It began with something ordinary. My husband and I took our two children, Ava (who is a 6 year old girl) and Isaiah (a 3 year old boy) to an indoor Bounce Zone to play. Ava saw another little girl around her age and the two of them became fast friends. They played, they held hands, they ran around together. Until her mother noticed. She made a beeline to her daughter, took her by the hand, led her away from Ava and told her she couldn't play with her. She wasn't allowed to play with my daughter.
I stood in shocked silence as I listened to the rest of the conversation. She told her daughter she was supposed to play with another little girl instead. A little girl who incidentally looked just like she did. You see, my children are of a mixed lineage. I am white, my husband is black.
I was totally dumbfounded hearing this. I couldn't believe it. It was like I heard what she said but my brain rejected the information and spit it back out because it was crazy. Is it possible there was another reason that her daughter wasn't "allowed" to play with mine? Maybe. But that isn't what my strong gut feelings were telling me about the situation. Through conversation since then with other women, I realize that there also were non-verbal cues that also caused me to come to this conclusion. It was the body language, the way she said what she did. The way she purposely was never looking at me, never making eye contact. She always had her cheek turned away. She took her daughter physically away from mine, placed her next to an "approved" friend, and sat back down.
A few minutes later the little girl brought her approved friend over to Ava. The three of them began playing. The mother noticed of course. She again made path straight to her daughter and this time addressed all 3 girls including mine. I wasn't quite close enough to hear the majority of it, so I was only able to watch. Right after, I asked Ava what happened. Here is my 6 year old's interpretation of what this mother said: "She said she couldn't play with me anymore. She was bossy to me, too. I felt uncomfortable around her. I don't know her. I don't even know her name or where she lives, she shouldn't be bossing me around. She was mean. I should have told her to stop being so mean to me."
My heart breaks for Ava. Her intuition also clearly told her that this woman was uncommonly bad, she was uncomfortable for a reason. And this brings up another important issue: Allowing our kids to feel and to learn their intuition, their gut-feeling, their inner protective voice. I was unfortunately taught to suppress mine, and in my early 20's I learned the hard way that our intuition should not be overruled or second-guessed by our reasoning.
It wasn't really my mother's fault, I don't blame her. It happened over the course of my childhood and adolescence. From teachers disbelief about threats I had received from "scary boys" in the first grade, to a minister who told me I had "trust issues" with men and that it meant I needed to feel uncomfortable in order to learn it was ok - while he hugged me with an erection. All of that bulls*** poisoned my mind against myself, and it wasn't until years later, after much worse had happened, that I learned the crucial value of intuition. If I can help it, I won't let this be my daughter's story.
And so, when she tells me that a grown up, or anyone for that matter, makes her feel uncomfortable it is a big deal that neither one of us will ignore. She knows she should come and tell me or Daddy and that we will always believe and protect her. Because I will, dammit.
The main reason I did not physically step in when the mother took her daughter away the second time is because my gut feeling told me she was the type who would pick a physical fight in a moment's notice. That is not good or healthy for anyone. If my daughter's safety were in question, it would have been a different thing, but this was a fight I couldn't win. A fight against prejudice. But my daughter will know that the villain in this is the girl's mother, it is not because of Ava or anything she did or anything that she is. She is a beautiful, kind, smart little girl. She will always know it.
Please don't teach your children to suppress their instincts in the interest of being polite. It they feel uncomfortable, let them feel it, don't force them to override that feeling and do something like hug a creepy relative or talk to a neighbor they don't want to. It does so much harm! It is not innocent, it is not minor. It is a big deal.
Have you ever experienced anything like this on the playground? What can we do to teach our children how to listen to their intuition?
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Comments (40)
I sorta know how ya feel...but it was from a kid. The first time I ever dealt with any kind of racism was when I was a little (white) girl, on the playground, a little (black) girl told me to "Go away, I don't like white people". Seriously.
I feel so bad for your little girl, and for the other girls involved. To be singled out when she didn't do anything wrong, for something she can't help, when to the average 6-year-old, the very idea of racism is a totally foreign concept is just awful!
But she is a lucky child to have parents who teach her to follow her intuition. And thankfully, in this era of history, incidents like those will be way less common than they might have been for her grandparents and great-grandparents at her age. I just look forward to the day when they never happen to anyone.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - Honestly? It made me wary of black people. And when people around me showed a negative bias toward blacks, I sympathized. That's how it works, I'm afraid.
I don't have any children of my own but I have a 7 year old nephew that I'm very protective of. He's mixed as well his father being Dominican and his mother, my sister, black. I get hesitant when we go places where there other kids and he plays with kids of other races, mostly white children. It's not the kids it's their parents that get me alert. I watch their mothers/fathers to gauge a reaction from them because I know how people can be. I know it's kind of silly but when I read stories like this it really makes me nervous. I never want him to endure what your daughter had to endure. My nephew is very outgoing and is almost always the one to approach another kid to play with them. I know I can't protect him from it all but I will do what I can to protect him from it while he's still young and doesn't understand the irrational hate some people have.
that is so sad.
