I'm sure we've all heard the ''Stacey's mom has got it goin' on'' song a million or two times. As a new mom as well as a single mother, every chance I get I try to look as good as possible. But why is it that when you push a child out of your lady parts you're automatically thrown into the '"Ew-you're-a-mom-here's-a-turtle-neck'' category?
It seems like mothers who take care of their appearance and look good are categorized and stereotyped as sluts who don't care about their children. Of course my looks are no longer my first priority! But when I get the chance to do my hair & make-up, people tend to assume they are. I've never really understood it. You just pushed a 6+ lbs baby out of you, or were cut wide-open to get that lil' cutie out. You're a f!$#%ng super-hero! You have every damned right to want to look good!
I know I STILL struggle with postpartum depression a little (my daughter is 5 months old). You just don't feel so hot. You feel gross for that first 6 weeks when your cookah is gushing blood and torn or just looks like a massacre in general. You feel blah! I think that's even more of a reason to WEAR MAKE-UP OR DO WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD!
I know that many, many mothers are like me: you get SO wrapped up in your children that you practically forget that there even was a YOU. But when I do my make-up, or get my nails done, or whatever it is, I feel a hell of a lot better in general. So why should I be frowned upon for it? I bust my butt for my daughter! I am a single mom under 21 so people assume I'm out drinking, getting high, and pawning my baby off on others. The truth is - I haven't had a night out in
over a year (before I got pregnant). The most I do is work or go to the store WITH MY DAUGHTER because that's MY CHOICE, not because I am forced to.
No, I am NOT a stereotypical soccer mom, driving a mini-van, wearing a turtleneck sweater in the kitchen playing Betty friggen Crocker, and I cuss like a sailor and like tattoos. But why does that make me a bad mom?
What do you mamas think about America's idea of how a mother should look/think & act?
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Comments (25)
Have you really been made to feel like those things make you a bad mom?
That's lame. I agree with you.
That's interesting. I always admire women who can keep their children and themselves together, personally. I don't bash on women who aren't all dolled up, but I think it's nice when they can be.
IF their kid isn't looking terrible, that is. Something I saw a lot of among army wives was moms who clearly neglected their kids but just so happened to have the latest designer bag, nail art, etc. But you don't sound like one of those, so more power to you!
You know that movie My Idiot Brother? Well one of the sister's hair is described as "a science experiment" and "maybe you could look semi-fuckable."
That may be me....But I also live in a place where I am in the upper crust if I shower daily.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - Something about upper crust and possibly showering daily ... is gross. LOL!
Don't sell yourself short.I think society just needs to lay off. Moms who go out all dolled up and decked out get judged. Moms who look like they just rolled out of bed get judged. It doesn't seem to matter how a mother presents herself, she's going to have people judging her appearance no matter what. In society's eye, you're selfish if you look pristine and you're a slob if you are less put together. What bothers me most about this is the fact that moms are judged by those who have no idea what goes on in their homes. Nobody knows what our lives are like on a daily basis, so what right do they have to pass judgement? Maybe that mom at the store who looks like she just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine gets up extra early. Maybe the mom wearing sweat pants didn't have time to pull it together. Maybe neither of them do anything extra when it comes to their appearance and it's just a matter of personal preference.... I live in an area where it's all about designer jeans and handbags, long, flowing locks with highlights, high heels and big sunglasses. Sometimes I forget I'm in UT and not Hollywood.... Being a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal means I don't blend in. I have long hair, but don't want to spend an hour in the bathroom blowing it out and curling it, so it's either up in a ponytail, straightened, or scrunched to accentuate the natural waves. I wear makeup because I'm self conscious about my uneven skin tone. It makes me feel good to know I look put together, but I'm far from glamorous. Next to most of the women here, I look like a scrounge. I stopped caring about this a while ago because I started to notice it was affecting my self esteem in a negative way. I found a man who still loves me when the makeup is off, I'm wearing my "Mom jeans," and my hair is sitting in a messy heap on top of my head. I have 3 children who want nothing more than to be around me every minute of every day no matter how I look. I chose to stop worrying about how the rest of the world sees me and focus on how I see myself. I think as long as you're taking care of your children the best way you know how, nothing else should really be an issue.
I don't think that's true at all. I feel that some moms put that guilt on themselves because they feel that way, not that other people truly feel that way. If you're feeling self-conscious or are looking to see if anybody notices, then I have a feeling you are judging yourself and that there are probably negative feelings at work. And who knows, if you are judging other moms that way and stereotyping them, you end up boxing yourself in because you don't want to fit into the categories you've pegged as bad.
