Monday, 21 November 2011
-
Motherhood - A Privilege or A Right?
Being 25 years old, I still feel much too young and unprepared (economically and psychologically) to be raising another human being. I see the world as a harsh place that thrives on competition. It favors one who is educated, well-rounded, and armed with privilege. Therefore, if I were to have a child, I would want to first make sure that I can give him/her the best possible resources to succeed in life. I would want to make sure that I have enough money to support the child and enough time to educate and instill a good sense of morals and responsibility in him/her. Ideally, I would also have a husband who will help me raise my child with the love and support he/she deserves.
Keeping all these conditions in mind, I am always astonished when I encounter mothers who have a very selfish attitude towards motherhood.
I know of a woman by the name of Kerry (name changed to protect her identity). Kerry married her boyfriend immediately after their high school graduation and quickly gave birth to a young girl. A few years passed, and Kerry soon realized that the boy she married was not who she imagined he was. They divorced and she moved back home. Her parents were more than happy to care for the baby girl while Kerry herself went to school part time, worked as a waitress/bartender, and partied (she was "a young woman after all," she explained).
More years passed, and Kerry entered her 30s. She then realized that she could hear her biological clock ticking, and was overcome with an overwhelming urge to have another child before it was "too late." It didn't matter that she still in the midst of her classes. It didn't matter that she was still living with her parents and working at a job that could not make ends meet (her parents support her whenever she was short on cash). It didn't even matter that she didn't have a husband in mind.
She just wanted a baby, and she wanted one NOW.
I watched her go through boyfriend after boyfriend. Most of them left when they realized what she was truly after. She began resorting to desperate measures, i.e. lying to her boyfriend that she was taking her birth control pill when she actually wasn't. Luckily for that particular boyfriend, he was dumped when Kerry realized that she couldn't get pregnant by him. The following boyfriend finally got her pregnant (I have no idea whether he was willing or not). After a complicated pregnancy and an even more complicated birth (a C-section that resulted in an infant who was so sickly that he had to be held in neonatal ICU for awhile), Kerry now has 2 very young children. She is still taking classes, still working as a waitress/bartender, still living at home and still depending on her parents for support. The only thing that has changed is her boyfriend. She now has a new one, since she realized that her baby daddy, like the first one, was not who she thought he was.
Personally, I am disgusted with Kerry. If she wants to be irresponsible with her life, fine. However, to drag another child into it is criminal, in my honest opinion. The child has no father, the mother is constantly absent, and the entire little family has to be supported by the grandparents. I have expressed my displeasure about her life choices to a mutual friend, however the mutual friend shrugged and said, "Who are you to judge whether she will be a good mother or not? Maybe her children will turn out to be highly successful. Besides, motherhood is her right, not a privilege."
That got me thinking. Mothers of Momaroo, what are your thoughts on Kerry's situation? Would you approve of her choices, and agree that motherhood is her right? Or, would you say motherhood should be a lifestyle that you prepare for, and only take on when you feel you are most qualified to?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (46)
Well, if she can't responsibly take care of herself, she is in no position to take care of a dependent. She is already a burden to her parents. It is selfish for her to bring another baby into the game, on purpose.
It's her right. Once we get into discussions about what our rights and privileges are, we are entering murky territory. Because if motherhood is a privilege, why is there such a push in the US to make every pregnant woman become one? If motherhood is a right, why are some women barred from adoption based on their beliefs, lifestyle choices, sexual orientation, etc?
It's dangerous subject matter. In the end, it's none of my business how someone else chooses to create and raise a family unless children are getting hurt.
What other people choose for themselves is none of my business, but honestly one can never be fully prepared to take on motherhood. However, not having a steady job, or reasonable means to take care of yourself responsibly, it might not be the best idea to have a child at that time. I can understand not wanting to wait until one is "too old/too late," but it is not justified. So, in a way, I feel motherhood is more of a privilege than a right. While I do not agree with her choices, it's not my place to judge how she wants to live her life.
Not a choice I would make, but not the worst choice in the world either.
Nature's a funny thing. Birth, life, death. Procreation. It's all very fascinating and way beyond our heads, and always will be.
