Thursday, 05 July 2012
My first miscarriage happened at almost 16 weeks, on January 29th 2010, I had just taken a pregnancy test 4 days before and confirmed I was in fact pregnant. We hadn't been married a year and I was ecstatic that we would finally have a family. That was until I started spotting and then ended up at the ER bleeding profusely. No one there believed I miscarried - it took 2 days and my ob/gyn to confirm it. It rocked my world, I still miss "her" because we thought it was a girl her name would've been Aleyah Faith. I had to wait a while to try again, and in trying again, I would lose again.
We had just moved to West Virginia, I knew I was pregnant, faint line once again. My problem, which runs in my family, is negative blood tests. I was almost 8 weeks, I wasn't nearly as sick as I was the first time with my first baby, we called this one Peanut. I craved mint chocolate chip ice cream with butterscotch topping. At the doctor's office they ran a myriad of bloodwork, and when it came back it was negative. The reason, I had lost the baby 2 hours after coming home from the doctors office. I was looking forward to our new life with a new baby.
Christmastime 2011, sick again, strange cravings for Zaxby's and their special sauce. I had missed 3 almost 4 periods in a row, rare for me even with endometriosis and the depot lupron shot which was definitely out of my system by then my doctor in West Virginia cleared me right before we moved to start trying again. The beginning of January my pants stopped fitting and I started wearing maternity pants. Then just like with my first one around 12-13 weeks I felt a fluttering in my stomach. I told my husband and it just kept continuing. I called a new doctor recommended by a friend from church, this time the pregnancy test was negative but I felt the same exact symptoms of my first pregnancy and I knew I was at least 12 weeks along, the cravings, the nausea the weight gain it was all too familiar.
The doctor was mean to me, he felt my stomach and said "I feel something moving..but you can't be pregnant. Your last shot was in May and it's January..." I said, you felt that? He said "yes" and I asked can we have an ultrasound done, I have a family history of testing negative and being pregnant. My first cousin has a beautiful girl that the doctor said she wasn't pregnant, it does happen. He still didn't believe me. He wanted me to take a cocktail of drugs to start my period by then I had missed 4 periods and I was on my way to missing #5.
Ten days later, around the same time as the first 2 years earlier, I started spotting, and hurting, and then the old familiar pain that comes with losing yet another baby. The nausea stopped, the faint fluttering stopped and the weight stabilized, my back stopped hurting and I could walk normally again. The doctor was wrong, I was pregnant and I had just had miscarriage #3.
I can say that it gets easier because it does, but there is a certain feeling I get when I see someone who has no complications in conceiving and carrying to term when I can't seem to make it past 14-16 weeks. My husband and I are scared to try again when all we see is me losing. I've been told it's all in my head I really didn't miscarry, there's no way someone can lose 3 babies in a row, I'm addicted to being pregnant, which I'm not. I want a family, like most women I know. I've been married three years and it does affect us, especially me, because I want to see my husband's genes in our baby, whether it inherits my dark hair, or my husbands strong will.
Adoption is still on the table, we are planning on that if I cannot get pregnant again.
We are trying again, and I pray it works out.