I have a child in college. She calls me at least once a week for money. She has a job, but just can't manage her money well. She has decided to live off campus this year, so that comes with a variety of more money problems. She will get in a jam and call me and I have to put money in her account. Well, I guess I don't HAVE to, but then that would leave her without a car, or lights, or school books or whatever else she needs.
When does the time come when I can finally say, "fly on your own"? When she is out of college? Or will it be always this way?
I just can't afford it. I want to say, "The Mommy Bank is closed", but don't know if I should. She lives so far away and if she is in trouble I want her to call. But I just wish she could figure a way out of her own mess or think ahead before spending her money.
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That's a tough one. I can understand you not wanting your daughter to be without, but by helping her every time she asks, you're not doing yourself or her any favors. Help her out one last time, and explain to her that she will have to manage her own money better from here on out. She hasn't realized that once money runs out, there won't always be someone there to bail her out. Help her by reconsidering her living expenses and how she spends her money. Clearly, she must cover tuition/books/supplies and her rent and utilities (including gas and car maintenance fees), followed by food. She will either find a way to earn more money and/or cut her expenses. That may mean less fun during the off time, buying groceries and cooking at home, finding a roommate to split the rent or a less expensive place to stay. She might be paying extras she does not need to, such as paying for a gym membership when there is an exercise room in her apartment building, or miscellaneous fees from frequent ATM withdrawals. Or, it may mean she needs to move back home and attend a different school. We are not born knowing how to spend our money smartly, we must learn. Best wishes.
With a 20 year old of my own this hits close to home, but close the bank. This is the time to let her fall onher butt and do for herself. If you don't do it now it will get harder and harder.You are not doing her any favors by bailing her out, how is she to learn if you don't let her have the hard knocks. Start out bytalking to her about where her money goes and that she has X amount of time to quit spending on crap she shouldn't. Then only pay forneeded items,tuition, books (she should already have what she needs) and then let go. Food she can get from bumming from friends and clothes she has enough of. Tell her you are there to help her make wise decisions but you won't bail her out. And then stand firm.
My 20 yo is uber responsible with money because since he was 10 he has done odd jobs for money and payed for extras, toys snacks, fun books,gifts for friends and by the time he was 17 he has paid for alll he needs for clothing and extras the only thing I pay for is his food. When he has a job he pays for that himself. As a parent this has been hard for me to do but I know it is what is best for him to learn how to manage money and take care of himself.
oh and the way they getnthe extras is buy tem for birthdays and christmas....and those sort of holidays
Might not just be a "fly on your own" so much as sitting down with them and creating a budget and quick reality check? Sounds harsh, but I'm doing it with my kids before they leave the nest so they learn to live in their means? My 17 year old sadly has $40 to his name in savings... he spends every dime he gets as fast as he gets it
My mum cut me off when I graduated. But, I didn't get money every week from her. I got a limited amount every month to help with bills and rent and food, but once it was gone, it was gone until the next payment. Now I work and although I live at home, I pay for everything myself. Sit her down and tell her you can't support her forever. At the moment, she's relying on those payments from you, so she's not budgeting properly. Once she realises you won't give her anything, you'll be surprised at how fast she learns to manage her money.
Start annoying her about all the unnecessary choices she's made. It will harass her into independence. You'll have to be intentional about it.
"That looks new. When did you buy it? I gave you $xx.xx so you could waste it on that? You don't need the name brand, the generic is just as good. You're not even looking at the price tag, are you?"
Eventually she'll realize that she'd rather budget her OWN money than put up with her mommy badgering her like she's a child. Dependency will last forever if it doesn't have any disadvantages!
Hits close to home for me because I'm a recent grad and relied heavily on parental support. I think there are a number of things you could do to help balance the budget, depending on your situation and hers.
1) Start asking where her money is going. Firstly because it makes her accountable to herself, and secondly, if you're financing it, you should know if it's a necessity or a frivolity. I had to ask my parents for money a couple times during college, typically after a break when I didn't/couldn't work my on-campus job, and it was always for necessities.
2) Loan money rather than give. This was my parents' deal with me for large expenses like room&board, and textbooks. My dad kept an account, and now (2+ years after college) I'm paying it back. It's better than a student loan or credit card, though, since they can offer me lower interest rates and the money stays in the family rather than going to the banks. Win-win.
3) Go over her budget/expenses with her (over Skype, email, a visit home, etc). Come to a consensus about what's reasonable and what's not (call her out on shopping or eating out habits!), how much you can afford to help her out. This is especially relevant regarding the apartment next year--will it actually save you (and her) money over living in a dorm (typically it does). How will the time required for transportation, cleaning, groceries, cooking, etc. impact her ability to work and study (and socialize, because we all need breaks and it's networking)?
4) If her grades drop...you could be justified in cutting her off entirely, but don't jump to that conclusion. Long or inconvenient work hours could take a bite out of quality study time. Of course, so could an overactive social life; or a combination of the two. I hope you know your daughter well enough to figure this out, but...be cautious? I know someone who was forced to drop out 2 semesters away from his degree...while there were multiple factors, I'm sure working 30hrs/week to make ends meet didn't help the situation, although I don't know how much his parents could have ameliorated that (i.e. their financial situation).
My parents helped me out to the tune of $25k in college (over 4 years!) in spite of my full-tuition scholarship and working 12-15 hrs/week and full-time in summer. I am now paying them back from my grad school stipend...slow but steady. We always had a respectful partnership; I did what I could, and they helped out with the rest. I know some people need to learn money lessons the hard way, but why jump to that from the get-go? As long as your child is respectful and mature about it, take the gentle and helpful way first.
