with daddy or grandma when I know she will be grouchy and we are going somewhere quiet. We quit church altogether for now, because she screamed (happy screams) the whole time. But if I need to go to the grocery store I take her, and sometimes she does throw fits if she gets tired. I have to figure out exactly where we are going each day and what type of mood she will be in. I will not let her sit in restaurants and cry and ruin everyone else's dinner, but I also don't think I should keep her out of Walmart so others don't have to "deal with her."
From what you described, I'd say you're doing beautifully. Little kids are not quiet, they don't hold still, and they don't always know exactly how to act everywhere. Those lessons are learned by trial and error. I've seen kids misbehave, and have been known to silently judge their parents, but from what I can tell, your boys were behaving exceptionally well. As far as the store owner goes, she may have jumped the gun, but I wouldn't have taken her attitude as a personal attack. Maybe they've had problems with kids in the past? She doesn't know you, your children, or how you are as a disciplinarian, so chances are, she was just being cautious. Don't beat yourself up over this.
I have 3 kids ages 6, 3 and 2. I'd say they're well behaved the majority of the time, and we can usually take them anywhere without much of an issue, but they have their moments for sure. All I can do is try to reign them in when they act out and nip the behavior in the bud, or take them out. For example, when we go to the library, my youngest refuses to use a quiet voice. He doesn't usually scream, yell or cry, but he talks loudly. Am I going to remove him from the library for this? No, because he's not hurting anyone, and a little noise is expected in the kids' area. I don't, however, take him with me to the adult sections out of courtesy for the other patrons when he's being especially noisy. All we can do as parents is make the best of the situations we're in and use our own judgements, instincts and knowledge of our children when making decisions about where we take them and how to handle the not-so-perfect moments.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - I completely agree with you! We as parents shouldn't be expected to leave our kids at home or with a sitter if there's a chance they'll act out. How else are they supposed to learn how to behave in public if we don't take them out in public?
Thanks ladies for all the comments!! As mothers (and fathers lol) I guess we all go through doubts as to whether we're doing a good enough job. May that be reason enough for us to be slow to judge other parents. I've done this before, while out in public I see a child screaming to death and the parents frustrated and angry and I jump so some conclusion. But what if that kiddo wasn't feeling too well that day or didn't get enough sleep or any other number of reasons a child's mood goes haywire and the child just couldn't express it properly? Or what if the parents were having a rough day and so their patience was all but out the window... Any number of things can happen so I guess I'll think of my situation and be quick to be encouraging and if I truly need to say something, I'll do it with the upmost respect, goodness knows a parent's job isn't easy lol...
That's on the sales owner/lady. Sounds like she has a rod inserted somewhere and just wanted to assert herself and/or worried you and the kids would be distracting/put-off other would-be customers.
If that were my children and me, then I'd just walk out and not go back. The owners behavior and attitudes were uncalled for.
people always think they know best...this saleslady obviously had some issues with kids i think if you left your kids there and could see them in view it was okay as long as you can see them ...which u said u could ...she couldve made this such a great experience for you since there was nobody else in the store and u couldve end up buying something obviously has no customer service youre not wrong! maybe a little sensitive but thats human nature! Keep on being a good mom! :)