My mother-in-law is coming to visit on Saturday. I always get nervous. I still have some left over anger over the last time we saw each other. I saw her husband spank my nephew. He then said "You know that was an accident."
How is spanking a child an accident? It's not. It should never be somebody's reaction! I try everything else before spanking my child. I can't say that I've never spanked but I am extremely careful with it. It REALLY bothered me. My brother-in-law is fine with it though, so it's not my place to really say anything. I just know if any family member EVER laid their hands on Kadyn, some really rude words would fly. (At the least)
I don't see why people think it's ok for other people to discipline their children. I think that's parent's job ONLY. I can understand somebody besides me correcting Kadyn, and I'm fine with that. But physical discipline? No way. I'm afraid of letting her be alone with them because of this. Josh and I are both uneasy about it. I wouldn't even want anybody else to pop her hand. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. That's MY child, not theirs. I am raising her, not them. Discipline should be left up to Josh and I. Part of me wants to sit Josh's parents down and tell them that. I have already done so with my parents.
I'm so afraid of somebody treating my child badly. She's not old enough to tell me if something has happened or to defend herself. If I ever found out that something DID happen to her I would ruin somebody's day and feel extremely guilty for letting Kadyn be in that situation. It is my job to protect her. So for now, supervision is a MUST. The awkward part is when she says something about taking Kadyn somewhere alone. I used to brush it off and change the subject. The last time it came up I said that she was too young and I was uncomfortable with it. My mother-in-law actually got a little huffy puffy. I wondered if I was overreacting or being overprotective. I don't think I was.
What do you think? Should grandparents be allowed to spank?
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Comments (23)
If your rule is "no spanking" then they have no right to override that.
Are the grandparents allowed to spank any random person in public? If the answer is "no," why should they be allowed to spank your children?
I think grandparents should discipline however the parents discipline to keep consistency. With that being said, my husband and I have a hands off policy and have informed our moms. I grew up in a household with spanking so it's a big change for my mom, but she knows how we feel and supports that.
I think that you are allowed to voice your opinions and your rules. That being said, I feel like if your parents are helping raise your child--ie: my cousin stayed with our grandma while my aunt worked during the week--then you also need to understand they may have their own ways of discipline. They should respect your discipline, but you also have to respect that they're helping raise your child. Does that make sense?
Other than that, absolutely, they should respect what your ways of parenting are.
I'm with you on this. It should only be the parents. Go with your gut. If you're going to leave your child alone with them, give them clear instructions about what you consider acceptable. If they're not ok with it, don't leave your child with them. I'm so with you on your strong feelings about this. It's just too important to let it go.
Unfortunately, my grandparents were a major part of a lot of emotional pain I experienced growing up. I've forgiven and moved on, but I wish my parents had realized that they weren't suitable caretakers or else been more firm about what was acceptable treatment.
If I'm there, there is no need for anyone else to step into that role and discipline my child, whatever the method be. However, if I left my son for an overnight or any period of time at the grandparents (esp my parents since my brothers are still young) I would expect them to discipline him in the same manner they would my brothers, if necessary, be it spanking or whatever the consequence for his disobedience.
No way. I can't imagine a grandparent overstepping the parental boundaries. How bizarre! I was never spanked by anyone except my parents. My aunt once spanked my sister, and my mom got all wiggy on my aunt about it.
Nobody should be spanking anybody. Every study that's come out in the last 20 years has proved this. It takes zero thought to hit somebody, and much thought to carefully mete out discipline that will cause the child to think about his actions. No, grandparents have zero right to spank if you do not approve and do not do it at home. You should sit down with these people and work up a plan for mis-behavior. Charts with actions and what will be done for said actions. Implementing these kinds of things together can make for an extremely happy, well behaved child. I'm amazed these sets of behaviors haven't been taken care of.
It all depends on what you, as the parent, say they can do. You can explain the rules as to what you think is acceptable
before they watch your kids or just have a discussion way beforehand on how you feel about different types of discipline. It really helps for everybody to be on the
same page as far as punishment goes. If you find out that they disciplined your child in a way you didn't like, you do have the right to confront them.
I feel that the situation where the grandpa called the spanking an "accident" is weird. Giving a child a spanking is not the same as spilling milk. It seems pretty intentional. Although, I think I would have rather him give the child a pop on the butt than him screaming at the kid. I get tired of hearing how bad spanking is when screaming at a child is probably more emotionally damaging. A spanking can be done and over in a minute. Awful words spoken to a child can last a lifetime. My mom got in my 3 year old sons' face and screamed at him to stop and honestly, I think what she did was much worse.
@Kuai_le1010@xanga - I getting the feeling that the accident was more of a instant reaction. Like there was no thought involved. He saw the situation and just reacted to it. I'm not saying if that's right or wrong, but I think that's what he meant. I've done that, not with spanking, but reacted to something automatically and thinking afterward, "oh shit! I didn't really mean to do that...".
It depends on the role of the grandparent. For instance, my cousin's mother watches her kids while she is in college for the day. Since spanking is a form of discipline they use, the grandparents (acting as the parent often) are given permission to spank.
