Thursday, 03 November 2011
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The Misconceptions of The Stay at Home Mom/Homemaker
I have been married for 3 yrs now and just recently became a mother. I have been at home since I have been married. I moved from California to New Mexico and since I have been married and at home I have noticed that people have some serious views on women who stay home.
#1. If you stay home you are lazy, unkempt, sitting on the sofa eating nob nobs like Peg Buddy. Or that it would be extremely boring.
Now I cant speak for other women but I know in my experience that lazy... just doesn’t work. Even before I had my child I was busy. There is always laundry, there's always dishes to be washed ( we do not have a dish washer) the house always needs cleaning because no matter what you do things will get out of place and living in NM, it is dusty as ever so cleaning is a must. And now with a baby on top of that... diapers, laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, feed the baby, feed the husband- all that... when the heck do I have time to be bored?
#2 You don’t have an equal marriage because you don’t have income coming in.
Again, personally, no. We have a equal relationship. I am not the maid, I am not a lesser being because I work in the home instead of a 9-5. My husband appreciates the fact that he gets to come home to a clean house and a hot homemade meal everyday and he shows his appreciation and he does not belittle me or take me for granted. I honestly think that its about who you marry and the circumstances in which you’re staying at home. A lot of people who didn’t know me when I first moved here didn’t think that I had ever worked be fore and they looked down on me for staying home sort of like I was taking advantage of my husband or I was some type of gold digger or something. When in all actuality, Before I moved I had closed my business that I’d had for 6 years. I started my business at the age of 19 and worked hard as hell. When we got married we both deiced that if we were going to have kids I would stay home as long as possible. It was a choice for me. I know some people don’t have that choice and I thank God often that I do.
#3 Women that stay at home are sloppy.
I have seen my share of women walking around in Walmart with their hair uncombed, flip flops on, wearing pajamas and their babies look just as bad... I however, am not one of them. I know a lot of Homemakers that get up get dressed and look damn good when their husbands get home. I try to look presentable because you never know when you have to run out to the store, a Dr. appointment – unexpected things happen and don’t like having to try to throw something on. I don’t have on a evening gown with my face beat to powdered perfection daily but I can run to the store for milk and not feel embarrassed if I see someone I know.
#4 Women that stay home make it harder for the family because they are on one income.
In some cases that may be true. I work very hard to keep things smooth and easy. I budget hardcore and I make sure we live within our means and are steal able to have small luxuries. I cook a lot of things from scratch such as bread ( why buy a loaf of bread for a dollar when you can make 10 loaves for $3 with a few cups of flour, yeast, eggs and water), pizza, pies cakes etc I rarely buy packaged foods like fries- I have potatoes, pasta- I have flour, pizzas, sauces, mixes- all that stuff get left on the shelf. If I can make it from scratch I probably will. I don’t buy a bunch of cleaning products, bleach works fine. I think its if you make things work... you can work it. You just have to be about it.
There are a lot of other things that I hear and some of them seem true and some aren’t I think we assume a lot from what we see. What do u think? Do you have any views or ideas of stay at home moms/homemakers? Do you have any questions? Comment and let me know.
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- From: BeanieMama@xanga
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Comments (59)
I'm not a mom, but I totally agree with you. Being a stay at home mom IS a full time job. You being at home saves money by not having to pay for daycare, babysitter, ext.
Honestly, who cares what people say about 'stay at home moms', if it works for the households and it makes you happy, more power to ya! Thanks for posting.
You mean Peg Bundy? From 'married with children' ? lol..
anyway yeah there are a lot of misconceptions. But anyone with a brain knows how hard it is to stay at home, take care of kids, feed a family, keep things clean and in order, run errands, shop, ect. It's all work. Anyone that thinks anything differently is just ignorant and being disrespectful when they talk down on women that stay at home.
Up until the 70s that was the normal thing to do, the "right" way of doing things.. I don't see why it's some weird thing, now.
Okay, who is expecting another stay-at-home vs. working-mothers debate even though this post does not even remotely touch that topic?
Now my sister on the otherhand, who is a childless video game addict, completely fits the stereotype.
Anyone who says any of those 4 is only making assumptions and being ignorant.
My stay-at-home mom always dresses nicely, puts on makeup, fixes her hair, etc. I hope I can become motivated like I used to be so that I can live up to this life at some point. I love to clean and cook for my man and I admire you for cooking from scratch. As far as budgeting, sigh, that requires an equally responsible husband, you're blessed!
