Monday, 02 April 2012
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Cryin' Ryan
I love being a nanny. I love being so intimately involved in the lives of children and helping to shape who they are. Though it can sound intimidating to have such an impact on someone, I really think I do a good job and I really do try very hard at what I do. I always try to make sure that the two children I watch, who I'll call Anna and Ryan, are well taken care of. Anna is a spunky, intelligent 4 and a half year old and Ryan just turned 15 months. But I need a little bit of advice/help when it comes to Ryan.
You see, I am also a parent, to a beautiful 19 month old son, who I'll call Jake (sorry, I'm very private--no real names). Jake is amazing. He has done everything early and is very smart for his age, not just according to friends and family but according to his doctor as well. He's also just a really fun child. Always laughs so loudly and is always doing something new and interesting. Although it is not fair to compare Jake and Ryan, I do anyway. Ryan is really far behind. But not just far behind, he cries all the time. And well, to be honest, he's just no fun.
I know he's a baby and that he can't be held responsible for his actions the way that an older child can. But I'm going to be honest about my feelings. I don't like him. I do care about him and I am very nurturing to him, making sure he's constantly stimulated. However, no matter what, that boy is always whining and wailing. I sit him down--here comes the high pitch screams and crocodile tears. I take away something--he just loses his mind. I tell him, "No", and he goes haywire. That boy has a meltdown over everything. He also screams a lot. As in, just sitting there playing with his toys, and just looks up and starts screaming to the top of his lungs. Not mad, not happy. Just screams.
He falls all the time as well because he just runs into things. Mentally, he acts like my son did at 10 months old, yet he's 15. It makes me so mad! It's so frustrating when I'm trying to spend time with Anna or just cleaning up around the house, and he falls ever so slightly and he starts screaming. I want to be like, "Ryan, get a grip!" It's hard for me to feel sorry for him when I feel like he needs to just be normal and calm down. I want to give him the care and love he deserves, but it's hard. It's really hard. I have been told I am an extremely patient person. I never yell and it takes a lot to get to me. But I am with this boy 10 hours a day, 3-4 days a week, and let me tell you, it gets to you after a while, especially when your ears are ringing from his constant screaming.
So I'm wondering if anyone has ever dealt with a child like Ryan? And also, does it sound like he has a mental problem? He doesn't really say any words and doesn't really even babble. He screams, and says "mama". That's all I've ever heard him say. If there is something wrong with him, then it would help me to deal with him because I would be more understanding and less mad. I am not comfortable enough with his parents to tell them that I think something is wrong with their son. I've tried hinting things here or there but I think that it makes them uncomfortable to talk about it. I think they are aware that something is different, especially since he is so far behind where Anna was at that age. I really just want to enjoy my job and not come home with a pulsating headache every night. Please help!
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- From: walawalawinksi@xanga
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Comments (22)
It sounds like Ryan is just being your average 15 month old. Just be patient with him.
My friends child B is going to be 2 in may and that what he does is just screams and cries constantly with or with out interaction. I feel bad for the kid because i know his parents arent all that nuturing ans he has a baby sister N who is 6 mo that they spend way more time. Could it be he feels left out do you spend one on one time with him as well. Are you able to get him preoccuied before doing something else. Does he stop if you dont run to his every scream. I would say just keep telling him everythings ok if it is and be patient.
First, I agree with the rocking of socks. There is a spectrum of typical childhood behaviors, and he sounds like a normal 15 moth old. Not all children are going to act to same and you shouldn't expect them to act the same. Unfortunately, you are the nanny. It is your job to communicate with the parents. If Ryan's behavior is affecting your ability to do your job, you need to know what maybe going on in order to be a better nanny for him. Don't ask them what's wrong with their son, because they would come off as rude. Surely they know he screams a lot, maybe ask them for tips on how to calm him down when he is upset or how to redirect his anger, distract him etc. If there is something wrong him, his parents would have let you know (or at least most parents with a special needs child would have told you).
Oh, the happy scream. My daughter was very verbal by 12 months and still did the shriek/happy scream. Maybe take some tylenol before you head in to work? I'm not being glib, I'm being serious. He is being a normal 15mo in my opinion. You have to separate what you expect of him based on the behaviours of your own child. It's not fair to either one of them. The speech thing is something you can explore further once he's reached two years of age and is not yet putting two-word sentences together, that's when we started the process of ruling out a hearing problem or a mental issue with my son, no real concern before two years of age.
this is just my opinion
but the first thing you need to do is stop comparing this little guy to your children.
Maybe he is just being his "normal" because every child is different.
So instead of doing what worked with your child, try finding something that works for him.
Babygirl (who is almost 18months) went through a similar phase with the screaming nonsense, as did our son around the same age, 12-18 months.. I actually asked our doctor about it.. he said it was most likely a mix of growing pains, teething, and new tactics to get attention. I usually just start singing and they stop.
