I am a textbook example of classic pregnancy symptoms. (Except for hemorrhoids, so far... Thank God.) My first trimester was full of vomit and I even broke out in hives. I'm always tired, oversleeping, indulging in cravings, easily weepy, and always cleaning like a mad woman. According to What To Expect While You're Expecting, I am on the last week of month four: 17 weeks today. These round ligament pains can get to me sometimes, especially at work where I'm constantly on my feet and moving. I am finally starting to feel like I'm actually showing and not just "getting bigger." Soon I'll be out of that awkward phase where people will be more brave to ask when I'm due rather than internally question my weight gain as just eating too much.
Even though I told all of my family, Chris's family, coworkers, and close friends... I just recently made the official announcement on Facebook to my almost 1000 friends (including close friends, coworkers, and family.. but mostly old friends, high school peers, people that attended the same parties I did back in the day, bar regulars, maybe past hook-ups... people that I could probably care less about their opinion about my baby). I got a lot of feedback, though, and they are all supportive. Both Chris and I have had endless positive feedback, not one negative comment, about us having a baby together. It is surprising because we are not married and will only have been officially together for 7 months this upcoming month...and we are young with okay jobs. People seem to think we are a really good couple and that we each have the capability to make an awesome parent.
Lately, I've been worrying about a lot of things. Of course, my legal situation. A whole other story that will for sure pass, but mainly because I am completely emptying my pockets to get the freedom I deserve. Which leads to constant worry of finances. We are moving into an awesome house that we can afford, but money will be tight with all of our bills and obligations. This is normal for a pregnant woman to worry about, though. Whether or not this is normal, I often find myself easily weepy like I said before and insecure. This leads to problems I have been having with Chris.
He is a very good man to have by my side, but I have been wondering lately if I am losing him. He doesn't seem as interested, and gets annoyed when I start feeling sensitive. For example, whenever I ask if we could go grocery shopping, he seems to get irritated to the fact that we are about to spend a lot of money. Or he's getting annoyed with me getting "pushy" (I'm not the nagging type at all, I'm usually the one that gets nagged at by everyone). Our sex life is daily, sometimes more than once. Even that is decreasing. Today, we couldn't decide where we were going to eat for lunch. We had all the same food I've been eating at the house, so I wanted to go out. He turned down everything I said, when normally he gets irritated that I never know where I want to go. So, even though we were already driving to go somewhere, I said "Fuck it, I don't want to go anywhere." I already knew it'd be a waste of money and time, we would be sitting in the restaurant wherever we would be avoiding killing each other. This pointless car ride ended in almost getting in a car wreck and me crying. Instead of eating I washed dishes so I didn't have to talk. Anytime I mentioned that I was insecure that he was starting to lose interest in me, he would get mad and say he wasn't. He never did sound convincing. I suck at communicating sometimes, and was wondering if my symptoms, definitely including my moodiness, were pushing him away.
He soon took a shower while I was washing the dishes to get ready for work. We were avoiding each other. When he got out just in his towel, he tried to make me laugh and I didn't. He came over to say he was sorry and asked me if I thought he was an ass. That's one of the many reasons why I love him. Even though he can be an ass just like any other guy, he's always sweet at the end. He told me he was going to try to be sensitive towards me and that he was going to read the What to Expect book when he got home instead of the one he's been reading. He later told me that he has been depressed lately, and said it wasn't my fault at all. I wish he knew that I really try to make him happy all the time, I didn't like hearing that... but he was honest.
I wonder if this kind of situation is normal, or if I'm just being overly sensitive. He's probably just as freaked out as I am. We didn't plan this, we went from fucking around, spending all of our money having fun with almost no responsibilities... to now. The true reality.... major adjustments. We are so much alike, said the same things at the same time before we even really knew each other. Also, we both completely SUCK at talking about our feelings... it either comes out wrong or held in for too long. We always make up, but it can be reoccurring. I hope we can grow old together, for the sake of our child and the love we have. So if anyone actually read this, what do you think?
How can I communicate my symptoms better? Any advice for him (even if its something like "go buy yourself a 6 pack because you'll never be right" kind of advice)? If there is any beneficial feedback you could spare for me, please do.
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Comments (13)
It sounds to me like he is scared and adjusting to new things in his life.
