Monday, 12 March 2012
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How Much Do Two-Year-Olds Need to Be Held?
My daughter just turned 2 years old last week, and she's been VERY clingy and needy ever since, it seems like. She constantly follows me around saying "Hold you? Hold you?" --wanting me to pick her up and cuddle her. I LOVE holding her and cuddling her, but obviously I cannot do it all day long. And, realistically, she gets PLENTY of physical contact with me. I cuddle her every morning when she wakes up. I cuddle her throughout the day whenever it's feasible. I hold her after she wakes up from her afternoon nap. I cuddle her before bedtime. Aside from those times, there are times (like when I'm driving or cooking) that I just can't make it work. And she tends to have a meltdown every time I have to say "Sorry, honey, but I can't right now."
Just some context: I'm a single mom and I've done attachment parenting from day 1; baby-wearing, co-sleeping, etc. I never did the cry it out method. (Disclaimer: I'm not judging anyone who does, I'm just trying to let people know where I'm coming from so they might have any possible clue as to what may be going on here!)
My daughter is a people person; she's extremely verbal and loves to talk, she's also very smart and already knows a lot of her colors, shapes, ABC's (somewhat) and can count to 10. She's done the "Your Baby Can Read" videos off and on, and she has a stimulating environment with lots to do - as well as friends who are older than her, so she picks up on things they know when she interacts with them. This is not meant as a brag, I am saying these things because I assumed that a child who is so interested in people and learning, would want to be down and running around all day...not bypassing all the fun stuff and asking to be held every 10 minutes.
I've talked to several people about it, and only one person's response really resonated with me: something to the effect of, they wondered if the process of becoming independent from their parents isn't sometimes scary to a toddler. And that maybe they go through phases where they may want to "crawl back inside you," so to speak, when they realize they are actually a separate person from their parent.
But aside from that, I'm clueless as to what's going on here. My main concern is that maybe she has a need that I'm not meeting adequately, so she's trying to meet it by being physically (literally) "in touch" with me all the time. But I don't really know.
Have you ever been through anything like this with your kids? Do toddlers go through a second "separation anxiety"? Do you have any advice for how to make her feel secure, or meet whatever need she seems to be lacking? Is she even lacking anything? Help!
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- From: quidam2010@xanga
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Comments (25)
I am the aunt of two sweet nephews who always want me to hold them, play with them, ect... I think its because they miss me alot when theyre not around me and they dont want to leave my side. They are 1 and 3 and they want to be held about the same, I think. It depends on the kid, some are more attached to people than others.
@the_rocking_of_socks@xanga - hahaha! thats how my nephews are! Are they 3 and 1 years old? I think it may be because they miss us and don't want to leave us
My son is very attached to me, too. He'll be 3 in May. I breastfed him til he was 18 months, don't know if that has anything to do with it, but I know he misses it, because he still tries to feel me up. Haha! I personally think every child is different. My daughter, who is 5, was not as physically attached to me as my son is. I don't know the difference, besides a difference in personality.
I think the advice to hold hands rather than carry her is great. I do that with my son (except when he gets out of hand or throws a tantrum, then Daddy picks him up against his will and carries him - if *I* carried him, he'd like it, but when Daddy does it, he knows he's captured and it's not a cuddle). I know that the Daddy part isn't much of the same option in your case, so I don't know how to relate it to your situation. Because when my son is annoying the royal shiz out of me because he wants to be with me, on me, at all times, my husband (when he's home, since he's in the military) runs interference. Do you have other family support?
How much do they need to be held? The same amount that you need to hold her. I firmly believe it.Maybe that's a key to getting a break, which is beneficial to both of you. Your LO is old enough to learn that when you leave, you *come back.* Gone for now doesn't equal gone forever - but the only way to teach that is, unfortunately, to leave her. With a baby sitter, a family member, someone very trustworthy and fun.
It is not a problem that your 2 year old is so attached. It is not because of your parenting choices, I did not do attachment parenting and I have the same issue with one of my children.
ok here is a thought.. she just turned 2.. when my boy hit that age he was working on his 2yr molars, and a big growth spurt so he was cranky and clingy and the only place he felt comfortable was cuddling with me. Could she be going through the same thing?
It doesn't sound like separation anxiety to me, but you didn't mention anything about having to leave her. Something that helped my son (who was so attached to me at 2 that he'd cry and run after me the moment i left the room) was taking him to play groups.. He learned that he could go play and i'd still be there when he got back. But by 2.5 he was getting worse again so he went to my mum's daycare 3 days a week, half days.
