Just look at that picture (I don't know anything about the book, this is about the image of Motherhood). No offense to the model, but when you see that picture it does not scream intelligence or education.
I was always a focused woman. Even in high school I was focused on my education. I swore off dating until college because I didn't want any distractions. I graduated from college when I was 21 and had a good job literally waiting for me as soon as I walked across that stage and grabbed that piece of paper. I worked in Radiology, from trauma to the OR, x-ray to CT, and I loved my job. I loved being a part of that team, and I was good at it. I asked questions and learned more every single day I was there.
And when my second child was born it coincided with my husband's military orders to move across the country. We made the decision together that it was time for me to try staying home with our kids. We didn't technically *need* the money. Yes, it's always handy and it could be put away for savings. But the greater need was for my children to have their mother present and involved and I am blessed that I have that opportunity.
It was a total identity change. I was prepared for that. I saw that coming. I knew it would be a different kind of challenge with a different kind of reward.
What I wasn't prepared for, what I didn't expect, was the reality of the public's perception of stay at home Moms. I think there is an unconscious stigma that we are uneducated and have a reduced IQ compared to working Moms.
How did I decide this? From the interactions I have with people now in comparison to the interactions that I had before. People that don't know my history put me off as someone who has nothing to contribute to any adult conversation. It is appalling. If I ever utter more than a 3 syllable word, it's as if a goat is suddenly speaking perfect English. And at first, it made me want to go ahead and tell people at first introduction, "I'm a stay at home Mom, but I used to ......." to try and combat that dummy hat they were about to put on me. I don't want to do that anymore! Why would you assume that my decision to stay at home with my kids was because I had no other option or because I have no education or legitimate career?
How did my change in work status suddenly reduce my IQ in your eyes?
I wasn't prepared for the public's perception of stay at home motherhood and was shocked by the reality of it in my environment. That was far worse than the identity change.
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Comments (59)
It doesn't in my eyes. I'm generally not one who looks at the postion the person has (not to indiate you have a 'low' position, I mean place in society) because I know total idiots from every field. I'm sorry you encountered so much prejudice :(.
I don't feel motherhood and staying home with the children changes a woman's IQ. I suppose some people feel that maybe mothers who stay home are considered less smart because they are home, taking care of children rather than working outside the home. I don't have children yet, but when I do, I really hope to be able to stay home with my children until my youngest is at least 5 and in school. There is no replacement care good enough for my future children. I value a parent being home to take care of their own children, to teach them all the basics of daily function and how to be responsible and compassionate as well as many other traits I hope my future children will possess. I mean, SOMEONE must take care of your children, I don't think there would be anyone better than you. Any person who feels homemakers are dumb clearly do not understand what she is trying to achieve.
I totally agree with this post. I feel all of the same things and have really struggled with it.
I know so many intelligent, driven stay-at-home-moms. Like, writing-and-publishing-books-on-history curriculums-smart. I've never perceived being a SHM as meaning anything concerning someone's intelligence. Maybe I've just been surrounded by good examples.
I'm not talking about the thought through response. I'm talking about the subconscious stereotype. The thing I must overcome in order to achieve relevance in another adult's consideration.
No one asks me my opinion anymore, or if I even have one.
@ShamrockLover@xanga - You get where I'm coming from. There is actually comfort in that.I can only speak as a working woman without kids at this point, but hoping to start a family soon. The massive identity change of motherhood scares the hell out of me, and I'm not looking forward to it. I don't know if I'll work or not. I think a hybrid would be nice, but I dunno.
One thing I've noticed about moms of babies/toddlers/preschoolers is that the ones I know are completely detached from conversation with intellectual content. I don't mean that as a criticism.
I just mean that I never go hang out with moms because they talk about poop, diapers, baby food, tupperware, breastfeeding, making their own granola, and a host of mom-related topics that don't interest me AT ALL.
I don't think they're less intelligent; I think their conversation is absolutely boring. And they have the right to discuss as many mom things as they want ... but I don't care to join in that.
I've had many, many women look at me in the middle of a conversation I'm having with some other human being about whatever -- philosophy, current politics, social justice, a recent scientific discovery, Latin grammar -- and the woman's face tells me that she thinks I'm speaking Chinese. And then she comments, without fail, "How are you SO SMART?! I just read kids books all day." And she walks off and strikes up a conversation with another mom about their kids' baseball team.
So .... I do NOT think there's any truth to the idea that SHM's have a lower IQ.
I DO think that some subset of the stay-home subculture (especially in religious circles) has blended motherhood with simple-mindedness and an unwillingness of moms to challenge themselves intellectually once they begin bearing children. And I wish that would change, for their sake. And apparently for yours.
