Thursday, 30 August 2012
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I Wish I Hadn't Told Him
I kept the news of my pregnancy from my daughter's father. I kept the news of her birth from him too, until she was 5 weeks old.At first, keeping my pregnancy from him bothered me. But when I finally had her, it bothered me more that I felt compelled to tell him. I didn't want to, I didn't necessarily need to (for my sake), but for my daughter - I did. Now she is 3 months old and every day I wonder if I made the right decision. Her dad graduates from college in May 2013, after that he talks of going to Europe for his Master's degree. Does it not cross his mind that he would be leaving behind his daughter, who will only be a year old at the time. I chose to end our relationship before the news of my pregnancy; and I ended it because I realized how very little we have in common.
We have opposite cultures, he is from Africa - I grew up in a small Kansas town. I'm Methodist, he is Lutheran. He likes politics, I stay away from them. I'm a quiet person, he is very outspoken. I hate cooking - he makes fun of me because I can't cook. I'm generous, he is greedy. He thinks child support is only for unfit fathers, I think it's a way to keep the father accountable for supporting his child. He thinks our daughter doesn't need any toys, I think she needs them to practice significant milestones and to develop her many skills. I decorate her room, he thinks it should be bare walls. He talks bad about America - I tell him it was his CHOICE to come here.
When I told him about the birth of our daughter, he was willing to give up his parental rights - just because he didn't want to pay child support. But then he asked me if he could change her name... What kind of a Father is that?!
I found out I was pregnant when I was 5 months along (I was on birth control), I didn't tell her father until she was 5 weeks old. And I did it for her; not for me. Not for him either. But now he talks of moving across the country in a year, we fight about how she should be raised, and he still hasn't paid any child support. What if I made a mistake telling him?
How do all of you single parents manage/learn how to co-parent? I want what is best for my daughter, and I believe that having her father in her life is a significant thing - but staying connected thru video chats as she grows up is not a healthy relationship. What do I do?
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About the Author
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- From: hrae
- Name: hrae
- Location: Wichita, Kansas, United States
- About Me: First time mommy and loving it! There is no greater pride or joy in my life, my daughter is my everything.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 7731 Comments: 0 22 View all posts by hrae
Comments (22)
You did not make a mistake in telling him. He does have a right to know just like your daughter has a right to know who her father is. To be honest, I think that if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't worry about child support and let this man do what he will (but this is because I have the means to take care of a child on my own and I could depend on my family in a pinch). When he offered to give up parental rights, I would have given that to him. If he wanted to be a part of her life (with or without rights), I would see it as my job to protect my child from broken promises. I would continue to let my child see him, speak to him etc so long as he was not abusive or my child does not start to feel slighted by having a relationship based on phone calls and Skype.
While I do think it is important for children to have male role models in their lives, I don't necessarily think it has to be the birth father. Being a father and a role model for a child is more than genetics and money.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - not much i can add to that. perfectly said.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - pretty much covered it all...
My birthmom did not tell my birthfather about me (I was an accident, she was on birth control and they used other protection.. but whoops!).. so there is a guy out there about 50yrs old who has a daughter he doesn't know about.. and that really makes me sad.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - Yeah, I'd say that about sums it up.
As far as co-parenting with someone from another culture- that is enormously hard even when said parents are together. My husband is Mexican and we have had a ton of challenges raising our son- and we're together! If you are her primary care-giver, parent how you feel is best. Especially if he's offering to sign over parental rights and not paying child support. That might sound cold, and I get how you might want to take his opinions into account since he's half the gene pool of the baby, but believe me, you will only end up frustrated. Unless he decides to take an active role in her life, continue to parent her as YOU see fit.
And hugs to you, because the road ahead will be complicated and challenging, but your baby girl will make you realize it was all worthwhile.
You made the right decision in telling him because regardless of how you feel about him, he had a right to know about his child and your daughter has a right to know about her father. Being culturally diverse could be difficult for you and him, but it could very well be fantastic for your daughter. This makes her even more unique and special than she already is.
I don't know how things work where you live, but I know for a fact (my cousin's a paralegal and worked with me when I was dealing with my oldest's sperm donor) that here in UT, a man cannot just sign over his rights because he doesn't want to pay child support. There has to be a reason, and a judge has to approve it. I personally feel that regardless of the custodial parent's financial standing, the non-custodial parent should still be expected to pay child support because it's their responsibility. Bottom line is, it takes two to make a baby, so shouldn't both parties be expected to do their fair share?