Just because you child was at one stage at 15 months, does not mean that every other child are going to be at the same stage. Every child is different, especially between boys and girls.
Deep breaths, stay patient, and if all else fails YouTube has great kids music.. solves everything in our house =)
Talk to his parents and see if he does the same thing with them. If so, find out what they do to soothe him. You can't expect a 15 month old to "get a grip." They have such big emotions for such little people. You said multiple times in this entry that you are mad. I'm sure you are a very patient person, but i'm sure your frustration is felt by him. Just know that it is a stage and he will grow out of it and be onto another stage....and the next stage might not be so pleasant either...hitting maybe? While your son might be extremely happy, you can't expect that. Frustration is expressed in different ways by children, but i would talk to the parents and figure out a plan because i know it can't be easy having a screaming child all day long. I wouldn't get mad, but i'm pretty sure i'd go insane.
oh no! My nephews are 3 and 1 and they do their share of crying. Its not constantly, however I have babysat kids that haven't stopped crying no matter what I did. I usually hold them and try to get them to stop and if theyre having a tantrum I have them tell me what is wrong. I have been babysitting children since I was 12 and I helped take care of my sister who is 14 years younger. Are they attached to people in particular? Both my nephews are very attached to me probably because Ive been a second mother to them since they were born. the 1 year old cries every time he leaves my house and it breaks my heart! Of course I try to console him, but then he'll start again. Hope that helps!
Emery
You just described my 15 month old son exactly. I've been bothered and concerned about the constant screaming, the tantruming that doesn't seem to respond to any kind of reaction from me. I love my son, he is a joy on a good day, but he is difficult and there are days where i don't enjoy his company. Because of the types of behaviors you've described in Ryan. My son, Mork, is also lacking in communication skills, which may be a huge factor in the screaming and tantrums, and he is also lagging behind where his sister was at this age.
If Ryan is like this all day every day, it would be much more draining. Mork has good days. We have days where he isn't snotty from screaming all day long. We have days where he is a joy, and there is laughter and playfullness and smiles.On bad days, I'm still trying to work out how to handle those. He screams to be held- only by me, ofcourse, but then when i'm holding him, he fights with me to put him down. Then when i put him down, he screams to be held again before his feet even touch the floor. I've tried wearing him, which results in the same fighting/ squirming/ screaming. I've tried giving him space, which is to say i've just walked away from him whenever he starts screaming in tantrum form. I've tried forcing communication, where i've incorporated signs in with our daily dialog. He flat refuses to use any of the signs, even though i know he recognizes and understands when i use them. He refuses to speak words as i've spoken them. He has about 5 "words" that he uses for everything. I can tell by his face and body language that he is trying hard to communicate, and that maybe he even thinks that he's saying the word like i've said it, but it's hard to hear "Dass" and imagine that it sounds remotely like "flower".I've felt like you often. When Mork is screaming and i've gone through our check list of what may be the issue and nothing has hit the spot, i want to just tell him "Buck up, son." And it sucks because i know, by that point, that there is nothing that i can do that will help him deescalate. It's the saddest thing ever, but i've learned that if i just ignore him, he gets over it quicker. =(So, i have jack all as advice for you. You are welcome to join with me in the "I hope this gets better" club.Just because your son is at a higher level, doesn't mean this baby is "behind". EVERY baby obviously grows at a different level; mentally and physically.
I do daycare also, and have had a few kids that act like that. Extra clingy and all that. It IS very annoying. It does get better. If it doesn't, than possibly think about getting a different job or watch different kids.
I have also done childcare for several years. I have learned to be very "zen" when dealing with children like this. It may sound cold, but try taking your emotions completely out of the equation. This is your job. This is how you have chosen to make money. You don't have to love your job, you just have to do it properly. The more you let your frustrations affect you, the more this kid's behavior will bother you, and it will just become a vicious cycle.
Even though it will be hard at first, try simply not caring. If you don't care, then it won't bother you. The child may even stop throwing tantrums, because he can't get a reaction of any kind. If the boy's physical needs are met, and you have done all you can for him, then there's no reason to care any more than that.
Don't abandon him outside or leave him in poopy diapers. But don't jump every time he cries out for attention.
Communicate with his parents more about this issue. Figure out if he is like this for them and how they deal with it. It is not your job to care whether or not this kid becomes a spoiled brat. It is your job to keep him alive and well while he's in your care.
Hang in there! There where/are times when I don't like my own kids even though I love them and I'd die for them. I completely understand how frustrating is and I think it's great that you care so much, even though he's not your son. I'm glad you understand the magnitude and importance you play in his life.