I am living proof that not every female able to reproduce should just because nature has given her the ability to do so. Had my "mom" either aborted me or given me up for adoption.. I could have very well been saved from the shit storm that is my life, today, because of the way she raised me to feel. Granted, I could have it a lot worse right now if that were the case: I'd either not be living, or I could have ended up with an abusive foster family. Granted, I have it a ZILLION time better than some people out there. Granted, what I do with my life is my choice, despite my upbringing/past.
Let me be clear when I say that I would have preferred either of those two options.
Either.
Despite nature providing us females with the capacity to procreate.. I feel that it's something that ought to be somehow more of a privilege. Some women.. just don't deserve it. If a woman can't provide a safe, stable, good life.. she maybe shouldn't have the option of having children. Women who themselves are mentally unstable/unable to provide for themselves in the first place have absolutely NO business having children. Ditto for fathers. People like that only pass down their shit to their kids. That's part of the reason everything got so fucked, isn't it?
Think of all the "typical" city bus mothers. All the ones on their phones while their child screams bloody murder. An old friend of mine has two kids.. I visited them about a year ago now. This friend of mine provides her children with a shitty mattress on the floor with no sheet or pillow in their "bedrooms", a tv, a crap load of toys (distractions). Her place is filthy. When I visited her "boyfriend" whipped out his gun, his fucking GUN, to show off how cool he was (I guess?).. while her children stood in front of their tvs, nose on the screen. My friend cannot take care of herself. She cannot take care of her children, either. Sure she has a right to have kids.. she's a female and nature gave her the ability. Does that mean she was right in doing so? Up for debate, I guess.
I feel like people should have to prove their ability to adequately be responsible for another living thing. Maybe like a trial-basis or something.. I know that wouldn't really work for children but it's a good starting point for thinking of ideas. Maybe it should be a ladder system.. if you can take care of this.. you move up to a different thing. If you can take care of that.. you move up. You take on as much as you can handle, when you can handle it. If not, you make the necessary choices so that you don't harm anyone, including yourself. It's a pretty simple concept I've adopted from recovery-type things.
If you can't take care of your plants and they start dying, give them to someone who won't let them die. If you can't get off your ass and walk your dog so that it won't shit on the floor, so that you won't yell/hit/abuse him for doing it.. don't have a dog. It's not HIS bad-it's YOURS.
Ditto children.
Just my two cents. Sorry for the length of this comment. I'm just really passionate about this subject because of what I'm dealing with on a day-to-day basis. I also wasn't trying to offend anyone, if I did.
It's her right but it's also her choice to be a crappy parent. And her parents are enabling her, which is also their choice. It's unfortunate that that's the kind of world we live in, but there's also no way to make sure people are going to be responsible parents. I don't even talk to my mother anymore...but I feel like I'm a well-rounded responsible person. If she didn't have the right to have me I wouldn't exist, so that would be pretty terrible.
It's a commitment and a responsibility. Based on current conditions, I'd saying being pregnant is a right, and raising that child is a privilege in the sense that certain things can result in your children being taken away (like you are a drug addict or you beat them). Basically, if you don't uphold your commitment and responsibility to care for them, you lose your privilege to raise them.
I am mostly concerned about how you tacked on a husband as an "ideal" at the very end, like an after thought. I feel bad for dads. They are so marginalized, barely even necessary in a lot of women's minds.
Motherhood is not a right, meaning that others are not obligated to ensure that you become a mother if you want to. Motherhood is also not really a privilege, meaning something that you have to earn. It's a choice. And it's not really anybody else's business unless the children are in danger. Being a sucky mom isn't illegal.
My problem with it being privilege is that I am a major believer in personal freedoms, I would like to slap this woman but its something she chose. A another thing is where do we draw the line in the sand if it was a privilege, we wouldn't be able to make effective rules for child birthing requirements.
If she is never around, how much parenting is she really doing?
The other thing is the children's fathers, what she was doing to some of those men could be considered entrapment.
She also sounds like she has a hard time keeping healthy relations with a mate or males in general. She might need some help in that department.
Babies aren't pets! You don't just "make a couple" with random men just 'cause you want one by your side as you realize your golden days are fading into the distance. I mean, some people who were once born into a regrettable environment somehow manage to find success and unbelievable achievement; these people are obviously VERY rare. If I really cared about motherhood, I would think about the future I could give my baby before being pregnant with one.
