Thursday, 19 May 2011
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Breastfeeding Without Support
My little monkey is almost four weeks old, and everything seems to be going really well with him! He is more alert during the day and starting to coo and squawk, not just cry! He's eating like a horse and seems to be growing well.
The only complaint I have since giving birth is the complete lack of support from my family in regards to breast feeding. I did a lot of reading while I was pregnant and right after baby B's birth about feeding options and learned a lot about formula versus breast feeding.
I was amazed to learn different facts and statistics about formula and decided that, if possible, breast feeding is what's best for me and my baby. Hubby is fully supportive of breast feeding and actually excited because that means that he won't be getting up for night feedings!
Neither my mom nor my mother-in-law breastfed for any length of time, and my older sister tried to breast feed her two kids but was unsuccessful and decided to switch to formula after a very short time. I had read that the inability to breast feed was NOT genetic and so there was no good reason why I couldn't be successful even if they weren't. But, my choice has definitely hit some raw nerves with those women in my lives.
My mom and MIL aren't opposed to breast feeding, just passive-aggressively encouraging me to supplement and use formula. For example: even after asking every time she calls (daily, sometimes several times daily) how breast feeding is going, she still sends us formula coupons. Both her and my mom think baby is eating too often (he's eating every 2 hours or so during the day and every 3-4 at night) and that I should supplement to "fix" this.
My mom last night on the phone said that he should be sleeping through the night by now and he would if I'd just give him formula. She also asked if he's grown out of his newborn clothes yet and suggested that if he hasn't he must not be growing enough so I should be giving him formula.
My research about breast feeding tells me that as long as he is having 3-4 poopy diapers a day that he is getting plenty to eat. Yesterday he had 8. EIGHT! And, to put my worries about night time feedings to bed (haha) he slept from 10:30 to 5 AM last night. I guess I just need to get used to defending my parenting choices early, because this will definitely not be the last time I butt heads with either my mom or MIL. UGH!
Are your relatives supportive of your parenting choices? How did you deal with unsupportive ones?
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About the Author
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- From: meggiek123@xanga
- Name: Meg
- Location: Fargo, North Dakota, United States
- About Me: Mommy of one and teacher of many- just trying to make a difference in the world!
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Comments (26)
I don't know of any almost 4 week old baby that sleeps through the night....what are they talking about?!?! But actually, you said he slept a little over 6 hours the other night and people consider that "all night" in newborn land
You should try to educate your mom and MIL anytime they bring it up. If they comment about how often he's eating, tell them that breastmilk goes through the digestive tract faster, so he will be hungrier sooner. And when they comment on his weight, tell them you have been taking him to his regular checkups and the doctor says he is growing perfectly. You don't have to be snotty about it, but they definitely need to know there are differences with breastmilk and there's nothing wrong with it! At least your hubby is supportive....that's what really matters. This will probably be one of many things that you'll do differently than the other women in your life. You are the mom, so you can do what you want. They already had their chance 
Now they just need to sit back and enjoy being grandparents!
I had to laugh at the comment about 4 week olds sleeping through the night. I think some people have selective memories. My mom gave up on trying to get me to use formula or supplement breastmilk with cereal. My hubby and his family are all very pro-breastfeeding. However, it was my doctor that was able to convince me to give it a try. I agree ith the previous poster, you can try explaining to your mom how breastmilk works in the benefits of breastmilk over formula.
This sounds like my family lol. I wanted to nurse my son right from the get go (he's not due until July) and my hubby is fully supportive as well, but no one in our family is. My mother in law actually thinks it's "gross" and that I should be embarrassed to nurse outside of my home. She's boughten us TONS of formula that I just keep donating because I refuse to not breastfeed unless, for some reason, it's just not possible. Neither her nor my own mom nursed their children and the fact that I want to breastfeed is almost foreign to them. I'm not caving under pressure though :) I know the benefits of nursing my little guy will far outweigh any negative comments from others.
Makes me so sad when people give the argument about babies sleeping through the night. Babies aren't supposed to sleep through the night!! Their stomachs are tiny tiny. Formula is packed full of crap to try and fill a baby's belly, but it's crap!! The generation or two before ours raised kids in the age of convenience. Formula and disposable diapers came on the scene to "liberate" women, and many don't understand why we would give up those conveniences. When really, breastfeeding was way more convenient. You had perfectly heated milk with the perfect nutrition ready to go at any time. No carrying around bottles, formula, juggling a baby while trying to mix a bottle, etc.
Stick with it and ignore the coupons. You do what's best for you and your baby.
lol, just tell them if formula is so much better why do all the major formula provides try to emulate breast milk? I didn't have support for different reasons... My family was creeped out by it... Freakin' weirdo's!
That stinks! My mom and mil are totally for it! I know a few women who didn't end up breastfeeding, but I don't condemn them, they had reasons (not saying you are lol). The first 3 weeks were the hardest for me and my son.