He does seem somewhat normal... I didn't talk until I was good and ready at the old age of 2 and my son went through times where he screamed and was fussy it seemed like all the time. Every time he had a little fall or something even little happened, he'd flip his lid and I'd roll my eyes because I knew what was coming as soon as it happened. I started calmly and encouragingly telling him, "You're okay. You're tough." and leaving it at that. Giving him much attention when he was in scream mode led to more screaming to get attention. When he wasn't crying, I'd say, "Show me how tough you are!! GGGRRRR!!!" and we'd flex our muscles, do silly poses and growl to show how tough we are. I made it a game so that next time he fell, he had some tools to cope with the boo boos of his life besides screaming.
Even though the little guy may not talk, he understands a lot. My son, again, would scream a lot. He would get frustrated super easy over everything. I started singing the song to him, "Keep trying, keep trying. Don't give up, never give up" (thank you, Yo Gabba Gabba) to him at the times when he was calm so I could sing it to him when he was screaming and it would calm him down. He's started singing to himself now when he gets upset, I don't have to do it hardly anymore to calm him down.
If he's throwing a monster of a tantrum just because he wants to, it
wouldn't hurt him to put him in a quiet, comfortable spot by himself and let
him scream it out alone for a bit then when/if he calms down, hold him and sing to him or soothe him for a minute. He seems like he gets agitated quickly right now so he needs help calming down in a way that doesn't promote the screaming. You could also tell him when he screams for no reason, "No, no. We don't scream like that." It may not solve the problem immediately but if he hears it enough, it will sink in...even if you have to say it 200 times before it does.
I'd also mention to hold him a lot and give him lots of touch time when he's not screaming. Mental stimulation is not always as important as touching is for some kids. There are all different types and some really do need more hugging, head rubbing, hand holding and tummy tickling.
It comes to mind that the little guy might be teething or experiencing something that is painful, like gas.
@Kuai_le1010@xanga - @landers_mommy0520 - @storyofmylife87@xanga - @Alle_in_Ashe@xanga - @EmeryAnn89@xanga - @ShamrockLover@xanga - @LadyGwenivere@xanga - @amyunicorn@xanga - @Erika_Steele@xanga - @aidensmommy - @the_rocking_of_socks@xanga - Thanks for the input, everyone. I'm glad to know that this is probably not abnormal behavior. It is abnormal to me just because none of the other children I have ever worked with over the past 3 years have acted like that, at least not at that age. According to some of the milestone charts, he is behind, but that doesn't mean he won't catch up. I will try to talk to the parents so that I can think of some creative ways to have a calmer, more peaceful household and a happier child!
@walawalawinksi@xanga - If he's a hypersensitive child he may not be focusing on things that other children his age are, such as learning speech, which could be the cause for the delay. I knew a little girl like him. She was one of the most unhappy children I'd ever met and couldn't talk. Now that she is 4, she is perfectly normal and very sweet.
I agree w/ the other comments, don't give up on him just yet. The first thing that comes to my mind is, teething? Sometimes they start getting molars between 1 and 2 (it happens again between 2 and 3, normally) and those are PAINFUL. I thought I was going to go insane when my 2-yr-old started getting her molars, before I knew what was wrong with her. She screamed and cried over EVERY LITTLE THING for about a week and a half. Then all the sudden (her molars broke through and) she was the happiest, most endearing little thing again, like she'd been before the teething.
The other thought I had was a memory of one of my mom's friend's little boys that I knew when I was growing up. I don't really remember anything else about him other than he was very energetic, very vocal, and he screamed. All the time. We realized pretty early on that he was just so social, and he had so much he WANTED to say, but couldn't, that screaming was his way of communicating. He either screamed as a way of trying to say something, or screamed in frustration that we weren't understanding his screams, or screamed to express happiness...or sadness...or anger...etc. And it was ear splitting! OMG! But as soon as he learned to talk, he quit screaming. So don't give up.
I would tend to think this child is trying to communicate SOMEthing to you with his screams. It's your job to figure out what. Take the other commenters' suggestions and see if you can make any head way. And pleeeeeease stop comparing him to your kid. My daughter has reached all her milestones "late" but she is only 2 and already knows her colors, numbers, several shapes, and some of her letters, and can talk a blue streak, saying all kinds of words. She can also sing about a dozen different nursery rhyme/songs and remember most of the words. So I don't worry about her at all, even though some people would look at her milestone chart and going by that, wonder if she is "slow." Kids just grow at different rates. I wouldn't even worry if he's not saying that much at 2. My best friend's son didn't talk much at all until about 2 and a half (I was starting to worry, myself)...then one day, in less than a week, his vocabulary exploded and he started speaking whole sentences and paragraphs.