@LoroJoro@xanga - I totally get that. I have been a career person all my life and didn't initially want kids. But then I married my husband at age 33 and because life changed, we decided together to have our son. I'm now 36 and he just turned 3. Before him, I couldn't imagine "mom's groups" or sitting around talking about diapers and all that stuff. But when your life changes and diapers, breastfeeding, birth, poop and all that stuff become your life, that's what you talk about. If you are a SAHM, that IS your life, at least of the first six months. It will always be part of your life, but more so then.
However, it doesn't mean that is all we're capable of talking about. Motherhood and raising our son is something I am very passionate about at this stage of my life. We are planning on homeschooling, so I am home with him for good. I'm happy about that, though.
I feel I have kept my identity - while my son and husband are the focus and priority in my life, I discovered I have a passion for quilting and sewing. I joined a local quilt guild, which had other moms, and I prefer that social life over regular mom's groups. From this, I found the drive and confidence to start my own business, which I'm not sure I would've found had I stayed in the corporate world with a safe and secure job and salary. I work from home when my son is asleep and as he gets older, he helps with small tasks.
I think it's all in what you make of it. There are numerous ways to keep your brain from turning to mush. And I do think some women get comfortable in the mom's groups where they talk about nothing other than kid stuff, but to each their own.
As for what society thinks, believe me, that's the least of my worries. The majority of our decisions are against the mainstream, so we're pretty used to it. My energy is not worth convincing someone I haven't turned stupid : )
My mom was a stay-at-home mom who had a master's degree, a side business, and homeschooled me until I went to college (where I graduated summa cum laude with a 4.0 GPA). I don't really think people treated her negatively. Maybe she would say differently, but from what I recall, she has always seemed brilliant and been treated that way by people who know her.
@DirtyAndShaken@xanga - I get what you're saying about your energy not being worth it. But I'll be damned if it doesn't hurt after so long being considered "the smart one" that everyone came to for anything intellectual or political or medical - to suddenly finding myself not only on the outskirts, but with their backs turned.
When I did not change.
@Pickwick12@xanga - I love hearing things like this!
@ShamrockLover@xanga - Thanks! My mom is my hero
I've never heard, nor seen that. I think parenting would be much less IQ-killing than my current job. After six months I told my dad I could feel my brain cells dying.
Those in the medical field are, by some people, seen as demi-gods of sorts, whereas nearly any female between the ages of 18 and 50 is capable of being a stay-at-home mom (note that I did not say a GOOD stay-at-home mom). It's not academically challenging to get pregnant. Realistically, I wouldn't be surprised if the average SAHM does have a lower IQ than the average person in the medical field. I don't think it's a matter of whether you work or not, so much as it is the fact that the position you previously held was one of high status.
I've had to acknowledge that I am not so great at the art of conversation as much as I used to be and I'm not always informed...probably because my kids are a disruption of my "getting informed" time or I have to interrupt conversations to stop my kids from doing something. I don't care if people want to hear my opinions during topical conversation but the change in identity is a hard one to deal with because it's a huge curve. I don't think most SAHM's are considered uneducated as much as they are considered uninformed because who has the time to stay on top of everything you used to even though you've added a husband, kids and loads of housework?
After a while of feeling pissy about other's reactions, I decided to work on redefining my values and who the "new me" was, because there is no denying it, I am a different person. Having kids changes you, even if you can't see it. I gradually came to the thought, Who the F*&^(K cares if I am assigned a dummy hat anyway? They're ignorant, don't know me and I don't want their conversation anyway.
@DirtyAndShaken@xanga - YAY for your comment! I agree completely that whether or not a SAHM's brain goes to mush is up to them. I am much wiser since I've had children and having them has inspired me to go back to college. Through my family, I've learned how to keep my priorities straight and to stop caring if other people think of me as smart, stupid, ugly, pretty. I no longer base my actions or moods on others reactions to me.
I didn't know about this stereotype. I can't say that I've ever thought that stay at home mom's had some sort of IQ deficiency. I think my only previous opinion on the subject has been that I don't think I could be a stay at home mom. I go into some serious bouts of depression when I'm not employed. It's bad for my writing. It's bad for me. I know it would be bad for any children that I might have.
I really haven't heard about this stigma. The idea that its old-fashioned is prevelant. I guess that's all that comes to mind.
I'm sorry to hear that you've been having difficultie with such a silly generalization on women who are always there to take care of their children.
