Saturday, 11 August 2012
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Friend's Labor and Delivery
My "BFF" of over ten years has asked that I be present (along with her husband and her mother) during the birth of her daughter. I happily agreed. I do not yet know her birth plan but intend to ask towards the end of November as she is due in December and her mind can change a few dozen times between now and then (or even the day of). I know that I will have to respect whatever decisions she makes (assuming she stays sane), even if they aren't the ones I would make for myself or for my child. I've looked into the hospital and I really like some of the things they do, so hopefully I won't have to bite my tongue much.
I know it's still a few months away, but I have some questions. What should I pack for myself? What, if anything, should I take for her and/or the baby? (I will ask her about taking my camera.) What should I expect? I already know to stay out of the way of the medical staff, but can you offer any advice, tips, suggestions?My other concern is a little more difficult. She got pregnant one week after I did. I miscarried. Again. This has been very difficult for me, but I am determined to be there for her during labor and delivery, as much as she wants me there. I've been angry and jealous, and I absolutely do not want those feelings to show up. If they do pop up, I certainly don't want to show them or convey any negativity. She's like a sister to me and I want her to have as good of an experience as she can, and I want my "niece" to be a healthy, happy baby.
What is the best way to deal with my own feelings when the time comes?
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About the Author
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- From: VampireOfSeduction@xanga
- Name: Rachael
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 1466 Comments: 0 17 View all posts by VampireOfSeduction@xanga
Comments (17)
@blonde13OOTY@xanga - I don't think it's weird at all. I think it's honest and I am really interested to see the responses.
I didn't personally want anyone but my husband with me in the delivery room, so I don't have any advice except stay above the knees. HAHAHA!
And as for the more sensitive part, I think you're right to focus on the baby herself. But I don't have experience here, and again, I'm really interested to read others' advice.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - I don't find it weird either, I find it very sweet. I was present for my friends sons birth and so I had to pack a bag. Wear light, loose clothing, it can get hot in there! Bring lots and lots of kleenex, you will cry, so will everyone else. I was allowed to bring my camera, take an extra battery and buy a large memory card, I took close to 400 pictures. I brought an icepack, I wrapped a damp washcloth around it so that when she needed it I had a cool cloth for my friends head. I also brought gum/mints/hard candies. Bring small change. Oh and make sure that the hospital has jello LOL.
As for the sensitive part, I can sort of relate, I cannot physically have children and I knew it was going to be hard at times during the birth, so I sat down with my friend a few weeks before her due date and explained that I couldn't be happier for her, but that because of my being infertile it felt hard at times, I told her that I wasn't trying to make her feel bad or sad or guilty, but that I wanted her to understand I may need a moment to myself@blonde13OOTY@xanga - Which part?
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - "Stay above the knees." Haha, that's my general hope, but I'm not squeamish so if I'm needed to hold a leg, I can help. lol
@Trueinnerbeauty@lovelyish - Thanks for the suggestions. I never would have thought about a cool washcloth. So far, she has been very understanding of my pain, and hasn't complained once to me about anything pregnancy-related. I'm so very grateful for that.
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - For real though, I remember when my sister had her first child, I swear people were in and out of that room and the stupid door was facing the foot of the bed. As in, when you walked in the room you got a peep show and a half.
I ended up helping her by manning that damn door. Other than that, I don't think I was any help at all.
If it isn't her first baby, things like coloring books and crayons are a help to bring to pass the time for kids. Actually, my adult family sat in the waiting room coloring while I was having my daughter. I still have the pictures they colored, too. It can get pretty boring waiting...and waiting.
You could definitely help by guarding the door. When I was finally having mine, my whole family kept trying to get in the room to see what was going on. My husband finally corralled them all in the waiting room and told them to fuck off, they could see the kid when it was out.
You can bring loose, breezy clothing for yourself and your friend. It gets hot in that room. You can wear whatever you like after it's over, but she'll still need something soft and loose for awhile. If she wears makeup, you can bring that for her too. I didn't have mine, and for the two days I was in the hospital I felt absolutely hideous. The baby won't need much. Just a long-sleeved onesie, a pair of soft pants and socks, and a thick blanket for that December air. Babies get hot just like adults do, so dress it how you would dress, so long as it's still able to be strapped in a car seat.
Also, the hospital won't let your friend and her baby leave unless her car seat is properly installed. If she doesn't have one, the hospital should provide her with one. Mine did, and they even put it in for me.What to expect... a lot of tears from yourself, momma, and dad. I think you've already started to cope with your own feelings by acknowledging that it may upset you to be in the room. I think it might not hurt to talk with your friend, your spouse, and maybe a therapist to further your healing progress. Labor and delivery is the most miraculous thing you will ever experience and being there with your friend may help to heal your still open wound.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - As far as I can tell from the on-line pictures, it looks like the rooms were set up for comfort and privacy more than easy access for the doctors. I have heard of hospitals where you end up giving a show to anyone who cares to walk by. I'd be furious. I'm not a modest person but me giving birth is not something I would want the whole world witnessing.