The best advice in my opinion is communication.
I'd show him this post or a version of it, it's raw, it's real. That might spark a raw and real conversation between the two of you about what ISN'T being said.
You can't make him happy and not depressed, nor is it your job. Only he can change things in his own life and face his personal demons. You are only there to be a support system for him, not a changer.
Legal situation? Freedom? I'm guessing you're in the process of a divorce or something like that?
Based on what you write, your fears, and my experience - I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor. When I was pregnant with our second, that is what we did and it saved our marriage. Having children is a big fat stress on a man, too. And it is one of the top times a man will think of cheating (life changes are always confusing times). Our therapist said one of the best things we did was to seek help before the train was off the tracks. It is much easier to salvage the relationship then, rather than trying to put the pieces back together when it is so damaged there may be nothing left.
I'm not saying this to discourage or scare you, not at all. It is to encourage you to do something healthy for you and your family to be. It will also lessen your stress, as you can leave your worries with the therapist and no longer dwell on them.
You guys have sex once or more a day???? That's a lot.
"You guys have sex once or more a day???? That's a lot."
Disagree! Enjoy it ;)
Also, I agree w/ the marriage counselor bit... work hard now, because the hardest part of marriage (when you get that far) is when you say 'I Do'
I was in a similar situation with my relationship - we had been together 4 months when I got pregnant, I had just decided to drop out of graduate school and had no plans for a job, and early on in the pregnancy I moved into his house, which had been a bachelor pad for quite some time.
There was a lot of adjustment - normal relationship stuff, normal personal stuff, and normal pregnancy stuff. Add that all together and the relationship will definitely suffer for a while. That's why they say you should have all of your ducks in a row before you get pregnant.
Anyway, we had rough times, definitely. During the superbowl, at almost 5 months pregnant, I burst into tears in the car on the way to a party and refused to go, for no particular reason. We fought over my dog constantly, because he has never had a dog who is indoors at night. We were both worried about money. It kind of sucked until the third trimester.
I think what helped best was focusing on the things we agreed on and mostly ignoring the rest. A lot of our issues didn't really need to be worked out, they were just issues because we were both in a stressful place. All of those things have worked themselves out with minimal effort.
It sound like he's trying to come to terms with the changes in the relationship. The entire dynamic of a relationship changes when a baby comes along, and it's not always an easy thing to deal with. In a few months, you two will go from being a couple to being parents as well, and I'm not going to lie, this is scary! I'd be worried if he wasn't freaking out! I highly doubt any of the things going on have anything to do with how he feels about you (if he didn't love you and want to be with you, chances are he'd have up and left when he found out you were pregnant). He has a lot on his mind, is probably feeling scared and insecure, and he may not know how to express how he's feeling (or is like most men and doesn't like to talk about feelings). The best thing you can do is open up to him first. Share with him your worries and fears and insecurites. You opening up may just get the ball rolling, and he'll talk to you too. Seeing a professional would be a big help, but you'd both have to agree to do so first. It would be best to get things worked out before baby's arrival so when you do bring your little bundle of joy home, he/she will be welcomed into a loving environment. As far as sex goes, it's normal for that to slow down when you're pregnant, and it doesn't have anything to do with your feelings about each other. It's hard to feel aroused when you're sick, tired, emotional while pregnant. Likewise, it's hard for a man to be aroused when he's stressed out and worried. Just wait until baby comes home! Sex is almost always the last thing on anyone's mind when sleep is so much more appealing ha ha.
It seems like men are somewhat neglected during pregnancy and afterward. Everyone focuses so much attention on the mom-to-be and then the baby, and daddy might feel left out. Make sure he feels important and valued, and reassure him that you are elated to have him as your partner in this new chapter in your lives. If you are both there for each other offering support and love and cooperation, things should be just fine!
I know it's hard, but he's young and he's probably shit scared of this. Like you said, you guys didn't plan this and he's having to adjust to a lot changes just the same as you are. He probably wasn't prepared for how hormonal and moody you would be during your pregnancy - but it sounds like you know you're probably being irrational. I mean, if you're already heading out, why get in a mood and say you don't want to bother? That would piss me off too, and then you proceeded to get in a strop and ignore him. I'm not trying to sound like a bitch here, but that would annoy me too.
