Wednesday, 25 January 2012
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Parenting Mistakes When Talking To Your Teen
This is a particularly difficult subject to discuss because it’s easy for one to come off looking like a smug know-it-all when discussing it. Even just the tittle “Common Parenting Mistakes” taken the wrong way looks like a sanctimonious line dripping with condescension.
It’s a lot easier for me with the families of my students because they know me well enough to know that I’m not like that. Besides, they actually pay me for advice where as you’re just reading some nut’s ranting on the internet.
In helping parents to overcome obstacles with their kids, I’ve notice many repeat mistakes over time. I try not to Monday-morning-quarterback my clients, but I do want to provide the best advice that I have available, so it’s a fine line I have to walk. But I cannot avoid it. With that in mind, here are a few of the mistakes I frequently see parents make:
Don't ever expect to accomplish anything with your teen/child if either of you are angry. I see people try that a lot. When you're angry you're simply not going to be reasonable and you're not going to be compassionate. I don't care if you're the most reasonable and compassionate person on earth you're still going to end up saying something you'll regret. And when they're angry, they're simply not going to be listening to you. This is a recipe for disaster no matter how you spin it. Take some real time to cool off, and then come back to the issue you’re disputing over.
- You should make a habit out of speaking in positives. In other words, rather than saying: "Don't do this, don't do that", tell them what you want them to do. So many parents drive themselves crazy by saying things like "Don't jump on the couch" when it's far more effective to skip the "don't" and just say, "sit on your fanny." It sounds silly but it really does work more than not. There is a psychological component to this, and that’s why it works.
- I never let my students get away with: "I don't know!" Many parents have expressed shock with me over the years with this. I'll say to them, "Tell me anything other than that, even if you have to make something up." That's not encouraging them to lie BTW. There's going to be an element of truth to whatever they say. Even if they chose to lie. But they will almost certainly never make that choice. What's important is that you get them to give you something to work with. "I don't know" is a way they use to couch their actions in a way they don't have to think about them. Your goal is to get them to think.
- Believe it or not it’s a bad idea to ask, "who did it?" (Especially with teenagers) Instead, ask for help fixing the issue, then tell all involved why you were hurt by what happened. Choose your battles, and laying blame is not an important battle, but letting them see why whatever happened effects everyone will make them feel like a shmuck. That's their conscience bothering them. And that's what you want.
- If you want them to learn from their mistakes don't treat punishment like punishment. Treat it like a natural consequence of their actions. Easiest way to do that is by keeping the consequences Reasonable, Respectful, and Related to their actions. For example, you might say that if you do X then that means you have to do Y to "set it right". Even more so, it never hurts to let them help you determining what their consequences will be. That help them feel like they have a little control, and also it put’s them in a position where they’re already behind the rule that you don’t want them to break. They’ll feel like a hypocrite if they go back and break it.
- You should make a habit out of speaking in positives. In other words, rather than saying: "Don't do this, don't do that", tell them what you want them to do. So many parents drive themselves crazy by saying things like "Don't jump on the couch" when it's far more effective to skip the "don't" and just say, "sit on your fanny." It sounds silly but it really does work more than not. There is a psychological component to this, and that’s why it works.
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About the Author
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- From: Nidan
- Name: Jim Monnin
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- About Me: I'm a Martial arts instructor, and an advisor to the parents who hire me. I have a lot of experience at teaching, and a great reputation as a mentor. I've been with the Xanga community since 2003.
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Comments (17)
I absolutely agree with your comment about not pressing the issue when either party is angry. nothing will be accomplished. We already try to make our consequenses directly related to the problem, which is why we have taken the position to never ground our son. He does have other privileges removed but not grounded per se. I like your comments. i think they are appropriate and helpful ways to consider behavior with teens, who are challenging for even the most capable, loving parent!
Not talking when you're angry and avoiding blame-dispensation are important even when dealing with adults; it's a guideline that applies to people in general. When you're tired or angry, you aren't thinking clearly. When you try to place blame on someone, you put them on the defensive. And it's very, very rare that the blame is actually one-sided and actually matters.
I think it depends on the kid, I cannot have the kind of parent who tells me what to do... at all. my mother is that way, the only time i screw up is when shes in my face. My father dosnt tell me what to do and we are veryr close.He knows every possible thing about me. Gotta let your kid grow on its own if they show they can. Im a 4.0 student with great acheivements and goals I have met.. Some kids need space.. If you screw up fix it, if you didnt win try harder, can count your buddies on one hand expand socially, tips are good, gotta have the space, hate in your face parents. (: You did a great post!
After seeing one of my sisters grow up, wax psychotic and then do unspeakable things in our community, I can't agree with anything in this post.
