Let me just throw this out there before I begin: I am not a mother. So I know that I don't have that magic touch, nor do I have that odd parental wisdom that seems to come to most women when they become mothers. However I do know a thing or two about children as I have been a nanny for the past three years.
Inspired by my love for children I decided to volunteer to help in my church's Wednesday night nursery. It started out with just me but now I have a helper, so its not quite so crazy and really, in all honesty, is fun. Something I have noticed is that each child is unique in how they deal with the initial shock of their mother or father leaving them in the nursery.
As you can suspect there are those kids who can't wait to get their hands on all the new toys that they only get to play with once or twice a week and there are also those who cry endlessly until their parent returns and there are kids who are a mix of everything in between. Tonight there were four boys who exemplified very well the point I'm trying to make.
Boy 1: He wasn't too thrilled that his mom was leaving him, especially since there weren't any kids to play with yet. Also he was more tired than usual so he cried until we were able to entertain him with building block towers and knocking them down. For the rest of the hour he would occasionally start to get a little sad looking but would find a new toy that would distract him. But he was still excited for mom at the end.
Boy 2: His grandmother stayed for a bit with him to make sure he was playing happily before she left. And when she did he was oblivious to it all and played pleasantly for most of the time. However when mom wanted to come in and check on him (since that was his first time in the nursery) he cried because she picked him up to hug him and talk to him a bit then set him back down and left. He was kind of weepy the rest of the time and was happy only when mom returned.
Boy 3: His dad came and said "You know the drill." He quickly set him down and left. Immediately the boy started crying, which is what he always does. One of us usually just holds him until we can find a toy that distracts him from his tears and he's perfectly fine the rest of the night.
Boy 4: He wasn't in the nursery at all tonight. In fact his parents gave up long ago. They would bring him in, play with him for a bit, then sneak out when his back was turned. He'd cry and cry and cry and cry... It was to the point where he wasn't breathing right because he'd get himself so worked up. So his parents decided that it wasn't worth it and gave up trying. So tonight his mom stood outside the nursery holding him while we played happily inside.
Since I hope to some day be a mom I'd like to know:
Is there a way to prepare your kids for short time spent away from mom and dad? I know things like daycare or hiring a babysitter work because its long term and kids get used to it but I feel like every week its a struggle to remind some kids that hanging out in the nursery is fun and mom/dad always comes back.
What do you think? Is it possible to train your kids to trust others when mom and dad need to leave? Or is it just something they have to learn the hard way and get used to?
Does age affect this at all?
Does stay-at-home parenting affect it?
How about birth order?
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Comments (13)
My son is going though separation anxiety like crazy. Every time we bend a corner or go to the bathroom, he freaks. I have been a stay at home mom for a while now, and I do believe that has something to do with it. We have been moving, as well, and I think the uprooting kind of freaked him out. Just as a side note, even before I became a mom, I had this "magic touch" that you speak of, and I used to tell folks I HATED kids. I remember working in the church nursery once (ironically) and this little girl wouldn't stop crying - she had bad separation anxiety. Every one of the workers had held her, tried to calm her down, sing to her - nothing worked. I walked in, and the person holding her at the time handed her to me and said "I give up." Not two minutes after holding her, she calmed down, and five minutes later, she was asleep.
Working in childcare, we used to tell parents that if you're going to start your child in day care or leaving them with a caregiver they aren't used to, visits beforehand help most kids. (Not all). Bring them in for a few days before hand with you, and let them get used to the environment before you leave them. My son doesn't care about environment. If he doesn't see me or his father, or any other close family member, he freaks - even at the grandparents' house. Most kids will become attached to a person, sometimes for no reason at all. There are many factors that contribute to separation anxiety - age, environment, temperament. It's just a phase that you have to have a lot of patience for.
My daughter is one who will not let go. I walk her into the room and she is attatched to my leg. There is no way for me to leave unless the teacher physically takes her off of me. She is fine after that, but getting her to stay is pretty difficult. I have learned to be a fast dasher. She is in pre-school and does that fine (they come get the kids out of the cars at drop off). I think it is because there are different teachers at church every time she goes.
First of all, i think the story you told about the parents sneaking out was not what they should have done. Of course he would feel abandoned!! You should always say goodbye and tell them you will be back soon. Yes they will cry, but hopefully it's temporary.
I am a stay at home mom and i have tried really hard to make sure my kids are cared for by someone other than me on a regular basis. I work out so they have gone to the gym nursery 5 days a week since they were 12 weeks old. This is key and my oldest never did go through a bad time separating from me because she was used to the routine. I've noticed that kids who are never left with someone else and are suddenly then dropped off somewhere have a harder time. My advice would be to start early in leaving your kids with someone...even if it's just an hour a day here or there.
I agree with Shamrocklover...I definitely find it best to tell your child you are leaving, and that you will be back shortly. It's better they are aware, than to discover your suddenly gone!
