Monday, 15 August 2011
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Instinctive Nurturing - Truth or Myth?
I hear the saying “Just follow your instincts; you’re the mother so you know best”. An implication that a mother instinctually knows what is best, deep down in her heart. Um.. is this really true? Or am I just a freak of nature?
When Elena was born I had zero instincts. My mom was helping me out at first, and I peppered her with questions that first week.
“Should I wake her up to feed her? Should I just let her sleep? Does it spoil her if I rush to her side every time she cries? Do the cartoon characters go on the front or back? (Yup my first diaper change I got it backwards) How do I get her to eat?”
Really, it was bad. Looking back I am astonished I didn’t somehow damage Elena for life with my limited knowledge of baby care.
I knew two things: That I wanted to be a “good” mom. (Whatever that is) and I wanted to do things the “right” way. (Again, whatever that is)
I remember feeling overwhelmed at this little child I loved, but felt like I didn’t know her. I felt guilty because I didn’t really feel bonded at birth like so many people seemed to feel. And I was obsessively reading all this mothering material hoping it would help it come naturally.
That was six years ago. Since then I have two more babies. AND I am pleased to announce that I finally, finally, have a maternal instinct. Woot woot!
I was sick the week Brandt was born. Dog-sick, throwing up, and coughing.. Since my mental state was less than optimal, I couldn’t tell if I was in labor or not, and didn’t even tell Gene until it was way too late. We made it to the hospital, the mid-wife freaked out because I was fully dilated and ready to go. A couple of pushes later Brandt was born, and I felt nothing. Physically yes, but emotionally I felt nothing. I remember thinking “I should hold him because that’s what good mothers do, but really I just want to sleep”.
The next day my mother-in-law came to visit us at the hospital, and she made the remark “Well it’s all worth the pain now, isn’t it?” I distinctly remember thinking “No, it’s not worth the pain at all” but instead I said “I guess so”.
Then came the year of a fussy baby, and bonding with Brandt came v.e.r.y. slowly. Now, he is such a sweet kind-hearted kid and I wish I would have better memories of him being born.
When Madelyn was born, it was the polar opposite of Brandt. I wanted to hold her, and loving her wasn’t a choice I had to make, but it came naturally.
Instinctive nurturing did not happen for me like I thought it would. I guess I would say I learned how to nurture. I found my “instinct” through practice, and choosing to do what good mothers do even when it feels goofy and like I’m pretending.
Sarah Hrdy is an author who claims: “Mothers do not automatically and unconditionally respond to giving birth in a nurturing way.”
She says later: “A woman who is committed to being a mother will learn to love any baby, whether it's her own or not.”
I found this quote to be consistent with my own experience, and I’m wondering what all your experiences have been.
Did that 'motherly instinct' kick in for you or did it take time?
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About the Author
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- From: writersblock02@xanga
- Name: Andrea
- Location: Lancaster, Pennsylvania, United States
- About Me: I'm a mom of three. I am a farmer's wife, and have had a hard time adjusting to that. I like writing, acting silly with my kids, and having long conversations with my husband. I'm on a quest for a peaceful, simple life. I follow Jesus.
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Comments (17)
Let's don't ask Casey Anthony.
It took time. Esp since it was an unplanned (and, at the time, unwanted) pregnancy. He was just a perfect screaming stranger that I immediately handed off to my then-boyfriend. My son is now 1.5 years old and I couldn't love him more but it certainly took a good few months before the bonding kicked in.
The first few days I oddly didn't feel much 'love' for him, which upset me because I have been anxiously awaiting motherhood since I was like ten.. but the lack of emotion was probably due to the massive amount of pain drugs I took at the hospital that did NOTHING.. Anyways.. After that it was definite and warm and natural and I love his face off now, at a month old.
my hubby and I are fosterparents because we have not been able to have our own (7 yrs HTC and still going) and I love every one of the 11 children we have been blessed to look after. At first I did not think it would be easy for me to take in and love a stranger's baby, but the moment I took our first little one out of his car seat and he snuggled into me, I knew I was doing what God had planned for us. I get attached to them easily, and I have been blessed with that "momma instinct" which makes it heartbreaking and devastating each time one goes home.. but knowing that I gave that little one all the love I had makes it worth it.. and usually within a month I am ready to go again.
I am honestly scared to have my own baby. I am not good with pain, but worse with needles.. and I have been in the delivery room.. yea no thanks.
I've ALWAYS loved babies. For as long as I can remember I've been excited to be around them. I have babysat a few times. Overnight a few times. I even worked in a daycare/preschool for three years.