It is really messed up when children have to deal with racism. How do you explain to a child why someone's mom or dad won't let them play with her? Then you have @NightCometh@xanga's situation where it is from another child. How do you explain that child's behavior to a child? It changes things for them and how they see the world.
I grew up on military bases where I was around children of different races, a lot biracial, and until we learned about Martin Luther King, I had no idea people cared about that kind of stuff.
@Digital_Angel21@xanga - I had no real idea it did, either until I was an adult. I also sort of naively thought it was a thing of the past for the most past until I was married and very, very pregnant with our first child when we were refused a seat at a 75% empty barbecue restaurant at 1pm for no apparent reason. "We have no table for you." Major emphasis on you. I had never seen it or experienced it in real life prior to that.
I would have confronted the mother! Noone has the right to tell their kids who they can play with on the playground! Maybe its just me but i would have made a scence and made her look like the racist idiot she is! I truly thought racism was dead untill my 20th birthday when me and my now husband went to virgina beach on vacation. I was rincing off using the shower, on the opposite side of the shower end of the pipe was a spout for cleaning your feet. Some people apprached and i turned off the shower so i wouldnt splash them, an Afican American man turned on the foot spout and began rincing his feet, a white man came running up and stuck his feet in and said sorry man i should go first gotta get this sand off. Then had the audacity to pat the guy on the back before walking away. I was in total shock and could move or say anything i was just boiling inside i wanted to scream at the guy and punch him in the face. What right does any person have to treat another like that, some of us may look differnt of the outside but we are all the same inside! After a couple minutes the other guy was gone he ran down the boardwalk and i look at the African American guy and just said im so sorry some people are just worthless. He just smiled at me and walked away. I can tell you one thing i will never hesitate again i have seen it and my eyes are open to it now.
This breaks my heart =(... I grew up with a half black sister from a previous relationship my mom had (my sister was 16 when I was born), and so I never had any idea about racism until I got into middle school and noticed my black friends stopped hanging out with me because we all were apparently suppose to only be close friends with our own race. =( Luckily, even when I was little, when I told people "This is my big sissy" they never made any mean remarks or questioned it. I can't believe this mentality still exists! Good for you for trusting your daughter's feelings, too <3
My heart goes out to your little girl. Such a horrible thing to come across at such a young age. It's the time when acceptance should be built into our children and respect even for those who are not like us or do not agree with us. Thankfully I have never come across this and neither have my children but I am sure that it's bound to happen. Just have to remind the children that it is not their fault, some people just aren't as respectful, accepting, or even CIVIL with people of a different race or mixed races. =/
The only thing that I avoid is when I go out and there are parents who allow their children to run muck and do whatever they please and their kids try to get my kids to tag along with them in their endeavors. Not in a way that the children are trying to get mine into trouble or purposely lead them astray but just because the other parents aren't watching their children doesn't mean that I have to follow suit. This is something that my kiddos have a hard time understanding and I have gotten dirty looks from other parents when I don't allow my children to break the rules of wherever we are.
Your story actually made me tear up. How awful for your sweet, innocent little one to come face to face with such prejudice! I also feel bad for the other little girl because she's going to be taught the same intolerance (hopefully she doesn't get jumped later in life). I commend you for not only listening to your daughter, but for giving her the opportunity to draw her own conclusions and trusting her feelings. Adults so frequently disregard what a child is saying or feeling, and whether it's intentional or not, this kind of behabvior can be so detrimental to the child. I think it's so sad when children second guess themselves after their parent or other trusted adult makes light of a situation or refuses to listen.
I have never come in contact with a racial situation, but here in UT we often face a problem that is somewhat similar. The dominant religion in our state is LDS (Mormon). It seems a lot of parents who are members of this religion encourage, and often times, force their children to play with other LDS children. We are LDS, and have never even considered trying to pick and choose who our children are allowed to play with (unless there is a bully on the playground or whatnot). I often notice another problem here in our apartment complex with prejudice that may not be directly linked to the religion (everyone here is in the same ward meaning we all go to the same church building at the same time and attend the same classes, so the other mothers know our family is LDS). There is a group of mothers who hang out and socialize when their kids are playing outside. They actually remind me of the cliques in high school: Very exclusive, secretive, and judgemental. If you're not a member already (and it's completely unknown to me how someone becomes a member), you're S.O.L. This group of mothers only allow their children to play with the children belonging to fellow members of the group. Since I'm not in their little club, they somewhat secretly discourage their children from playing with mine by telling them to play on the grass if mine are on the playground or whatever. What bothers me most about this is the way it affects my oldest child who is going on 6 years old. She has noticed the little girls who live upstairs aren't supposed to play with her, and I remember having to tell her one afternoon (loudly enough for the mommy club to hear me) that there is nothing wrong with her. She is beautiful and smart and fun and sweet, and there are plenty of other girls in our area who love having her as a playmate. Another thing that bothers me about this situation is the fact that one of the women in that group not only lives just upstairs from us, she's also my daughter's Sunday School teacher.... I know this prejudice has nothing to do with our children, it's because my husband and I are not well liked around here. We somewhat keep to ourselves, and I guess that's a huge issue around here....