I have an 8 month old daughter, and she already suffers a bit from seperation anxiety. I am a stay at home mom, so that probably contributes quite a bit to it. I take her to the gym nursery a few days a week. At first she would cry, and she would cry from the moment I dropped her off until the moment I walked in the door. I always give her a kiss, and tell her that I will be right back, and now that she's a little more familiar with the place and the people she does a lot better. So I think it takes a lot of patience, and perseverance. I definitely don't find it wise that those parents just gave up either... they are eventually going to have to leave their child with someone for some reason.
my 16month old is such a social butterfly that she doesn't really care if i leave her in the nursery. she loves the toys, and she is uber adorable so she gets all sorts of attention (and if she does get upset her blanket and a cracker pretty much fixes anything)... my son was the same way.. but it helps that I help in the nursery once every 4 weeks.
This I have learned from the 11 fosterbabes that I have had in the nursery, or child minding at the gym i go to.. if they feel that you are nervous about leaving them, they will get more upset. Stay calm, give kisses and cuddles, and say I'll be back soon. And then leave.. dont come back and check on them because you can guarantee that the moment you do is right after they started having fun. If they need you, the staff will come get you.I have worked in daycare for five years. The best way to leave a child is to just drop him off, tell him goodbye, and go. No lingering, or sneaking off. Sneaking off only works once or twice before they know, and lingering makes the separation harder. The easiest thing to do is to just drop and go, and parent number four made the situation worse by always coming back. She trained her child to cry until she came back for him. If they child learned that no matter how much they are crying mommy is not going to come running back they will branch out and find toys and other children to distract them.
Oh man. When I was real little, my step mom and dad and brother and i all went to church and I don't remember what exactly happened but I was not pleased about being away from them and i ran out of the nursery and someone picked me up and i was like banging on the door and screaming and crying and finally the preacher pastor, whatever i don't know who he was, opended it and they let me go and i ran down the isle to my step mom and dad hahaha.
@redangl83@xanga - This is true.
There is no way to train your kid not to have separation anxiety. We have 3 kids. I've been home with all 3. With all 3 I did what conventional parenting wisdom tells you to do: I told my kids "Mommy will be back soon," kissed them, made no fuss and left. 1 of my kids couldn't have cared less and was completely excited to play with toys and friends. 1 of my kids had good days and bad days and cried occasionally. My 3rd kid cried all the way through Mother's Day Out, preschool, preK and the first week of Kindergarten. Now she loves Kindergarten and never cries, thank goodness, but still can be clingy with me in unusual situations. We gave up on the church nursery and the gym babysitting altogether with #3 because it just wasn't worth it. It's much harder on you and them if it's less frequent and the caregivers change. She did much better in preschool with a five-day a week schedule from 9-12 than she did with a Tues/Thurs schedule from 9-2.
Not a mom, but I worked in Sunday School as a "teacher" for two year olds for 4 years. This took me back! It was so fun, being with the kids. One girl in particular was very attached to me. I found out later that she was autistic. Such a sweetheart.
Anyway, I hated when parents would come in. Of course, it is their right to do so, but I found that the ones who quickly dropped their children off and said goodbye had the best results. Their kids didn't get as worked up.
But I have no idea what parents can do at home to help. I suspect that no matter what you do, the first times will always be hard.
Mine is four months and he loves going to creche at the gym and staying with friends when I do other stuff, but I guess he's too young to really know... hopefully starting early though will mean that he wont mind it when he's older. Of course, I hope i'm always his favorite (well, i'm not - his dad is I think) and he's always happy to see me come back for him lol
Anyway, I hated when parents would come in. Of course, it is their right to do so, but I found that the ones who quickly dropped their children off and said goodbye had the best results.Jewelry cards
Metal labelsFabric labelsZip PullersBarcode labelsShoes hangersMetal buttonsJewelry tagsSize hangersshoes hooksNeither of my kids have had a touch of separation anxiety. When my youngest first entered his 3 year old room at church, he was excited that he wasn't with the babies anymore! When we picked him up after services, the teachers told us that he was consoling a little girl who was terrified that her mother had left her.
I think separation anxiety just has to deal with how comfortable the child feels with his/her own independence. I've been a stay at home mom for the majority of my kids' lives, and they're both incredibly independent and have been since they were babies. Who knows if it's due to how they were raised or if it's just how they are, but I don't think that any one "thing" can affect it.
I always point to the child's attachment to the parents first. A child who is securely attached trusts mom or dad to come back (this is definitely affected by age, however!), and the way the parent leaves the child gives you clues as to if the child is secure or not. I've always wanted to write a pamphlet for parents on attachment, and ways to promote it at home first, and then also while leaving the child in the nursery. The slip-out and drop-and-run methods definitely don't help the child's trust in the parent!