It is neither a privilege nor a right. Who is to determine who should have the privileged and/or right to grow a child in her uterus? It is something that most women are biologically capable of becoming. It is a choice that every woman can make. The decisions your friend has made with her life are not something that I would do. I could sit here and judge her all day if I wanted to, knowing that their are women out there making judgements about me and my choices as a parent.
I would hate to live in a world where people had to prove themselves worthy to be parents.
How do you not know the children aren't being loved by their grandparents? Is she doing drugs? And she's going to school to get a degree so that she can someday have a better job.
I have no idea in the world why you should concern yourself with this, I think it's none of your business to get involved! Her choices are fine, and obviously her right! You're on a slippery slope toward promoting forced sterilization with this blog. Disgusting!
it's a biological right for her to have a child. if she proves to be a bad mother, people can intervene and stop her child from being brought up by an unfit parent, but in the meantime, nobody has any right to stop her being a mother. she's not on drugs, she's not an alcoholic, she doesn't abuse her children, nor is she in an abusive relationship - she's living with her parents and struggling to get by, but she's going to school and working part-time. that doesn't make her a bad parent. that makes her someone who's struggling to get by but who's working towards improving her life.
It should be and Is someone's right to be a mother.
Her situation may not be ideal... but is she abusing her kids? Doesn't sound like it. Maybe she knows that one day, since she's in school, she'll have a better job and will get out on her own. Personally, we're not in any position, financially, to have any more kids and, even though It's my right to be a mother again, if I want, I'm also going to be responsible. So, we're not even trying. Maybe in a few years, who knows. But one is enough, for now. Everyone just needs to evaluate their circumstances and make their own choices. Though her situation may not be ideal to you or someone else, doesn't mean she's an overall bad mom.
That said, no one can ever be "prepared" to have kids. Yeah, you can have a degree, a good job and good living conditions, but things change. What if, after having a couple kids, you lose your job? Now your situation isn't ideal. Even though you started off prepared, doesn't mean it'll always stay that way. Life is full of uncertainties.
I would have thought at your age you would have learned to simply mind your own business no matter how much something annoys you. Well, at least you have a friend who does that. I cannot even take this question seriously for discussion because I feel that you are fishing for comments that agree with what is nothing more than catty gossip.
Also, if she had a baby out of high school and is now in her thirties, she would only have one young child not two unless there are other babies popping up that you are not telling us about.
Shit happens. It does not matter how prepared you are. Before I had children, my husband and I both had decent jobs and a full six months living expenses saved up. Now we are living on a single minimum-wage salary burning through emergency funds as soon as we get one saved up so I hardly feel like I am in a position to judge anyone.
I think it should be a carefully considered right, not the kind of right that should be abused (ie: having more kids so you can get more money from Medicaid or have to keep a guy around).
Whether it's a right or privilege, there needs to be a lot more thought put into it than the thought, "I want a baby" or "my clock is ticking." Some consideration for the child needs to be taken. I think it's important to ask oneself before having children: are you having a baby to fill your personal emotional needs or are you planning on filling theirs?
Ask any woman who cannot have children, who desperately wants them, and she will tell you it's a privilege.
I think it's both. But I think it's more of a privilege than right. Some people should simply not be raising kids. Honestly, I think she has no business having another child. Given her situation it's irresponsible.
I think that having a child or many children, is something that should never be taken lightly. As many people now a days seem to do. I mean just because you can do something doesn't necessarily mean you should.Im in my 4th year of college and live with my mom. J get money from scholarship money, childsupport, and disability since I have had since birth (lung problems).. but I dont have a "job". I take my child to daycare, go to college, pick my child up and go home to homework and spending quality time with my child. I am glad my daughter is developing a close relationship with her granddaughter. I think if I had my own life, I would feel like I would be using her for babysitting (like I know a lot of couples and single parents do to their parents). Even if I had a steady 7 to 4 teaching job right away, I would want to be there during her early years. I feel like a part time "stay at home mom" since my daughter only goes to daycare for 4 hours a day X 4 times a week. Having a fulltime job right now would hurt my daughter's development all around. My degree in Early Childhood Education is teaching me more about my own child. If it takes my family to round the wagons so that my child will be well-adjusted then I am thankful for it!!!!! Who says a single mom has to struggle by herself to prove her worth???? Im ashamed that no one asks "what happen to the fathers?" That's a good $500 in child support for two kids that could be put towards the children, state health insurance and daycare if needed, and maybe apply for a better job.... that is all she can hope for right now. Im not ashamed for her at all. I see it as a temporary struggle so that she can make a better future for her two babies. She's working between her college hours, going to school for a degree, and not putting the burden on the government. That is a good thing. Id want to go out sometime on the weekend too! She needs the few hours off of life. I hope the best for her... not tearing her down for the cards she is delt.