I dress pretty well and I don't feel bad about it all. I know several other moms who try to do so as well. And you know, I've gotten many compliments and no complaints. I do think there is a difference between dressing attractively and dressing...scantily. I think if a mom wore a bikini top and daisy dukes to the mall playground, yeah, I'd have a hard time not staring or judging. If she wasn't a mom, I'd still notice. If she was a 20 something, I'd notice. If the clothes you wear aren't appropriate for the occasion or fit you terribly, people might notice and that has nothing to do with being a mommy.
I think there's nothing wrong with married women looking hot for both their own happiness and their hubby ;D.
@Kuai_le1010@xanga - The picture in this article, what would you and your mom friends say about this mom? Because I think that a lot of snarky remarks would be likely heard. Whether from jealousy or judgement, who knows.
When I think she looks great. Her sense of style may not match JC Penny's catalogue, but I think that is the point of this blog. It's not necessarily about make-up and a hair dryer.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - Ha ha ha, snarky? She's outside at a park, why would that be bad? I like the rockabilly style, I think it's cute so I'm not sure where the JC Penney mention comes in. If it was winter, 30 degrees outside, I think it would get some stares or is it insanity to say that dressing completely inappropriately is going to draw attention?
Me saying I dress well does not equate expensive or to a certain stereotype. It means that I put on clothes I like that fit me and my style and that I know several other moms who are brave enough to do so as well, without worrying about judgement.
@Kuai_le1010@xanga - Maybe it's just here in the south then. I know it would be frowned upon everywhere I've lived. Even tattoos will get you a double take and once or twice over.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - I live in the South - Houston, TX... I have tattoos and a lot of my gal pals do too. Can't wait to get another one. You should move down here : )
@Kuai_le1010@xanga - I'm outside of Beaumont, Tx. I guess an hour and a half's drive makes a huge dif.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - Oh wow, you're close. I'm surprised they're so different. My first rockabilly experience was when I moved to Htown the first time, a few years ago. I've admired the look ever since.
There's everything here, just about. It's a huge melting pot. Even my church has people full of tats wearing scrubby stuff, to people who wear ties and suits and have their hair done just right.
I'm just gonna let my username speak for itself here.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - I only said it because last week I heard a tourist in the grocery store say, "it's like these people don't even brush their hair!" I wanted to tell them how excited I was when I moved in to a place with a real bathroom!
I have 5 kids ages 11-22 years old. You go girl! You're beautiful. Thank you for sharing. ♥
America's image of the ideal mom and the ideal family dynamic is askewed and unrealistic. Personally, I don't agree with the whole idea that we should rebuke our children for cursing because they're going to grow up surrounded by people who curse - whether they start at 10, 15, or 20, it matters not. Atticus Finch, fictional he may be, showed the greatest wisdom when he said, "She'll stop cursing when she realizes that it'll never bring her the attention she wants." (Not verbatim, it's much more eloquent in the book!). Besides, the most tempting rules to break are the ones most sternly enforced without reason.
That aside, it should depend entirely on the morales and lessons that you teach your children to measure how good a mother you are - not the superficial veneer that society believes is so important. Fuck society and fuck the people who look down on you with condescesion. Plenty of saintly parents have had devilish children and plenty of homeless children have focused on the important things, like their education, in order to write their rags-to-riches stories; one of my favorite authors is Frank McCourt who details on his ragged childhood and the hardship his mother endured.
It doesn't make you look like a bad mom.. Feelings of love and devotion towards a child have nothing to do with appearance. That's why I'm surprised you are trashing those of us who like to wear turtlenecks and dress in that manner. Whatever your comfort zone is, remember, someday your son will be a teenager, and might not appreciate his friends making comments about how his mother looks. It's not always about us..
I guess because I'm still young and no one I know has kids yet, but I always seen the hot mom issue as an issue the kid has, especially as they are a bit older. No girl wants their mom outstaging them and no boy wants his friend saying "dude, your mom is hot". So think of the (older) children haha.
I don't know why people would expect a woman to dress down because she just had a kid, especially if she is still young and worked hard to get her body back in shape after the pregnancy. My only guess is that people assume based on how you look that you live a certain way, still partying and what not. Or they are just stupid/jealous.
I'm not really sure what planet you're from, but you might have some preconceived notions about what others think of you because you might have had those opinions yourself once upon a time. I am a tattooed mom of 2 girls, soon 3 and I get compliments everywhere I go on how well behaved my children are. I'm usually pretty well put together, too. My tattoos are big and in your face, and I'm usually wearing a pretty low cut top and fitted jeans.
As far as cussing like a sailor...I have a potty mouth but I really keep that to a minimum around my children...it's just not something you should do around your kids . As long as your kids are as put together as you are, I see no issues here and most people really don't. It's all in your head.
Do you feel that way, or did you feel that way, about pretty moms? or moms that take care of themselves?
i don't think that way. I love being a cute, dare I say hot, mom.
Once you become a mom in America, you are no longer a woman and will be heavily criticized for everything from one person or another.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Bingo.