This is her first, but even she might enjoy a coloring book between contractions if it ends up being a long labor. Actually, the more I think about it, I really like that idea.
@chronic_masticator@xanga - The hospital has a policy of not allowing more than "partner plus two" in the room visiting. Of course, that doesn't mean people won't try to wander back to her room. That seems so invasive, though. I'm really glad to know about it being warm. I would have expected it to be cold, but I guess that makes sense from the baby's perspective.
Her mom should know how to install a car seat for sure, but if she doesn't, I do, though it's been a while. So somebody will get that figured out. haha
@SmilingSusie01@xanga - I know I will keep her updated between now and give her a heads up if I'm feeling particularly emotional, which I probably will be given my due date would have been 6 or 7 days before hers. Talking to my husband helps me sort through things, and he's usually good for when I need held. Therapists are a no go for me, though. I went to various ones for a couple years growing up and they never seemed any more useful than talking to a wall.
Start working out your upper body now! My mom and partner had to take turns holding one of my legs up in the air while I pushed!
Bring a tennis ball - that is the one thing I wished I had for back pain.
Also, some baby wipes, in case you get sweaty and smelly.
And make sure you don't eat anything stinky!
Continue working through your feelings, and as the time gets close, if you feel that you'll be an emotional basket case, tell your friend. In fact, I'd tell her now, since she seems clueless as to your situation. Completely and utterly clueless, and I guess that pisses me off a little because my heart goes out to you. If you go, as it's been said, take busy things, whatever you like, books, knitting, meditating, but whatever it is, make a plan because you could be there a long time. And in some weird way, maybe her allowing you to bond with the baby will help you heal. I know it sounds weird, but she may want you to play an active role in her child's life, and what greater compliment that than? And when the time comes for you to be pregnant again (?), you have a female friend who will have your child's back as well. I worked in newborn nursery for 5 years, during that time gave birth to my two children 34, and 36. No epidurals back then, all lamaze, and at one point, 16 hours into labor and fully dilated for over 2, I remember looking up and seeing the entire staff from the nursery that had just gotten off duty watching my, ahem, parts. They were drinking coffee and chatting up a storm. So one or two people in the room? Ah, piece of cake.
I second everything @chronic_masticator@xanga - said! I was there when my goddaughter was born and its pretty right on.. Also pack saltines and good bottled water.
I was only 16 when she was born, but I got to hold her first (birthmom refused to take her).. and that was a pretty incredible moment for me.
The other thing, take your cell phone, charger, and a list of people she wants you to call when baby comes.
and bring at least 2 boxes of tissues.
You'll be ok =)
I wouldn't agree to it. More power to you for agreeing.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - Can you explain the tennis ball?
@Pollypinks@xanga - Oh, no, my friend knows and has been very understanding. She quit sending me updates about prenatal visits and things like that as soon as I told her that while I'm happy for her, it was really hard for me. This was something she had said years ago, that she would want me in the room when she has children, and she recently told me that that hadn't changed. She didn't badger me or or anything, simply said that I'm still her best friend and she still would like me there, if I can handle it. I'm honored, actually. If it was her decision alone, my husband and I would probably be godparents. I don't know what her husband's stance is, though.
Oh my gosh, I guess it's "just another day in the office", but I think that would be so weird to be on display like that.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - Hm... I hope she has her husband or mom make calls. I am terrible on the phone. I get horribly nervous for some reason.
@SHEERROSE@xanga - I want to be there for her and for her baby. I haven't been very helpful or involved since my miscarriage, but I really want to be able to do this for her. I'm happy that she still wants me to be so much a part of her and her daughter's lives.
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - I know what you mean.. when he asked me to make the calls I laughed. =) If she does ask you to make them, I had a cheat sheet made up before I started calling.. It was basically "Hi Im calling on behalf of S, L had a baby girl...." then I rattled off her name, weight and that they were all doing well and that they'd be calling them when they were settled back at home (or something along those lines)... then moved on to the next call.
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - My baby was head down, but facing the wrong direction, so I had a lot of pain in my lower back. My partner ended up jamming his fists in my back all day, but the rolling action of a tennis ball would have been a nice change. It's just something about the counter pressure I think.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - Ever since I started giving the wrong phone number when calling about a job application, I write things down, even my own name.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - That's what I was thinking but I wanted to make sure since I'd never heard of that before.