Tuesday, 26 June 2012
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Foster/Adopt Orientation
We've been considering fostering and adoption for the past year, I think even before we started any fertility treatments. We wanted to do the treatments first. I don't feel that makes us selfish, it was just the logical next step. Over a year later and still no baby with the possibility of never having one, we haven't forgotten about fostering...Something told me to look at our state's CYFD website late last week. I used to occasionally check the status of some of the children, but I put the idea out of my head to focus on the treatments... Until I saw that our county was having an orientation on fostering/adoption. We saw no harm in getting more information even if it's something we wouldn't immediately do.
When we got there they had snacks and 1 other single woman waiting. We introduced ourselves to her and waited. Luckily the woman running the orientation was also running a bit late so it didn't matter that we were too... The social worker was very friendly and we felt so comfortable with her. I actually felt more comfortable being in that conference room than I EVER felt in our fertility clinic. Maybe it was because I knew my vagina wouldn't be the main focus though...? Something about it all just clicked last night!
I did break down when asked what brought us there and made us want to become foster parents. I started saying "We've been married for almost 4 years and..." I had to hold back tears, I couldn't continue. I can't talk about our infertility without crying. It's too hard, it all still feels too fresh. Ryan explained our infertility and desire to become parents, we've never forgotten I don't have to physically have a baby to be a mother... We asked questions, she told us awful stories, and explained our options. She suggested the 3 of us at the meeting foster before adopting from the state. We're more interested in fostering at this point anyway, but I'd love the option to adopt eventually.
The awesome thing about all this, which I didn't know before, was that it's all FREE. We would even be paid monthly by the state to cover the care for the child(ren)! I don't care if I'm given a single penny, I guarantee these kids will help ME more than they'll ever know and if I can help them that's even better! Hell at this point I'd probably pay the state money for letting me finally have children in my home!We left the orientation feeling good, but still undecided! We talked about it the entire way home. We don't have a lot of time to make our decision since only 1 training class is done in our county each year. We would have to turn in our application in the next week, training classes start July 10th and are every Tuesday and Thursday, and our home study will take about 4 months. She said we could potentially have a child in our home by the end of the year! How crazy is that?! We have a lot to think about and consider!
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About the Author
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- From: socialite_baby@xanga
- About Me: I've been married to the love of my life since September 15, 2008. We started TTC a few months before that in April 2008. I had a laparoscopy on April 27, 2010 that confirmed what I expected, stage 2 endometriosis on my uterus. We've done 7 rounds of Clomid, 2 Femara, 1 Follistim, and 4 IUIs, all ended with BFNs. I was diagnosed with activated natural killer cells in May 2012 that prevent implantation and because of them we were told we'll never conceive naturally... Feel free to add me as a friend... I love meeting other couples TTC! :)
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Comments (19)
My husband and I have been TTC for 8 years.. I havent been able to bring myself to go to the Dr because I don't want to be told its never gonna happen.
We have been foster parents for 4.5 years, and this past March we adopted our son... we are waiting to adopt the little girl in our care...
Fostering is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but its also the most rewarding. Be ready to get your heart broken, fall in love more times then you can count, and be stretched and tested more then you ever thought possible.
I LOVE being a foster mum... We have had 11 amazing children through our home.
And I would do it all again in a second =)
Just whatever you do, remember that as foster parents you are professionals, you will need to have professional relationships with the child's case workers, therapist, doctors, the bio parents, grandparents, siblings, etc - many of these kids have a whole team of professionals and family members invested in their care. It often gets sticky and emotions will run high. There will be case workers who you can't stand, there will be obnoxious parents belittling you, and you will constantly be asking, "who are you and how are you related to this child's welfare?" Above all you just have to remember that it is about the child and that sometimes you, the foster family, are not the right option for the child at that time. Sometimes they need to go back home, or need a family with different personalities and dynamics, or need a more restrictive setting.
In my experience, the kids are usually pretty easy to get along with, but the rest of the people in their lives are what makes it hard!
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost a year now. We are now trying to decide if we want to start fertility treatments or go the adoption/foster route. My husband is leaning more towards fertility treatments, but I think I'm leaning more towards fostering for a while. He thinks it's giving up on us having a child of our own, but I don't think of it that way. I think we can help children while still trying to get pregnant naturally.
Hard stuff.
I love this, I really do! My husband and I have 3 children, but have been experiencing a lot of trouble while trying to conceive a 4th. I've always wanted to have a big family, and have been slowly attempting to convince my husband that foster care (even without adoption) could work for us at some point. My heart bleeds for children in bad situations, and I can't even hear stories about them without bursting into tears. I commend you and your husband for what you are considering. It sounds like the two of you have a lot of love to give.
Have you given any thought, or are you aware of the C.A.S.A/G.A.L. program? CASA and GAL are the same thing, just called different things in different states. CASA is Court Appointed Special Advocate. and GAL is Guardian Ad Litem. Basically, there is a kid in foster care, and you are appointed by the state, to talk to everyone involved in the care of the child, included the child him/herself and then go to court and advocate on behalf of the child and tell the court what you think should happen with the kid.
It is different from foster or adoption as in most cases you never take the child home. But for some people, since you only work part time around 20 hours a week or so, it gives you a glimpse into foster care/ the court system/and the family dynamic of the kids in foster care. so that you can decide if you can put up with all of the idiots. If you go into foster care, and you decide there are too many idiots, then you have to give the kid back. but with CASA/GAL you just simple ask to be assigned a new case, or since you are an unpaid volunteer you just simply quit.
www.nationalcasa.org is the website of a group that handles both the CASA and the GAL program based on which state you are in.