Good luck to you. :)
I actually saw a documentary in one of my uni classes (developmental psychology) on young children having issues with their parents. One of the big things that a couple of the parents needed to change was actually their attitude toward their children. Though their children were the ones with visible issues, the parents who held resentment or anger toward their children also negatively influenced the situation. Children can on some unconscious level sense your attitude toward them, no matter how much you try to cover it up. It can make them even more upset, angry, and scared, which just perpetuates a bad cycle.
We also learned that some children are just naturally inclined to the miseries. Not because of the parents, not because of any traumatic life events, just because they are that way. The best outcomes came from parents who recognized that some babies are just naturally miserable and that the best they can do is come up with a plan that attends to the baby's specific needs.
I'm not a psychologist, but I would like to be, and my source of information was Prof. Shelly Shreier. :)
I'd simply talk to his parents about his screaming and ask them how they want you to handle it. Frankly, if he does have any issues/developmental delays, it's not any of your business to know. Tell them your concerns of his behavior without the judgment and without the comparison to your child. See how they handle it. Good luck!
If you're concerned, get him evaluated. It can't hurt, and might help temendously. My 3 children were all late talkers. What I learned by #3 is it's not when they start saying words, but what sounds they babble before they are about 9 months. My kids did make lots of noise, and 'babble' but apparently were lacking in the specific sounds they should have had by 9 months. Start doing baby sign language immediately, for your sanity, and his!
Also, I have a lot of experience with sensory integration dysfunction. It's very, very common and under-diagnosed. He might be over stimulated in some areas.
A third concern would be food allergies (sounds like a possible corn allergy, and corn syrup (and HFCS) is in everything it seems). After that, random screaming could be a sign of GERD. Easily treatable. Even undiagnosed ear infections can cause screaming.
Asking if he has a "mental" problem is not what you want to ask. You mean a developmental delay.
And, if you are his nanny, then it IS your business to know; disagreeing with "TiredSoVeryTired". If you were looking after a child with an allergy or diabetes, you'd need to know. Developmental delays are very real, very serious, very tiring, and very much the business of everyone who comes in contact with the child on a regular basis.
I guess I'm a little shocked by the attitude of "not caring." And just because we are dealing with nannies, doesn't mean they have psychological skills at diagnosing problems in some children. I don't find it normal that this little boy cries so much. I would discuss this with his parents, so that they could make an educated decision whether or not to have him diagnosed. A child that young can indeed have ADHD, whether anyone wants to believe the science behind it or not. He's miserable, and he doesn't deserve it. I'd find a way to fix this. He obviously senses some form of dislike for him, and the fact that you have a so called "perfect" child you are comparing to him really takes the cake. Poor kid. I wish his mother could stay home with him.
I have not read all the comments above so not sure what other moms are saying. It may be uncomfortable but maybe you could find out if the parents have taken the kid to his pediatrician and if the doc thought his behavior is normal. There are places like Head Start, Birth to Three that helps kids with a wide range of delays and social behavior. There is no shame in not being normal but It is important to catch them early. My daughter goes there for group play b/c of speech delay. It is important to get the pediatrician's assessment and maybe a referral to those places. It may be uncomfortable to bring the topic up but it will help your job and mostly importantly, the boy.
My mother-in-law says that my brother-in-law was never an easy baby. Cried every day compared to my husband and his other brother. Looking at his kid pictures my brother-in-law looked fine but since I've met him as an adult you could tell there is something off. I think he was only recently diagnosed with adult autism. I am not close with my in-laws to ask if they did anything, sought any help when he was younger. But the point is, my brother-in-laws apparently cried everyday as a kid that reminds me of Ryan. Something could be off, not sure what, but it should be brought up. Good luck!
This sounds nuts! Ive never ever met, seen, or even heard of such a cry baby. My daughter is only 6 months granted but she only cries for a handful of reasons... those being. 1, someone other then me daddy or grandma hold her, 2 shes hungry, 3 shes tired, 4 I took something away from her like my laptop cord or my cell phone cause she knows its a no-no or 5 she just fell from trying to use the couch as a way of standing up.
The only time she even screamed was when she was getting shots. Shes such a happy baby,
I dont blame you for feeling a little crazy about this kid, I wouldnt have any idea how to deal with that.
We just got over the seperation anxiety thing with my kid though... maybe it has something to do with that, the looking up and noticing things changed some how?
I would definitely talk with the parents, tell them how you cope now and see if they can share similar sentiments.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Actually with the author having the job of his nanny/sitter she needs to know about delays so she can handle the situation correctly and help with his development. She just told you shes with the kid 30 to 40 hours a week. Thats a long time.
Honestly... this reminds me of a friend's son. Everything you're saying... from wondering if he's got a mental/developmental problem... to the fact that he's constantly screaming for everything regardless of happy/sad... to the breakdowns over NOTHING.
I'd always just sort of attributed it to the fact that kids are still people and sometimes there are just people you don't like who get on your damn nerves.