I think you need to sit him down and talk to him. Apologise for being hormonal and irrational but try to explain to him that it's not necessarily in your control. Pregnancy is tough (especially because it's your first) but it's equally as hard on him who's dealing with you changing and has no idea how to react. It's understandable he's worried about money, and he's probably just scared of how to act around you because of your reactions, honestly. I'm not blaming either one of you, you're both young and scared and going through something huge. Best of luck!
Prepare yourselves for the changes of your life. It's not going to be all sweet and honeymoon behavior, and you cannot predict with a 100% certainty that the baby will allow you any sleep at all. My son and his girlfriend jumped the gun and got pregnant before becoming ready for marriage, and the little fella wound up with lactose intolerance, reflux, colic, and ezema. Nobody was prepared for the amount of stress, only the wonderful bonding that would undoubtedly take place. I care for him, now 7 months, 3 days a week, and grandmotherhood is not easier. Having to negotiate with the two of them when they think of goofy things to do with the baby has just about done me in, bug all in all, we love him to death, and it's getting easier.
I'm 15 weeks and sometimes my SO and I have the same issues. He explained it to me though (when I wasn't crying!). Females have the baby to worry about, the guys have us and the baby to worry about. They have all sorts of new pressures because it's a "man's job" to take care of things financially. They can't feel the changes like we can (or the emotions we feel) so it's like being on a roller coaster blind folded...sometimes you can't see a big drop or turn coming up until it's right there. You know? It's just stress from something new and he has no idea what to do.
The amazing thing is to have someone by your side holding your hand who is still there when you're done crying even though they are a bit shell shocked. :) The best thing I have found is make sure he knows he's appreciated and loved during the good emotional days. Do little things to show you care. It helps A LOT.
Hope this helps! And congrats on the baby!!!!
Lots of good advice on here. I agree, communication is key, especially now before the baby is born and there isn't so much time to have the in-depth conversations. I also think that explaining to him that you genuinely want to know how he feels about the whole situation is key, as well. Guys don't tend to just open up and "dump" their emotions on us like we sometimes to do them, they take a bit of prodding. He may be scared and doesn't want to express that since he is the man, you know?
My husband would get annoyed with me when I started the whole, "do you still think I'm attractive thing," and his answers didn't sound so convincing either but I came to realize that it wasn't because he was lying to me, it's because he thought that me asking that was ridiculous. Lol. That and you can really only ask it so many times before it does just get sort of obnoxious.
Honestly you sound like me and my honey... When you can't communicate it's better to go into couples counseling... It's not just for people who want a divorce... it can really prepare you both and get you both on the same page of understanding with what you two are getting into.
Best of luck!
When I was pregnant with our daughter, my husband was super excited at first, steadily supportive through the first two trimesters, and then just before the third trimester the doc put me on bed rest because I kept having contractions creep up on me. Well... once that happened my husband was super stressed and super protective, to the pint of tucking me into bed before he went to work, taking my phone, unplugging my computer and taking the power cord with him, and verbally reinforcing that I was only to get up to eat or go to the bathroom. It was crazy making. Spending money was a hot button, most definitely. It was like the gravity of having a miniature human being who's psyched we were going to be programming for how they lived the rest of their life finally hit home. In time, it gets better. He probably just needs as much assurance and encouragement as you do. Men are terrified of being fathers, it seems. My husband put it this way once, "I was a dirty minded little [expletive deleted], I was always trying to see up girls skirts and see how far I could go and the first boy she brings home is gone be met with my shot gun because all guys are like that" so on and so forth. They're afraid of what their precious little girls will encounter, they're afraid of being man enough to be a good role model for their sons, can they provide for a child, what about "being a guy", "who does this make me", etc.. It's all a process. Help each other through.
I would say definitely be honest with him about how you're feeling, but do it respectfully.
i think you'll do just fine, since you are aware of your flaws & your strong points together & what holds you together. these problems are fluctuated by pregnancy hormones making you think a lot more in depth about things, thus becoming more paranoid about them. & since you guys havent been dating that long, this is a very big adjustment, so just be open with each other as hard as it can be & things will become more like learning experiences than fights. in the end all you have is each other, if you truly want it to work, so you gotta let each other in.
Why do I feel like I've read this before?