Monday, 16 January 2012
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Is Parenting a 50/50 Proposition?
When looking for something interesting to write about today I ran across an article Avital Norman Nathan from The Good Men Project, entitled Parenting is 50/50. In this blog post, she discusses a theory, fully supported by a friend, that parenting not only should be a 50/50 proposition, but actually is. They feel that it is society who sets it up to be so mom-centric.
Well of course, I agree that society plays a big role in how our families operate. However, I find myself wondering how many families actually “practice what they preach” when it comes to parenting being a 50/50 proposition. I also have to say, that I think nature plays a little bit of a part in this as well. My family has had many dynamic changes over the years since my husband was laid off from a high paying job three years ago. For a while, he was a stay at home parent. Now, we are both work at home parents and he attends school. Before he lost his job, I was a stay at home mom.
Through all the many forms our family has taken on, I feel like I am the one pulling the majority of the weight. For our last two children, my husband was able to take an extended paternity leave- even longer than my maternity leave. Yet, even so I felt like I was the one doing most of the work. Is my husband capable of doing it? Sure! I think he is a great dad and I trust him to care for my children 100%. But, if you ask me about the distribution of responsibility around our house I would say it is a whole lot closer to 80/20, with mom leading the way. This isn’t even counting the fact that I carried the babies or that I breastfeed, leaving all of that out of the equation I still feel like I do more.
So what is it like in your house? Are you a 50/50 household?
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Comments (23)
It used to be 50/50 I guess it still is... I mean I do most of the work at the moment because I can and if I couldn't he would.
It's more like 80/20 for us, too. Simply because my husband is in the military and is away on duty very frequently. But when he's home, he's a big contributor around the house. Love him!
Its probably 80/20 for us too. He works and goes to school and my "job" is to do everything around the house and take care of our daughter during the day. He helps some what when he's at home. I make most of the parenting/household decisions though.
My husband and I both work full-time, and I think we are very close to 50/50 in terms of overall responsibilities around the house. But many of his jobs around the house include taking care of the yard, fixing stuff, building new shelves, etc. So in terms of just the kids, I would say it's more like 55/45.
I feel very lucky to have a husband who helps out so much!!
actually.. i think its more each person needs to give 100%.
My husband works full time, and I am home with the kids.. but he helps me out at home on the weekends, and in the evenings.. and he even gets up with our youngest at night. We talk about any decisions needing to be made, we even do the household finances together.
So I can honestly say that its more of a 100/100.. because if each person is only giving 50% then they are still not giving their all.
I would hope you wouldn't count carrying and breastfeeding the kids. It's not like he could've helped out with that, even if he wanted to.
You also have to be aware men and women have different definitions of necessary when it comes to taking care of children and cleaning the house (at least generally). I dont know what the solution is: but I can guarantee if you and your husband go into different room and write lists of things that need to be done in a week, his list is a lot likely to be shorter than yours.
i'm not married and don't have kids, but if i do someday, there is NO WAY i'm letting my husband get away with 20% of the responsibility. marriage is a partnership and should be equal, in my opinion.
I can give a tip though to getting more help if that is what you're needing: write a list of things that need to be done. If I do that and ask my husband to help me with the list, he definitely does more. He doesn't see the things that need to be done like I do, @Doubledb@xanga - I agree with you there. We see different things and sometimes have different standards of what is pressing and what is not.
Write a list, and he can help you more. Without you feeling like a nag.
My parent's house was like...30/50. My mom cooked and...cleaned? While my Dad worked. But my mom also shuttled us kids from place to place, so maybe I should give her cried for 50/50.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - I think you missed the point. 50/50 means both are contributing. They should share 50% of the actual parenting, but their own parenting effort should be 100% of that 50%.
As the SAHM, I do more. I kind of expect that, lol. When my husband is home, he's really only good for discipline. He doesn't change diapers. Seriously. I mean he HAS changed diapers, lol, but he won't change the poopy ones, because they make him gag. I don't know a person who doesn't gag at a poopy diaper, but I'm okay with it, none the less. We're potty trainng, anyway, shouldn't be an issue for much longer, lol. Hopefully.
It's about 65/35 in my house.
65% is me. Breastfeeding our son, all the nightly feedings, all the diaper changes (with the exception of 3-4 a week), bathes, etc. I do all the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry. I walk our dog and feed him. I do all the shopping. I make my husbands lunch in the morning. Yaddy Yadda.