I think the best way to teach a child to trust their gut is to ask them open ended questions about situations they are in and then believe in them and take what they say seriously. I think one of the most destructive things a parent can do is disregard what their children are telling them and/or force them to do things that make them feel bad inside.
I agree so much with everything you have said in this post. you sound like an amazing mother.
@NightCometh@xanga - My sisters have been bullied recently by this girl. Although she hasn't made any racist remarks (that I know about) about them, just name calling, she did tell this little kindergarden girl (this girl is going into 6th grade now I believe) that she is a white trash bitch.. Made her cry. This was coming from a black person.. One time when I was in highschool a girl told me that I better watch myself because I am a white girl on a basketball team (coming from a native). Then there was the time I was told, that since I am white, I cannot experience racism... o.O Anyone can be a racist to anyone... It's a sad reality and people need to just be accepting of everyone around them, but sadly... It'll never happen :(
Why can't we live in a world where race does not matter? Why does it have to be the FIRST THING we see in someone. We always see their differences first then their humanity. If we do allow ourselves to see their humanity that is. It seems that people unconsciously exclude others who do not fit their perceptions of the world. We think we feel more comfortable around people who look, act, and talk like us. We want the world to reflect what we think is true. We will fight tooth, nail, and blood to make sure this happens. We are careless when it comes to other people's feelings or hearts. This is what happened to you that day. I cannot believe the mother could pour out so much garbage in front of kids. It's heartbreaking and disrespectful on her part. I hope she apologizes to you and everybody she offended. I pray she wakes up and realizes the awfulness of what she has done. She needs to change soon. Otherwise her universe is going to be one black hole.
it's unfortunate that racism still exists today.
@MommaFish89@xanga - I do the same thing with my kids! I often have to tell them: "No, you can't (insert activity) just because everyone else is doing it." My kids have a hard time understanding this too, and it irks me when I see other kids doing things they're not supposed to and nobody is stopping them because I look like the bad guy to my own kids and the other parents just stare at me.
You are a much better woman than I, because I do not think I could have resisted letting my redneck side come out and shown my ass. How can anyone do that to a child? smh. You sound like a very good mom.
Wow, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say.
Honestly, as a kid, I always thought racism was something that people had "grown out of", except for some of the grandparents. (For the record, my grandfather had an understandable reason. Not that I agree with him, but I understood him a little.) Maybe that's because I grew up in a white town, that I thought race wasn't an issue to anyone else? I don't know. I mean, a teacher threw a fit when she found out that the Korean kid's friends referred to him as "Egg Roll", but there was definitely no malicious intent in it, and we (his classmates) were eager for him to teach us some of his parents' language.
@VampireOfSeduction@xanga - I remember comments from my granddad when I was a kid, too. Like he had road rage at someone once when I was around my daughter's age and he called someone a "cotton-picking yo-yo." And I know he, at least for a time, had issues with Japanese people which stemmed from his service during WWII. But other than that, I don't remember being exposed to racism at all. It was a shocker to me as an adult.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - Mostly it was the fact that he wouldn't claim his one granddaughter after she had a biracial son. Of course, her having four biracial children from three dead-beat dad black men didn't help the matter. I'm so non-military and I don't know the right words to use, but when he served, there was a black... uh... group... that was supposed to run ammunition to those up at the front. They weren't doing their job so those fighting kept running out of ammo.
As for my parents, their only concern would have been if one of us had chosen a partner of a different race, their worry would have been for any biracial children. I thought their fears were silly because "nobody cares about that stuff anymore" but apparently I was mistaken. Never underestimate the power of ignorance, I guess.
I hate it when parents put their own stupid prejudices on innocent children.
We had it a couple weeks ago at a splash pad.. there was a black guy and his 2 kids there and the boys were so mean to my son. they were calling him names and being awful and rude.. In the van on the way home my son said "Mommy I don't like those kids with the other colour skin. they were not nice to me. I dont like playing with those kinds of kids".. and it made me sick to my stomach. I told him that its ok if he didn't want to play with those boys, but just because they were mean it doesn't mean that every child thats a different colour will be. And that we cannot judge every child by the way those 2 boys were. I never want my kids to think differently of other races, we have always taught him that skin colour doesnt matter because Jesus loves us all and inside we are all the same.. Ive also told him that skin colour doesn't mean anything because its the way a person is inside in their hearts that matters.. but he is almost 5 and the only kids that have ever been so mean to him have been of a different race.. i was worried that it has scarred him...
This this week we were at a playdate with some friends and this adorable little girl came up and asked my son to play. The 2 of them spend 45min playing with all the other kids. On the way home he said to me "Momma that girl that has the other colour skin was really nice! that makes me happy cause she wasnt mean like the 2 boys who looked like her. She looked like them but her heart was nice!"
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - I love your response to your children so much. I don't think you have to worry about the bad experiences scarring your kids - because the way you redirected their thought process after the bad experience was so positive.