Wednesday, 29 February 2012
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Talking With Children About Death

They are just kids. Young, free, innocent. They live in a world where everything is okay because we as parents, protect them. We hide the bad, exaggerate the good, and let them think that the world is perfect. But at what age to you shatter that bubble? What age do you tell them Santa isn't real and the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy do not exist? Those are the easy questions. How about what age to you explain what Death is too them, or tell that that a loved one or pet died?
This past Sunday, Our kitten Chewy passed away on the way to the vet. He was breathing when we left with him, and the kids all said their goodbyes and their get well's, expecting him to come home feeling better because 'doctor's make everything better.' Or at least that's what we tell them to get them to co-operate during doctor appointments. So when I came home without the kitten, naturally they had a million questions. Where is Chewy? Is he better? Why didn't he come home with you? Faced with the indecision of explaining to them that Chewy was too sick to get better, or lying to them to keep them from feeling the pain? At what age to you tell the truth.
I sat the boys down and explained to them that when they are sick they want their mommies to make them feel better and that was what Chewy wanted. He wanted his mommy to make him feel better so the doctor took Chewy back to his mommy because his mommy missed him very much. Then I told them that Chewy wanted me to tell them goodbye, and I gave all three of them a really big hug and kiss for him.
After they had run off to play my nephew Justin who will be five in April, came up to me and said "Aunty, Chewy died didn't he?". I sat there not knowing what to say, but he came to me for the truth and I didn't know what to do. I sat him down and explained to him that when we found Chewy he was sick inside, but the doctors didn't know because they had never seen Chewy before and that when they first looked him over he seemed okay. I told him that unfortunately Chewy couldn't get better, but he was in a happy place where he would be hugged and kissed and cuddled every day. I also explained to him that he couldn't tell the younger boys that Chewy was in heaven because they were too young to understand.
I worried and questioned if I had done the right thing or not by telling him the truth, and explaining death to him. Later that night my two year old son was crying for Chewy because he always came to bed with us, and slept in our room. Justin walked up to him and sat him down on the stairs hugging him and told him that Chewy was with his mommy, he was feeling much better, he was happy and he was thinking of all of us. I cried silently to myself while watching him comfort his baby cousin and now I no longer question if I did the right thing or not.
How old do you think a child should be before you open up and talk to them about death?
If you've had to talk to your child about the loss of a pet, please share your experience.
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Comments (17)
I faced a similar situation this past summer. Our beloved German Shepard, Brandy, whom was 7 years old suddenly get very sick, for about 2 weeks we battled with what we thought was worms, then a minor infection. They day after the 4th of July she suddenly just would not move, eat, or do anything. We rushed her to the vet and he determined that she had a tumor and it had ruptured and there was nothing we could do. We had to put her down. It was honestly the most awful thing I've ever had to do ( I still cry about it today.) This dog was my first child in my eyes.
Coming home to my children without her was the 2nd worst thing I've ever experienced. My daughter, who was only 1.5, didn't know much else besides, "Where's Brandy?" but my son, who is 4, and was extremely attached to Brandy had more questions. At the time we opted for a vague but slight truth of, "Brandy had a very bad bellyache, the doctor couldn't make her feel better and she is not coming home." It worked well, not many questions about where she had gone, but just mentions that my son missed her and wanted her back.
We have a new dog now and it seems to help. She is nowhere as good as a dog as what Brandy was, but the mentions of Brandy have decreased to almost none. It pains me to see her forgotten but I know she's in a better place now and I know my son has been able to process the loss with the new dog easier.
I admit that I am going to be the parent who avoids the conversation as long as possible by avoiding getting pets and hopefully my relatives will continue their genetic tendencies of living a long time. I will just let my husband handle it because I am the type of person that will not even go to a funeral. I might go to the wake if people are being cheerful, but if I know there is going to be crying, I am not going.
So, I have decided to handle death by just pretending it doesn't exist and mentioning something about reincarnation if they press the issue.
We have lost a dog--but I explained that she was sick and very old and went to heaven. However, this was just weeks before my Grandmother passed away from a very brave, but difficult battle with cancer--so we were preparing my boys for what was to come. So--I think it is different--we had already explained that sometimes dr's can't fix boo-boo's and they have to go to heaven. My oldest son knows this--and asks about my Grandma and says she is an angel watching over us. It is definitely a hard thing to talk about. We believe in Heaven, so it makes things a little bit easier! I however, know there are several good books out there for young children on the loss of a pet!! Might be worth a look!
