Thursday, 19 January 2012
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Tips: Dealing With A Bully
Last week I got into a really involved conversation with a couple whose kid is having bully issues. They found out I’m a martial arts teacher and quickly started to question me on the subject of bullies. I have a particular dislike for bullies, so I was more than happy to help them as much as I can.
Most of you already know that there are several services that I always try to provide for free. The biggest of those services is my anti-bully course. I keep a copy of the out-line to the course on my Face-book, so if you would like more details, you can find them there.
Typically I can get a teen or pre-teen through my program in six to ten weeks, and I work with the parents as well as the student in providing strategies to deal with their situations. But I will work longer with them if need be.
The key is that when they are finished, they have very specific skills, and knowledge, coupled with a grade of confidence that will put them on a superior foot to the bully.
I do want to emphasize that the course is NOT about” kicking the bully’s butt”. Though sometimes it may come to that, most of the time these situations can be resolved in other less violent ways. And believe it or not Karate is about finding those alternatives.
Instead I use a strategy that works three ways:
- By building confidence. (Particularly in use of the carry-over principle. As a martial arts instructor that is my strongest tool.)
- Knowledge of how a bully thinks. This includes how he picks his victims, as well as what sorts of things deter most bullies.
- Learning how to defend yourself competently. So that if all else fails, the list ends with taking a stand.
That last one is offensive to many, and recently caused quite a heated debate on my Facebook recently. Some will tell you that “Turn the other cheek” is an absolute. However even Jesus turned the tables over at one point. Also there are others who will tell you that violence for any reason is always stupid. That’s a simplistic approach to life, and as a general rule the simpler things are the less intelligence behind them.
My Rule: Violence should be a last resort. But when the stakes keep going up, we have to make a choice of if we are going to rise to the challenges of those stakes. If that includes making a stand with force, then so be it. But do so with as much compassion as possible.
How will you teach your children to deal with bullies?
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About the Author
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- From: Nidan
- Name: Jim Monnin
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- About Me: I'm a Martial arts instructor, and an advisor to the parents who hire me. I have a lot of experience at teaching, and a great reputation as a mentor. I've been with the Xanga community since 2003.
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Comments (25)
I am thankful my son goes to a school with zero tolerance for bullies.
I was a bully-victim from K-8th grades.. and it was awful. I was tormented every single day, and it nearly drove me to suicide.
The summer before highschool I had enough. One particular bully decided to go after a friend of mine, and I stepped in. It started with words, then she made a mistake. After she had me backed up to a wall she swung, and I ducked, and she broke her hand on the brick. I knew I had 2 choices.. make fun of her for what happened, or show kindness and take her to the ER... so I walked with her to my parents (we were less then a block away) and asked my Dad to take her in. The bullying stopped.. we never became friends but at least she left me alone.
Heaven help the kid that picks on any of my children... but I had better not catch my children being bullies either. We have also been teaching our son to speak up if he sees another child being bullied.
Ive also found that most bullying is learned at home. In my experiences, if a child is a bully, look at the way the parents treat them and eachother.
I plan on letting my daughter take Karate. I enjoyed Karate when I was a kid, so I hope she finds it to be fun, too.
Fight back. That's what I was taught. Don't start anything but if someone starts something with you, fight back so they know you're not weak and easily picked on. Then they will leave you alone. This has been my experience when people try to mess with me. I am 21 now, though, so I haven't had to deal with anything serious in several years, but I think I got good advice.
My parents taught me to stand up for myself and as I've always been a little hot-tempered and proud, I don't take shit from anyone. I have only been bullied once in my life, I was about 9-10 and before then, I was liked by most people so I had no idea how to deal with someone who didn't like me. But after that I grew a backbone and that girl who bullied me never tried it again.
My advice is always stand your ground, and fight back when necessary. You also need to pick your battles wisely; sometimes it's better to ignore and walk away simply because it results in less hassle for you. But if it comes down to it, fight back.
We always 'suggested' to our kids that they try to reason with bullies and if that fails, go to the office and complain. We had to move once because our first daughter was being physically assaulted in grade school--at least part of the reason for the move. The school was unable to protect her.
I can see both sides of the issue. In the 60's when y om was in HS, a friend of her's had a guy that liked her, but she did not like him. He exposed himself to this girl, and she just looked at him, and said "is that all?" he got red in the face and left, never to bother her again.
y sister had a boy that was spitting asins into her hair she asked him to stop for two days. On the 3rd day, she piced him up, and threw him out the 1st story window in the classroom. he never bothered her again.