You can try your best at parenting but in the end, it's not your fault if your child ends up a raging lunatic, hell bent on destroying themselves all in the name of 'self expression'.
My sister, whenever she did something, mostly involving stealing, she'd be asked things and no matter what you tried to do, her answer would always be, 'I don't know'. She would give you this blank "I'm Not Really Here But OK" stare and that was that.
She's been that way since she was six years old. And while our family was tight knit, supportive and caring she walked all over each and every one of us.
My mother raises us with a very open mindset, told us about the 'real world', ya know, the one conservatives are so afraid of us kids hearing about? She would tell us to respect ourselves, to abstain from sex until we're old enough to really know what we're doing. She'd tell us how hard it is to take care of a child, my having been her first at 19. She told us how to stand up for ourselves, to be an individual, to not get mixed up with the riff-raff at school.
We were not allowed to leave the house whenever we wanted. We didn't party, go shopping after school, hang out with friends on the weekends or go off on trips and what not.
In our earlier years, throughout elementary school, there would be a few sleepovers or birthday parties but the crazier the world got, the more my mother didn't want us by ourselves.
And so, we thought, she'd never turn out like 'those' kids, if you know what I mean.
Come to find out, she left the house whenever she pleased....at five o clock in the morning when, normally, people sleep. She'd leave our garage open, the door inside unlocked.
I won't go into detail concerning everything else but in the end, I told my mom constantly that it wasn't her fault. She did everything she could in her power to raise a good child.
But from what I've seen, it's up to the individual what happens. No matter what you do, if they choose to go against you, they will and no amount of professional parenting tips is going to fix it.
i like this! i'm not a parent. but i would definitely use this advice when i do. :)
@aka_human@xanga - that sucks for her & stuff. but.. "We were not allowed to leave the house
whenever we wanted. We didn't party, go shopping after school, hang out
with friends on the weekends or go off on trips and what not." ---that's pretty hard to make friends or keep up relationships outside the household. I had to rebel a bunch of times because I felt like my parents wanted to control my way of living life. So I left & we're still on good terms (but I'm an adult now, of course and was adult age when I left).
I fully agree with this post. I feel like the comments above are using too specific of an ideal. In general terms the original post is a great jumping off point. OF COURSE there will be acceptations. OF COURSE it will need to be melded for specific kids.
I wish my older sister would wise up and use this as a jumping off point. She is horribly negative with her children and my 12 year old niece is showing big signs of it and it breaks my heart.
I do what I can for her and I go out of my way to create a loving environment.
My parents mostly raised me as such. Positive, Loving, Supportive and most of all, giving me the space I needed to grow as an adult. I would not change a single thing about how they raised me.
@tsuki_dragon@xanga -
I grew up not being allowed to do much and my parents did rule my social life, and in turn, they opened up there home to my friends and we spent most of our days under her wing, laughing, eating yummy Mom food and what not. I wouldn't change it for the world, and neither would any of my friends.
There can be a balance, it just needs to be found. I never really rebelled myself so I can't relate to what that would be like, but I can see it happening in my 12 almost 13 year old niece already.. yikes.
God I hate this article. I've read it several times now, as it's been posted in the past, and always the thing that grates on me is the "I don't know" schtick. Many times, it's hard for kids, especially teens because of all the bodily and social changes they're going through, to find the correct way to express a complex or passionate thought. Also, a lot of times, kids do things not thinking of the how, or the why, or what the consequences will be.
Also, it's entirely possible and effective to raise a child without once punishing them. But don't take my word for it. Take some child and developmental psychology classes about it.
I always really hate it when people try to downplay other peoples feelings, especially to kids/teenagers. What I mean by this/an exampe is a teenager let's say being upset that they can't go out and do something because they have a family function to go to - and the parent goes "you know what, a lot of people don't even have families and you can't even spend any time with them!" You know what, that teenager's main focus is their friends - and that's okay. That's a part of their life.
Another one was when I was volunteering at a group home, the kids would often complain about how they hated living in a group home/having to eat healthy meals/not being able lto have friends over, and a lot of the workers would say things like "well, I don't see why you're complaining - some people don't have a house to even live in! or they don't have real meals at the table every night!" But, you know what? It sucks living in a group home, having to be moved away, and the situations these kids came from. It sucks having people watch over you 24/7 and not having a person constantly with you. And it sucks when all your friends bring pizza pockets to school and you have to bring a stupid egg salad sandwich because that's what the guidelines say you can eat.
@HopeWithinReach@xanga - that's pretty awesome! a cousin has the same situation where people mostly just go to his house. my mom wouldn't let anybody sleep over or come over either -_-;;..i ended up eventually getting fed up & snuck people in and snuck out.. LoL.