35% is him. He makes the money, works his butt of to do it. He makes sure the bills get paid on time
I say his is a little less than mine because he actually gets BREAKS. I do not. I do appreciate what he does, though, by working so hard to support our family. I still just think my job carries a little more weight because of how demanding and tiring it is. His job you could say is demanding and tiring, also, but he really enjoys it and has many friends there. He has fun at work. My job isn't always fun and can get lonely. Taking care of an infant is one of the hardest jobs there is.
It's all relative, and you can look at it in a hundred different ways. I have to agree with @LadyGwenivere@xanga - on this one. Each person has to give 100% of their abilities to raising a child. I'm a WAHM while my husband works full-time to provide for us, so of course I have more responsibilities in raising our son most of the time. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, though I don't think so, but him working full-time (and sometimes more) is still contributing 100% to our son. When he comes home, nearly every minute of his evening is spent with the two of us, and he handles bedtime every single night so he has more time with our son. On the weekends, sometimes he gone for a full Saturday to go to a woodworking class or something, and I end up doing 80/20. But other weekends I am gone all day for a quilt guild meeting, and he gets the 80 while I get the 20. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I feel like if we ever started keeping score on whether or not we're both doing 50/50, that's when resentment sets in. Neither of us feel over-stressed or shafted in the amount of work we do with our son, so we don't feel the need to do the math. People tell me I "got lucky" all the time because my husband is willing to pitch in and do things with and for our son. I don't call it luck - he's an engaged father. I wouldn't have had kids with him if I thought he would be a slacker when it comes to raising them. I certainly don't take him for granted!
@Mangonese@xanga - oh no, i got the point.. and i dont agree with it.
@DirtyAndShaken@xanga - =)
In my opinion, it will be a relief when a chore is half-done and he knows it is his turn to make the chore completely done, so none of u or him have to worry..eg, are the laundry washed and hung and collected when dried..and make the clothes into its way to the cupboard.
He can do the laundry, hang and collect.. maybe someone does the folding and the putting away into storing in the cupboard, keeping it organized. This is my idea of 50-50.@LadyGwenivere@xanga - How, then, do you propose that 200% of the responsibility is taken in a household? Does one parent go through, do everything, and then undo it so the other parent has their turn? Or is each parent raising a child independently from the other?
i'm hoping it will be a 50/50 deal when my daughter is born between my fiancé and i, but i don't work, so i think it will be 60/40. however, i know my fiancé will be 100% supportive and there when he's not at work. i have no doubt he will be a wonderful father and a very supportive partner for me.
@Mangonese@xanga - MY point about the 100/100 was that we should not be keeping score as to who does what. All that does is build resentment in the "I do more then you" area. Marriage and parenting is hard enough without a score card.
No. I honestly don't believe that in a traditional household it ever can or will be. The lion's share of the parenting always falls to the mother. It's not fair, but it's true.
@Doubledb@xanga - This is so true and just . . . makes me want to die.
lol more like 99/1 my husband works full time im part time. We have a 2 month old baby girl he tired one time to stay up with her, and get her to sleep, just so i could get some sleep, he didnt make it past an hour before he came in and gave her to me lol. He cant seem to figure out how to use the washing machine so laundry is all on me, along with all the other household chores and cooking meals, unless i ask its up to me to see that they get done. I can get him to empty the dishwasher or change a diaper once in a while but other than that its all on me! He will hold the baby in the evenings so i can get stuff done until she starts crying anyway!
I have to say, if you are spending that much time keeping score on who does what in raising your family, perhaps you need to sit down with your partner and have a serious talk. Like others have pointed out, keeping a score card of who does what better than the other will most likely only lead to resentment. If you need help getting something done, then SAY something to your partner instead of waiting for them to read your mind.
As for the division of labor by gender, that is utter bs, and you all know it. Why do you have to do the cooking and the cleaning? Because you're a GIRL?!? Instead of meekly accepting household chores and cooking as your due, empower yourselves and tell your partner he needs to step up and learn how to do these things, too. And you need to follow up on that, and learn about general car maintenance and house upkeep.
I'll admit, I suck at doing an oil change, but I CAN do one on my own (probably with a lot of swearing). I've helped re-side the house, I mow the lawn just as often as my husband, I actually do most of the landscaping and gardening myself since I enjoy playing in the dirt, and if there's something "manly" that needs to be done, I don't shy away from it because I'm "just a girl". I'm no wilting flower, and I won't use my gender as an excuse not to do heavy lifting, and I most certainly won't allow someone else to use my gender as an excuse to enslave me.