Monday, 01 August 2011
-
How Do You Deal With Depression When You're Not the One Depressed?
A close friend of mine was recently diagnosed with depression. I'd always known something wasn't right, though what it was I hadn't a clue. He was moody, unsocial, distant and occasionally thought of suicide. He even attempted it once, fortunately unsuccessfully. He's still struggling with all of those things, except now he's medicated.
But let's face it, being medicated only helps if you take your meds the way you should. Having never dealt with depression myself, makes this whole thing difficult to deal with, puts a strain on our friendship and makes it difficult to understand.
I work in a correctional facility, so I get why the inmates are in a funk. Some of them will spend their entire lives behind bars, others will be put to death and the rest that don't apply to the previous statements are young and ignorant to their situation. But I understand why they are depressed, I would be too if I knew I was gonna rot or die in jail, with no family and no friends.
With my friend's depression I'm in the dark -literally. I never know what to say or not say, if I should ask him how he's feeling or not, how to show him that I'm supportive or make him understand that I do care but I'm not good at showing it. If I try to talk to him about it he clams up or he gets upset with me for asking questions. I don't know how to reach out to him, and it bothers me that I just don't know.
So what is it I'm supposed to do?
He's been going through these spells, when his depression kicks in he wants to kill himself. Lately, the time in between those spells is getting shorter and shorter. I worry that he will take his life. Yesterday he left me a voicemail telling me that he was in love with me and that he couldn't do this anymore. I don't respond to that too well. If there is some phrase, or some politically correct something that I should say it would be great if I knew it.
I will be blunt, I'm not the emotional type per se. I'm rude, blunt, and if you ask me a question I will give you an honest answer, which would most likely be an answer you won't like. I don't sugar-coat anything, and more often then not, some people have said (both behind my back and to my face) that I'm mean, abrasive, and uncaring. Sure I can be those things when I choose to be, but more often than not, I'm genuinely a nice person til you give me reason not to be such.
I worry about him and telling him that only makes him angry. The last time I tried to talk to him about how he was feeling...let's just say I almost lost my head! Lesson learned, I won't be doing that again. I worry about him, I really do, he thinks otherwise and tells me I only say that to make him think I care.
Problem is, for all the caring in the world there is absolutely nothing I could say or do if he does decide to kill himself. I wouldn't be able to get to him fast enough to stop him. What's worse is that is that I would have no option to say good bye, his familia knows nada about me, so I wouldn't get any information about his funeral assuming there was enough of him left to bury.
So, I'm thinking of just walking away. Move on, I still have to live. I'm not gonna beat myself up about his mental status, because that's not my mental status. I can only hope that he chooses to do the same, but in the end I can't help him with it, and I can't do it for him.
Have you experienced depression from the other side? How did you help your friend or do you think there's a limit to how much you can help someone suffering from depression?
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: nubian_qween@xanga
- Name: nubian_qween
- About Me: I am who I am, you don't have to like it, but you will respect it.
-
True
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 10 Views: 0 10993 Comments: 0 174 View all posts by nubian_qween@xanga
Comments (7)
Maybe ask him questions about his day when you see him that has nothing to do with his depression?
easiest way to help someone with depression: Hug them, especially if they are crying.....it becomes kind of a beacon of hope.
Two things. One, make sure you aren't coming to your interactions with this guy from the perspective of selfishness. You say you're rude, blunt, etc. Sometimes practicing grace is a benefit to you, as well as to those around you. And most importantly, two, if you act like "he's unstable" you'll hurt him.
Act normal, that's what you do. So long as acting normal means being NICE. The limit of helping those who are depressed? I question what your whole attitude of depression is. It sounds like you think depression is a call out for attention. And that is DEF not always, or even usually, the case. I suggest that you find out more about depression rather than judging.I think my attitude on this comes from when my father died and people were afraid to bring up the subject. No one say anything about dying. No one say anything about heart attacks. God forbid anyone address the elephant in the room. Not knowing what to say is ok. But saying nothing is not.
It's ok to say, "i don't know really how to approach this, so I'm going to act normal and say I'm sorry and that if you need anything, I'm there for you. You just have to let me know."
I went through a situation like this with a young friend of mine in high school. He had a very rough life, and struggled with depression every day. He tried just about every med out there, including the natural ones, and nothing worked. We got to be pretty close friends, though he was 2 years younger then me. At first I just thought he was a quiet kid, then I just asked him what was going on. He told me his story, and I told him I had pretty much no clue if I could help him in any way. He said the best way to help him was not to try to fix him, or treat him like he had a disease. Just love and accept him for who he was.
After 3 years, he ended his life after his dad beat the daylights out of him with a metal bat. I still have the 9 page letter he wrote me, and I will never ever forget the impact he had on my life.
You don't have to know how to "deal with" it, just be there. Sometimes there will be days where you will be like "OMG yes, you are depressed. I get it. Take meds, get over it" but until you have felt what someone with depression goes through, you really won't have an idea. 2 years ago my Dr finally pinpointed that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, or seasonal depression. I finally get what my friend was going though.
On another note, a buddy of mine in college was always threatening to kill himself for attention. I finally got so mad at him (mostly due to losing my friend in high school) that I told him to do it if he was serious, and if not shut up about it because I was sick of hearing it. No one herd from him for a week and I felt horrible. Until he called me and said thank you for being honest. I cried in relief and told him I was sorry for what I said. He said that was what he needed to hear. (but really, Do not do what I did!! I did not sleep for a week).
There absolutely is a limit to how far you can help someone. You cannot help them if they do not want to get help for example, or if they are not willing to admit they need help.
well acording to glassesR you fucking leave. Because god knows a healthy me would do those things.
fuck him