I commented on this on a sister site...this advice goes against what our marriage therapist says. However, I'm glad that it helps you. And people have different personalities and love languages, so the same advice won't be applicable to all.

i agree. best advice. 

I wasn't expecting this one to get published on here, since it had been a while. I can't find the link to the sister site (I believe it was datingish?) But I did clarify my position on my original statement. 

@sarahsmurfette@xanga - I'm sorry that you found it to be rude and offensive, mostly I was just curious if it HAD helped and how long you'd been going before you saw improvement in your relationship. But you raise a good point. I know of several couples who never made it through therapy sessions and only one who has and their relationship is still tenuous at best. As I said, I've never been so I don't know what sort of advice a therapist would have given. I've never been and still feel no need to. But chances are good that if my friends had started therapy sessions before they had problems, their marriages wouldn't have ended so badly. I suppose I've always gone by the statement "if it's not broken, don't fix it" but your comment makes alot of sense. You don't have to go into specifics, but I'm curious: if you weren't having problems, what type of things would you discuss? I suppose my basic understanding is what I've seen on tv, and I know that's not accurate. Two people arguing with one another and a therapist saying "and how does that make you feel?" I'm always open to enlightenment on a topic I'm not familiar with. So now I have two questions for you:

@sarahsmurfette@xanga -  Thank you for explaining that. I'll be honest, when you first posted that you disagreed by stating that your marriage therapist disagreed, I thought "How could she argue with this advice when she's needed a therapist and I have not?" (I will admit to having a bit of an ego at times.) But when you came back and explained that it was more for preventive purposes, that made perfect sense. I do think that it's a good idea for couples to attend some therapy sessions before they have problems. My husband and I have never actually been to therapy, but we were required before marriage to take a "marriage class" through the military. They talked about how to handle arguments productively (which is probably why we've only had one during our relationship, we attend to matters before they reach the blowing up stage). We talked through what our future goals were, what "family" meant to us, things like that. So it was probably a simplified version of a therapy session, I'm thinking. There were no one-on-one sessions, only group activities. 

@splinter1591@xanga - Of course, find someone with similar values- but isn't selfish- who can put enough effort in for their partner without risking self respect- which is what the writer meant by, "Live for each other" :)

To live for someone doesn't mean to lose yourself in such a pathetic way as Twilight's Bella. When things arent well with Edward, Bella loses all sense of life and joy. That's not what it really means to live for someone, though.  To live for someone means to consider how your every action may affect them, and consciously choose to further their happiness.  It means that you care enough about them and their happiness to work to that end. When you do, they tend to reciprocate and your needs are also met. I think this is excellent advice and would lead to much happier marriages.

My sweetie and I have been married 8 years and have never had an argument escalate to the point of yelling or fighting.  When we were engaged, we took a class at our university that was geared towards establishing happy marriages (it's a private religious school).  Of  the many things we learned that have blessed our marriage, I think that the best one was a map.  The starting point was when a negative emotion arises (whether from an intentional offense, a misunderstanding, or differing opinions on a matter of importance).  From this starting point, there are three directions to go, two of which are "Flight" and "Fight" responses which lead in circles and don't take care of the issue. The third is a pathway with steps that go from as simple to recognizing the fact that you feel pain, to calming down a spouse that is headed into "Fight or flight". It teaches how to talk (and listen "between the lines", without interruption) in turns and to work toward a point where you both feel completely loved and understood. Once you reach this point, it's so much easier to come to a solution that leads  to mutual happiness.  As part of our homework, I studied this map and memorised the steps so completely that they became my natural response when something arose.  My husband did, too.  Because of this, we've always been able to resolve things without fighting or saying hurtful things (except a few times when I was pregnant and hormonal and not reasonable, but even those were satisfactorilly resolved once I'd done my emotional 180).

  In all my eight wonderful years, I've never once regretted marrying or wished to get out of it.  I think that the idea of always striving to serve and give joy to your spouse, in partnership with the map described above, is the reason we do so well.  Things always get tense when one of us starts to become too selfish, and before it becomes an issue, we talk to each other using the model from the map, recommit to serve each other, and things clear again.  If anyone wants that map, give me your email address or something and I'll send it to you.  A happy marriage is one of the most beautiful things in life, and I wish more people knew how to work it. 

@splinter1591@xanga - Um...Isn't that what I just said? Read the comments and you'll see that I clarified my original post.

I felt my original post was explained well. The clarification came from another post because people were asking more questions.