Wednesday, 20 June 2012
How are those mental images coming? Depictions of courtrooms & custody battles, screaming fights on the phone hoping the kids don't hear, ripping hair out while going over finances and unpaid child-support, children picking favorites based on which parent lets them get away with what, evil stepmothers & abusive stepfathers...
Since my husband left I've centrifuge of emotions, leaving me dizzy, concentrated, and isolated. Relief, excitement, guilt, fear, anger. It's hard to be an optimist when all the plans for the time until death do you part suddenly vanish. I felt as though I woke up in 2006 before I was dating my husband and had to get back on with my life from way back then, except with 2 toddlers, thousands of dollars in debt, impending bills, overstuffed emotional baggage, and some stretchmarks in tow.
I have gotten criticized for not taking my husband back after he left me. I've gotten "I told you so,"s. I've gotten belittled for going from stay-at-home-mom to working mom. With a baby on each hip, the weight of the world on your shoulders feels a little bit heavier. Divorce is a web of regret and finger-pointing. You were young. You were stupid. You should have known. You should think about what it will do to the kids.
I don't want to feel like I am running away from all the negativity in my marriage, rather that I am running towards the beautiful future and family that I have always wanted for my kids.
This year, 2012, has been all new beginnings for me, not ends. Some combination of luck, desperation, and drive, has given me a new career, new people, new love, new responsibilities, new experiences. I wish every mom who finds herself unexpectedly single can take this route. You haven't failed--not yourself, not your kids, not your parents--you're doing nothing more than giving yourself a second chance to reevaluate what you wanted in the first place so you can see it clearly before heading out the door to hunt it again.