Sometimes they have to go through hard times. My mom closed her mommy bank a long time ago though it had more to do with having her own financial issues to worry about. It's been tough, I really don't make that much money and Miami is an expensive place to live in but there wasn't anything I could do. I've gone through times where all I had to eat for a whole week was a box of mac n cheese. I'd make the whole thing in a huge bowl and just eat a little every day. Trust me, that hunger pain isn't forgotten easily so I know that if I have to choose between going out for a night or groceries for the week that I try to make the best decision.
If she straight-up just doesn't make enough money, sure, help her out. But if she's being irresponsible with her money, that's her own problem. Cut her off.
I can completely understand you not wanting to cut your daughter off. It's hard to see your children struggle, and I'm sure the thought of withholding money from your daughter when she needs it makes you feel guilty. You want her to know she can come to you with problems, and maybe you're worried she'll stop doing so if you no longer give her money?....
Why is she calling you for money? Is she calling because she spens her money on things she doesn't need such as fast food or going out a lot with her friends, or does she just not have enough to cover her bills? Tell her you'll help her write out a list of all her monthly expenses, and encourage her to be completely honest about where all her money is going. Then, tell her to start eliminating the unnecessary expenses and offer cheaper/free alternatives. If what she makes isn't enough to foot her necessary bills, cutting her off completely could lead to much bigger problems like dropping out of school. Maybe she should get a roommate or apply for some form of state aid if available? I don't know how things work where she lives, but programs like food stamps are really helpful.
Bottom line is, your daughter is never going to learn how to responsibly manage her money if you continue to bail her out. It may be hard at first, but she will thank you later!
My parent's have agreed to help me out until I finish college. They give me a set amount each month and if I waste it it's my own problem. That way I've still got to learn to spend my money wisely, though I am pretty good with how I spend my money.
Maybe sometimes, but not every time, you could tell her you don't have the money. These are difficult decisions, and since she made the choice to live off campus, she should be required to work at a job while going to school. That should have been her choice. But since you bought off on her story, and are really suffering as to how she'll do, I'd say to it in increments. She should not be calling for money as often as she is. You are basically capping her at the knees. "I don't have that much money left in my bank account, so you are going to have to get a job, or learn to live with less."
i think it depends on the situation. i have a job that doesn't pay all of my bills, so my mom helps me out with a set amount a month. she likes to call it her "i don't want you living in my house anymore" payment.
in your case, though, i'd cut her off. HOWEVER, it is your responsibility as a parent to teach her a thing or two. my mom cut me off without ever teaching me how to budget, and it led to massive amounts of debt. part of why she gives me money is to help with it.
You should give her a month to straighten our her finances while you are supporting her, But sit her down and teach her how to figure out her finances. Do the calculations with her, how much is she making, how much is rent a month, how much is gas/utilities, give her a limit and boundaries. Be a parent for godsakes.
I learned how to manage my finances when I had to work in high school to help my mom pay rent, and years of being told NO to things I wanted simply because we couldn't afford it helped me place less value on consumables and fanciful material possessions. The fed paid my way through college, I did work study all 4 years of college, and lived off campus for two years paying my own rent and utilites because it was cheaper to do so. And I never got a credit card until after college.
Wow. Very difficult situation. I think it's safe to say if she cannot manage on her own then she needs to come back home to Mom, quite simply. Φ ≡
The Mother needs to realize that her daughter, no matter how far away she goes, if she gets married, if she gets divorced, or even if she has another child. That growing woman will still and always will be - her daughter.
In these hard economic times I know its difficult, however I will say quite simply don't close the "mummy bank", children need support both emotional and financial however the following might be helpful advise.
1) Go through her expenses and help her make a budget, see where her money is going, and if the job she has gives stable hours, ask about her pay rate etc. If she doesn't make enough to run her car, buy text books, eat and necessary things top up her money a bit with a stipend every month, but state that she gets this stipend once a month. That is it in normal circumstances. Once a month stipend, once you have helped her create a budget, see what she earns, and have figured out if her job is stable.
2) Emergency's happen, please put aside some money to help your daughter in emergency's, such as breaking an arm or leg, crashing her car, or someone crashing into her car. Emergency dental work, strange medical conditions. They are bound to happen, and they always have a significant financial outlay. Is it really fair to expect a student with a part time job, to pay for emergency dental work.
3) Keep financially supporting your daughter throughout college, if on campus housing is cheaper and saves money, then by all means ask her to stay in on campus housing. Once she graduates re assess the situation, if she gets a job right away, then stop the financial support. State that once she has a full time job, you would like to be repaid back some of the money you supported her with, sign some paper work, and have it come out of her bank account once a month, once she is in a full time job.
You might try the Financial Peace program by Dave Ramsey for her. It might help to monitor her budget and goals with her for a bit before cutting her off- if you can afford it and want to do it.
It's a lot more difficult now to work your way through school than it was during my mom's time.
For me, and my parents, it was more important for me to go to the school that best fit me than the one which was cheapest. I go to a top engineering school out of state with the hardest physics program in the country. I am one of twenty students in my class in the honors program + participate on dance team. That said, my university is at such a high level of difficulty that I could NOT maintain a good standing as a full-time student while working - nor am I eligible for loans because my parents make too much money.
I have a great academic scholarship, but my parents do cover my other expenses. They pay my rent every month and give me a small, set amount every month. My mom has helped me learn to budget and go without through this method. That said, when a large expense comes up, like books or dance fees, she loans me money to cover that. The loans I pay off by working during the summer.
It's not a system everyone can afford, I understand. But if you make enough money that she is not eligible for financial aid, work study, or loans, you owe it to her to help her out financially. That doesn't mean she shouldn't learn to budget better.
Just my two cents.
May