Saturday, 08 September 2012
All my adult life, I have heard the feministic harpings about childbirth. “If you men had to give birth, nobody would get pregnant,” or “You men don’t know what pain is until you give birth!” Give me a break! Let me enlighten those of you who tolerate my rantings. First off, God gave the job of birthing to women because men in the early millennia, were too busy. Men had to put meat on the fire, fur on the backs of their litter and draw things on the cave walls…..it never ended. Women, on the other hand, were just standing there scratching their body hair, so the first God gave the job to women and it’s been that way ever since.
It’s worked out fair enough in most cases, but…..let me tell you how things would be different if men acquired the obligation.
First off, men would not get pregnant at the drop of a thong! We would use a well defined rhythm method. The ESPN rhythm method is based on sport seasons. Pregnancy would only occur if the scheduled birthing date happened during an off season for major sports. ‘Half time’births would be for premature situations only.
Another thing….pregnancies would only be five months long, longer than that constitutes stalling for attention. Delivery day would always be during the week and never on weekends. The current concept of hospital births would be a thing of the past. The archaic stirrup table surrounded by total strangers viewing all your hydraulics hanging out would be considered barbaric! Men would have all their babies at home. All prenatal treatment would be done on-line. As soon as their water exploded, they would group text all their birth-support buddies to come over right away.
The boys would show up with beer and pizza and in cases of twins, there might be a stripper evolved. The expectant father would set his La-Z-Boy recliner to the prone setting while sucking on a tube connected to two beer cans in his ‘Raiders’ game hat. He would also watch ‘Seinfeld’ reruns to help ease what little pain there might be. His friends would cheer him on with a running wave around the room echoed with over used expressions like, “git-r-done,” or “Push it out…push it out…way out!”
At the right moment, the father would shout, “Stand back boys, I’m gittin ready to rip a biggin!” Then moments later, the place would go frantic with cheers, shouts, back slapping, chest butting, laughing and vomiting. It may well be more efficient, but ‘anal delivery’ is not a pretty site to witness. Moments later, as the new supportive mom comes out of the kitchen to clean up the mess, friends would be helping the tired father to his feet and escorting him out the door on the way to ‘HOOTERS’ to celebrate. The exhausted father would turn to his wife and say, “Hon, can ya take care of the little darling? The little turd nearly kilt me.”
DISCLAIMER: I wrote this in a moment of humorous anxiety and in no way feel men are qualified or courageous enough to bear children…..besides, most men are still confused about what causes pregnancy anyway.