My mother-in-law spanked her own, but practically sheds tears if I smack either of my sons hands. I never have to feel like I don't trust her to hit them out of reaction rather than a collected decisive decision that a spanking is needed (which in our home is only used if out right rebellion is taking place). I doubt she would ever spank either of them. My concern however, is that no discipline takes place, but she is not a caregiver and really doesn't need to since I am there mostly with them.
My parents, I don't trust my mother to spank, she used to spank us out of anger. My father, I would trust him to, he was the type to sit us down, explain the reason we got a spanking first and then after it looked like he was going to cry, we would get our earned spankings. I also doubt he would ever have a reason to spank them since I am mostly around during their time together.
My children are only almost 2 and 3, so I'm sure as they get older and spend more alone time, overnight visits etc, this topic may come up and a discussion might be in order.
The only spanking instances that concern me are the aunts and uncles, especially since they don't have kids and still have yet to understand how difficult it is as a parent to spank your own. I had to tell my 21 year old sister, in a vague way, that I really don't like to spank my own kids and can't stand the thought of someone else doing it - this was after she smacked my sons hand. She got the drift =]
Grandparents should be talked to about the discipline methods in your home. You and your husband are the parents, therefore, you two have every right to discuss with your in laws what is and isn't appropriate in your home regarding your daughter's discipline. If they don't like it or agree with it, that's fine, but they must respect your choices. If you and your husband talk to them about this, you may not feel so uneasy about leaving your daughter alone with them. Remember, they love their son, you and their granddaughter, and I highly doubt they want to do anything to cause a problem.
We lived with my parents a few years ago, and the entire time, we felt on edge. My parents did not respect any of our choices regarding discipline for our then 2 year old daughter. Physical discipline is not a method we use, and my parents thought we were absolutely ridiculous. During the 3 months we lived there, my mother spanked my daughter once, popped her hands twice, and whipped her with a dish towel which ended up hitting my child right in the corner of her eye. Needless to say, I was beyond upset. My in laws, on the other hand, are great with our kids. They never overstep their boundaries and leave discipline up to us when we're there. When we leave the kids with them, we feel confident knowing our discipline methods will be used in our absence. I hope your in laws are more understanding than my parents!
If you've said that you don't allow spanking, then it's not okay.
I do allow my grandmother to spank my son. She rarely does it, and only as a last resort, same as I do. But there are times that he just doesn't respond to anything else besides physical discipline.
My father physically abused me as a child so I never left my daughter alone with my parents. Ever. So, I didn't have to worry.
I wouldn't be ok with Grandparents spanking. When I was a kid, I remember feeling not only incensed when my Grandmom spanked me, but I also felt violated.
It probably depends on the relationship. I saw my Grandparents a few times a year. We weren't that close. If you live close to each other and see each other often and they have a great influence in your children's lives, then I can see them having more involvement in discipline as well.
one time i showed my cousin my bellybutton when we were like, 7, and she got mad and told her mom (my aunt) and i had to sit on the couch for four hours with no tv or games or toys. not the same thing but it seemed like anytime i was left with her, weird shit happened.
but honestly, i don't think physical violence is a good way to teach kids. at all. i know this won't change some people's minds but i just think kids who are brought up in abusive households or just households where even spanking was used, they're more likely to be violent.I once went back east and lived with my sister and her family for awhile. The point was for me to find a job there, since it was supposed to be easier than in CA where I was at the time. I was told that when I was watching the kids, while my sister and her husband were gone, then I was allowed to spank. even though I had permission, I never did. Honestly, I love my nieces and nephews to death. If anyone harmed them, I would sell anything I could to get the money to fly back there and beat the person up. I don't have an issue with spanking, and I think for some it works. I just couldn't do it. I was there for three months, and just could not bring myself to do it. I did other things, and sometimes my sister would spank when she got home. I just never did.
Okay all of this just seems so weird to me. My first thought is wow you really don't come from a family mentality. If people are helping you raise your kids you should be thankful first of all. Secondly I do agree that everyone needs to be on the same page, but honestly it seems like you can't trust your in-laws then don't leave them alone with them. It just seems like your mad at your in-laws more than anything.
I don't have children, but I assume that the way I raise my children is going to be very similar to the way my parents raised me. They didn't spank, and I don't plan on spanking, either, so it's a little different than the scenario you propose, but I would trust their judgment (and share with them beforehand current strategies we might be implementing for discipline at the time) and would definitely allow them to discipline and enforce rules in their own home. Whether anyone chooses to spank or not, it's important that there's consistency, otherwise the child might get confused. If you're uncomfortable with your in-laws' judgment or sense of discipline, don't leave your kids with them.
I think it all boils down to the PARENTS of the child and their wishes. If they tell the grandparents that they can spank the child if he's acting up, then so be it, it's nobody elses business.
But I DO NOT think it is okay for grandparents to spank the children without permission from the childs parents first.
I agree with others that said it depends on the role of the grandparents.
I saw my maternal grand parents every. single. day. so really they were another "mother and father" not just grandma and grandpa. they had to be allowed to discipline me otherwise there would be only chaos. however they worked with my mom about discipline and were a team. i only saw my other set a few times a year, so they didn't need to.Now with my son, i trust both grandma's to discipline him like i would.
@SHEERROSE@xanga - They have seen my daughter 3 times in her life. She is 2 years old and hardly knows them.. Yet they want to discipline her for any SMALL thing she does. I am VERY family oriented. Thank you.