Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Then I felt it, insane pressure like I had to push right then. I screamed that she was coming and they rushed me back onto the hospital bed to check my cervix. 9cm! I couldn't believe how fast I progressed. I guess the visualization worked. One of the nurses wanted me to pee before I started to push because apparently it would relieve some pressure. I did not want to stand up because I was sure my baby would fall out. So I hopped up and ran to the toilet, pants off, leaving a trail of blood behind me. "Don't LOOK... why would you wanna look at a naked pregnant person?!" I remember saying something along those lines when I scurried past my mom and Melissa. And I don't even think they were looking, I was just cranky and wanted to bitch at somebody. I sat on the toilet and the nurse knelt down in front of me and I cried and began to lose the struggle to resist pushing. She's coming, she's coming now. It was horrifying being on the toilet at that moment. Not the place I wanted to welcome my child into the world. I ran to lie down on the bed and the upper side of my body was hanging off and I was quite content there. But the doctors helped me into a proper position, seeing as I wouldn't move myself. I was ready to push. I felt relieved, excited, and scared in a quick rotating sequence.
Nurses and students surrounded my whole bed, not even my mom or Melissa had room to squish in. Out of all those people the only person I remember hearing was my obstetrician cheering me on like a football coach "COMMON COMMON COMMON THE HEAD IS RIGHT THERE PUSH PUSH PUSH STEPHANIE YOU'RE ALMOST THERE PUSH SHE'S RIGHT THERE". And oh, I knew she was right there, there was no mistaking it from the amount of pressure I felt. But was she doing okay? Was there something going on that the nurses weren't telling me? Was her heart beating the way it should have been? It was all going too perfectly for the amount of complications I had in my pregnancy. This wasn't the kind of labor and delivery a "high-risk" patient should be having.
I was so afraid that I pushed until I was blue in the face. Three different times for each contraction. I was breathing short and fast and they'd have to remind me to take deep breaths because my baby needed oxygen. I was a stubborn little cookie, but that was about the only thing I actually listened to. Whatever would help my baby arrive safely. They told me to put my hand between my legs to feel my little girls head, I was so overwhelmed by the feeling of being torn apart and the rest of the commotion that I said no a few times, but i'm glad I ended up doing it. It just made me more excited to get her out so I could finally see her face. Just 19 minutes later... there she was...
It felt like a dream when I felt her fragile body being placed on my chest... feeling her tiny movements... hearing that pouty-lipped cry. I felt so blessed to have her passed to me right after she came out, that meant no complications. I felt so blessed to be able to kiss her gooey forehead and hold her sticky purple hands. I felt so blessed to feel the doctor stitching me up after a natural, vaginal birth without an epidural. I looked at her and touched her and completely lost myself in the moment. My entire soul was just handed to me, my entire soul was in my arms. She was finally here. Ten fingers and ten toes, she was alive and healthy. I cut the cord myself. I went through these 9 months of pregnancy myself. I nurtured her and grew her inside my tummy myself. I went through this emotional roller coaster myself and I finally had my beautiful baby, all to myself.
It's been hard trying to remember everything that happened after that. I'm not sure if it was the nubain or the fact that I just pushed a 7lb human being out of my vagina and I was in shock. They're not kidding when they say child birth is the most painful thing you'll ever go through. Not to mention the most intense. I know I was on cloud nine, I kept saying how I couldn't believe I just did that and Anna was really here. I remember wanting nuggets from McDonald's and my dad got them for me... but I don't recall eating them. I remember Ally and my grandmother being outside waiting, and they came in after I was cleaned up and stitched. Annabelle had been taken into another room at that point to have a bath and to be weighed, so we were all sitting in my room waiting for her to come back. As soon as she did my dad held her I think, then Ally. I wanted to breastfeed her before an hour passed and apparently Melissa was holding my nipple trying to shove it in my baby's mouth, but I don't remember that either. My cellphone was going crazy the whole time, i'd just pick it up, get rid of the notifications, and put it back down. So if anyone thought I was ignoring them, I kinda was, but just because there was way too much going on at the time. I wanted to take in every moment.
As everybody left, the anxiety started setting in. My mom was there with me, as well as the nurses who were just a push of a button away, but I was afraid. I was a mom now and this fragile little soul was completely dependent on me. While I was pregnant I researched every question I had, I went to healthy baby classes, I read books, but nothing can really fully prepare you for becoming a parent. I knew I had plenty of support from friends and family but I felt so alone with my fears of anything ever happening to my baby girl. I slept with her hospital crib as close to me as possible, with my bed tilted upright so I could see her face whenever I opened my eyes. I didn't sleep that night. Every few minutes i'd check to see if she was okay. I'd jump at every tiny sound she'd make. I felt like a paranoid wreck. Would I always feel like this? Does it make me a bad mom? Am I not strong enough to do this by myself?
But life goes on, and that's what it did. It gets easier every day and i'm gaining more confidence as a single mother continuously. Annabelle Eden is now almost one month old. And there's been plenty of tears since from her and I both. But I wouldn't trade this feeling for all the stars in the sky. This is my little family, and we will embrace every obstacle that life throws at us only to create something beautiful out of it. Far from perfect, but still I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful change of life. She's incredibly strong. She's incredibly sweet. She constantly makes me laugh with her funny faces and she makes my heart melt whenever I see her one-dimpled smile. She's becoming more and more chubby, she's becoming more and more beautiful, and I love her more and more every day. I can't wait to get to know her as she grows into the strong admirable little girl I know she'll be.