@snarkius@xanga -
"Also, if she had a baby out of high school
and is now in her thirties, she would only have one young child not two
unless there are other babies popping up that you are not telling us
about."
- I was wondering about that too.
My mom had me shortly after high school and is now in her late thirties.
I am twenty now (and moved out) so im definitely far from "a very young
child."
"I cannot even take this question seriously
for discussion because I feel that you are fishing for comments that
agree with what is nothing more than catty gossip."
- Amen to that.
Even though it isn't a choice YOU would make, I think that the fact that she's still trying to go to school and is still working shows that she is trying to make her life better. I do still think that motherhood is a privilege and I only say this because of personal experiences. I know a woman who has never lived on her own (she'll be 30 next year). She's been on so many drugs it's not funny and through rehab too many times to count. She's an alcoholic as well. She's either always had a man to support her, meaning she'll find whatever douche will take her, or she's lived with whatever family will take her. She's had four children, three have been removed from her care and the fourth was adopted. If motherhood was her right, those children would still be with her. So I have to say that motherhood is a privilege.
I think that your friend is doing okay. She's still in classes and still working. The way this economy is, it's probably helping everyone out: herself, the kids, and her parents. And who cares if she wants to go out a party every once in a while? When you are a parent, you automatically kiss your social life good-bye. Since your friend isn't on drugs and her family is okay with the arrangement, I'd have to say that it's really not your concern. Are you putting her situation down because of something in your own life? She has kids and you don't? She's still at home and you're not? I get the feeling that there's some sort of underlying issue at work here.
really we are going to sit here and pick apart someones life who has no say on the story. I mean you say you are only in your mid 20;s so she is 10 years older then you. So you watched this from a teen's point of view? I am really concerned why are we bashing her again? Cause she lives with her parents, going to school still, Has 2 young children although if she is 30 and had one our of highschool she would have a 10 year old. SO not sure how she has 2 very young children. There are alot of people who are 30 living with thier parents Because there are really no good jobs out there. I am sure the kids are being taken care of. It is her right to have children if she wants them. If her parents enabling her that is thier problem. Really MOMAROO why are we asking people if we approve of the choices someone makes. This site is not a bashing site. or a site to put up someones life story and say ok guys what dont you approve of.
@written_conversations@xanga - "nobody has any right to stop her being a mother"
Why not? She's making them a financial burden for the grandparents and if they every say "enough", then they'll be a financial burden for taxpayers. Why should other people be held financially responsible for her stupidity?
It wasn't always this complicated. I can't stand the way people believe they have to be perfect before they can have their perfect child and give him the perfect life. You picked an interesting example to contrast yourself. I don't want to have anything to do with telling people when/how they should have kids, but the way you consider a 25 year old to be too psychologically immature to have a baby is such a new and selfish phenomenon. You might consider it your personality, not your age, because 25 is the age when your eggs begin to go downhill. This whole age thing is extremely narrow to our generation and American culture, and to call yourself/anyone else "too young" is not really what you mean.
oh god, i can't believe some of the comments you are getting. it's none of your business? motherhood is a right? you're on a path towards forced sterilizations? give me a break. of course it's your business, as another person said, children aren't pets they're PEOPLE. they are developing children with emotional needs the mother is neglecting! motherhood is a privilege, and i say if someone can't fulfill the emotional and mental needs of their children they should be taken, stat, and put in one of the many homes who are aching for a child that they can adequately provide for. and to people against you, i ask, when does it become her business? when the kids are messed up teenagers committing crimes because they were never loved by their mom? guess what- unfortunately then it becomes all of our business because they cost us as taxpayers and as a society. if a friend is concerned about the WELFARE OF A CHILD then yes, it is her business.