So, like I said, I can see both sides, some have had to do violence such as throwing a boy out an open botto level window. and some who have used words. I think both have their places
I agree with you, using the way a bully thinks and acts, try to avoid fighting, but if that doesn't work, stick up for yourself and fight back
I'm gunna go ahead and agree with your strategy. I was often bullied but it never resorted to actually having to use violence, and I have to agree that sometimes turning the other cheek just isn't going to work.
i've been bullied pretty much every year of my life since i can remember. I'm a college student and find myself STILL getting bullied by mean girls. This has ruined my self esteem, made me an extremely scared and paranoid person, and still causes me to stay home rather than go out where I may encounter a group of girls who will want to jump me :/
I hate my life.
I was "bullied" (although I feel it was much worse) once in high school for having a boyfriend of colour, she girl jumped me and I proceeded to the beat the daylights out of her. I have no issue standing up for myself, my protection or that of those I care about.
The sort of bullying I am clueless about, since I never experienced it, is what my 13 year old niece is going through in Jr. High with verbal bullies (usually female) saying really rude/ mean things to her, never turns violent, but the insults are sending my niece home in tears and I am at a loss.
Does anyone have any recommendations on how to deal with Verbal Bullies?
I think fighting back is a horrible idea. I was bullied (verbal, never physical) for six or seven years. Now, I'm happy, and I think that's the best reward. They tried to ruin my life and my happiness has just shown them that they failed. Most of them are miserable now, and although that doesn't necessarily make me feel good, it makes me feel like they got what they deserved.
Fabulous post about bullies and bullying. Having gone through it myself, I know how it feels.
I wish I'd known effective ways to stand up for myself, and that I hadn't believed it was somehow wrong. I grew up in a Christian household, and I honestly believed that I had to turn the other cheek and just take it. My parents tried to tell me it was ok to stand up for myself, but to me, it seemed wrong. I tried not to let it get to me, but even now, I am still dealing with some of the issues with what it did to my self esteem. And the way I was treated was a picnic compared to what some kids go through. I sometimes still find it hard to believe that I really am an ok person.
But I think I at least learned some good stuff from the situation. Now, I feel like I have a better understanding of some of the people who come into my life that I wouldn't have had if I'd never been picked on.
There is only one way to get bullies to leave you alone forever, and it's to fight back, whether that be physically, with words--whatever they began with. They will never leave you alone until you dish it back. I wish I'd fought back against my bullies in grade school, my life would've been really different, I'm sure of it.
I wish my adult son had told me that as a grade schooler he'd been bullied. The smallest still get picked on. When someone he'd attended school with tragically drowned last year, I was shocked to find out he was glad, since the guy had rammed his head into the side of the brick school. I should have been on bully patrol more. And by the third offense, the schools need to boot these kids out of their schools.
Being able to fight and fight well is a great skill.
Any fighter knows the dangers of physical violent. Bullies don't.
Being able to kick ass gave me the confidence of knowing I don't need to take crap from anyone. Especially from bullies that's never been in a real fight.
@Keeping__Karma@xanga@IdealBeauty@xanga - - the problem is, fighting back can do more harm than good. Either, you'll get beaten to a pulp, OR, you'll be the one who gets suspended/expelled for fighting. There's no guarantee that throwing a punch at someone will make things any better.
Never start a fight, but always finish it.
People don't pick on you if they know you're crazy.
1) A child should tell an adult until one listens.
2) We all hold a little bit of our own responsibility in letting words hurt us. However, sometimes in bullying the bully takes it too far. We need to figure out that the limit is different for each person.
3) Call authorities if need be. If the school (or wherever it takes place) isn't taking it serious or there is physical violence, call the police. (I really wish more parents did this.)
This is why I cannot have children. I would be in prison.
Kudos to you. You are at least helping part of the equation, the bullied. It is the bullies' parents' responsibility for the other half. In the biblical sense, the whole notion of turning the other cheek is quite open to debate. Some take it as literal, to give the other cheek, but others interpret it as not taking vengeance against your aggressor. Like anything coming out of that book, whatever you like is best for you. I like the don't take vengeance into your hands, but do defend yourself, after all other peacefully methods have been exhausted.
@HopeWithinReach@xanga - Yes, do a Google search for "your mama so fat." I am not joking. Have your niece memorize and practice until she can say them rapid-fire for several minutes.
Yo mama so fat she got Baptised at Sea World. Yo mama so stupid she tried to alphabetise a bag of M&M's.
Thank you for posting this.
@we_deny_everything@xanga -
That does not sound very productive to me.