Also, try sitting on the floor or couch and getting her to sit beside you, so she learns she can be close to you without being on top of you.
Hope things get easier soon =)
Do you cuddle her without her asking? If so, that might be why she expects it when she asks. Maybe you need to not do that for a while and only do it when she asks. Don't do it every single time she asks either. If you have already cuddled with her once when she asked, next time let her know that you have already cuddled and just hold her hand or sit her next to you like others above me suggested. Let her know it's ok to just hold hands or sit next to each other. If you keep allowing this behavior she will not learn to be independent. Good luck with this!
@the_rocking_of_socks@xanga - okay. Yeah, lately my youngest nephew Kyle (1) has been crying every time he leaves my house or whenever I leave him. It makes me sooooo sad and I always hold him so he will calm down, which sometimes works. The 3 year old Isaiah was the same way and he still doesn't want to leave me. I love them nonetheless. They are so precious :)
I never choose cio either and when my twins (now 5) were that age I held that as much as they wanted because they needed it. For my two they slowly started playing more on their own, it helped to have a friend at all times but I think as parents we have to remember they are small beings and sometimes just need us.
@mommalosingit@xanga - she said what I was going to say. As much as she wants. If you need to get work done, then set up a schedule where you do activity A while she does something else. I know 2 year olds have a pretty short attention span so it helps to find something they really like and that they will do alone. My son likes to draw and he would draw while I did housework. At first it was only in the same room with me, then the same floor, and so on. She will gain independence, she just needs to feel comfortable doing so.
These are great ideas. Thanks!!!
I will definitely try these suggestions, and I do usually just end up holding her sometimes, convenient or not. I can try having her sit next to me or hold hands too.
I also never considered the teething thought. She teethed most of her teeth so early that it hadn't occurred to me there might still be more.
You mentioned you've done babywearing, do you have one of the carriers that could hold more weight? My 2-1/2 year old LOVES being in the back carry in my Beco, and it still allows me to get needed stuff done.
I think it's pretty normal. My dd will be 3 in July and she loves to cuddle. Have you considered cosleeping, maybe? We do for about half the night and my dd still likes lots of daytime cuddles too, so maybe it wouldn't make a difference. Summer coming will probably help; I know my dd is a lot more independent when she's outside. I know it can suck when you've got to get stuff done, but I wouldn't worry as far as her development or anything goes.
You mention she has lots of stimulus but does she have a place where there is none? The thought crossed my mind that maybe she's running to you to recharge when she gets overwhelmed by everything going on around her? I could be completely off here; just a thought.
She's two and you are still carrying her? Physiologically, her body is saying one thing, like, "I can do more for myself, and be proud of myself." Emotionally, she's still in the attachment phase. I like the theory of attachment parenting, but when my grandson was born, I found that he was one baby who did not like being carried around all the time. Now I find myself glad, because I don't think it's good for a mother's back to be carrying around a toddler most of the time. Does your two year old have any other children to play with? You mentioned you are single. Are you working? Is she at day care with many other children, and looking for relief when she sees you?
My little one is turning 2 in a few months and definitely in the cuddle-all-the-time stage. While it's certainly inconvenient for me, and my arms and back start to hurt, I just suck it up and cuddle with her and hold her. I'm currently pregnant and I almost wonder if she somehow understands that soon there will be a new baby around for me to cuddle with! I also just want to cherish this time as much as possible. I know as she grows older I won't really be able to cuddle her anymore and I know I will miss it! I've actually been looking into a Mei Tai or something so I can just stick her on my back while I do chores around the house. That way she gets to be held but my arms are still free.
@Kimis2cute@xanga - I am a proponent of attachment parenting. I've read Dr. Sears site, and agree with pretty much everything they say. Having said that, my kids are grown, and I never went through cuddling issues like we've discussed today. Everyday we had certain times for certain things, and they thoroughly enjoyed play time, with me, each other, others in the neighborhood, or, just alone. Just prior to nap, we'd snuggle up together, usually with a couple of books, and that was one of our cuddle times. I always gave lots of hugs, but I've always had a bad back, so the notion of wearing a two or three year old wouldn't have worked, and may have thwarted independence. Maybe not. But in my day the child didn't determine my entire daily routine. I wish I'd had the time, but they sure got more independent that way.