If I were you, I'd tell him to decide right here and now how involved he wants to be in his daughter's life. You owe him that much since he now knows about her. That being said, he owes it to you and to that precious little one to either step up and be the best father he can or step down before she has a chance to get too attached. As far as all the little decisions go like her room and toys, screw him. I know that sounds harsh, but you're the one taking care of her day in and day out, so he really doesn't deserve a say.
I'm just going ot be saying what others have already said, but you did the right thing. She has the right to know her birth father (if he wants to be part of her life). He has the right to know (I mean, if you were in his position, wouldn't you want to know?). That's as far as you have to go with that. If he wants to give up his rights as a parent so he doesn't have to pay child support, then let him. If he's just saying that he wants to give up his rights, start pursuing that child support. It sounds like you don't actually need him in your life. He's permanently part of your daughter's life, but they can talk on the phone and through Skype if he leaves for Europe. I'm sure there are other men in her life that she can actually look up to, your father maybe, or someone else. As for him wanting to change her name, don't do it. It doesn't sound like he wants to help out with raising her, so why should he get a say in what she's named?
Good luck and stay strong!
My response might be a tad more harsh than the others.
I can't believe you're talking about with holding information from a man about his child- as if it might have been a reasonable decision to make! And as if you only told him for your daughter's sake. It seems obvious that you would really like some financial support from him. And to me, it sounds perfectly reasonable that he wouldn't consider his daughter in his future plans- he didn't even know about her until she was more than a month old! How much of a chance to be involved are you really giving him?Yeah, it might have been more convenient for you to not tell him. But it would have been morally wrong. So, kudos to you for doing the right thing. Now don't act surprised that he has mixed feelings about being a parent, being financially responsible and emotionally there for a child that he didn't know about. I've noticed that's a common shocker to women who present ex-boyfriends with kids after the birth- they are setting the dad up to fail.Someday your child will want to meet her father, or, at least write to him. Even if it's not a loving relationship, you cannot deny her the right to know there's a man out there who fathered her, contributed to her looks, and probably has a very interesting genealogy. His family may want to meet her someday. And yes, in American courts, fathers do have rights to visit regardless of child support payment. Did you never apply for that? What happens here is, she grows up and resents you for not at least keeping her father informed, pictures and all. My son is a step father to a nine year old girl, whose father has been in prison on and off. But he sends her drawings a couple of times a year. Even though my son is raising her, and loving her, do you know what she said to me this year? "Gramma, do you know what my favorite thing is?" And she showed me one of his drawings. I think someday she will choose to have a relationship with him, even though her mother has done everything to keep them apart. You will have to tell this child about him someday, and the less venom you use the better off she will be. Africa? Man, I'd love to present my child genealogical records from his clan.
i'm sorry if this is off topic, but what do you mean when you said you didn't know you were pregnant until you were 5 months because you were on birth control? did you experience breakthrough bleeding on a monthly basis because of the birth control and therefore you didn't think you were pregnant? or was your birth control the kind that basically eradicated your period so you already didn't get it and therefore didn't have the benefit of missing your period as a sign of pregnancy?
i'm curious because i'm on the pill right now but this past month i missed a bunch of pills and doubled up at least once a week, so i got really concerned about a possible pregnancy. i just started my period but it came later in the week than it normally does and i'm wondering if i can experience this breakthrough bleeding and still possibly be pregnant because that's what taking the hormones do to your body.
thanks.
I'm somewhat in the same situation. I didn't tell my daughter's father right away. I have told him since, and the first thing out of his mouth was about killing her. Since, I don't bother with him he doesn't bother with me. I have a great guy standing beside me who has been there since day one. He's who I look at as the father of my daughter. She adores him as well, I didn't deny giving him a chance; I gave him one; I waited around for him to step up and he didn't; and I'm glad he didn't. Why? Because he would have just hurt her.
I see where you are coming from because sometimes I wish I wouldn't of told him about her considering now if he ever does come around in the future then I have to break her heart and explain that the guy who is her sperm donor only now wants to see her. I truly hope he never comes back in the picture to be honest.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - I loved your comment! I never would have looked at things that way, and I'm glad you were so blunt!