At his 4 month appointment his dr said if he didn't gain the weight he was supposed to, they would recommend that I supplement with formula. My son was fine for his weight, just to be on the safe side, I nursed him every two hours during the day and every 4 hours at night. I took him to a 5 month appointment to check his weight and he had gained 2 lbs within that month!
My mom was asking me that early (4 weeks) if he was sleeping through the night... wth??? lol I guess some older mom's just don't remember haha
I know that not every woman who wants to breast feed her children is able to, so what a blessing that you are one that can! I support you; God bless you in all you do in caring for your children!
I had a similar situation with my child but it came from his baby sitter, who I regret to this day allowing her within any distance of my child and she sabotaged my efforts to breast feed. Thankfully I was able to do it for up to three months even though I wanted to do it longer. Do what you feel is right, whether they like it or not - they have to respect that.
My MIL once said to me, "If I ever give you advice that you do want or
need, just ignore it" That is what I would tell you to do hear, listen
politely and they do want you think is best. That is one of the best things about being the mother now, you get to make the decisions. I would not be surprised in your mother and MIL are harboring a little guilt about not having breastfed there own children.
Thanks for all the support mamas! @wearywalden@xanga - I think so, too, that's why I just needed to vent a little bit because I feel guilty for being so upset about it! It's frustrating hearing women that are so important to me being negative about my parenting decisions already!
You know you're right and I'm so proud of you for sticking with it. In a generation of new moms where our own moms were being told that formula is better than breastmilk, it's just another hurdle to overcome.
This is what I would tell your mom and MIL if mine were acting the same way... "I know breastfeeding didn't work out for you, and that's okay. But this is what I have chosen to do. When you were a new parent, I'm sure you hated it when those closest to you criticized your parenting decisions. So why are you criticizing me? Please stop talking to me about supplementing with formula. Don't send coupons, don't tell me that my baby should be doing X and sleeping X hours when you know deep down that it's different for every baby. You are simply trying to make yourself feel better about the decisions you made as a parent. If you really want to be supportive, then support me. Don't criticize."
And hang in there, you are an amazing mom!
They're nuts! We had six kids, all breast fed, and they ate when they were hungry and didn't when they weren't. They'd eat like crazy just prior to a growth spurt and slow down in between. If it is what you and your husband have decided, then tell them to either support your decision or find another subject to talk about. It's not like you've chosen to beat the baby every day and swear off modern medicine.
To be honest....
It doesnt sound like they know what they are talking about.. Just do what your doing! I dont even get how feeding is so.... controvery?
My kids always wanted booby, so my relatives and in-laws got used to them breastfeeding. In fact, my daughter turns 3 in July, and she still clamors for booby, especially at night. One time, she even lifted my mom's shirt, when the latter was trying to put her to sleep. My mom laughed, "Uh uh, this factory shut down years ago!"
They don't seem to know what they're talking about. I have never heard of a four week old sleeping through the night, and I just a few weeks ago was pouring through baby magazines. I think the standard would be eating every three hours, but every baby is different, and that's okay.
I am also sorry they aren't more supportive. When possible, breast milk really is best, but you already know that. :P Unfortunately, I don't have much advice to offer. My relationship with my mom is strained, and my fiance's mother is so horrible that he ended contact with her two years ago. (Took him long enough!) Maybe you could politely let them know that their comments and coupons bother you, and educate them as to the reasons why breast milk is better.
I didn't get any support from my family either. My in-laws at the time were cool about it though. My mother actually tried to give my son a bottle because she insisted he'd drink it. He didn't. Duh. But just ignore them. They want to be of help to you as a new mother and you are doing something that they can't help with. Perhaps, just for fun ask for some advice in some other area like bathing or diaper choice or something. Good luck. (And you're probably making them feel crappy for not breast feeding while you are successful at it. My grandmother told me her only regret in life was not breast feeding her children. I think it's an issue that comes back to haunt some women later in life.)
it's YOUR baby and YOUR body and for the most part BOTH will let you know what's best. formula didn't exist hundreds of years ago and people still grew fine. we produce milk because it has all the things babies need. to me it just seems that they are upset that THEY COULDN'T or DIDN'T that doesn't mean they should tell you what to do with your kid.
I'm really glad you're sticking to your guns. I hear breastfeeding is really beneficial and while I wouldn't look down on someone for feeding their baby formula, I can't believe anyone would actually encourage you not to breastfeed.