No, especially if mom consciously educates her child, especially if she reads to the baby a lot. Reading to the baby and playing complicated music,jazz or classical or classical oriental music is good for the child and good for the mom and will improve mom's access to mom's mental capabilities. If mom reads to the baby and gets into the habit of following the print with her finger, even well before mom thinks the child is capable of noticing but continuing well up into school age, the child will learn to read naturally and early and mom can teach other things as well. Mom will at some point realize her child, at four or five, is way ahead of public school and will continue in homeschooling thus not subjecting her now superior child to the hopelessly inadequate waste of time that is public schooling. Conscientious stay at home moms are now the most important link to maintaining civilization.
Maybe I am the odd one out here...but I definitely think staying at home has numbed my brain a bit, or, say, temporarily lowered my IQ. It's like my brain has turned to mush. A lot of the teaching and interaction and homemaking is very much hind brain stuff...I don't have to spend a great amount of time thinking about it in order to get it done well.
That sounds terrible. I am a good mom. I teach my son age-appropriate things, I analyze his skill levels and responses and adjust my interactions to fit his level. I think about the most efficient way to buy groceries. I ponder new methods to keep my Houdini dog from running off when we are not home. I research how to get more vegetables out of my garden.
It's just not enough. I need problems that really stump me for a while in order to give my brain a workout...I guess that is why I really, truly, belong in the research field!
You aren't going to feel this way when your kiddies are grown. You may feel your I.Q. lowering, but theirs isn't. Rather than being with 30 other kids, they've got you, one on one, loving them like nobody else can, well, except gramma. That be me. I've never looked back and wished I'd not stayed home. I was only there full time for 6 years, then part time for 2, then back in full swing, and I hated the fact that I wanted to be home working and playing with them. I taught them both to read before school, basic math practices before school, and they could sit still and read at a fairly early age.This isn't to dis you gals who have to work. God knows money is tight, divorce is a reality, even early widowhood, so my hat's off to you. And your kids will love you just as much. But for the poster who felt her I.Q. lowering, you can schedule trips to the book store, find a group of some sort to join, something really enjoyable. I do remember meeting with other women to do things, and after my husband got home every day, I'd put on my walking shoes and go for a "me" time walk. By the age of 2, my kids could walk 1/2 to 1 mile with me. Or, if depression ever sets in, see a doctor, and consider working part time.
obviously you don't' know anything about the book.. Rosie Pope is not a model.. http://www.rosiepope.com
About the rest of it. .Honestly, I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. I love being a SAHM, and I have great kids.
I was also wondering what the picture/book had to do with the post. Rosie Pope is a ....um...business? for rich pregnant women. She hooks them up with whatever they need, and offers some pregnancy/parenting advice (she now has 2 kids, so of course, she's an expert). I've only seen her in that show about Brittini (or whatever her name is) and I think an episode of "Pregnant in Heels" or something...so that goes to show what her focus is---not exactly the same sort of SAHM as the average folk here.
It's like that for lots of people, not just stay-at-home-moms. There's always been a pervasive attitude that someone's job matches their skill level. If you're smart, you go out and get this career, and make this much money, and you prove your intelligence. I've been working food service since college, and kept the same job after graduation to save enough money to move. Except for my co-workers, everyone else treated me like I was an idiot, because there was no prestige to my job. I once said the words "technical difficulties" over a speaker, and a car full of teenagers laughed at me, because I was working the job their parents warned them they'd be stuck at if they didn't get good grades. I was the hired help, but because I had a brain I kept coming off as "rude" or "uppity".
@TracyKVM - @LadyGwenivere@xanga - My very first sentence in the whole article was that I did not know anything about this book. I also don't know who Rosie Pope is, nor do I watch "Pregnant in Heels" (I hate to judge a show by it's title, but really?).
I am a little miffed that of everything I wrote, that is what you focused on. The picture that I already said I didn't know anything about. Wanna know why I picked it? I picked it because whoever her PR people are, they decided it was a good picture to go with the title "Mommy IQ." So sure, I'll pick it too. It must represent a mother's IQ: prozac stare, clinging onto a stuffed animal, frozen smile.
I picked it because that is what Hollywood says represents motherhood and her IQ.
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - I've been thinking a lot about your comment. I think there may have been a whole lot of truth there for me to absorb.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - maybe you should look into the show before you criticize it?... Ive watched it a bit, and Rosie's role is kindof like a Doula. I think its a great picture to use, because she helps soon-to-be moms get ready to have a baby.. she also does a lot of work when it comes to showing parents what to expect. Knowing the show, I think the "Mommy IQ" has more to do with raising IQ about Mommy-hood and less about loosing your IQ when you become a mommy.
BTW I don't mean to be harsh or whatever, working on very little sleep and massive load of stress.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - I love the honesty! Kudos to you.