My son has Addison's and is currently homebound, so I've been a stay at home mom since April. I do work from home doing medical transcription as well. It's really difficult sometimes getting everything I need to do in the home done as well as put in an 8 hour day at the computer. And contrary to what some people think, there just isn't enough time in the day to sit on the couch and do a "Peggy Bundy" haha. Most days I don't even turn on a television.
The only problem I have, other than getting everything done in a 24 hour day, is getting fixed up every day. I get dressed most days, but a lot of times I do the ponytail thing rather than spend 40 minutes straightening my hair. I have spent the day in my pajama pants as well if I'm not going anywhere for the day. Luckily my husband and my sons think I'm beautiful whether I have on just a tee shirt or a dress. I do spend more time on my appearance on the weekends though.
1) Sorry, but all the things you listed before you had the baby total up to maybe a whole 8 hours a week, while he's working 40 (or more) hours a week. Anyone who's lived on their own knows that working full time and doing the basic things (cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc) don't really take that much time. Sure you have more to do NOW that you have the baby (which was self inflicted), but that's not relevant to the three years before you had the kid.
2) Well, you DON'T have an equal marriage. All of the financial burdens are placed on one person (along with the stress of that) as we.ll as the fact that you DO have a lot more free time than he does. You said that you both agreed to be a stay at home mom when you had kids - that's fine, kids take time and daycare is expensive, but again, what about the three years you mentioned staying at home when you didn't have a kid? How would you feel if the places were switched and he stayed home while you had to go off to work 40 hours a week and feel the burden of knowing that you have other people depending on your income and that if you lose your job, they'll be hurt as a result of it? My girlfriend (neither of us wants kids) knows very well that I would never marry someone who wasn't going to work and pull their own weight - and she understands exactly why.
3) Totally valid point. I've never heard anyone say that really since it's entirely up to each individual how they dress.
4) Well it is harder some because you have less disposable income, so you can't afford to buy as many luxuries.
I was a housewife for a while in Germany. I also handmade bread and yogurt and other things, and budgeted and all of that other stuff. Honestly, I was bored a lot of the time, but since we didn't have ANY of our stuff, including a tv and most of my books, and my car, I'm pretty sure that was the cleanest apartment in Schweinfurt.
After we got our stuff and a car for me, I was able to do a lot more, and then I got a job.
It's very important to me to stay at home with our children when we have them. And honestly, marriage doesn't really work like a tally score the way some people think. He supported me when we first got married and moved overseas. I put ALL of my earnings into savings that allowed us to buy a car, nice furniture, and do things with the house that we bought two years later. Now he's going to college and I'm the breadwinner. It's a whole lifetime, and it should be a shared lifetime- as long as you know that both partners are giving it their all, you don't need to keep score.
And in closing, I will say that one of the biggest misconceptions about being a homemaker is that it's a huge sacrifice and the hardest thing ever. It's a blessing! (I know you didn't say this, OP) And I think it can bring satisfaction to women and men who do it, and the children who benefit from it.
I was a stay at home wife and technically still am (though I'm 38 weeks pregnant so I'll be a mommy any day now).
My husband loves it. I mean that. He's always said that if he makes enough to comfortably support us then he'd rather me keep up with the cleaning, cooking, scheduling, bill paying, dog walking, shopping, decorating and now parenting.
However, I am well aware that technically right now (since my son isn't born just yet), he pulls more weight than I do. Which I why I try my hardest to be the best housewife ever. Everything is clean. He never has to do his laundry. He doesn't ever have to cook. I make sure he's always got beer. I don't hassle him when he's home, I let him relax and do what he wants (which, lucky me, has a lot to do with talking to me and hanging out!). I don't ask him to do more than the simple manly chores (like mowing the lawn).
When our son gets here, I'll still strive to do my best any way possible. ;)
It's sad that some people are so judgemental of others. What works for one person might not for another. I say, if the current plan works for you, don't worry about what other say/think. After all, they're not going to clean your house, cook your meals or care for your child(ren). I don't have children yet, but I've seen my friends who do, and they explain to me that it's not just bathing, changing and feeding their kid--they need to be played with. I didn't really grow up having to care for any babies or small children, as my siblings and I are close in age, but the few times I babysat small children, I was exhausted after 8 hours! (During which time, I didn't even have to clean house, just feed and play with the kids.) Just because the house is clean, the kids are clean, clothed and fed, and there's a meal on the table, a stay at home mother's day is not over yet. Many times my husband has told me that when he can afford to take care of all the household expenses on his salary alone, he said I didn't have to work if I choose to. Of course, I'd jump at that offer when we have children, but I still plan to work at least part time (if not full time) before we do. I do intend to stay home once we have a child. But if we don't end up having children, and I do not have to work, I still would want to work part time, or volunteer my time.