With my daughter (now 5) I didn't have the proper info and didn't get ahold of the right kind of support who could not only help me through the tought times but offer up possible solutions that didn't involve supplementing. My poor daughter ended up having a terrible time with formula so I vowed to better educate myself, stick to it, and not give in to temptation with my second child. Despite long nights, thrush infections, bad latches, and even mastitis I managed to exclusively BF my son (now 2.5) to 6 months then continue only giving breast milk (from the breast. NO BOTTLES!) until he was 1 then again continue to only BF from the breast while also offering other liquids by cup (NO FRIGGIN BOOTLES. Sorry, I just hate those damn things for every single reason available) until he weaned at 17-18 months. Both he and I were ready. I needed to go on some medication I'd been putting off so I could BF and he was ready to move on as well. He was only habit feeding by that point anyway. He'd hang off of me, clenching, playing, and NOT eating. Time to be done! While everyone did support me they always gave formula as their solution to problems I had. However, I did join LLL where they are very supportive and knowledgeable in most cases and also got onto the forums at Mothering.com (a natural approach to parenting and VERY BF friendly). With mostly online help I made it through the tough phases even after failing miserably with my daughter. Things still went wrong but I just didn't allow myself to give in and reminded myself that he was getting enough from me and so long as I ate healthy he was getting the best nutrition possible. No bottles or sippies did mean I was on my own. You can compromise on the night duty by asking your significant other to get up and change the diaper while you get comfy and ready for feedings. Helps a ton!
Being a pre-med student and having taken child development, doctors themselves are at odds about breast-feeding. Some say it is good, some say it is bad, some say there is no benefit but it is not bad. Let's not even start about when to stop breast feeding, no one knows for sure. Some say 6 months, some say longer, some say less. Ultimately a lot has to do with the person and everyone is different. Ultimately, breast milk has proteins and antibodies that the mother will pass on to her child for protection. This can also mean that they may develop allergies similar to the mother or even others. This also means that drinking breastmilk from someone in California, when you are in NY, may not have the same effect as they are used to their environment (and yes there is a business like this that sells breastmilk). Ultimately there are more benefits to breast milk, aside from the nutrition it offers. My sister chose not to breasfeed, but she is somewhat incapable of understanding that it is not about her, but her child. I understand stopping once they start teething, but to not breast feed, or even pump, because it is uncomfortable, seems selfish to me and may hinder your child's development, physical, social and cognitive. Why take the risk?
Kudos to you for sticking to what you are doing despite not receiving support from others. Also do not forget that despite providing health services, hospitals are businesses and in the same way that you doctor may prescribe you a medication that they have contracts to sell their meds, hospitals do the same with formula manufacturers.
For more info on this, if you are interested, look up the movie, The Business of Being Born. They also have a website.
Do your parents not know that breast feeding is really the best way for a baby to get all the nutrients that it needs. I mean unless you're not producing enough milk it's the best choice all around.
I breastfed both my daughters (who are now in their 20's) for about a year each. My own mother used a bottle with me so I understand where the older generation is coming from, but I am so glad now that I breastfed. My children both did really well with it, and by the way, really well in school later. They say higher IQ is one of the benefits of breastfeeding. Mine girls did not sleep through the night until they were about 7 months old. Up until that time they woke up for one feeding. I finally "broke" them of the habit by offering a bottle of cold water at the middle-of-the-night feeding, and soon sleeping through the night was a luxury. It's worth it to get up for your kids health even if they do take a little longer to sleep through the night. Oh and by the way, my kids were both born small, I have heard of other breast fed babies sleeping through the night sooner than that. Good for you for continuing to stick to what you believe in - supplements are not necessary!
Uhm... I don't know how much your mom and MIL fed their children but sleeping at one month? I don't think so... I formula fed my first daughter and she didn't sleep through the night till 3 months. Then there's my cousin who was also formula fed as a baby and he didn't sleep through the night till 2 years! I don't think it really matters. Sometimes they just wake up because they want some comfort. Just don't let your mom and MIL get you down. I'm breastfeeding my second daughter who is 6 months now and I really want to breastfeed for a long time, at least a year. My MIL has been telling me I need to feed her formula. Personally, I am scared of formula because of all the recalls, plus my first daughter had a bad time with formula. Her butt was bleeding because her poops were so hard and that was ONLY formula. No rice cereal or baby food or anything but formula. And I mixed it right too. I think it's a personal choice for everyone. Just tell them that it's your baby and they have no right to tell you what to do with your baby, including giving unwanted and unneeded "advice." My own MIL does that to me but I do not want my daughter ending up like her daddy when it comes to eating. He eats too many sweets and she's trying to make my daughter like that! Always trying to feed her fruits... yes, fruits are good, but she also needs veggies and meats and whatever. Hope things work out for you.
I can tell you that the sleeping bit doesn't kick in for another couple of months. But every child is different.
As far as breastfeeding goes:: A breastfed baby WILL poop more AND feed more often versus their formula fed children. I've worked with a couple of families whose babies couldn't do breastfeeding for whatever reason and they switched over. I've heard of some families doing it for only six months, others a year. I've also heard the support of doing it for at least six months to get whatever good there is behind breastfeeding. (I'm not a doctor and I don't have enough information for breastfeeding.)
I'd say as long as you talk to your doctor about it and your child is doing fine with it (as well as hitting all of the developmental requirements), it's a 100% choice that falls on you. Don't let anyone else say otherwise. This choice is up to you and your hubby.
My family has been pretty unsupportive of everything I've ever done. Sounds like they need to be told that their "help" isn't really help. If you need help from them, you'll be sure to ask for it, but until then, to please keep their opinions and their coupons to themselves.