@Pollypinks@xanga - I'm not exactly sure why you directed this comment at me? Or you assuming my child is not independent and determines my entire daily routine? I'm not sure what lines you were reading between. Each and every child is different. Just because yours never went through a cuddle stage means nothing to other mommas who have experienced this. My daughter is the most independent toddler I know (just ask anyone who watches her at our church) and it has nothing to do with me holding or cuddling her. She just enjoys it. So what? Stopping to hold my two year old does not interrupt my entire day and is most times a welcome break from dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. . . I'm sorry, but your entire comment just comes of as rude and judgmental. I'm sorry that you had a bad back and wouldn't have been able to hold your children more, but not all of us have such afflictions and have the right to hold our children as much as we, or they, like.
Its a phase and will pass, for any regular healthy child and it sounds like she is. My little sister/cousins had serious issues when we got them, and it took a long time (about 6-7 years old) to get them to a point where they were ok not having constant contact with an adult and did not have to constantly be on your lap. For the first few months they would not go to sleep unless someone laid down with them, they were 3 when we got them. They didnt talk but for a few words (you really had to coax them mulitple times to say anything), they showed no emotion, they didnt want to eat, they would just sort of sit there and stare at you, they didnt play with toys if you were in the room, and carried security blankets for years. Their mother would randomly take off for days at a time and leave them. She would sometimes take them in the middle of the night, they were constantly waking up in new strange places, around complete strangers, with no stability, and bounced around from place to place until the courts took them. We ended up with them noone else in the family could take them and we didnt want them to go to a home. For three years they were neglected, malnourished, abused, and clinging was justified for them. It took a while for them to se sure of us and to understand they were ok, going to the store was a nightmare for 3-4 months they would start screaming as they were taken out to the car and the entire way to the store, they were so afraid they didnt know where they were going.
Let be begin by apologizing for offending you. It was not my intent, but obviously, after looking at my abrupt post, it was rude. I am sorry. No one but a mother knows what is in her heart, what she goes through, what her child goes through and is capable of, and what stage of development the child is at. Certain stages in children's development certainly do not mean squat in their abilities to function in life. So again, I do apologize, and hope you can find it in your heart to not smart so much from my post.
@Pollypinks@xanga - I actually have the great fortune to work from home, so she has never been to daycare. But we have lots of friends around, and there are a lot of kids close to her age. I'm not sure if I understood the question about carrying her. I do carry her about as often as not, but if it's an appropriate situation, I let her walk (making sure she holds my hand). But you are definitely right, I'm not as young as I used to be (almost 30) and my back does bother me every now and then if I've been doing a lot of lifting, which includes my daughter!
@everyone - I think we have determined that she's teething on one side. Which is nice, because at least there's a reason and I can work on doing things that help her!
Your child is very fortunate to have a hands on mommy during the day. The statistics tell us most little ones don't. For all of you out there who have to work, this does not mean you aren't a wonderful mother. You are absolutely doing the best you can. Please consider not carrying so much if your back is starting to bother you. Mine bothered me, and I ignored it, because I loved it so much when one of mine would want to climb up in my arms for what we called "lovies." And now, in my 50's, I have non-stop back pain problems that were exacerbated by those times when my little boy wanted to jump into my arms. I have learned, just from my own body, that I could have sat down, had him come to me, and held him that way. And then after a while, gently tell him mommy had to put him down. You'll want to have your back intact when your grand children come along as well! Oh, maybe she's too old for this, you all can tell me, but have you tried a Sassy teether for her teething pain?
@quidam2010@xanga - I find that sometimes it's not so much that you're declining her cuddles but it's HOW you do it.
It's really hard because I tend to just respond with "I can't, I'm busy" etc etc... which of course is going to leave the child feeling rejected and more upset and MORE clingy. but i find that if i react different then i get a different response. Instead of telling him no i'm too busy i'll give him a very quick hug and a kiss on the head then have him bring some crayons and work books and work on that while i cook and we can talk and spend time together. i find i get much better response out of him than if i just "shut him down" right away. or i'll tell him that he'll have to wait and i'll give him a hug after i'm done whatever i'm doing.
It could be her molars as someone else has mentioned, but i think what you mentioned in your post about her just realizing that she's growing up and separate from you could be a huge factor into why she's acting this way.
@quidam2010@xanga - those 2yr molars are a bugger (my dentist compares it to wisdom teeth for adults) ... =) It took 6 months for my son's to come in, and he hit a big growth spurt at the same time. I made home made juice and yogurt pops to help him get through it. You are doing great!
Thank you guys for all the feedback! I am happy to report that my LO's teeth have broken through (on one side at least) and she has been VERY HAPPY for several days now!
It's so hard to know just what is going on with our kids before they're old enough to have a conversation about it...
Thanks for being such a positive community. :)