Staying at home bores me and aggravates my depression. If my future husband wants kids, he'd need to be a stay at home dad.
I don't have a problem with SAHMs until I hear someone put down a mother that works away from home. My family couldn't survive on one income (30K does not get very far now). Personally, I could never be a SHAM since I get bored too easily. I also wouldn't feel like I was providing equally for my family if I make my fiance pull in all income. I know of people who can survive on one income...but usually the other parent makes enough to do so.
i respect the choice, but it is definitely not for me. i don't think clean and cooking all day counts as a career choice. nor do i even see it as necessary. and i'd never date or have children with a man who'd expect me to do so.
I've always wondered how people think you'd have more money by working and sending the kid to daycare. Basically anything I earned would go straight into paying for the daycare. What's the point of that???
.Carrie Ann.
I am currently a stay at home wife, no children now, or expected anytime soon. After getting married we had not planned on me being a stay at home wife, but I lost my job. I looked in vain for a job for a long time after losing my job, but found nothing. Right now it is more cost effective if I do stay at home. If I worked we would have to buy another car, pay for insurance, and gas. I value what my husband does for me beyond what words could describe. People often assume because I have no children, I just sit around and do nothing. I do all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the meal planning, cooking, etc. I ask one thing from my husband and that is to take the trash out. I also blog, and work on items I sell online and at local vendors. My husband works hard, 8 hours a day. My work is not as strenuous, however I never get to leave my job behind. There is always something that needs tending to at home. Some women can't stay at home with their children, some can, some want to work outside the home, some don't. It just depends on the situation. No woman is greater or lesser than another for working outside the home, or working in the home.
But, but... according to most feminists that I've spoken with I am a "lazy bum" who likes to be "ruled by a dictator..."
You mean that I'm WRONGGGGG?
*eye roll*
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - Sooooo janitors and cooks and basically anyone who cleans/cooks all day aren't really in jobs?
@BimmerPhile@xanga - The financial point you make isn't a bad one. I mean, people can claim they're equal in the lovey-dovey sense but when it comes to hard numbers and money it can mean a very different thing.
I'm just gonna go out on a limb here: for everyone who thinks that mother's of very young children should/have to work in a financial sense, have you ever seen the cost of daycare? Often it doesn't make sense to new moms to work because they'd essentially just be paying for the childcare that was covering their work hours. I know more women than I should who actually LOSE money on childcare just so that they can continue to work or have some sense of Independence in their lives.
Power to the SAHMs, it takes more strength than most people realize, they're the best of us.
My sister is a SAHM, and she is quite possibly the busiest person I know. Even when she didn't have her etsy shop to run and jewelry shows to work, she always had something she had to get done.
Just to throw this out there, just because one stays home with their kids, doesn't mean the day is filled with JUST cooking and cleaning. You are, you know, caring for a child or children. That's a lot of work, too. Just sayin'...
Also, I'd much rather stay home with my child than pay for day care. What's the point of me working if all my money, or even the majority of it, goes to the ridiculous day care costs? Yeah, no thanks. :) I think we save money by me staying home.
I don't consider anything a job if you aren't getting paid for it. but really, what irks me about SAHMs is the raging sense of self-superiority. my mother was not a worse mother because she chose to work, but that seems to be the overwhelming message here. why should I have to respect their choice when they pity my mother for hers?
and even working full-time, she had plenty of time to cook and clean. so no, I don't think SAHMs have a full time job. if they really do, then my mother is better than any SAHM. I also favor day care for the same reason I'm pretty much against homeschooling: I think it should be by professionals.
I work 40 hours a week. My house is spotless, I cook, and I do my schoolwork. I still have days where I don't know what to do with myself, so I have no idea how you keep busy staying at home. I would be so lost if I didn't work, baby or not.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - SAHM's would then accuse career women of having a superiority complex. In the end, it sounds like you're just as insecure about yourself as a SAHM is. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me.
Haha, I'm hardly insecure. SAHMs are the parenting equivalent of Christian fundies. they demand respect but can't seem to give it to women who choose a different path. SAHMs aren't better mothers, and working women aren't worse ones. because level of employment has zip to do with how good of a parent you are. the only women in my family have all been working mothers. even my step mother, who runs an at-home daycare. and they're all fabulous mothers and role models in general.
why would you call me insecure for 1) standing up for their choices in the face of obvious insults, and 2) choosing a different path than a SAHM? I can only assume it's because you think I'm wrong on both counts. and if that's true, thank you for proving my point :)