My first serious encounter with death was when I was 5. Not for a pet though. My brother died at 3 days old. I honestly didn't get it. My parents didn't know how to cope themselves so showing us three kids how was out of the question.
I think if and when I have kids that we will approach death differently. I will tell them that it is ok to mourn and be sad but that the person or pet is not sick anymore and is happy. But, I can say all this now and have no clue how to do it years down the road!Our labrador died this past November. It was very difficult for all of us, she had been in our family for 7 years. We weren't sure if it was the rabies shot (she had gotten it the previous day and really wasn't herself at all) or if it was a seizure. She had them occasionally. I think it was a seizure that caused her to have a stroke but if it was related to the shot, I can't say. She died after the kids were in bed and we called a sitter to stay with them so we could bury her. We just decided that honesty was the best policy. My son won't remember her, he was only 18 months old. But my daughter is 3 and she's a very mature 3. We told her that Kisses (the dog) had gotten sick during the night and she died. We told her that it was a sickness in the dog's head and we weren't able to fix it. We also assured her that it was something that only dogs get, not people. Of course, that was a little lie, since we all know that people do have seizures and strokes that kill them. But we didn't want her to worry about "getting sick" too and we can explain that there are differences when she's older. She was very upset about it and kept asking for us to take the dog to the doctor to get better. It took a while for her to understand that the dog wasn't coming home. We also had to reassure her that it wasn't her fault, that it wasn't something that she did. She kept saying "maybe if I had petted her more...". It really was just as heartbreaking to see her struggle to understand as it was to lose the dog. But we didn't want to tell her that Kisses went to a farm to live because then she would be hurt that the dog didn't want to live with her anymore and wouldn't understand why we couldn't go visit. It's been a few months now and she still talks about how her dog died and how that makes her feel. But she understands that death means not coming back. I'm not really sure if she entirely understands the actual concept of death but as far as a 3 year old goes, that's about all the understanding they need.
On a lighter note, while we do have the honest is best policy, my husband sometimes has trouble keeping it. My daughter knows the proper names for anatomy and likes to embarrass my husband (on purpose) by asking him if he has a penis or a vagina. He just plugs his ears and says "lalalalala, go ask your mom." over and over again.
I dont think there is a particular age to talk about death, it should be up to the kid if possible. Of course i will explain it honestly and clearly to my daughter if a situation were to arise before she has a clear understanding if she even needs it explained, death seems to have an instinctual understanding to it tho. I dont reacall having it explained to me, i found my grandmas pet bird dead when i was two years old. My parents said i came to them and said birdy is sleeping, she is dead they were shocked i understood what was going on. There is a reaction humans seem to naturally have when we find something dead we stop, get wide eyed, and kinda just stay in pause mode until we are sure. I have been asked by children why death happens but never what it is. I told them sometimes somenes body it too sick, or hurt or gets old and wears out and it cant work anymore. Then of course comes the what happens to you when you die (in terms of spirit) which is a little more complicated but when my daughter asks i will explain what i belive and let her know she can believe whatever she wants since noone really knows. Death is the only sure thing in life so avoiding the topic or fearing death wont help anything, instead we should all live everyday like it could be our last, we never know when our number is up.
I think you handled it well. :) Much better than I would have. I don't know how I'd explain death to my kids.
My boys lost their first pet (the cat I had since college) a few years ago, and the eldest was just 3. I told him that Peeka had to go to the doctor because he was really sick, and then later explained that the doctor couldn't do anything to make him better. There was me crying and long pauses, but he gave me a hug and said, "Mama, it's okay. He feels better now," like he understood exactly what I was saying. He's almost 6 now and he still remembers that. Since then we've lost a fish, but they were a little more excited about getting to flush him than anything.
They know that pets don't live as long as we do, and that they come in our lives to share something special with us for a short time. We take care of them, and they love us and protect us. We've briefly touched on people dying, but they know that everything good goes to a happy place.
Last Spring we had to put our old boy down... he was 13, and a wonderful dog.
We had gotten a new puppy in January, and our house was very busy.. and we would talk to our son about how Yeager was getting very old, and very tired. He was at daycare one day when the dog got really sick (I will spare details) and I had to call my husband home from work. He took the dog to the vet, and we let him go. It was a very sad day.. i still miss that dog.. he was goofy, but a Dachshund/Black lab cross and such a sweetheart.
Our son (who was 3 and half at the time) asked where Yeager was when he came home, and I decided to be honest with him. I told him that Yeager had been very old, and very sick, and tired. And daddy took him to the vet who helped him go to doggy heaven. And there he would be young and happy again.
For us, it was the best answer we could have given him.
