Monday, 25 July 2011
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Advice Needed: I'm Not The Father, How Involved Can I Get?
I really have no idea what to do, so I figure what better way to find out than to ask a bunch of mothers and expecting mothers.
Last week I received a text message from a friend of mine. In that text she told me that she was pregnant. Now, I have to add before the wrong impression gets made, that the baby isn't mine. I've known this girl for going on four years now, and we've gone out as friends a bunch of times. We've tried to get together numerous other times, but it just hasn't worked out; and apart from a few drunk texts one New Years Eve when she suggested we should get married because we have so much in common we've never been anything more than friends. So I guess the picture I'm trying to paint is that we aren't in a relationship, never have been; but we're not strangers either.
Anyway, she told me that she's four months pregnant and the father is a guy from her work. When he found out she was pregnant and that she was keeping it, he suddenly wants nothing to do with her or the baby. This really set me off. I mean, she wasn't alone in making the baby. I told her that the guy needs to man up and take responsibility for what he did. So she's pregnant, and the father wants nothing to do to help. I've probably been more involved in her pregnancy than the father has. Just last night her and I were throwing around baby names for when the time comes.
The problem is, I don't know how involved I should get. I mean, she told me her family knows and they took the news better than she expected them to take it. So that tells me that she has some support. I don't know how many of her other friends she's told. I feel compelled to help her out in whatever way I can. It's her first pregnancy so going to the appointments quite possibly alone might very well be daunting and unnerving. She may not have the money to buy the crib and everything that needs to be bought for when the baby comes.
I hesitate to bring any of this up to her, because I know that it's really none of my business and I don't want to butt my head into a place where it's not welcome. I just want her to know that, even though she may feel like it, she doesn't have to go through this by herself. I want her to know that if she wants me to I'd go to the appointments with her, and help her get things ready for the baby. Again though, I go back to thinking that it's none of my business and I don't want her to think I'm trying to pry myself into her life.
Do any of you have advice? What would you want someone like me to do if you were in her situation? Is it out of line for me to ask if I can help?
Any advice that you can give is greatly appreciated.
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About the Author
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- From: waitingonamiracle05@xanga
- Name: waitingonamiracle05
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 3264 Comments: 0 42 View all posts by waitingonamiracle05@xanga
Comments (42)
@Erika_Steele@xanga - That is one thing I didn't think of at first, but it becoming more clear to me. That if she does want my help, I'll more than likely be a big part of the kids life.
@waitingonamiracle05@xanga - I think it is a harder concept to wrap your head around when you are younger. It's kind of like being an uncle. In fact with our close friends, we tell our kids that that's your aunt/uncle. Sometimes family is not about being related by blood, it is more about being related by love.
what a good guy you are. honest engine. its insane you are being this helpful and wanting to be this helpful, when the situation doesnt even involve you. BUT however, beware because if you do help her and she accepts your help, later she may make decisions without you or move on with her life (meets a new guy romantically) and you will feel left out ans out of place in her life. you can help her but dont get attached to her OR her baby too much basically. it may end up breaking your heart.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - Long short story. haha. but very touching.
@waitingonamiracle05@xanga - Printing this out and showing it to her is a good idea because it's hard to put these things into words...that's why you came to Momaroo to ask. Showing this post to your shows you care and at the same time don't want to overstep boundaries as a friend. She'll appreciate that. And I think it will make it easier for her to explain to you what help you can be, if she's comfortable with that.
Makes communicating easier, IMO. Good luck! You're an awesome guy :)
@waitingonamiracle05@xanga - it would let her know exactly what you're thinking! i think its a great idea
I think you should do what a @SarahC0828 said and print this out and show it to her. The worst she can do is tell you that she doesn't want you involved.
But sit down and talk with her about how you feel. With her being pregnant I'm sure it will take some of the stress away knowing she has someone to depend on even if it's not the baby's father. But be careful not to get too wound up int he situation. Once the baby is born you will have to think about who they percieve you to be (daddy).
@waitingonamiracle05@xanga - I think this is very important what you just said.
" I'm not entirely sure right now what I want
out of the relationship. I do know that I want to and am willing to help
her in any way possible. I should also add that I'm not doing this to
get anything out of the relationship, just to help. "
I really think this comment you made is very important.
I think being supportive to her is great, but let her know that for NOW you're only doing it with the intent of being a supportive FRIEND to her. tell her that you're concerned about how you're to act towards her because you want to respect her boundaries and that respecting her and her comfort level is very important to you and the friendship.
I don't know her so I'm only guessing based on how _I_ may feel in a similar situation. I wouldn't be surprised if she "falls for you"...
she's going through a very challenging situation and you're stepping up when the father of the child left her high and dry. I would think it would be very likely that she'll develop more serious feelings towards you. You may, with out intention, play the role of "knight in shining armor" so to speak. i think that's something to be cautious of and why i think it's very important to be VERY honest with her about what your intentions are.
Of course, everything could play out so many different ways. Just be honest with her about wanting to respect her boundaries and as others have said, ask her directlywhat she feels would be the best way for you to show your support as a friend.
Best of luck to her and I'm glad to hear you're being such a supportive friend :)
You sound like a really sweet friend. But, first of all, you both need to decide whether your relationship is going to be friendly or romantic. That is obviously the most important thing. If you just want to be friends, that's nice of you to go to her appointments and stuff, but everyone will assume you are the father. If you're in love with her and want to be with her, now can be a good time to take the next step and get involved, and be there to support her and the baby, although that is a big task..
If I were in her situation, I would not want you to lead me on but not want a relationship. I would probably get too attached, and think I found a man who wants to marry me and help me raise my child. Don't lead her on like that then leave. And don't be involved in the baby's life for a long period of time then leave either. So the best thing you can do is decide what type of relationship you want. It's going to be hard to be supportive, go to doc appts, etc. and not fall into the father role. Good luck!
it seems like you guys are good friends if not BEST friends. honestly, keep it simple and just tell her how you feel. asking us ...yeah we can give you advice but we also dont know her. let HER BE THE ONE to tell you how and how much you can help. im sure she'll appreciate it.
and if it gets to the point where you and her are okay with you being the "father figure" than ...just let it be.
best of luck!
What if you get involved, end up loving the kid and seeing her met someone new and moving far away with him, or not letting you have time with this kid?
It will be heartbreaking! Plus, even if you're just a friend, a new boyfriend or husband might not see the situation the same way.
Please think about these things.
@mycontinuity@xanga - Yes, thank you for bringing that to my attention. It's something I have thought about before. But still, thank you for brining it up. I really do need to look at all sides of this.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - Good advice
You should marry her.
I am sure she will be grateful and appreciative of all the support she can get. At the same time, it is very important that you be very sensitive of the unwritten boundaries which are going to be there.
Being that being said, you are only trying to be a good friend, there is no reason you should stop yourself from being one; but part of that is supporting only when it is needed, and not babying her. In this case, to me, it is most vital that you are clearly and openly communicating with each other. As what other people have suggested, basically just talk to her about everything you are thinking here, lol.Good luck.
Just talk to her. Be careful though, she might take it that you want to be the father for the child and it sounds like you just want to be there as a friend, not a baby daddy.
first of all... I know you have a ton of credits already but here are my thoughts...
1. SUGGEST she goes to court for child support.
2. SUGGEST she has a baby shower for her family and a second one for her work and off hand friends... she'll get more stuff and showers arent that hard to plan for... I had to plan my own (its this sunday =])
3. Tell her if she needs you you're only 7 numbers away she can call or text any time... other then that I would leave it open especially cause she will be freaked out and a little needy... unless you wanna go full family with her I would take a step back.