Don't worry about training and such, they are more than happy to train you, there are too many kids that need an advocate, that they don't want to lose one because the volunteer was not trained and could not handle it.
Any reasons as to not jumping into the adoption process? My brother and his wife applied to adopt 23 years ago, with an open adoption in mind. Within one week a young teen was writing to them, and over the time of her pregnancy they bonded. When the baby was 17 hours old, they brought her home, and the rest is history. Bio family attended all import an events in the child's life, college graduation, and wedding, and at her wedding she gave a speech of thanks and joy to her bio mother for having the courage to do what she did. Not a dry eye in the place. Yes, I know bad things can happen as well, but we also had a friend at church who had adopted two children, and it was most definitely for the betterment of those little ones.
@Pollypinks@xanga - Adoption can be extremely expensive. I've been looking into it (only casually at this point) myself. Although there is a free adoption day once a year, or so I've been told.
I take it back, I was misinformed. That's what I get for listening to word of mouth rather than researching for myself first.
There is a national adoption day, but it is not a "free" adoption day (like I see you have with pets, yikes, sorry about the comparison). And costs for adoptions vary by state and method. Sorry for initially misinforming based on what someone told me.
I had to clear that up.
You might as well sign up for the class. If you choose to not foster or adopt, you don't lose out on much. If you do choose to foster or adopt, and you don't take the class, you miss out on it all.
We are in the very very very beginning stages of adopting. We had thought about doing foster care first but honestly I don't think I can have that professional relationship with a child. I just can't. I would fall in love and never want to lose the child[ren]. So we've done some waiting and praying and feel led to adopt. Good luck with your new adventure!!!
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - I know in my state if you go through the state and adopt a special needs foster care child the state covers all the cost and that there are a lot of grants for foster care children whom are not specified as special needs.
We adopted through the foster system, and it didn't cost us a penny. But I guess thats the benefit of living in Canada.. We also get a very generous tax free subsidy from the government to help me be a stay at home mum...
I also want to comment about getting attached to the babies.. You have to get attached to them, its vital for healthy growth and development. Yes, it will tear your heart out when they move on or go home, but you will heal and before you know it you will be doing it all over again.
I know many couples who are straight adopting parents through the foster system, and they have only had children placed with them that will most likely become adoptable.. 4 of those couples have adopted 4++ children, all at no cost (financial) to them.
@mommalosingit@xanga - Ive been a fostermum to 11 children, and i have treated every one of them like they are my own. With fostering the ultimate goal should not be adoption, it should be to care for and love on that child until they can go home again. We became foster parents to help families, but we are blessed to be able to adopt 1 (waiting on #2) of the little ones we've had.
@Pollypinks@xanga - It was just suggested by the social worker at the orientation to foster first to get an idea of the issues the children could come to us with. She said we could go straight to adoption, but that if we wanted a newborn with mild to minimal issues (like zero drugs in his/her system at birth, no birth defects, etc) we would be on the wait list for 5-6 years. The state/county would help pay for the attorney fees and we would be reimbursed for some of the expenses, but she said it wouldn't be free, just less expensive than a private adoption agency. It's still something we're considering, we're open to any and all options! :)
I sure don't claim to be an expert on adoption, but I know my brother and his wife went through our state's social services department to get their sweet girl. I've never asked him the cost, but I know they did not do in vitro because they didn't have the money. They did spend money one year to have sister-in-law's tubes blown out, as they were scarred from pelvic disease, and that put them back financially for a year's worth of savings. They did tell me at the time of the baby's adoption that if they' known how easy it would be to bond, and how the cost would not compare to fertilization procedures, that they would have done it first. The desire to have your own must be terribly intense. I have two of my own, and know only that end of the situation. But, if you really want to be a mother, and really want to have a child, I'm not suggesting it's for everyone, I'm just saying look into it. I worked newborn nursery 5 years back in my 20s, and the babies going out for adoption were always fought over by all of us. Fought over to feed, rock, sneak kisses, love. I could have taken anyone of those babies home, and if you came back a few days later for the child, you would have had a fight on your hands. Rather that chance having 6 at once, that you'll be in debt for forever, that other people have to care for, that puts more strain on your marriage than most, just consider adopting one at a time, and you'll fall in love so fast I can't even explain it. Lady Gwenivere, I'm so sorry you may have to weight so long. I dare to argue with the social worker, because once an open adoption process starts, the ball is in the bio mother's court, as she starts communicating with you and getting to know you. It took my brother 7 months once they got to know the mother.
I don't think wanting to have a baby yourself makes you selfish at all. But adoption & fostering is definitely an amazing thing to do so I'm glad you feel good about it. There are a lot of kids out there in need of responsible homes.
Any chance you're in Ohio? I don't really know where to go for information and the internet hasn't been fantastically helpful thus far.
@Pollypinks@xanga - we are adopting through the foster system, so its a little different. Its not as simple as getting matched with a birth mum and then adopting the baby... Our son came to us as a fosterbaby and his birthmom lost her parental rights and we adopted him. He has been in our care since he was 6 months old. The little girl we are waiting to adopt has been with us since she was 4 months old and her birthmom wants us to adopt her, the birthfather is contesting it. So we have to wait for court again.
It would be completely different if we had set out to adopt, but we didn't at first. It just worked out that way. Plus things work different between the US and Canada (where i am).
That must be frustrating, with a dad who probably can't provide the love and care you can, getting involved in this simply because there's something involved that's his.
@Pollypinks@xanga - its a simple case of "a boy doesn't want a toy unless another boy wants to play with it"... Its not that we want to adopt her and run away and they will never ever see her again.. its that she has been with us for most of her life, we are all she knows.. and he can be a part of her life as long as he stays clean and gets his act together.