We've always been very honest with our kids about death. We even got our son a fish for his birthday one year with the sole purpose of teaching him about death in a non-traumatic way (along with responsibility, although guess who ended up cleaning that fish bowl for over a year because the fish refused to serve it's purpose, lol).
When the fish died, we talked about it, and flushed it (seeing the fish go down the toilet made it very real and permanent for my son). We've also talked about death happening to people and have used the "someday when we die, because everyone will die someday but we hope that it won't happen for a long long time" explanation.
In my opinion, telling the kids the truth about death is the best policy. If we sugar coat it or make up euphemisms (he went away, he's on a trip, etc.) makes it more scary. What if mommy has to go away? Will she come back? When Rover went away, he never came back.
But, we are also a military family and have gone through two deployments so we've always been super careful about making promises about always coming home, etc. Death is sad, but it's a part of life too. Having our kids know about it early won't hurt them (unless you go into gory details), but, on the other hand, sugar coating it won't make it hurt any less when they are older either.
I'll admit that I don't have kids, but I've thought about this very thing often.
My opinion is that you should always tell your kids the truth. They have to live in the real world. Not being acquainted with reality isn't doing them any favors.
I believe it is important to be open and honest with children. Don't beat around the bush and don't lie. They have a right to know.
I was born when my brother was on chemo, he was 12 years older then I was, but I was born into a stressful situation and where lots of the people I knew around me where passing away since I spent a lot of time in the hospital with my brother. My parents never hid the facts from me. When I was 8 my brother passed away from cancer and my parents did give me a fairy tail, they told me point blank, asked if I had questions etc.
When my mom died, I was 21 and my niece was 10, she was really close with my mom and took it hard, my sister "beat around the bush" so my niece came to me and I just told her honestly, she wanted to know the hows and whys and I didn't hold back. And now she is 13 and very greatful.
My father-in-law passed away this past January. All three of our kids (ages 3, 5, &7) attended the wake and the funeral. Our oldest was the only one who truly understood and felt sorrow. Our 5 year old was curious, but not emotional. And our youngest, I think felt a little closure being able to physically see where his papa was. If you ask him, to this day, he'll tell you he's "sleeping in his bed".. Our oldest will tell you he's up in heaven, giving the other angels hair cuts (he owned a barbershop). Our middle child will tell you he's underground now, in his bed. And the youngest will say he's sleeping. Death is a part of life. There's no need to shelter kids from it because honestly they can only grasp so much of it anyways, and I think that the bit that they do grasp at a young age will help them understand more clearly as they get older.
Alright, so I am not a parent myself yet, however I remember when I was roughly seven years old & my mom had that type of talk with me. Our dog Kimmie had been very sick with a tumor on her liver & while I was away at school, my mom had taken her in & had her put down. :[ When I got home, I remember asking "Where's Kimmie??" & my mom sat me down on the sofa & very gently explained to me that Kimmie wasn't coming home. She didn't sugarcoat it at all. She believed that if she sugarcoated it a lot or whatever, it would make me more confused & even
fearfulof death. I understood, as much as a seven year old could..that this was natural part of life..I didn't have to worry it would happen to me anytime soon, my mom told me how healthy I was, but it was also okay to cry & screaming & be sad over the loss of our beloved pet.
I grew up understanding that death happens & it's natural & to not fear it. Can I say that the parenting technique my mom gave me as a child is helpful & will work for every child? No. Everyone is different. All I know is she did this for me & I grew up a pretty well-adjusted kid.
Back in the day kids read the Wizard of Oz with all the mutilation the movie left out, and creepy-ass fairy tales.
When my first husband passed away, our daughter was only one and a half. She was old enough to notice that Daddy never came home, but too young to voice any real concerns. When I overheard someone try to explain to her that she'll see her daddy again soon, I was furious. I made it a point to be truthful with whatever questions she may have at any point in her life. My daughter is five and a half now and as tough as it has been sometimes, I've always answered her little girl questions with (slightly modified) grown up answers. She knows her dad died, she knows where babies come out from (she took that answer a little rough), she knows about hatred and racism, and she knows about gay and straight. Some people disagree with some of the things I've said to her, but my answers were nothing but the truth. I figure she's going to find out the truth eventually, I'd rather her be able to trust me and my knowledge.
I don't think any age is too young. If the child is old enough to miss the pet, or person, they can process the facts if given to them age appropriately.
Here's what i did with my daughter when we had one of our dogs get hit and die.http://alle-in-ashe.xanga.com/755238896/explaining-death-to-an-almost-3-year-old/