@Whatawonderfulmistake33@xanga - My situation is similar to your's. I got pregnant with my oldest child when I was 18, and my boyfriend was with me when I took the tests. When he saw the positive results, his impulse was to run away. Two weeks later, he moved to Vegas (I'm in Utah) with his dad (he kept my pregnancy a secret because he knew if his father found out he'd knocked me up, he wouldn't have let him leave me behind). He called me from Vegas and told me that not only was he not coming back, he wanted nothing to do with the baby. For the next couple of months, he hassled me over the phone telling me I couldn't date because I was "knocked up used goods," tried to be a part of the decision making, and so on and so forth. I decided to stop all contact with him for the remainder of the pregnancy. I was lucky enough to get ahold of my ex boyfriend's father a few weeks before my daughter was born, but unfortunately, he wasn't much help. My daughter's real father knows she exists, and he couldn't care less. He's never met her, never seen pictures of her and doesn't even know her name. He's a total deadbeat plain and simple. Over the past 6 years, I've received less than $1000 in child support, so either he has been unemployed or he works under the table. Right now, I have no clue where he is.
I got married in 2008 to a wonderful man who has raised my daughter as his own. Although it hurts me to think that my daughter is going to start asking questions and my responses are only going to cause her pain, I want nothing more than for her P.O.S. sperm donor to stay the hell away from us.
ANY man should be informed if he has fathered a child (unless doing so would threaten you or your child's safety)
After that...it is a personal issue as to how involved he is. Even if he has absolutely nothing to contribute, and you choose to keep your daughter away from him altogether, never doubt yourself for having told him; it was necessary. I'm sorry you're struggling with it. It really sounds like he should just go away, but that's not a decision to be made by strangers on the internet by reading a brief summary of your situation.
I would not have told him, but that's me. But, since you have already told him, I hope he helps support your daughter.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - I agree with you as well. The birth father has a right to know. It is commendable to make the effort to keep him in your daughters life. I think mothers that deny that opportunity of a relationship with the birth father of their children are just as "deadbeat" as the fathers that do not want to pay child support. Of course this is eliminating any form of abuse towards the child by either parent.
You can take him to court to get child support if he doesn't want to pay it, and it's highly unlikely that he'll ever fight you for custody of her given that he's uninvolved and moving to another country.
That said I'm not really sure why you regret telling him...because he's fighting with you about how she should be raised? He doesn't get a say if he's not supporting her and won't be around.
Tell him if he wants to have a say in how she's raised he needs to pay child support and be there for his child.
If he gives up his rights, he gets absolutely no say in what happens to her. He's also exempt from paying child support.
His being from Africa may have a lot to do with how he thinks her room should look and how many toys she should have. I imagine it's rather different over there. If he wants to have a say in what happens with her and how she's raised, then he needs to do his part and pay for the child support. If he refuses, you take his ass to court. Unfit fathers aren't limited to the drug-addicted or abusive, it takes every aspect of the father into account, including financial aspects. His refusal to do his part while still trying to have a say is the embodiment of unfit.
@apathy_sucks@xanga - Since no one else has piped up, i will.
best advice for you? pee on a stick (which is a funny way to say take a pregnancy test). The hormones in your birth control won't interfere with the results of the test so it will be accurate. if the results say that you are pregnant, stop taking the birth control and call your doc ASAP.@oscarthegrouch108@xanga - yeah the thing is, i had the... accidental incident too soon ago for it to show up on a pregnancy test. right before i went on the placebo and my fake period began. because periods on the pill aren't raelly periods, they're break-through bleeding. so i have to wait another week and then i'll be back on the pill. what i'm saying is i don't get the benefit of missing a period, so i could go buy a pregnancy test if i'm really worried about it, but i'm more curious about the author's specific situation as an anecdote.
@apathy_sucks@xanga - I'm not the author, so I can't speak for her, but when I'm on the pill (normal 28 day pack, not that stuff that runs on a three month cycle) I will sometimes have extremely light break through bleeding or no bleeding at all for months on end. As a result, it seems reasonable to me that someone on birth control might go for quite a while without realizing they were pregnant if they weren't showing.
As for your period starting later than usual, that isn't surprising considering that you haven't been taking your pills the way you normally would. While you could be pregnant, I don't think you should panic just based on that.
Whoa! You're Barack Obama's Mama! Be proud!
@apathy_sucks@xanga - I was on the birth control shot; I got a shot every three months and as long as I had the shot within a certain time frame I didn't have to take a pregnancy test; other than the very first test. The bc I was on did keep me from having my monthly period; and the only time I had breakthrough bleeding was for 1/2 a day which I now believe was the bleeding that occurs when the egg implants into the wall of the uterus. Other than that, I had no bleeding. I had no morning sickness either. I had weight gain and extreme drowsiness; which I thought were both from the stress of working and going to school... If it makes you feel reassured, spend some money and take a pregnancy test. I regret missing 1/2 of my pregnancy.. :(