The mommy instincts were there when I became pregnant. They really are wonderful & something to listen to whenever they're telling you something. However, bonding with my babies did take a few days. I loved them but I didn't feel that overwhelming feeling of love & joy & connection with them that very first day or two.
However, just a couple of days in I feel like I'm quickly finding myself wrapped around their little finger & in awe of them & loving them fiercely. It's to the point that when I think of them & how much I love them, how proud I am of them, that I get teary eyed.
I am currently pregnant with our first baby, so I can't say I have the first hand experience of the birthing bond and maternal instincts. From the women I've spoken to, however, some say that they felt afraid that they didn't feel this "magical" insta-love feeling that they've heard fabled in birth stories of other women. At the time they reported feeling that it contributed to [their] post partum experience in that they felt like "bad moms" because they didn't have the bond right away. I think from what I can tell just from listening to others is that the "magical bond insta-love" of mother and baby, including the instincts, is generally speaking a myth in that it happens innately and automatically in all women. It's perpetuated that moms SHOULD be feeling these things right away and that if they don't, something must be wrong with them. I'm trying to prepare myself for handling these feelings if indeed I feel somewhat strange at first.
For me, I did bond pretty much immediately and my instincts did seem to kick in, but that's just me personally. I still have a lot to learn! Everyone's motherhood experience is different.
I am sure if you mother was not there, you would have done what you thought was right. And that is a mothers instincts. I have 4 and it did not take a while for them to kick in what took a while was for m to trust them. And become my child;s defender and not allow others to tell me I am/was wrong. Cause at the end of the day I was right.
I think there's actually three factors at work here: instinctive nurturing, instant bonding, and practical experience.
Instinctive nurturing, I do believe is real. It's what keeps animal mothers near their babies and feeding them; it's necessary for species' survival, and I don't think it has to do so much with things like diapering. Rather, I think it's the instinct to protect, shelter, and feed your baby.
Instant bonding... I have heard some women say that it happened to them, (even some dads), and some women say that it takes a while.
Practical experience is what I think you were mostly talking about in the blog. That has to do with what side the characters go on, knowing how to get a onesie on quickly, what temp the bottle needs to be at. I have this, and I'm not a mom! This is just about how many babies you've been around. Pushing one out doesn't give you this information automatically. :)
@Diva_Jyoti_3@xanga - Good one!
It may have been all the drugs from my emergency c-section but I immediately felt it. I had never wanted to have kids and was scared my whole pregnancy that it wouldn't happen. But it did, thank goodness. Previously I had preferred grown dogs to children.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - Definitly agree 100%! Instinctive nurturing is biological, and it's something we have because we're animals. Knowing how to put a diaper on is NOT instinct, and
way back when, diapers didn't exist. Many cultures still don't use them. And a lot of the practical experience that we learn from our mothers and other people is so cultural. Like the idea that holding a baby to much will spoil them. Mothers in other cultures hold their babies almost 24/7.It took a while, for me. I sometimes still ask my mom about things. lol
We DO have natural instincts, but there are so many people out there claiming their way of parenting is the "right way" and doctors and nurses and family members and strangers telling us we are doing things wrong or this is how is supposed to be done and what not. All these people stifle our instincts and make us question every movement we make with our babies! Every other living thing on this earth knows how to take care of their babies and there are no little cat doctors or grandma birds telling all the other cats and birds how to take care of their children!
It seems from observing women that some seem to have a natural instinct and some have to learn it. There are a few that don't do either and they should probably consider adoption as an option for the sake of their children who for some reason they can't seem to care two figs about
I think it has more to do with a mother's own comfort with her knowledge and experience with babies. We are an odd society where we group people together with their same age peers and seldom encourage people to enteract across age boundaries. It's "normal" for people with similar idea's and in similar situations to seek eachother out and often this leaves children growing up with limited experience with younger children. Since many many children are the "only child" in a household, or siblings are born close together,many older children don't get that interaction with babies when they're old enough to learn about how Mother cares for Baby.
Mother has her daughter.
daughter has a son.
Mother hasn't handled a baby since daughter, and daughter has never handled or seen a baby handled untill son.
It's how our society kind of works.
So our children become parents with zero prior knowledge of how to be parental.
that's my confusing theory.
i think that's why most "new" mom's feel that initial disconnect and overwhelming "I am SO not doing this right!" feeling.
I think it is natural to *want* to care for our babies.
I think it's society or culture that teaches us How to care for them.
I guess I'm lucky then. I'm currently pregnant with my first child, but I have been a guest to several births. I have an instant bond with any child I see. When my cousin was born, she had to stay in the NICU for a while,. While I was visiting, I saw a very sick child who the nurse told me had a mother who refused to see him and a father who simply wasn't there. If I had been old enough to adopt, that poor baby would have gone home with me.