I agree. there's a balance but there are situations where people are just unfortunate. (I've heard some pretty extreme cases).
@Mangonese@xanga - My son used "I don't know" as an escape just as it's outlined in this article. It always irked me. "I don't know" was how he shirked responsibility. It was how he exited difficult conversations. It was how he avoided telling the truth.
Finally, when we were in therapy, the therapist told me that "I don't know" is never an acceptable answer. NEVER. So We were able to have real conversations and have actual discussions and have him see and take responsibility for his actions.The one instance that stands out in my mind was when he was in 9th grade. He was on Probation at the time and all his daily activities were strictly monitored. He came home from school one day saying "In three weeks there is a field trip. I don't know where and i don't know when and i don't know how much it costs." So i told him to find out the information and we'd talk with his PO. It ended up that he came home the day before going " I know how much it costs. I know it's tomorrow."
So i asked, "Where?"
and his answer was still "I don't know."
I told him that I don't know is never an appropriate answer.
He raged about how he couldn't give me information he didn't have, so i asked why he didn't have the information? weren't there a plethora of adults at school, any of whom would be able to supply him with the info he needed?
He stormed off and didn't get to go on the field trip but the idea was there: If you are supposed to have information, HAVE IT.
If you are supposed to share information, SHARE IT.
and if that information is unknown to you, FIND IT.
I don't know is NEVER an appropriate response.
Even if a person behaves without understanding why they did it, what the consequences would have been, how the outcome would have played out, that person can say more than "I don't know."
My son did something horrible, without thinking through any of the aforementioned. His answer for why: "I don't know." when his answer really was :" I wanted to do it and didn't think i'd get caught."
His answer for what he thought would happen if he'd gotten caught? "I don't know." When his answer really was "I know i would have gotten in trouble somehow."
His answer for the consequences that came after? "I don't know." which is nearly understandable as There's no way he could have known the consequences would be so dire. But, his answer really should have been "I didn't think anything was going to happen to me because of doing what i did because i didn't think i'd get caught."I don't know is NEVER an appropriate answer.
"@aka_human@xanga - We were not allowed to leave the house
whenever we wanted. We didn't party, go shopping after school, hang out
with friends on the weekends or go off on trips and what not.
In our
earlier years, throughout elementary school, there would be a few
sleepovers or birthday parties but the crazier the world got, the more
my mother didn't want us by ourselves."
If that was my mother I would rebel too. She sounds crazy overprotective and that would be a perfect reason to break off from the family and try to create a life of your own.
i love number two. im not a mother but i can see how this will help when i nanny and tutor
@Mangonese@xanga - This article has not been posted before. Portions of it were part of another article I did a while back, (which that other article originated from my facebook) but I wrote the above myself.
The portions that are reused are simply advice that coincides with the subject, and consistently work from family to family. This same advice is recomened by other experts in the field as well.
@nikkijayxoxo@xanga - Yeah and I'm sure a life of one's own meant indulging in promiscuous, unprotected sex, having sex in exchange for drugs and consuming alcohol on a daily basis, underage, in secret and giving the rest of the world hell because you just so happened to wake up with a hangover. On a daily basis at that, too. My gosh and let's not forget the withdrawal from the non consistent supply of drugs that left you pissed off, too and somehow that's the family's fault. (Well, according to my sister, you know, we're the bad guys. But I digress.)
I don't see how that can be justified, I really don't. But like I've mentioned elsewhere, I wasn't going into detail but in this case, I felt it was needed.
And I may have worded my response a little too uptight. We did go places but it was nowhere near as frequent as our classmates. They would do things away from the home on a daily basis and we didn't and somehow that made our mother look 'strict' but now I see it as necessary.
I'd also like to mention that she was probably grounded at least every month. She wouldn't do any of her chores, which were minimal. And when she'd be denied an outing because of her rebellious attitude around the house (doing nothing, waking up late, causing trouble with younger siblings, mouthing, living in a dung heap) she'd go off on us and act as if it's all our fault that she never did anything. Oh and let's not get started on her grades! 8D
Blah, blah, blah, more details aside, she was a problem child. Thankfully, she's no longer here. The drugs, the people she's, for lack of a better phrase, 'screwed over': we didn't need that near us, near our home, near my younger siblings. They're still in elementary school!
Regardless of how someone wants to turn things into 'Well Maybe You Should Have Done This And Not That' there is still no way that someone can tell me her behavior was justified.
@Alle_in_Ashe@xanga - The "I don't know" phrase would drive my sister's father up a wall, figuratively speaking. The frustration is indescribable! I don't get how people can use it as an answer though. It just makes someone look really ignorant.