Wednesday, 10 August 2011
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Words of Wisdom - What To Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Child
This is a guest post from Tater Twins.
I read an article again today and thought I’d share. I’d first read this several years ago, and it all still rings true. It’s a gentle reminder for those who wonder how to help. It was originally written in regards to miscarriage, however I find it fitting for any child loss. I think it’s a great resource.
Miscarriage – What to Say by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I have thoughts on some of this, from my own personal experiences. I know the majority of the comments that hurt me weren’t made with that intention. They came from people who aren’t malicious or mean. It takes a lot to offend me, and usually I realize that it’s the thought that counts, that the person is just thinking of us… But once in a while something really stings, maybe because I’m having a crappy day to begin with or whatever. So I’ve tried to keep an open mind and remember that it’s super hard to know what to say to me sometimes. Goodness, I don’t know what to say half the time. But please, do know that just knowing my friends are listening means so much. Just seeing a simple comment of ‘I’m reading’ is nice, and I love that you all do that for me.
I’m going to share some of the points of the article that struck me, the ones that rang very true for me.
*Don’t say, “You can always have another one.” This baby was never disposable.
You know, I hated this. I didn’t know that I could have another one (let alone two!). I’d lost three babies, two in a row. Even if I could physically, I didn’t think I could handle the emotional aspects of another pregnancy. Or the reverse- which was almost worse- when people would say stuff like “Maybe this is God’s way of saying you have enough kids.” I have no words to even describe how that one makes me feel.
*Don’t say, “Be grateful for the children you have.” If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
OMG this one. It’s a huge, huge pet peeve of mine. It just doesn’t make any sense to me! Would I be allowed to grieve more, be sadder, etc if I had no other kids? Just because I have others doesn’t make my losses hurt any less, or those babies wanted any less! My babies were very wanted and planned for.
*Don’t say, “Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it.” I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
Like I said, we wanted these babies, we loved them before we even conceived them. My heart isn’t any less broken because I didn’t get to spend more time with them.
*Do say, “I am so sorry.” That’s enough. You don’t need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
YES. Seriously. Just saying, “Oh, hey, I read this entry and don’t know what to say, sorry you are sad” really is enough. Just being allowed to be sad is wonderful. I know that sounds weird, but it really is good for me to be able to work through my feelings and stuff and not be told to get over it or whatever.
*Do say, “I have lighted a candle for your baby,” or “I have said a prayer for your baby.” Do send flowers or a kind note – every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don’t resent it if I don’t respond.
Oh my goodness, yes! It means the world to me when someone takes the time to remember my babies. Every note, card, etc I’ve received I’ve carefully saved. It’s all I’ll have for them, you know? I won’t have years of pictures and school work. So each of my babies has a special box where I put things I’m given for them. One of the best things I ever got was a simple picture frame a friend made me with Elora’s name and a place for a photo of her. LOVE it. It’s proudly displayed with my living kids, because she’s just as important, just as loved.
How have you offered your support to a family dealing with a loss? If you've lost a child, what have others done to comfort you?
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Comments (10)
One of my close friends has had 4 miscarriages in the past 2 years. I never know what to say to her. She ends up crying and says no one ever asks if shes ok, but I never say anything about it because what if shes not thinking about it, I don't want to bring it up and make her think about it and make her upset so thats why I never ask her if shes ok. I feel bad because I want to be there for her, I just don't know how. I know theres nothing I can say that will change how she feels, or the fact that she probably can't have kids. When her sister had a baby a couple weeks ago, I did call her then and ask if she was ok, Because her and her sister got pregnant at the same time. Her sister didnt want a kid, she did and she lost hers while her sister stayed pregnant so I know that was hard on her.
Its hard to find the right things to say about this issue.
Ive heard them all the ones that hurt me the most was you can always have another one. The is not something i want to hear aiden can not be embraced. the other one that got me is i dont wanna picture with his tubes on him...uhm hello thats how he was alive. i still get comments all the time the most recent one is wow thats and ugly baby your lucky he isnt here i wanted to kick the person in her mouth...to me he is beautiful i understand not all have the same opnion but really dont even say that to me. some people just dont think before they speak
Thanks for this article. I would never have known what to say to a friend or family member who has suffered a miscarriage. Such a sad event, I hope to be a good friend if this happens in the future.
@Aletheas_Unspoken_words@xanga - Sorry to hear about your friend's miscarriages, I can't imagine what I would do if my friend suffered the same loss while her ungrateful sister bemoans her own pregnancy. I agree, this is one of those situations that not many things can be said to make a person feel better.
My friend is grieving her third miscarriage in a row. The hardest thing for her is her family keeps telling her "Oh, it's just one more." Her and I talk almost every day and all she ever tells me is "thank you." She tells me all she wants is someone to listen to her. This last baby she lost was into her second trimester. She had an appointment on Monday and she found out her little boy had a heart defect, and when she called her mother to talk with her about it, her mom told her "Well, it's good you didn't have to deal with that." I couldn't believe it. This is her own family being so cruel. She calls me and I just listen. I know there isn't anything else I can do for her and it's all she wants anyway.
I've never said anything other than just I am sorry. It's kind of good to know that people feel that its enough. I never know what else to say even though I wish I could say more. I can relate as a mother to how much you love your unborn child, and I can't imagine what it feels like. It wouldn't matter to me if the child were 6 weeks in utero or 30 years old, I would be devastated if they died. I can't imagine saying to anyone, you can have another one. You'd never say this to anyone who lost a child after the were born so why say it to someone that had a miscarriage. To the parents, it was their child.
Sometimes Im sorry is all you really can and should say. Especially if you have never been through the loss of a child, and have no idea how that person is feeling.
Just say you are sorry. Almost everything else will earn you a swift punch to the throat.
@dreamer_in_my_heart@xanga - It's wonderful that you can be there for her like no one else. Sometimes we just need an ear, or a shoulder.
When I lost my mom, no words helped, and I got tired of hearing "I'm sorry." What helped was going about my life and taking it day by day, living as normal as possibly with my fiance (then boyfriend - we'd been together for three days when my mom passed). He was wonderful through it. He listened to me vent, cry, all of that sad shit. And he took me by the figurative hand and walked me forward, every day.
I try to avoid saying I'm sorry to people who are hurting, but I let them know that I sympathize in other ways. It's just so hard.
I'm sorry is ok. but it can also be cliche. esp. when you hear it from everyone. Add a couple more words. Say why you're sorry. Even, I'm sorry about your baby, is better then just "i'm sorry".
just sayin'.
The pain and loss are not something we can appreciate unless we've been there, so just saying how sorry we are simply has to suffice. May I also say something to those who say judgmental things to women who've had abortions? Usually something is said like, "Well, it's really a good thing that you realize what a horrible thing you've done, and so now you have to learn to live with yourself." That kind of comment keeps women in the closet for decades, after having abortions, for many reasons, and I really think it's time we step it up as far as showing love and support for those women as well. I attended a fundamentalist church that had it's members pounding crosses into the lawn to commemorate aborted babies. Three of my closest friends there had had abortions three decades ago, been through counseling, prayed about their decisions, and yet, when that one act was done by the congregants it was too painful for them to participate in. They felt like lepers, and never came back. It's painful, and it's not as easy as many think.