Wednesday, 22 August 2012
I don't know if it is because of the girls going back to school, or if it is because I have started writing again, but lately I just can't seem to slow my brain down. I have big sentimental thoughts, tiny detail thoughts, and thoughts of anything and everything else in between. Thoughts are just bouncing off of the inside of my skull every minute of the day. I even started taking notes throughout my workday of things I want to write about because these little mexican jumping beans will not quit bouncing until I write them down.
So what started my unstoppable train of thoughts today was a song that came on the radio while I was working at my desk. Kenny Chesney came out with a song called There Goes My Life when I was pregnant with Emma. (Okay, I just googled it, and the song actually came out two years before Emma was born, but I'm pretty sure I heard it for the first time while I was pregnant with her.) Anyway, that song always stops me in my tracks because it always makes me think of what my life has been since I found out I was pregnant at the age of 18.
Really, though, I can't say I ever thought my life was over when I realized I would be a mother. I wasn't planning to have a baby so young, but I took the news and immediately had the mind set of, "Well, this changes some plans, but I'm up for it!" It has been an adventure ever since, as I am sure most moms would agree. So tomorrow, as Emma goes off to kindergarten, I can't help but think, "There goes my life..." Just like the song says. I realize we still have a long way to go, but it just feels like the first step she will take away from me and toward the rest of the world. *PAUSE* I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry...
Ok, I have composed myself...
As the thought train continued to barrel down the track, I started to think about how much Jeston and I have been through since we started dating and found out soon after that we were having a baby. I got pregnant less than 3 months after we started dating. We had both moved out of our parents' houses, but neither of us really had a place of our own. We eventually got a place in Branson, but we moved about once a year for several years after that. We have been through unemployment, living with family members, food stamps, and broken down cars. We have driven cars without insurance, and we have lived without health insurance. We have eaten many Ramen Noodle and dollar menu dinners.
When we moved to Branson the second time, we brought nothing with us. We shared one vehicle and one pre-paid cell phone, which we continued to do until just recently. We slept in my sister's basement garage next to a car, with a playpen beside our bed for the girls to sleep in. Neither of us had a job. Then one day, I looked around and realized we are doing okay. We each have our own car and our own cell phone. We live in a nice 3 bedroom condo of our own. We pay our bills, we manage to squeeze out tuition for Ellie to attend preschool, we don't have to scrape change together to buy diapers for Easton, we are fully covered by health, dental, vision, life, and auto insurance, and we both work at jobs we love. I am not sure when it happened, but it did. We are okay.
The craziest thing of all is that our level of happiness has always stayed the same. I think that is why we never noticed the climb out of the poverty pit. We have always just taken life for what it is, no matter what it is.
Remember that crazy train--I mean thought train--we were riding? The next stop is "sometimes-you-don't-know-how-close-you-are-until-you-get-there-ville". I was thinking about how we struggled and struggled until one day we realized we weren't struggling any more, and it made me think about when Emma learned how to ride her bike and how to swim this summer. Pretty random transition, I know, but that is how this brain has been functioning lately.
I tried all last summer and most of this summer to teach Emma how to swim with not even a little bit of success. Then, one day this summer, she jumped into the pool, not realizing she had forgotten to put her floaties back on, and BAM! All of a sudden she can swim. It was the same story with learning to ride a bike. We took off the training wheels, she crashed into a few garage doors and the back of a minivan, but then one time she got on and she didn't fall off.
Anyway, just in case anyone out there can see this as encouragement...A lot of times, when it looks like you are failing at something, you are actually getting closer to succeeding; you just can't see it yet.